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Brits

Ozzy Osbourne Wins Cash For Not Falling Over At The Brits

by Stuart Heritage

We’d always figured that Ozzy Osbourne was pretty libel-proof, because whatever you accuse him of, chances are he’s already done it.

Snorting a line of ants? Check. Chewing the heads off animals? Check. Urinating on the Alamo? Check. Getting hammered and trying to murder his wife? Check. Falling over a couple of times before the Brit Awards earlier this year? No way! Ugh! You sick bastard! Suggest that and Ozzy Osbourne will sue your tits off.

And win, too – Ozzy Osbourne has won undisclosed damages from the Daily Star after it claimed that Ozzy had a health scare right before the Brit Awards that almost saw him get withdrawn from the show. Turns out, though, that he was such a shaky andincoherent mess during the Brit Awards because he’s Ozzy Osbourne. Sheesh.

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Leona Lewis Wins Just About Zero Brit Awards

by Stuart Heritage

The Osbournes hosted the Brit awards last night, so the show promised to be jam-packed with enough controversy to turn your granny blue.

Is that what happened, though? No – thanks to the Brits’ stringent ‘don’t let Ozzy Osbourne say more than three words in a row’ policy, the only vaguely controversial thing the Osbournes brought to the Brit awards was the way that Sharon Osbourne’s face looked as if it had been attacked by jellyfish in her sleep.

Oh, and Leona Lewis didn’t win any of the four Brit awards she was nominated for. That’s sort of controversial, isn’t it? Anyone?

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The Osbournes Want to Beat Up Heather Mills, Or Something

by Stuart Heritage

The Brits are tomorrow, and only one thing can save us from the slow carbon monoxide poisoning of Mika, Kaiser Chiefs and Leona Lewis performances.

And that’s Ozzy Osbourne violently attacking Heather Mills.

It’ll happen, too, if Heather Mills decides to show her face at the Brits. Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne have said so themselves. And forget watching Take That mumbling a gracious acceptance speech – who wouldn’t want to see a confused, shaking old drug addict having a punch-up with a terrified amputee? Nobody, that’s who.

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Take That Get A Bewildering Amount Of Brits Noms

by Stuart Heritage

Take That, the group of four 50-year-old men who get paid to sing the soundtrack to TV ads for low-rent supermarkets – have got a lot of Brit Award nominations.

In fact, all the acts that scooped the most Brit Award nominations are just sugar-free versions of older performers. The three biggest Brit nod-getters were Mika (Freddie Mercury lite), Leona Lewis (Whitney Houston lite) and Take That (Take That lite).

But don’t worry – the Brits also had something for you indie kids too. The Eagles are up for Best International Album. That’s The Eagles.

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