It’s okay everybody, you can relax, there’s no more need to worry, Kevin Federline is fine.
We know, you were scared that K-Fed might be taken from us too soon, but we’re pleased to announce that all is well with Britney’s Baby Daddy and he didn’t actually suffer a heart attack that none of us would have cared about.
Federline was hospitalised earlier this week after he collapsed whilst filming a weight loss show in Australia, he was quickly rushed to hospital along with the paramedics who had initially tried to lift him onto the stretcher.
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Hey! This story is so new that even Britney Spears doesn’t know about it and, crucially, it utterly regards to her possible happiness. Or indeed, the sobbing of a rejected beau. You don’t know what we’re talking about do you?
Sorry. We’re excited. Excited to utterly spoil a surprise.
See, tonight, Britney Spears’ boyfriend – Jason Trawick – will get down on one knee and propose to her. He wants to marry her. She might say no! We’ve no idea! He hasn’t asked her yet, but we’ve found out that he plans to and we’re shouting it from the rooftops to ensure that any romance or surprise is shat on.
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Don’t you just hate it when someone you love, admire and possibly think about in a dirty way when you have at least one free hand, turns out to be nothing more than a former all singing, all dancing, would happily punch repeatedly in the face, jumper wearing, Mickey Mouse Club super brat?
We’re talking about YOU Ryan ‘I’m now highly respected and will sleep with everyone’ Gosling.
Yes, self harmingly bland Justin Timberlake went on the Ellen Show and ruined any credibility that Ryan Gosling ever had by announcing that not only were they both made in the evil Disney factory but that they even shared a house together aged 11, making us wish we were dead.
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Right. RIGHT. So, the X Factor is still on.
Here are the opening titles. Here’s Dermot O Leary’s voice hurriedly aired in from Skype. It’s time to face the music. No, not time to face the music and dance. You are mistaken. Just time to face the music. Just maintain eye contact with the music until you start feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed and just want to go home.
Look, there’s an X Factor helicopter. Okay, so let’s talk about X Factor helicopters.
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Do you know who Jo Calderone is? No. Well it’s Lady Gaga in men’s underpants. Okay? And when GaGa dons some skiddy briefs, drops the ‘s’ from ‘she’, all kinds of mischief can be had, including trying to molest Britney Spears who still has the look of a mental ward about her.
Great scenes, especially given that Jo Calderone is an anagram of ‘Cajole Drone’ – the only sensible suggestion we’ve got for an analogy concerning this pair mating (or ‘Re: Jade Colon’).
Calderone presented Britney Spears with the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard award (no idea what that means) and tried to dry-hump the awardee on-stage before nipping off to the men’s toilets do urinate everywhere that isn’t the urinal itself. That’s impressive staying in character.
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Remember Britney Spears bending over whilst sporting nothing but a short nightie, showing her meat to a security guard? Remember? She also sent him naked pictures of herself? Honestly. A security guard who worked for her said it, so it must be true.
That’s because, as Kevin Costner showed us, security guards are just about the only people you can really trust on this awful planet.
Britney’s old guard is so trustworthy that he’s been telling us all about Dirty Spears. She’s a bad apple. She pestered him for sex when he was just trying to do an honest day’s work. And there she was, flashing her stinking undercarriage at him and reeking like an ashtray. You think we’re making this up? Read on for the undeniable proof.
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You may think of Britney Spears as some kind of pop-star who made a handful of decent records (backed by astonishing, saccharine dross), but really, she’s a wedding machine. She’s in danger of being remembered like Liz Taylor – Mad as a hatter and a loft filled with wedding dresses.
That’s right! Ol’ Britters is getting married again, meaning that she possibly doesn’t take the whole wedding vows thing seriously at all (which should be applauded really – what a stupid, stupid institution marriage is) or, she really can’t get enough of the marzipan in wedding cake (it just doesn’t taste right on its own, obviously).
So now we approach wedding number three (and of course, imminent divorce number three), we can coo about her plans and try and figure out who it is she’s actually going with at the moment because we don’t recall anyone being mentioned outside of lawsuits and sexual harassment cases.
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Anyone who saw Rihanna and Britney Spears’ performance of ‘S&M’ on the Billboard awards will surely agree that it was one of the most tedious examples of sexuality ever aired on television. Both singers vaguely gyrated in their bondage-lite gear while going through the motions.
It was roughly as sexy as a sock drawer. Sock fetishes need not apply to that analogy, although we do welcome readers to laugh at the world ‘anal’ in ‘analogy’ because we’re incredibly childish.
However, despite making millions limp, there’s a group of parents (aka ‘scumbags’) who are apoplectic with angry arousal at the whole thing. They’re furious that they should feel a twitch in their pants, despite not morally agreeing with what they saw on the stage.
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