Levi Johnston is the master of the art of trolling. It appears his sole aim in life is to annoy supreme pencil neck, Sarah Palin, ’til she reaches the point of explosion. Of course, when she finally KABOOMS, the sky will be thick with impotent rage and garbled words spelled out like the sky has been attacked by a dyslexic skywriter.

Better yet, is that Palin can’t really do much about it because Levi is the father to her grandson. He’s always going to be part of the Palin family.

So imagine the next time they awkwardly meet up, when Levi announces that he’s writing a tell-all book about Palin and her mental, trigger happy family!

And why is Levi writing this book?

“For me, for my boy Tripp and for the country.”

How noble! So what is the book going to be called? ‘Living With The Palins’? Or maybe ‘Inside The Political Storm: Sarah Palin & Me’?

Absolutely not. That’s not nearly funny enough. Levi’s book is to be called ‘Deer in the Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin’s Crosshairs’! HAHAHA!

We can only hope the dust-jacket features some shoddy photoshopping, with Levi’s head on a deer body with Sarah in a bikini firing rounds into the ground.

Johnston says:

“I want to tell the truth about my close relationship with the Palins, my sense of Sarah and my perplexing fall from grace — how I feel and what I’ve learned”

Or, in English, he’s going to be taking the rise out of all the Palin family, including the prancing ex, Bristol. The publishers are promising that the whole thing is going to be a hoot to read, filled with funny anecdotes.

Seeing as Levi recently bared all for Playgirl, we wouldn’t bet against it. We can only hope that it’s filled with libellous anecdotes and hilarious asides about Palin flying into apoplectic rages when she can’t work out how to set the timer on her video player.

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Sarah Palin is a fascinating creature. She’s managed to succeed in life by having little more than a will to rise to the top. Seriously. Very, very little more. She’s not smart, she isn’t a good diplomat but she is determined.

And soon, there’s a very good chance she’ll have the codes to blow the entire world up. Amazing. Think about it. A village idiot running the Western World, tottering up to diplomats from the Far East and saying things like “why do you guys squint all the time? Haven’t you got sunglasses over here?!”

It was only a matter of time before someone decided to make a film about Palin. She’s perfect for parody. And taking the role is Julianne Moore.

Moore will have to don some glasses, a ski-jacket and a blank, lifeless expression while chirruping “YOU BETCHA!” in a movie that will cover Palin’s 2008 presidential campaign.

The flick, made for TV of course (Palin may well be a staggering dolt but she’s not done enough to warrant an actual cinema release… yet. Give her another couple of years and we’ll be set) on HBO, will be called Game Change, which is based on the book of the same name by John Heilemann and Mark Halperin.

The book, amusingly, savages Palin, going into her wild mood swings, which have been describes our future leader of the universe as able to go into a ‘catatonic stupor’. According to the tome, senior figures in the McCain campaign actually wondered out loud that she was actually mentally unstable.

And this could provide some bleak, dark comedy from Moore’s portrayal of Palin The Nutter.

One describes scenes of Palin living in squalor, surrounded by mouldy food and stacks and stacks of endless index cards as she crammed up on policy and whatnot.

Of course, it goes without saying that Team Palin have dismissed the book’s allegations as inaccurate gossip (the best kind of gossip).

The chap making the show/film/thingy was behind Meet The Parents, so it is safe to assume that this document of Palin’s rise may not be a wholly serious one (because, in fairness, you couldn’t ever hope to take Palin wholly seriously, which ironically, is her most powerful weapon).

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Looking at Sarah Palin, it is hard to imagine a more terrifying political human. Her staggering simplery along with gasping vapidity is far too close to the nuclear codes for our liking. You’d be forgiven for thinking that things could only get worse if Glen Beck announced his intention to run for office.

Until that crushingly inevitable day occurs, we can look forward to another horror.

That’s right citizens of this failing planet! Bristol Palin fully intends to follow in her mother’s waddling political footsteps. This is the signal we’ve all been waiting for. The end is nigh. Kill yourselves now.

Bristol has announced, not in specific terms, that she’s prepared to destroy the Earth in the future after she said she would “probably” run for office one day, “but that would be further down the road.” A road littered with piles of cadavers and craters.

She says:

“If I saw something that needed to be changed, then I would step up to the plate and do something about it”

Already showing signs of being a charismatic leader, Bristol admitted in an interview that she has no friends in Arizona, and that she spends a lot of time rattling around her house talking to herself while mopping up the puke and piss of 2-year-old Tripp.

