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Britney Spears

Britney Spears Does That ‘Not Showing Up’ Thing Again

by Stuart Heritage

Hello, and welcome to the billionth edition of Britney Spears Does A Lot Of Dumb Shit That Couldn’t Possibly Make A Jot Sense To Anyone, Not Even An Idiot Or A Child.

Today: Britney Spears goes to court to get her kids back but forgets to actually go all the way into the courtroom. Again.

Honestly, this stuff better be entertaining for Britney Spears, because it’s starting to drain our will to live.

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Britney Spears Back With That Chap She Just Dumped

by Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears will soon undergo a court-enforced psychiatric test – officially it’s to do with her kids, but we have a feeling it’s because Britney’s back with Adnan Ghalib again.

You know, Adnan Ghalib – the photographer who Britney Spears dumped a couple of days ago. The one who Britney Spears apparently took a restraining order out on. The one who tried to sell naked photos of Britney Spears to a newspaper. The one who just did a tell-all interview on TV about his time with Britney.

So, yes, Adnan Ghalib is back with Britney Spears. But at least he’s finally got round to splitting up with his wife this time.

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Holy Poo! Britney Spears Actually Shows Up For Something!

by Stuart Heritage

Getting Britney Spears to take a court-enforced custody deposition lately has been a bit like trying to fit a big monkey up a flea’s bumhole.

Time after time after time Britney Spears has missed her deposition appointment, or just turned up for a couple of minutes at a time, but yesterday Britney finally showed up at the offices of Kevin Federline’s lawyer and spent two hours answering questions about her mostly confusing lifestyle.

Isn’t it great when ‘Britney Spears does something she’s supposed to’ becomes earth-shaking news?

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Britney Spears Splits Up With That Paparazzi Bloke

by Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears has broken up with her British paparazzo boyfriend Adnan Ghalib, possibly because she’s just worked out that he’s a paparazzo.

According to reports, Britney Spears split up with Adnan Ghalib after angrily accusing him of only being with her to boost his career. Ludicrous, we know – we all knew about Adnan Ghalib for months before this Britney Spears malarkey because, um, no wait, sorry, we were thinking of Abu Ghraib. Crossed wires. Sorry.

Anyway, let’s feel sorry for Britney Spears – we really thought that this time she’d found everlasting love with that creepy guy who makes his living by stalking Britney Spears with a camera.

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Brace Yourselves, Britney Spears Might Be Pregnant Again

by Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears may look and act as mad as a big donkey, but don’t ever doubt her resourcefulness.

It’s only been a few days since Britney Spears’ disturbing meltdown saw her lose all visitation rights to her children for a month, but already Britney Spears has decided that if she can’t see her kids she’ll just grow another one inside her.

That’s right – Britney Spears might be pregnant again. Be afraid.

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Britney Spears Sort Of Goes To Court, Loses Kids Anyway

by Stuart Heritage

So Britney Spears heeded the warning to go to court for her custody hearing yesterday – she just didn’t heed the part about actually going into the courtroom itself.

After being strongly advised that the only way she wouldn’t lose her kids was to attend yesterday’s custody hearing, it’s been reported that Britney Spears turned up to court four hours late, circled the building a few times and went home, rubberstamping the loss of her children for the next month in the process.

But never mind Britney Spears – where does her semi-appearance leave our ‘arse out’ promise from yesterday? One cheek? Do you get one cheek? We’re so confused.

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Britney Spears Needs To Go To Court Today… Or Else

by Stuart Heritage

Regaining custody is fourth on Britney Spears’ agenda right now, after finding her marbles, tightening her screws and trying to keep out of the booby hatch.

However, if Britney Spears is serious about clawing at least some semblance of custody back after her recent episode, she should probably listen to the advice telling her to show up to a court hearing today. Britney Spears has been warned that this could be her last chance at gaining visitation rights.

However, Britney Spears is so unlikely to show her face in court today that we’ll get our arses out on the internet if she does.*

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Bald Britney Spears Sex Tape May Cruelly Exist

by Stuart Heritage

The release of a Britney Spears sex tape is probably the last thing the girl needs in her current faintly distressing circumstance.

And not just her either – most right-minded people have already seen so much of Britney over the past few months that they’d probably prefer to catch herpes off a slutty monkey than even begin to accept that a Britney Spears sex tape exists.

But tough titties, because a Britney Spears sex tape apparently does exist, and it’s a bald-headed one, too. Kiss your libido goodbye, folks.

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Britney Spears’ Family Narked Off With Dr Phil

by Stuart Heritage

Dr Phil never says so on his show, but the best way to solve a problem is to sweep it under the carpet and pretend it never existed.

Everyone knows that – it’s the reason why all the hecklerspray staff are such well-rounded, perfectly normal individuals. It’s also the reason why the family of Britney Spears have all got the hump with Dr Phil for speaking out publicly about Britney’s recent psychological snafu. Dr Phil, they say, have broken the Spears’ circle of trust.

And circles of trust are a lot like hymens – once broken they can only be repaired by complicated, expensive and largely unnecessary surgical procedures. We think.

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Naked Britney Spears Pictures Not Especially Naked

by Stuart Heritage

Rumour has it that some naked Britney Spears pictures taken by her paparazzo boyfriend have been sold to an Australian magazine.

Well, OK, they’re not strictly naked Britney Spears pictures, because Britney’s wearing a T-shirt. But it’s a wet T-shirt. Well, it’s soggy. Slightly damp. OK, so an Australian magazine has basically just bought some pictures of Britney Spears in a slightly damp T-shirt. Happy now?

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