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Britney Spears

Britney Spears Wants To Go Plastic

by Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears is no spring chicken any more, but she is loaded – and that’s why she wants to spend $81,000 on cosmetic surgery.

According to OK! magazine, Britney Spears seems to think that the easiest way to solve all her problems is to spend $18,000 on getting her gut, hips and thighs liposuctioned, $25,000 to slam a less haggard pair of fake boobies inside her, $18,000 on a tummy-tuck and $20,000 on a brand-new schnoz. But why stop there? After all, if Britney Spears really wants all her troubles to go away she should also think about getting her hair Teflon-coated so she can’t start indiscriminately shaving it off in a rage; also, surely the technology exists to replace Britney’s tumpsy with something nicer to look at next time she goes out without any knickers, like a picture of a monkey or an LED news ticker.

Britney Spears is no spring chicken any more, but she is loaded - and that's why she wants to spend $81,000 on cosmetic surgery. According to OK! magazine, Britney Spears seems to think that the easiest way to solve all her problems is to spend $18,000 on getting her gut, hips and thighs liposuctioned, $25,000 to slam a less haggard pair of fake boobies inside her, $18,000 on a tummy-tuck and $20,000 on a brand-new schnoz. But why stop there? After all, if Britney Spears really wants all her troubles to go away she should also think about getting her hair Teflon-coated so she can't start indiscriminately shaving it off in a rage; also, surely the technology exists to replace Britney's tumpsy with something nicer to look at next time she goes out without any knickers, like a picture of a monkey or an LED news ticker.
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The Internet Still Loves Britney Spears

by Stuart Heritage

Literally every single aspect of Britney Spears’ 2007 has ended up as a painfully embarrassing disaster, but it’s not all bad – at least an army of friendless geeks still love her.

Yahoo has just published its top 10 internet searches of 2007, and Britney Spears has come out on top yet again, making her officially bigger than professional wrestling, Saddam Hussein and Fergie out of the Black Eyed Peas. She may be in the middle of her own private hell, but at least by being searched for on Yahoo more than anything else this year, Britney Spears can still take comfort from the fact that she’s still popular.

We just wish we had the heart to tell her that most of the searches in full were either for ‘Britney Spears’ horrible minge,’ ‘Britney Spears looking like a dick at the MTV awards’, ‘Britney Spears is a terrible mother’ or ‘Britney Spears: why?’

Literally every single aspect of Britney Spears' 2007 has ended up as a painfully embarrassing disaster, but it's not all bad - at least an army of friendless geeks still love her. Yahoo has just published its top 10 internet searches of 2007, and Britney Spears has come out on top yet again, making her officially bigger than professional wrestling, Saddam Hussein and Fergie out of the Black Eyed Peas. She may be in the middle of her own private hell, but at least by being searched for on Yahoo more than anything else this year, Britney Spears can still take comfort from the fact that she's still popular. We just wish we had the heart to tell her that most of the searches in full were either for 'Britney Spears' horrible minge,' 'Britney Spears looking like a dick at the MTV awards', 'Britney Spears is a terrible mother' or 'Britney Spears: why?'
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‘Britney Spears 100% Not Pregnant’: Man Who Said She Was

by Stuart Heritage

The world may not care that much about Britney Spears as a singer any more, but so long as she’s got ovaries constantly on the brink of inflating up another redneck infant and expelling it from her body, she’ll never be without attention.

For example, the entire planet is currently frothing around like billyo over speculation that Britney Spears is pregnant with yet another child. But, as we all know, Britney Spears has emphatically refuted these claims as “B.S.” So now the magazine that broke the Pregnant Britney Spears story in the first place has gone public with the text messages it claims are from the alleged father, admitting that the pregnancy is real. So what’s the truth? Either Britney Spears is pregnant, Britney Spears isn’t pregnant or there’s a murky, alley-dwelling unlicensed abortionist knocking around somewhere who’s sitting on an effing goldmine.

The world may not care that much about Britney Spears as a singer any more, but so long as she's got ovaries constantly on the brink of inflating up another redneck infant and expelling it from her body, she'll never be without attention. For example, the entire planet is currently frothing around like billyo over speculation that Britney Spears is pregnant with yet another child. But, as we all know, Britney Spears has emphatically refuted these claims as "B.S." So now the magazine that broke the Pregnant Britney Spears story in the first place has gone public with the text messages it claims are from the alleged father, admitting that the pregnancy is real. So what's the truth? Either Britney Spears is pregnant, Britney Spears isn't pregnant or there's a murky, alley-dwelling unlicensed abortionist knocking around somewhere who's sitting on an effing goldmine.
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Britney Spears Isn’t Pregnant For Once In Her Life

by Stuart Heritage

Rumours are great, whether they’re false – like the one blowing around yesterday about Britney Spears being pregnant; or true – like the one about all hecklerspray writers being so talented and good looking that it makes all the girls cry.

