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Britain’s Got Talent

Britain’s Got Talent Pt 1: Britain’s Got 4,000 Urban Dance Groups

by Paul Gibson

Britain’s Got Talent on Saturday began to tell us which 40 acts were to perform again for the public vote. And you’ll never guess which Oprah-loving, Obama-hating, probably metal bar-bending Sottish singer made it. Give yourself ten points and a furtive crotch massage if you guessed Susan Boyle, she of The Voice, The Modesty and [...]

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Britain’s Got Talent: Susan Boyle To Win?

by Stuart Heritage

And now, thanks to yet another woeful miscalculation, our look at Britain’s Got Talent draws to an end a week earlier than it should. Because of this, next week we’ll be looking at the contenders to be the next female host of This Morning, which is just wonderful. But anyway, you know the deal by [...]

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Britain’s Got Talent: But What About Jamie Pugh?

by Stuart Heritage

Britain’s Got Talent fans, you’ve come to the right place. Well, maybe not the right place. You’ve come to a place. Because all this week we’re running down the top five contestants who we think will win Britain’s Got Talent. Not literally running them down, you understand – as satisfying as that would be, it’d [...]

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Britain’s Got Talent: Can Shaheen Jafargholi Win?

by Stuart Heritage

Here we are, then – the midway point of our Britain’s Got Talent Week Of Obvious Space-Filler. By now, everyone has an idea about who’ll win Britain’s Got Talent – it’ll probably be a funny-looking pleb with a tragic history and a penchant for showtunes. And we say that with some amount of certainty, because [...]

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Britain’s Got Talent: Can Hollie Steel Win?

by Stuart Heritage

Here’s part two of our week-long Britain’s Got Talent excito-jam. Why only a week long? Because Britain’s Got Talent is rubbish. Duh.

For the newcomers, here’s what we’re up to – we’re taking stock of all the Britain’s Got Talent contestants so far, picking one each day who we think has a shot at winning. Please notice the difference between ‘has a shot at winning’ and ‘is good’. That’s a very important distinction to make, because deep down they’re all slightly woeful.

Today: the Britain’s Got Talent rundown for Hollie Steele…

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Britain’s Got Talent: Can Flawless Win?

by Stuart Heritage

So that’s the Eurovision Song Contest done, and Big Brother won’t be here to wreck our lives for a little bit longer. And that’s why, for one glorious week only, we’re going to be looking at the favourites to win Britain’s Got Talent. Why? Because Britain’s Got Talent is a joyous demonstration of the human [...]

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Susan Boyle On Oprah: Loving Her 13 Remaining Seconds Of Fame

by Stuart Heritage

This is the big time for Susan Boyle. She’s appeared on Oprah Winfrey. Do you know how famous this makes her?

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Susan Boyle Would Rather Do Oprah Than Obama

by Paul Gibson

We apologise to sensitive readers, who may have brought a little bit of acid up when reading that headline.

It’s true, though. It’s been revealed that the beefy Caledonian lady has turned down an invitation to attend a White House party thrown by the new President, while accepting an offer from Oprah Winfrey to appear on her show, alongside Simon Cowell. We’re guessing they’ll be discussing the merits of underwiring in bras, or something.

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What’s That? Britain’s Got Even More Mediocre Talent?

by Paul Gibson

Another week, another horse-frighteningly ugly contestant wows the Britain’s Got Talent judges.

We’ve had Shaheen Jafargholi (‘OMG, what a cutey!’) and Susan Boyle (‘WTF, that’s a woman? You sure it’s not Steve McFadden in a curly wig?’). Well, stand by for another four hour phonecall with your gran, because Britain’s Got Talent has unearthed a third inbred monster who can halfway hold a tune. And this time, the facial hair is deliberate. It’s another Welsh fella, which means the people of Swansea, Cardiff (and… er,Llarrghhllaachh?) will have to choose whether they love a man or a small boy.

We should rephrase that.

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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Thumbs up and down.

Folded:

* Body of Lies on DVD (unfairly panned during its theatrical run, this is an engrossing, if occasionally silly spy movie with a standout turn from Mark Strong)
* Dolce Gusto (if you like coffee you should have one of these already. Only sixty quid on Amazon)
* Buy up old Tin-Tin crap on eBay (because it’ll probably be worth a packet soon)
* Ladyhawke (the band, not the film. Definitely not the film)
* ‘Clunge’ (thank you Jay from The Inbetweeners)

Creased:

* Britain’s Got Talent (surely there must be one sane person left who doesn’t watch this tripe? Don’t give us that irony crap either, ‘cos rubbish is rubbish)
* Tassimo (£100 and loads of messing about)
* Pepsi Raw (‘Pepsi Rip-Off’ presumably never made it past the brainstorming stage)
* Charlie Brooker’s News Wipe (they’ve given him a bit too much leeway this time and he’s lost it)
* Compare the Meerkat (yet another example of advertisers trying to be all trendy and clever and instead having their clients come off like desperate buttcracks)

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