We mock, but we could all be calling Tripp the ‘Grand Poobah’ or something when he inherits the world from his batshit mental family.

On her road to ruling the planet, Bristol will first take a job at a radio station in Arizona, where she’ll try and forget about all that Dancing With The Stars nonsense.

“We are in the works with them. Just to see when and what the logistics and stuff of it but it would be a lot of fun.”

She’s also a little keener to talk about her new boyfriend who, obviously, is completely lacking in every single sensory organ. He’s called Gino.

“He’s a good guy. He’s a family guy. He’s a Christian. We have all the same religious beliefs and our families both come first in our lives, and we just have a lot in common…He loves Tripp and he’s just awesome to be around.”

Fuck. Another Christian. They’re worse than the Scientology lot. Until our planet is crushed like a beer can, we can at least look forward to Bristol Palin’s new book. We’re already assuming it’ll be her mandate for the future of mankind.

Cooperate or be killed. Hey! Bristol! You should use that as the title for it!

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Over the past ten years or so, the world has been flooded with countless pointless memoirs and autobiographies. You’ll be able to read Justin Bieber’s soon, which will no doubt say “I was born three seconds ago and I sang some songs and can’t work out how to undo Selena Gomez’s bra, The End.’

And now, we’re due another utterly pointless document in the shape of a memoir from Bristol Palin. She’s hardly known for being a raconteur is she?

This isn’t plain ol’ hearsay either. Bristol’s memoir is already showing up on Amazon.com. We are, presumably, supposed to be thrilled at the prospect of reading about someone with a simpleton mother, teenage pregnancy and how hard it is wobbling around like a giraffe on a see-saw on ‘Dancing With the Stars’.

Unfathomably, this book (currently called ‘Untitled Bristol Palin Memoir’, which for the record, we think the publishers should keep as a title), is 304-pages long! It’s either filled with padding or the book uses an amazingly large typeface. Maybe it utilises the whole ‘one letter per page’ thing?

The book is set for a June 21st release, which is thrilling news for fans of people who like non-events on June 21st.Perhaps it’s your birthday on that date? This book will, guaranteed, not upstage you

Bristol’s memoir will, of course, be published by William Morrow & Co. (a leg of HarperCollins) who published Sarah Palin’s ‘Going Rouge: An American Life’ and ‘America by Heart : Reflections on Family, Faith, and Flag.’ Both of those were translated from crayon into proper print.

Recently, Bristol has been all coy about her new love interest (probably at his behest for fear of everyone ripping the shit out of him for the rest of his life) and has moved away from Alaska to Arizona. Does Bristol only live in places that begin with ‘A’? Is she going to eventually live in Alabama? Or… er… Aowa? Or Ayoming? Anusota?

Perhaps she could clear that up for us in her memoir or, y’know, write a joke for us about things beginning with ‘A’ that isn’t quite so clunky. And rubbish.

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The Palin family are just great aren’t they? In Sarah Palin, we have a woman who doesn’t know a single thing about the world outside of Alaska (she probably thinks Mary Poppins is a gritty documentary about England) and in Bristol, we’ve got a gal who has the cold, dead stare of someone who has witnessed the unspeakable.

Of course, she used to date the most hilarious man in America – Levi Johnston – a man made entirely of satire. He got her pregnant, then promptly went about slagging off anyone with the surname Palin. That probably includes Michael Palin.

Anyway, after being rubbish at dancing on television, Bristol has been looking for love or something. And apparently, she’s found it in the most likely of places – The Alaskan pipeline!

Bristol, was recently asked by the jocks of the Bob & Mark Show if she was seeing a 20-year-old Alaska pipeline worker. She probably spends a lot of time around the pipeline with her mum, straddling it while stroking a gleaming gun, waiting for any pesky Russians who might come along and try to divert all that lovely oil to… oh we dunno… filthy communists and terrorists!

Bristol says about her lovelife:

“I’m seeing a guy and he’s really great and Tripp loves him and we’re having a really good time and we’re really good friends”

“Yeah, we can go with that. I’m thrilled. I love the town that I live in. I love my house. Tripp’s happy; he’s healthy. It was cool. It made Dancing with the Stars worth it, for sure.”

What? Is she saying that this new bloke of hers is ‘healthy’ and that he only tapped her ass because she was on Dancing With The Stars?

