Britain's Got Talent - HecklerSpray

I Refuse To Make An ‘Eggs-Factor’ Pun About Simon Cowell

June 10th, 2013 By Rhiannon Davies

Between the groups of twerking primary school kids and glorified shadow puppeteers, the Britain’s Got Talent final was one giant snoozefest. Thank God somebody stepped in to break the monotony by chucking dairy products at Simon Cowell’s face.

An otherwise completely forgettable operatic duet by Richard and Adam – catchy name – was interrupted half way through by a girl running on stage armed with a box of eggs and the most menacing smile since Jack Nicholson discovered that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Nobody was hurt in the incident, with the possible exception of Simon’s security team who were no doubt taking an underwater tour of the Thames in their favourite concrete shoes by the end of the night.

Britain Gets Offended By Jennifer Lopez’s Gross Lady Parts

May 31st, 2013 By Rhiannon Davies

If her recent Britain’s Got Talent performance is anything to go by, someone needs to give Jennifer Lopez’s bikini waxer a pat on the back.

JLo took to the stage on Tuesday’s Britain’s Got Talent semi-final to perform her new single, Live It Up, ?and left several viewers clutching their pearls and calling for the smelling salts. Gyrating around like only a 43-year old woman clinging on to her career for dear life can, she gave the audience of the family-oriented show a pretty good flash of her downstairs, and gave several people at Ofcom heart palpitations and sleepless nights.

Simon Cowell is Your God and Saviour

September 4th, 2012 By Chris Starr

?(1 Timothy 2:1-4 ) First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.

Sounds about right. Why else do you think thousands upon thousands of people line up in supplication every year to perform in front of your God and Saviour, Simon Cowell? What else is the X-Factor, or Britain or America’s Got Talent, if not a way to please the sight of God our Saviour?

Sinitta Worries About Cowell’s Intruder (While Thinking She’s The Only Person Who Should Be Breaking In And Acting Weird)

March 28th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Sinitta wants Simon Cowell to move house after an intruder was found in his wardrobe covered in blood. Sinitta probably thought she was the only person who was allowed to be found hiding in his house, acting like a lunatic.

The leaf-wearing maniac dated Simon in the ’80s and has remained his close friend ever since, mainly by sheer persistence.

She’s now very worried for Cowell and thinks he’s not safe where he lives and wants him to get the blue hell outta there. She also thinks it’s all about her. No, seriously.

Britain’s Got Talented Freaks

March 27th, 2012 By Kris Silver

What is the fascination that TV talent shows have with letting us know that those who look like they hit every branch of the ugly tree shortly after plummeting from its peak, all have some for of inner beauty that we're supposed to admire and warm our cold, black hearts with?

Jonathan Antoine is the latest uggo to drop his trousers and have the ungreased fist of ITV?s Lord and Saviour, Simon Cowell, operating those gorgeous vocal chords, located somewhere beneath that 3^rd or 4^th chin.

Following in the very deep footsteps of Susan Boyle, Michelle McManus and, yes, even Rick Waller, Jonathan and, to a lesser extent, his singing partner, Charlotte something, have burst onto our screens and will, for the 4^th or 5^th year running, remind us that REAL beauty, the kind of beauty you SHOULD care about, is on the inside.

David Hasselhoff Bothers QVC By Singing All Over It

February 28th, 2012 By Matthew Laidlow

As far as adoptions go, the UK proudly house people of all colour and creed. Is it because we care? Or so we can steal their national culinary cuisines and make inferior versions of them? Just look at Nandos and Yo Sushi. Because the Brits don’t like actual Germans,?David Hasselhoff ticks our Vaterland?criteria.

And with our Germanic Hoff substitute, we didn’t get sausages and strong ale, we got Knight Rider – a programme so awful that the only realistic thing in it was a talking motor car called KITT.

After returning to his adopted homeland to flog power ballads, Hasselhoff returned to the UK and ironically got asked to judge Britain?s Got Talent. Surely after that watching his poor German humour on primetime TV, he'd go away? Nope, he's still around pestering those who?ll listen. Even shambolic bidding TV channel QVC isn't safe. They were treated to a performance from ?The Hoff? as he launched his new album.?Der abschaum der menschlichen gesellschaft!

Simon Cowell Wants Cheryl Cole And Tries To Reinvent The Scratch DJ

January 26th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Simon Cowell has made stars of boybands, Chico, Susan Boyle and a variety of completely forgettable singers like Steve Brookstein, Leon Thingy and DooDah Sneddon. Possibly. We’re get all those talent shows confused these days.

So what’s his next move? Well, apart from publicly wooing Cheryl Cole again (presumably Kelly Rowland can’t be bothered saying ‘boo’/sitting next to the bizarre Tulisa on the X Factor next year), he’s decided he’s going to make a talent show about DJs.

Seriously. While this may pique the interest of some, there’s little chance it could work in a primetime format… surely?

Simon Cowell Is Not The Marrying Kind

January 24th, 2012 By Lady Robotnik

Runaway bride Simon Cowell has broken off another relationship, this time to his makeup artist Mezhgan Husaiany.

“It’s quite a complicated relationship. We have had a break from each other, and we are still incredibly close,” Cowell told The Sunday Mirror. “I’m vulnerable. It’s not on, it’s not off, it’s somewhere in the middle. I don’t know if I will ever get married, but I am happy.”

You know how painful it is when you drop an M&M and it rolls under the sofa, and is juuussstttttt out of your reach? Welcome to Mezghan Husaiany?s life.

Badvertising: Play Weight Watchers By Blinding & Deafening Yourself

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

OI! FATTY! IT’S JANUARY SO YOU’D BEST GET ON THE TREADMILL! Is what I’d be shouting at you if I wasn’t one of you; a Festive over-indulger that left a world of salad and steak for one populated almost exclusively by Toblerone and Terry’s Chocolate Oranges. We’ve all been there and now you’re probably sitting clutching your list of New Year’s Resolutions desperately trying to convince yourself that you’ll achieve all of the things on it.

You won’t.

Why should you? You’re your own person and you don’t need a list of goals to tell you that you should probably crack open a bag of cress every now and then before you start to resemble Michelle MacManus & Rik Waller’s illicit love-child. You don’t even need a list of goals to tell you that it might be time to get yourself on a dating website and meet someone new before you fall into the arms of an ex-lover because you’re horribly lonely.

Susan Boyle Wants To Touch Your Boyparts

October 13th, 2011 By Robin Darke

Dear hecklersprayers, this article contains information that may ruin your appetite and could even inflict some serious mental damage, distrust of the female nether-parts up to and including the Predator?s face.

Right, with that legal stuff out the way, it's bad news for all straight men and gay women out there. Susan Boyle is on the look for a suitable mate.

We can't actually bring ourselves to speak of the hairiest winner of Britain?s Got Talent in a sexual light. It just seems very, very wrong. Like how you wouldn't want to know about your grandparent?s sex life, or how your mother explains the first time you find a condom in their bedroom. An uneasy, topsy turvy feeling in your stomach makes you want to vomit enough bile to make Example think ?Jeez, they're being a bit harsh.?