But anyway, back to the false rumours. Yesterday everyone suddenly got very excited over claims made by a raft of American tabloid magazines that Britney Spears was four weeks pregnant and it was true and she’d emailed ultrasound scans to everyone and some bloke nobody’s ever heard of was the father. However, even though it’s an unmitigated fact that having yet another screaming redneck child would single-handedly solve all of her current problems, Britney Spears has blasted the reports as “B.S”. And, as we all know, “B.S” either stands for “Bloody Sertain” or “Baby! Shaboom!” so it’s definitely a fact that Britney Spears is definitely 100% pregnant. Congratulations, Britney!

Rumours are great, whether they're false - like the one blowing around yesterday about Britney Spears being pregnant; or true - like the one about all hecklerspray writers being so talented and good looking that it makes all the girls cry. But anyway, back to the false rumours. Yesterday everyone suddenly got very excited over claims made by a raft of American tabloid magazines that Britney Spears was four weeks pregnant and it was true and she'd emailed ultrasound scans to everyone and some bloke nobody's ever heard of was the father. However, even though it's an unmitigated fact that having yet another screaming redneck child would single-handedly solve all of her current problems, Britney Spears has blasted the reports as "B.S". And, as we all know, "B.S" either stands for "Bloody Sertain" or "Baby! Shaboom!" so it's definitely a fact that Britney Spears is definitely 100% pregnant. Congratulations, Britney!
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Britney Spears Gets To Spook Out Her Kids For Christmas

by Stuart Heritage

As Christmas is the time of goodwill to all men, it’s only right that Kevin Federline and Britney Spears should put their custody differences behind them and choose to equally split the amount of time they neglect their kids on Christmas day.

In a rare gesture of kindness to his long-suffering ex-wife, Kevin Federline has allowed Britney Spears to spend Christmas morning with her two young children Sean Preston and Jayden James. This news will be a real shot in the arm for Britney Spears’ morale, because now she gets to continue some of the festive traditions that the kids have already got used to – like the one where Santa comes down the chimney with his vagina hanging out, barfs up in the kitchen, shoves a handful of Cheetos into his face, absent-mindedly stubs out a cigarette on some tinsel and saunters off without leaving any presents.

Plus it means that the court-appointed custody monitor gets to see Britney Spears on Christmas day instead of her own family. Yay!

As Christmas is the time of goodwill to all men, it's only right that Kevin Federline and Britney Spears should put their custody differences behind them and choose to equally split the amount of time they neglect their kids on Christmas day. In a rare gesture of kindness to his long-suffering ex-wife, Kevin Federline has allowed Britney Spears to spend Christmas morning with her two young children Sean Preston and Jayden James. This news will be a real shot in the arm for Britney Spears' morale, because now she gets to continue some of the festive traditions that the kids have already got used to - like the one where Santa comes down the chimney with his vagina hanging out, barfs up in the kitchen, shoves a handful of Cheetos into his face, absent-mindedly stubs out a cigarette on some tinsel and saunters off without leaving any presents. Plus it means that the court-appointed custody monitor gets to see Britney Spears on Christmas day instead of her own family. Yay!
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George Clooney Defends Britney’s Right To Drive Like A Twerp

by Stuart Heritage

George Clooney is one of the most socially-conscious actors around today – something we know because he made a film that was vaguely about oil or something once – and there isn’t a good cause that he won’t stand directly behind.

But sometimes we get the feeling that George Clooney bites off a little more than he can chew. Speaking out about the Darfur crisis? Fine. Trying to stop mass atrocities? Easy. AIDS? Poverty? Piece of cake. But now George Clooney has decided to do the impossible and try and tackle the biggest humanitarian crisis of our times – the Britney Spears custody case. Britney Spears getting banned from driving her children after she was caught running a red light has angered George Clooney so much that he’s launched into an impassioned defence of her treatment at the hands of the paparazzi, something that he plans to follow-up next week with a incisive commentary on the current state of J-Lo’s baby-bump.

George Clooney is one of the most socially-conscious actors around today - something we know because he made a film that was vaguely about oil or something once - and there isn't a good cause that he won't stand directly behind. But sometimes we get the feeling that George Clooney bites off a little more than he can chew. Speaking out about the Darfur crisis? Fine. Trying to stop mass atrocities? Easy. AIDS? Poverty? Piece of cake. But now George Clooney has decided to do the impossible and try and tackle the biggest humanitarian crisis of our times - the Britney Spears custody case. Britney Spears getting banned from driving her children after she was caught running a red light has angered George Clooney so much that he's launched into an impassioned defence of her treatment at the hands of the paparazzi, something that he plans to follow-up next week with a incisive commentary on the current state of J-Lo's baby-bump.
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Britney Spears To Cyrus Home For Thanksgiving. May Bring Delicous Yams.

by Shawn Lindseth

Hecklerspray is so poor it can't even afford paper plates. That's why this week, in its New York, Los Angeles and Rigby, Idaho offices, everyone's gonna try to somehow wrap their keyboards with enough paper towels and Saran Wrap to be able to use them as food platters. Believe it or not this works pretty [...]