Jesus wept… she’s not a fussy girl is she?

Bristol also decided to let everyone know that she’s changed Tripp’s last name to Palin. Although, she’s not done it legally because expert satirist Levi is rather reluctant to do so.

She explains:

“Yeah, I’ve asked Levi to do it many different times, just get it out of the way, just sign over his parental rights, but I don’t know if he will or if he wants to right now. I’ve asked him to do that many times – just say, ‘Hey, look, let’s just avoid this custody case that’s been ongoing since Tripp was born just get it over with just sign over your rights. He’s always going to be your son, you can see him whenever you want to,’ but he just doesn’t want to sign him over because it looks bad on paper. Since Dancing With the Stars he’s seen him, at the most, three times. It’s like four hours I think. It’s unfortunate for Tripp.”

That’s the way things work in Palinland. ‘Just sign over your parental rights’ and everything will be tickety boo for everyone, okay? No seriously. It won’t stop you from seeing your child. There’s no accounting for what my mental mother might do once that happens, but y’know, there’s no beef here!

Head. On. Desk.

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If Sarah Palin wasn’t a politician, she’d be hilarious. Think about it. She’s a gun-toting, slackjawed moose-for-brains who garbles her words and thinks that it is totally okay to use gun-targets in association with her political rivals.

Had she been the invention of a satirist, you’d laugh like a drain at each dunderheaded move she made.

Sadly, she’s horribly real and has gone about invigorating the kind of American that makes the rest of the world wince with discomfort. And no-one has ever seen her blink, even when she said that outrageous ‘death panel’ comment.

And why is Palin so terrifying? Well, for a start, she allows her belief in Jesus to oppose abortion including some cases of rape and incest, while being totally cool with being a life-member of the NRA, which means she can shoot living things if she wants, as long as they’re not growing inside a sac.

She also doesn’t want gays to get married. We can only assume that she’s opposed to same-sex unions because their celebrations of the event will be more fabulous than a thousand series of ‘Sarah Palin’s Alaska’.

So it goes, that Sarah Palin’s TV show is to be cancelled much to the chagrin of all those television critics who enjoying giving it a kicking every time it was transmitted.

That’s right fool-fans, there are no plans to record footage of Palin shooting a moose in the face with a gun any more. Shame. Those moose kids really love it when someone captures their ‘best side’ being blown clean off by a hooraying simpleton with a penchant for rolling big words around her mouth like a cat flicking at an ulcer with its tongue.

Sadly, this means that Palin will probably be running for office now. So instead of watching Eskimo bingo, we’re going to have to endure her talking about her North Korean allies and her self-proclaimed likeness to Shakespeare.

Brilliant. We’re all doomed. Where do we sign-up for one of these death panel things we’ve been told about?

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Sarah Palin’s bloodlust continues to stir up opinions – all of them useless – around the planet. But mostly America. When her new party political broadcast… sorry, sorry, when her new reality show aired – Sarah Palin’s Alaska -  everyone took it in turns to either fawn or kick her in the seat of her pants.

Whether it was any good or not, it’s quite startling to watch a former vice presidential candidate wielding a gun, firing it and killing something. More often than not, US politicians are out kissing babies or trying to explain themselves after being caught with their pants down.

Well, Palin shot a caribou and it was only a matter of time before PETA cleared their throats and, in an adenoidal voice, said ‘Excuse me, I think you’ll find we have an opinion on all this actually.’ From the smoking barrel of a moron to the self proclaimed voice of the woodland, could this spat get more irritating if it tried?

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) vice president Dan Mathews released a statement sharing his thoughts. Probably wiping up the tears of a jaded moth while he did it, with a handkerchief made from hemp that willingly offered itself to be pulped and woven.

“Sarah seems to think that resorting to violence and blood and guts may lure people into watching her boring show. But the ratings remain as dead as the poor animals she shoots”

Poor ol’ PETA. They haven’t got a clue when it comes to trolling people have they? Really, they should have released a statement that threatened to throw her naked in a forest while wolves with bugles chased after her for shits and giggles. Instead, Palin got a finger wagging. In her dreams, she probably shoots off the digits of naysayers hands.

Palin had something to say about this telling-off.

“Unless you’ve never worn leather shoes, sat upon a leather couch or eaten a piece of meat, save your condemnation of tonight’s episode. I remain proudly intolerant of anti-hunting hypocrisy.”

