Those eyes, that belly, the ridiculous desire to become a rapper – let’s face it, Kevin Federline is a catch.

Oh wait, no, that was a typo. We actually meant to say that you’d probably catch a number of highly contagious diseases from Kevin Federline if you stood face to face with him. Yes, that’s much better. Sorry for the confusion.

But, hey, just because we think that Kevin Federline is a bit of a sleazy reality-divorced greaseball, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t someone out there for him. And that someone might just be Britney Spears. Again. Terrifying, isn’t it?

We don’t say this lightly – in fact we don’t know why we’re saying it at all – but has anyone else, you know, missed Kevin Federline a bit? Because we think we sort of have.

We know, we know, it completely defies logic. But we do. Since Britney Spears divorced Kevin Federline all those years ago, there hasn’t been anyone so determined to emotionally manipulate a loved one into letting them piggyback around on their fame in order to pursue a genuinely disastrous rap career. Well, there’s Spencer Pratt, we suppose, but our doctors inform us that we’re not allowed to think of him any more in case the nosebleeds return.

In that respect, Kevin Federline was a genius who wouldn’t stop until he’d written a movie about his own life and bribed people to buy his album with a pair of his own shoes. True, in every other respect he was a disgusting leech of a man who almost single-handedly turned Britney Spears’ life into the tragicomic clodge explosion that it is today, but in that respect he was a genius.

So no wonder Britney Spears wants Kevin Federline back.

No, you read that right. Britney Spears apparently wants Kevin Federline back. We’ll let OK! explain the rest, because frankly we’ve come over all dizzy:

“They have such a complicated history, but Britney has never stopped caring about him,” a Federline family member tells OK!. “Now that she has put most of her problems behind her and is making an impressive concert comeback, she’s feeling like she, Kevin and the boys could have a fresh start.”

Now bear with us – although a Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline reunion is just about the most repulsive thing our minds will let us imagine at the moment, it might have its plus sides. For example, Britney Spears needs the stability of her family around her at the moment and Kevin Federline has been falling back on his ‘one baby per year’ quota a little bit recently, so getting back with Britney Spears might be the only thing to stop his testicles reaching critical mass and exploding, covering everyone in a four-mile radius with his unejaculated semen in the process.

Is that really what you want? To be drenched in Kevin Federline’s jism? Is it? Of course not – that sort of thing is best left to the experts. That’s why he’s never needed Britney Spears more.

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