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No More Kiddie-Driving For Britney Spears

by Stuart Heritage

Cars are dangerous things as far as Britney Spears is concerned – if she’s not getting out of them vagina-first in front of every single camera on earth, then she’s driving around erratically in them with her kids inside.

And while the former goes woefully unpunished, the latter at least has seen Britney Spears get banned from driving a car while her children are onboard. A judge hit Britney Spears with the ban on Friday after video emerged of her running a red light on a busy Los Angeles interchange, but Britney is damned if she’s going to take this news sitting down – we’ve heard that she’s ready to exploit the wide open ‘car-only’ loophole in the ban by transporting her two sons around town in a succession of tanks, saddled grizzly bears, fireballs and robot pterodactyls made from shards of broken syringe-glass from now on.

Cars are dangerous things as far as Britney Spears is concerned - if she's not getting out of them vagina-first in front of every single camera on earth, then she's driving around erratically in them with her kids inside. And while the former goes woefully unpunished, the latter at least has seen Britney Spears get banned from driving a car while her children are onboard. A judge hit Britney Spears with the ban on Friday after video emerged of her running a red light on a busy Los Angeles interchange, but Britney is damned if she's going to take this news sitting down - we've heard that she's ready to exploit the wide open 'car-only' loophole in the ban by transporting her two sons around town in a succession of tanks, saddled grizzly bears, fireballs and robot pterodactyls made from shards of broken syringe-glass from now on.
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Britney Spears Still A Pretty Terrible Driver

by Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears might make you want to kill yourself every time she opens her mouth to sing, but at least she’s not directly endangering anyone’s life – not like when she gets behind the wheel of a car.

Although it’s becoming increasingly clear that Britney Spears is even worse at driving than she is at remembering where her knicker drawer is, the poor girl doesn’t seem to be learning at all. That much is clear from the video footage that’s been released of Britney Spears running a red light in her car in Los Angeles. With her children as passengers. And her mobile phone about an inch away from her face. And a bunch of panicking paparazzi screaming “Red light! Red light!” at her. And now that Kevin Federline has got wind of this video, it means that there’s going to be yet another Britney Spears court hearing set for the middle of the week. Fun.

Britney Spears might make you want to kill yourself every time she opens her mouth to sing, but at least she's not directly endangering anyone's life - not like when she gets behind the wheel of a car. Although it's becoming increasingly clear that Britney Spears is even worse at driving than she is at remembering where her knicker drawer is, the poor girl doesn't seem to be learning at all. That much is clear from the video footage that's been released of Britney Spears running a red light in her car in Los Angeles. With her children as passengers. And her mobile phone about an inch away from her face. And a bunch of panicking paparazzi screaming "Red light! Red light!" at her. And now that Kevin Federline has got wind of this video, it means that there's going to be yet another Britney Spears court hearing set for the middle of the week. Fun.
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Britney Spears Violates Drug Tests Because ‘She’s A Pop Star’

by Stuart Heritage

Being a pop star means you get all the perks known to man; you get to travel the world, have millions of fans lust after your every move – plus you don’t really have to bother with court-appointed drug tests at any given time.

Britney Spears is learning that last one only too well. Yesterday Kevin Federline hauled Britney Spears back into court for what must now be the billionth time, all because Britney has apparently missed over half of the twice-weekly drug tests that she’s been ordered to take as part of her ongoing custody battle. But of course Britney Spears missed the drug tests, her lawyers have argued, because Britney Spears is a pop star, and pop stars don’t have the same phone number for very long plus they have to sleep in late all the time. That’s pop star law, and if Britney Spears doesn’t do that then she’ll be sacked as a pop star, and faced with unemployment she’ll go mad and shave her head and… oh.

Being a pop star means you get all the perks known to man; you get to travel the world, have millions of fans lust after your every move - plus you don't really have to bother with court-appointed drug tests at any given time. Britney Spears is learning that last one only too well. Yesterday Kevin Federline hauled Britney Spears back into court for what must now be the billionth time, all because Britney has apparently missed over half of the twice-weekly drug tests that she's been ordered to take as part of her ongoing custody battle. But of course Britney Spears missed the drug tests, her lawyers have argued, because Britney Spears is a pop star, and pop stars don't have the same phone number for very long plus they have to sleep in late all the time. That's pop star law, and if Britney Spears doesn't do that then she'll be sacked as a pop star, and faced with unemployment she'll go mad and shave her head and... oh.
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