Sadly for Palin, there are people who don’t wear leather, eat meat or own a leather couch and do everything within their power to lead a life that doesn’t include suffering animals (apart from episodes of Itchy and Scratchy)… and chances are, those are the people shrieking in disagreement with her, thereby making her rebuttal kinda pointless.

But what about the caribou community?

We spoke to electronic noodle group, Caribou and asked them for their opinions:

“Hecklerwhat? Are you going to promote our last album? Well then. Go away.”

What have we learned from all this? Well, we already knew Sarah Palin was a bit mental and that PETA were mewing chumps. You already knew that hecklerspray was written by sneering reprobates, leaving us back where we started – nowhere.

At least we can all carry on hating each other with the prospect of something far more terrifying – next week, Palin’s show sees Kate Gosselin and her eight kids accompanying Palin on a camping trip.

Will it end in a midnight bear attack?

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Look into Sarah Palin’s eyes. What do you see? Your own reflection probably, because she wears glasses. However, hoik those specs clean off her head and you’ll see a faint glimpse of life in those cold, dead eyes.

That’s because Palin is a cold-blooded killer. Now, we’re not suggesting that Palin went postal over the weekend, opening fire on a mall full of people, but rather, she likes killing animals despite the fact she has enough money in the bank to, y’know, buy food from a shop.

Alas, Sarah Palin wants to win the hearts and minds of Americans by showcasing her feral side, which could well mean that we’ll see her dragging herself along some grass on her posterior or marking her territory by pissing on as many trees as possible.

In her ‘reality’ show, Palin has decided that it is perfectly okay for her to prowl around the countryside of Alaska with a great big fuck-off gun and shoot lead into the bloodstream of caribou who were minding their own business, crapping on hillsides and endlessly chewing things over and over again.

While out hunting with her father, the Palins yelled that things were getting desperate. They were down to “five packages of moose and three of caribou” meat! WHAT TO DO?! Go to the shop and buy some more meat? Take a trip to the drive-thru for a burger or two?

No. That’s a stupid idea. Why not go and kill some pesky varmints?

Says Palin, pretending that she isn’t an incredibly wealthy woman:

“That rifle in your hand can mean food on your table.”

Jesus wept. She’ll be posing with artillery in her bikini next, sporting a hat made out of a wolf’s face. There’s Tea Baggers out there who have probably seen this image already, when they furiously jerk off with shame in the dead of night.

Naturally, it is Palin’s ability to kill animals who can’t shoot back (that’s not to say they weren’t offered guns, but rather, they don’t have the required digits at the end of their legs to pull a trigger. That’s why Americans don’t hunt monkeys) that gives her an innate belief in herself.

“This is what has given me a desire to be tough and independent.”

What about her daughter though? She was all independent when she went off and had sex with someone out of wedlock. Did Sarah whip out a metaphorical shotgun so Bristol got married, in an attempt to keep her presidential hopes on the rails?

Seeing as Palin is in the opposition, she could well be looking at her prancing offspring as the reason for her failure… as opposed to a frankly baffling approach to the English language and a gaspingly dreadful grasp of foreign affairs. As such, Sarah Palin has been accused of forcing Bristol to do Dancing With the Stars because she owed momma one.

That’s what Margaret Cho is saying any way.

Cho blogged:

“Sarah supposedly blames Bristol harshly and openly…for not winning the election, and so she told Bristol she ‘owed’ it to her to do DWTS so that ‘America would fall in love with her again’ and make it possible for Sarah Palin to run in 2012…”

And what does Bristol have to say on the matter?

“I will give my friend credit for creativity, and extra points for getting so many ‘facts’ wrong in so few sentences.”

She could be talking about her own mother there, couldn’t she? Still, at least the Palin’s are all really good aims with a rifle. That’s a skill that everyone needs in this world don’t they?

If you’re mental.

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Poor old Bristol Palin, she’s got a shotgun wielding nutcase of a mother, had a child with a man who has neck so red that it can’t be seen by the naked eye and, unbelievably, she failed to win some shoddy yank spin-off of Strictly Come Dancing.

In what can only be seen as an attempt to desperately claw back some semblance of dignity, dear sweet Brizzle has appeared in a Public Service Announcement for safe sex, alongside none other than Mike, “The Situation,” Sorrentino.

Yes, you did read that correctly, Bristol Palin is promoting safe sex with a man who is named after his own abdomen.

