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Britney Spears

Britney Spears’ Dad To Sack Everyone, Twice

by Stuart Heritage

Now that he’s got the keys to the Britney Spears treasure chest, Jamie Spears can do whatever the hell he likes.

And, now he’s also been granted the power to hire and fire as he pleases, it looks like Britney’s business manager Howard Grossman is going to be the first neck on the chopping block.

We’re not sure what Jamie Spears’ other plans for Britney Spears are yet, but we’ve heard rumours that he’ll soon be taking her place as a recording artist soon, too. In fact, an album of bubblegum pop entitled Hit Me One More Time (No Really, I Know I’m A Middle-Aged Man Dressed A Schoolgirl And I Know That Must Freak You Out, But What Say You Hit Me Anyway) is purportedly being mixed as we speak.

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Kevin Federline Puts Reality Show On Hold, Humanity To Rejoice

by hecklerspray staff

So, we’re thinking we may have reached a point where we’re desensitised to the antics of crazy Britney Spears. In fact, we’re downright bored.

But you know who has been a shining beacon of stability throughout all of this? Britney’s ex-husband Kevin Federline, that’s who. In fact, he’s been so committed to parenting that he’s apparently postponed the reality show he was maybe going to do about his life as a single dad. We didn’t know he was planning a reality show to begin with, because we can’t afford to buy another TV after we put a fist through the last one when Britney and Kevin: Chaotic premiered.

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Britney Spears Released From Hospital, Hilarity Ensues

by Stuart Heritage

Ah, no, wait – that headline should have read ‘Britney Spears Released From Hospital, Despairing Scenes And A Sense That Nobody’s Learnt Anything Ensues’. Our bad, sorry.

Anyway, by now you’ve probably guessed that Britney Spears has been given an early release from her padded room in the psychiatric hospital where she was being held. And you probably also guessed that, now she’s been medically classified as Gravely Disabled, the paparazzi and press would back off and let her recover out of basic human decency.

And you’re right – Britney Spears’ release was only followed by 20 car-swarming paparazzi, two news helicopters and everyone watching the live feed of Britney leaving the hospital and driving through Los Angeles on TV at home. Which is sort of backing off a bit, right? No? Fair enough.

Ah, no, wait - that headline should have read 'Britney Spears Released From Hospital, Despairing Scenes And A Sense That Nobody's Learnt Anything Ensues'. Our bad, sorry. Anyway, by now you've probably guessed that Britney Spears has been given an early release from her padded room in the psychiatric hospital where she was being held. And you probably also guessed that, now she's been medically classified as Gravely Disabled, the paparazzi and press would back off and let her recover out of basic human decency. And you're right - Britney Spears' release was only followed by 20 car-swarming paparazzi, two news helicopters and everyone watching the live feed of Britney leaving the hospital and driving through Los Angeles on TV at home. Which is sort of backing off a bit, right? No? Fair enough.
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Sam Lutfi ‘Mashed Drugs Into Britney Spears’ Food’

by Stuart Heritage

So Britney Spears is locked away in a psychiatric hospital and Britney’s Dad is officially her conservator – that’s everything all cleaned up, right?

Oh goodness, no. Haven’t you people learnt that this Britney Spears malarkey is going to go on forever yet? Forever. Mark these words.

Anyway, the new piece of Britney Spears nonsense is that Britney’s mother Lynne Spears claims that Britney’s manager Sam Lutfi used to grind up drugs and mash them into Britney Spears’ food. Plus he hid her dog once, the big bloody bastard.

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Britney Spears’ Dad Keeps The Keys To All Her Stuff

by Stuart Heritage

We know. You thought that all this kerfuffle about Britney Spears would die down now that has to spend the next fortnight locked up in a psychiatric hospital.

Chance’d be a fine thing. No, instead focus has shifted away from Britney Spears’ well-being to all of Britney Spears’ stuff. Yesterday in court effectively saw a fight between Britney and her Dad about whether or not he should be her conservator while she’s banged up in the nuthouse. Turns out he can.

So now Jamie Spears is in charge of Britney’s estate and finances, plus he’ll also be legally obliged to shave his hair off, drink 20 Red Bulls a day and have his vagina on full display whenever he gets out of a car. Hey, we don’t make the rules.

