The phrase ‘Britney’s back’ terrifies us – usually because it’s followed by ‘Britney’s bald head’ and ‘Britney’s clodge’.
But this time Britney really is back. Yesterday, Britney Spears kicked off her 32-date comeback tour – almost certainly the most exhausting thing she’s done recently, excluding any activities involving umbrellas, cars or uncontrollable roadside weeping.
And guess what? Britney Spears’ first concert was a success. We know this because the people who consider themselves rabid enough Britney Spears fans to justify spending hundreds of dollars to watch a past-her-prime singer jiggle around in a number of impractical and ill-fitting costumes said it was.
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Tomorrow Britney Spears sets off on her first tour since she went bananas and waved her ladyparts around.
But there’s just one problem. And that’s that, in these times of economic uncertainty, not too many people want to spend hundreds of dollars to sit in a giant room watching a mentally-uncertain pinprick listlessly screech her way through I’m Not A Girl Not Yet A Woman while dressed as a pikey on a hen night.
That’s exactly why people aren’t coming to our one-man show Hecklerspray Wishes It Had Ovaries, and it’s also why Britney Spears isn’t selling many concert tickets.
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The most important thing to Britney Spears is her kids. Well, her kids and her vagina. And wheat-based snacks.
But mainly her kids. And that’s why Britney Spears is making sure that her kids go on tour with her next month. According to reports, Britney Spears threatened to quit the tour unless her children accompanied her, because she loves them. At least that’s the story.
At least this way Britney Spears can demand three packets of nappies and a bucket of mushed-up food on her tour rider each night and everyone will think it’s for the kids. Sneaky, Britney. Sneaky.
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The phrase ‘Britney’s back’ terrifies us – usually because it’s followed by ‘Britney’s bald head’ and ‘Britney’s clodge’.