Rather predictably the word situation features heavily in the clip, and not just because the Jersey Shore star tosspot has an IQ that only allows him to repeat the words, “the situation,” over and over again whilst dribbling and staring far off into the distance.

Our intrepid heroes are seen backstage at Dancing With the Stars, talking about how they like to avoid situations whilst having situations because that situation could lead to another situation in which a final, drastically life altering, situation crops up, thereby ruining said original situation.

Get it? Neither do we.

BUT WAIT! That’s not even the most bizarre part of this travesty in the name of public service.

During the PSA we are subjected to the Situation (the numbskull with the flat stomach, not the overall circumstance Palin and Sorrentino find themselves in) trying to get his hands on Bristol’s bristols, only to be told that Palin likes to avoid those situations, because she’s all about the abs…tinence. DO YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE!?

HAHAHAHAHA!

The more current affairs savvy amongst you will have noticed that this PSA went viral just before the Pope announced that he wasn’t as against condoms as he was last week. It’s hard to say whether Palin and Sorrentino had anything to do with the Vatican’s decision to change its stance, but we here at hecklerspray like to think that the his holiness the Pope wears a What Would the Situation Do? wristband as he struts around Vatican City, with his slicked back hair hidden under his Papal headgear.

For those of you who haven’t seen it yet, here is the B-Palin/Situation Safe Sex PSA in all its farcical glory.

Jesus Wept.

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There’s been mutterings over the pond that Dancing With The Stars has been a bit skewed this year. Why? Well, Bristol ‘My Mom Is Sarah Palin And I Have A Hilarious Ex Boyfriend’ Palin found herself in the final three, despite having the dancing prowess of a kitchen work surface.

It seems that the Tea Baggers (really, someone should tell those narrow-minded chumps the alternative meaning for that) have been voting in droves to perhaps soften the image of the gobbledegook nattering, gun wielding simpleton, Sarah Palin, who is probably going to be the next US president.

However, there is room for hope. That’s because, despite the efforts of the slackjawed xenophobes, Bristol Palin didn’t win Dancing With The Stars. Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough did. You probably don’t recognise her from Dirty Dancing because she looks like a completely different human.

In fact, Bristol Palin didn’t even come second in the show. Someone we’ve never heard of got that gong. In fact, things must have been bad for the show as Jennifer Grey managed to out-dance everyone else whilst having a slipped disc in her back or something. Maybe the cha-cha-cha includes a move where you grip your back constantly and grimace with pain?

Still, it’s totally worth winning a dancing contest, even if it does mean you’ll never walk properly again.

In the show, third-place loser Bristol announced that winning the programme would be like “a big middle finger to all the people out there who hate my mom and hate me.”

So that’s one thing cleared up. Everyone seemingly DOES hate the Palins. Maybe the whole ‘getting her to the final and then snatching the trophy away from her just as she started to get her hopes up’ was a massive ruse on the part of the American public. If so, hecklerspray commends you and will get the next flight available to give every single one of you a hearty pat on the back.

As Sarah Palin goes off on a book tour, where simpletons can be found chanting “Go Sarah! Go Sarah!” like they’re on the Jerry Springer Show (lets face it, both crowds are from a very similar place) and continues with her cod-reality show which essentially sees her being an action figure come to life (replace that with ‘fuck-doll’ if you prefer) for right wing America (the kind of people who like to ban Sharia Law in States that has absolutely no intention of getting Sharia Law in the first place. A bit like someone allergic to diary proudly announcing that they’re giving up sucking the milk from cow’s teats), Bristol could well be called upon to dance around like a performing monkey, just in case her mother makes up another stupid word or gets asked any tricky questions about, y’know, politics.

Maybe we’re watching America develop sarcasm in front of our very eyes, dangling the presidency before Palin before voting for someone else?

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Left wing media this. Right wing media that. hecklerspray knows a dick when it sees one and Sarah Palin is up there with the best of them. That’s not because we’re liberal tarts or what have you, but rather, like mercilessly taking the piss out of thick people… and the Republican Party over in America is an absolute godsend in that respect.

As such, it was hilarious to see Sarah Palin getting her face booed at on Dancing With The Stars. She definitely did. Biased commentators will have you believe that the boos were directed elsewhere, but it’s as plain as the genitals between your legs that they were a little gift for one of America’s most dimwitted humans.

A woman who probably had kittens when she discovered that she could open a new tab when looking for stuff to blame the imagined erosion of American values online.