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Britney Spears To Spend 14 Days In Padded Room

by Stuart Heritage

Five years ago, the thought of Britney Spears getting tied to a bed with leather straps would cause widespread teenage drooling.

Not so much now, though, because if Britney Spears is going to be tied to a bed with leather straps, it’s because Britney’s bipolar disorder has got so out of hand that she’s a danger to herself and others.

It’s been confirmed that Britney Spears will spend the next two weeks in her padded room at the UCLA Medical Centre. And as well as the leather restraints, there’s also a chance that Britney Spears could be force-fed medication if she’s not cooperative. It’s just like One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, only a version that everyone got sick of about two minutes in after seeing Jack Nicholson get out of a car with no knickers on for the tenth time.

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Britney Spears Now Gravely Disabled

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been a day and a half since Britney Spears was taken to UCLA hospital and kept on psychiatric hold, but have things improved for Britney since then?

Not really. It’s been reported that medics at the hospital have classified Britney Spears as ‘GD’ – or Gravely Disabled, which allows them to keep Britney against her will.

Seeing Britney Spears described as Gravely Disabled by expert professionals might look incredibly shocking, but don’t worry – Gravely Disabled is actually two or three notches up from Wanting To Marry Kevin Federline, so at least we can presume that Britney Spears is on the up and up.

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Britney Spears Being Sectioned

by Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears has just been sectioned after apparently trying to kill herself.

In scenes eerily reminiscent of the last time she was carted off to hospital after a meltdown, ambulances, helicopters and police cars all recently descended onto the home of Britney Spears to keep her detained in hospital for at least 72 hours.

Even for Britney Spears, these last few days have been incredibly dramatic, with her manager Sam Lutfi’s claims that Britney is mentally ill apparently sparking off a public roadside nervous breakdown that led to ugly squabbles between Britney Spears, her family, her manager and her boyfriend Adnan Ghalib.

According to reports, Britney Spears has been taken to UCLA Medical Centre where she’ll be observed for 72 hours, with the stay extended for up to two weeks should she refuse to take her medication. The sectioning comes amid reports that Britney Spears hasn’t slept since Saturday. Although rumours are circulating about an alleged suicide attempt, nothing has been made official yet.

More on this one as we get it.

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Britney Went Willingly – TMZ

Britney Spears has just been sectioned after apparently trying to kill herself. In scenes eerily reminiscent of the last time she was carted off to hospital after a meltdown, ambulances, helicopters and police cars all recently descended onto the home of Britney Spears to keep her detained in hospital for at least 72 hours. Even for Britney Spears, these last few days have been incredibly dramatic, with her manager Sam Lutfi's claims that Britney is mentally ill apparently sparking off a public roadside nervous breakdown that led to ugly squabbles between Britney Spears, her family, her manager and her boyfriend Adnan Ghalib. According to reports, Britney Spears has been taken to UCLA Medical Centre where she'll be observed for 72 hours, with the stay extended for up to two weeks should she refuse to take her medication. The sectioning comes amid reports that Britney Spears hasn't slept since Saturday. Although rumours are circulating about an alleged suicide attempt, nothing has been made official yet. More on this one as we get it. Read more: Britney Went Willingly - TMZ
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Britney Spears’ Manager Might Have History Of Weirdness

by Stuart Heritage

As if you needed reminding, Britney Spears had a full-on kerb-sitting dog-clutching sobbing meltdown on Monday night after a fight with her manager SamLutfi.

Nothing particularly unusual about that – Britney Spears seems to be contractually obliged to have a weird public meltdown every couple of weeks these days – but is SamLutfi really the steady hand that he’s claimed to be?

Apparently not – it turns out that Sam Lutfi might be a weirdo with a bunch of restraining orders against him and a history of urging people to kill themselves. Which is, you know, inevitable.

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Britney Spears: Actually Mental

by Stuart Heritage

This might come as a shock to some of you, so prepare yourselves – Britney Spears is mentally unwell.

And that might not be new – we guessed that the moment Britney shacked up with Kevin Federline – but Britney Spears’ manager Sam Lufti has apparently told Barbara Walters that Britney suffers from “mental issues” that she’s seeking treatment for.

That’s great news – once Britney Spears recovers from this period of illness and starts behaving normally again, it means we can dedicate ourselves solely to stories about Amy Winehouse. Woo hoo!

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