There are people out there who would have you believe that the boos on the show were dished out because of the worse-than-expected scores given to Jennifer Grey for her dance-routine.

Apparently, the crowd were so worked up about Jennifer ‘Has A Completely Different Face These Days And Could Well Be Replaced By A Semi Professional Dancer For All We Know’ Grey’s trio of 8s from the judges, that they decided to boo boo BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

A network spokeshuman said:

“They were just expressing their feelings about a really, really good dance. It’s not at all unusual.”

And neither is booing Sarah Palin it seems. She’s been booed by her own supporters because she couldn’t be bothered to sign her book for them, and most amusingly, she got her arse handed to her at a hockey game where she was given the opportunity to drop the first puck.

BOOOOO!

And again, the fine people of America gave her another booing on Dancing With The Stars, covered up by nervous television executives who don’t want to appear in favour of either side… which in itself, is hilarious given the extreme leanings of American news networks.

In the clip below, you can see Palin’s reaction to definitely being booed at, as the camera cuts to her still shaking her empty little head. Imagine how loud the boos are in there, as the noises bounce off each empty arc of her inner-skull. It must be deafening.

Anyway, here’s the booing.

BOO! HISS! BOOOO! BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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People who were famous in the ’80s thrive on knowing that, despite falling out of favour with various television and record company executives, their hardcore fanbase still love them. These fans are what stop them from rigging a hose up to the exhaust and ending this cruel life.

But what happens when those fans suddenly go AWOL? What happens when these fans decide that you can’t even dance as well as Bristol Palin who moves around the floor like a thing you’ve shot in the knees?

This is what David Hasselhoff will be asking himself today as he was the first person voted off Dancing With The Stars. It looks like we might be due another Hoff Drunk On The Floor video again.

We’re well aware that The Hoff has worked on various talent shows in The States, but really, that isn’t an indicator of how well loved you are by the public at large. That would be like assuming that the British public have grabbed Amanda Holden and Piers Morgan and clutched them to the collective bosom.

We haven’t. We have to get up early in a morning just so we can cram all the loathing in.

Hoff’s departure has still come as something of a surprise to host of Dancing With The Stars, Tom Bergeron:

“I got to tell you, of all the first people to leave, in all the seasons I’ve hosted, this was the biggest surprise to me!”

Apparently, comedian Margaret Cho was the one that should have got the chop. Mainly because she’s a terrible dancer (which saw Bergeron quipping that she looked and danced ‘like Liberace’s shower curtain’).

This doesn’t matter one jot, because it’s obvious that the whole of America hates David Hasselhoff so much that they vote for Bristol Palin, despite the fact her mother is a fucking mental. When Michael Bolton is more popular than you, you really see the dark looming clouds of depressing hanging around on the horizon.

Hasselhoff said, adding to the sense of impending death:

“We’re already wearing black for our funeral – Hoff to heaven.”

No. Honestly. He said that. If only we were making that bit up.

Jimmy Kimmel added, after the show on his own show… show show show…:

“How do you eliminate David Hasselhoff in the first week?”

“Have you people no sense of comedy? I have a show to do here,”

“I was counting on him for at least six weeks! This is Hoff-ul, just Hoff-ul.”

There you have it. America hates David Hasselhoff and wishes that KITT got his gig on the show instead (which, for the record, would be fucking brilliant).

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Once upon a time, Britain looked to the Royal Family with distrust because they were always distant and remote. Then, they appeared on our TVs in It’s A Royal Knock-Out! and we all realised that their being away from us was a huge blessing.

Now, America is faced with the same feeling after watching Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, shuffling around a dancefloor like a pensioner trying to get to the toilet before their bag bursts in Dancing With The Stars.

Funnily enough, she danced around to ‘Momma Told Me Not To Come’, which is presumably what Bristol’s ex-fella, Levi Johnston was probably wishing he got told before he slipped one in to the daughter of one of America’s most idiotic politicians.

So what did Sarah Palin think of Bristol’s performance?

Well, after initially shooting round after round at her television set for being an evil talky-box of magic, she settled down and tweeted:

“Over-the-moon excited and happy for Bristol! Cheering her on @ DWTS party in the Palin living room,”

Imagine going to a party at Sarah Palin’s house. Imagine how grim that would be. Piss on the toilet seat and she’d probably chase you round the garden with a shot-gun and accuse you of being a commie bastard.

Anyway, here’s a video of Bristol Palin, showing all the grace of a lanky puppy in a cement mixer, complete with shit-eating VOTE FOR ME grin.

Lovely stuff.

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Hey, everyone, Dancing With The Stars is back! No, wait, don’t leave, that’s good news. No, really, it is.

The show has something for everyone. If you like dancing, there’s dancing. If you like bizarre costumes that tend to make people you used to admire look like a cross between a low-budget prostitute and a cartoon of a little Dutch girl, then there’s that. And if you like stars, then… well, actually this is where Dancing With The Stars usually falls down. The contestants are often so painfully obscure that if you’ve even heard of four of them it feels like an enormous moral triumph.

But this year Dancing With The Stars has pulled out all the stops and hired celebrities who you will have definitely heard of. They’re all genuinely awful human beings, but at least you’ll know who they are. And that’s something, right? Full Dancing With The Stars line-up after the jump…

Bristol Palin – Daughter of Sarah Palin and mother of that kid she had when she was supposed to be promoting abstinence all over the place. Can Bristol juggle her gruelling dance training with the demands of caring for her dribbling, wailing, attention-seeking dependent? By which we obviously mean Sarah Palin. Ha ha ha. Satire.

David Hasselhoff – The world’s best-loved alcoholic. Forget winning or losing, everyone really wants to know how long it’ll be before Hasselhoff turns up to the recording drunk, makes a hopeless fool out of himself, tries to paper over the mess he’s made of everything by forlornly calling himself ‘The Hoff’ a lot and then bursts into tears. Our guess? Two weeks.

The Situation – From Jersey Shore, that show you’ve never watched but pretend that you do because you’re the editor of a celebrity website and you’re supposed to be into crap like this.

Brandy – Like David Hasselhoff, Brandy used to be a judge on America’s Got Talent. We know what you’re thinking. We’re also glad that Piers Morgan isn’t here.

Michael Bolton – MICHAEL FUCKING BOLTON. That is all.

Jennifer Grey – The one from Dirty Dancing who isn’t dead. Also, the one from Dirty Dancing who you probably assumed was dead.

Audrina Partridge – The woman from The Hills. No, not that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. The other one. No, not that one. The one next to her. Her.

Florence Anderson – This year’s token Hilarious Pensioner, a role that Dancing With The Stars is determined to maintain until someone falls over and shatters their hip.

Kurt Warner – This year’s Retired American Footballer Who Will Definitely Finish Dancing With The Stars In Third Place Because They All Do So What’s The Sodding Point Of Him Even Turning Up?

Rick Fox – We don’t know who this is, but he’s almost definitely not a real fox. A disappointment.

Margaret Cho – A comedian who, according to Wikipedia, cites Bill Hicks as an influence. Sadly Bill Hicks didn’t live long enough to ever appear on Dancing With The Stars, a fact that causes great pain to his loyal fanbase.

Kyle Massey – Kyle Massey was born in 1991. With that in mind, we hate him.

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Every so often, a walking guilt-shag comes along. Once, men secretly desired after Kelly Osbourne, never daring to let on because… well… she’s mental and not very attractive. More recently, it was Sarah Palin who is, well, a right wing nutjob.

It’s okay though. While you dream of degrading her with your member, Levi Johnston has been on hand to consistently wind Palin up like an expert internet troll.

And he’s at it again, now saying that the only thing he regrets regarding the pregnating of Palin’s daughter, relationship and all that junk, is saying sorry to the pie-eyed politician.

Apparently, it makes him sound like a liar.

Levi publicly apologised to the former Alaskan governor over the summer for a bunch of remarks he had made about her family in the past. In short, he said they were all shit humans.

However in an interview which will be aired in the US on The Early Show, he’s admitted that he’s having second thoughts about saying sorry.

He says:

“I don’t really regret anything, but the only thing I wish I wouldn’t have done is put out that apology because it kind of makes me sound like a liar.”

“And I’ve never lied about anything. So that’s probably the only thing. The rest of the stuff I can live with.”

This is chap who has said that Palin would say “Where’s my retarded baby?” as well as rubbishing her outdoorsy image by noting “I’ve never seen her touch a fishing pole. She had a gun in her bedroom and one day she asked me to show her how to shoot it.” Not to mention his barbed “It’s ridiculous how fake [the Palins] are.”

Go get ‘em tiger! We’re all having way too much fun!

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