Queen are a terrible band aren’t they? Overblown, pompous, noodly bollocks for people who can’t bring themselves to dance or listen to anything with a trace of funk. They’re so white they’re borderline Aryan.

Still, there’s obviously a huge market of Stock Broker Rock and Queen have hardly struggled throughout their career.

But what is it that people like about them? Well, if you ask Brian May, it’s because they “speak for common people”.

Speaking to the BBC, May said that he felt that the band had endured because…

“We’re not the most technically accomplished, we’re not virtuosos. We speak how we feel and I think we speak for common people. We’ve always been a people’s band. We’re not locked into any time frame, we speak for people’s dreams, hopes and aspirations and I think that endures”.

Now, let’s look at that statement. They speak to the common man. They speak for people’s dreams. They’re a ‘people’s band’.

That’s Brian May there, the star-gazing, elitist, Tory-voting, Royal-loving, clog-wearer who was in a band that thought nothing of playing in apartheid South Africa.

Yeah. Real man-of-the-people Bri’!

Still, we’re wrong to attack your personal lives. You were talking about your band weren’t you, with their real ‘of the people’ lyrics eh?

Scaramouche! Fandango! Galileo! Figaro! Magnifico! Bismillah!

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Hey guys. The X Factor’s still on. But that’s totally cool because the 100 Year War ran over a couple of decades too, and that was just as important, so not to worry. Those House of the Plantagenet dudes probably had issues connecting their own personal stresses in life to Lighthouse Family lyrics too. Oh, life.

But as Virginia Woolf once said, “When Frankie Cocozza had those girl’s names cauterized into his sigmoid colon, he was probably just a bit tipsy.”

The theme for this week was of course LOVE AND HARMONY. So, in celebration of that, we’re going to get off our ivory towers, and ride our high horses back down to Planet Earth and be nice about The X Factor for a change. Because All You Need is Love, as The Beatles once said, which is true. But they also said “We all live in a yellow submarine”, which isn’t technically accurate, and that “Happiness is a warm gun”, when in fact – quite hilariously – happiness is actually an abstract concept brought on by endogenous opioid peptides that adopt temporary feelings of exhilaration! Haha! God, those guys and their heroin, eh?

But nonetheless, The X Factor carried on regardless, but ONLY BECAUSE it is an amazingly brave television programme and coincidentally just happens to be really really cool and brilliant and mind blowing and resplendent and amazing.

But yep – the theme was love, as Dermot O’Leary may or may not have told us because we’re only 14% convinced he’s actually still in the country, let alone hosting The X Factor. Oh come on, we’re only joking. Of course Dermot still hosts The X Factor, and we think he’s doing a marvellous job. We only said that because X Factor is such a touchstone of televisual entertainment that we sometimes get so swept away in the mayhem – the show’s BRILLIANCE almost hosts itself! So, that’s all we meant.

First to sing on Saturday was of course everyone’s favourite Hi-NRG synth masterminds of hope and promise for a new generation Nu Vibe – who rather delightfully sang a U2 song fused with some wavetable synthesis and some added electro basslines! Now, SOME would say that this was a bit of a risqué musical decision, but not us – whom of course loved every second of the cripplingly corrupt and insincere performance of the five wife-beating dictators. Sorry, we always had trouble spelling the word ‘brilliant’. Oh, Nu Vibe. You are so funny and blokey and adorable together. We bet sometimes you push your intense heterosexuality to the core and order a ‘slippery nipple’ shot from a bar just for a laugh because you’re just a bunch of down to earth guys really. Onwards and upwards!

Oh our god! Imagine if the day after Christmas they had a day called Christmas 2! Yeah, that’s right. Following in the canyon-sized footprints of magnificence of Nu Vibe was Sami Brookes, who sang I Will Always Love You – which is of course not only the greatest song in the world, but also championing 4^th position in Woman’s Own’s Top 10 Songs To Have a Bath too. And as for Sami? WELL. Her fringe looked really, really great. We’re not even bullshitting here. It glimmered like the tears of a newborn child.

“You picked a massive song, and you have a massive voice but you are definitely not clinically obese and I would never allude to that in any possible way.” Tulisa Einstein-Newton-Archimedes conferred after Sami’s really incredibly unpredictable performance.

Craig Colton was up next as you obviously remember because you guys are amazing. He sang that boring Beyonce song about ‘feelings’ which is fine, except us normal human beings over in Planet Sanity are all just listening to the Beyonce songs about how HER ARSE IS AMAZING AND SHE BOUNCES IT ALL OVER THE WORLD LIKE A REALLY AWESOME AMAZING VERSION OF MALARIA. Alas, Craig does not share the same musical aspirations as we do, which is a shame. In a way.

The Aurora Beurolis Janet Devlin (ie: The OTHER Queen of Our Hearts) had a hard time of it this week. Yeah, we know we’ve called her a bint… and an AIDS hoarder… and a happiness vacuum in the past, but that was just childish horseplay. Janet explained in her VT that her granddad died this week and just to tug at our already tattered heartstrings further, ITV cruelly told us the tale complete with our most despised of enemies – DESPONDENT PIANO.

Don’t you hate it when really old people die of natural causes? We literally can’t think of a time that has ever actually happened to an old person before, so Janet is tremendously unlucky. Nonetheless – she muddled through with her version of  “I can’t help falling in love with you” which apparently is a song. The lyrics sounded like a coke-addled young scamp fervently scrawling down Spandau Ballet’s back catalogue on the back of a pub quiz sheet, but whatever, it’s obviously beautiful and amazing and Janet’s so different and innovative from all those other try-hards who mistake having split ends for musical accomplishments. So beautiful and amazing it was, that in a moment of sheer COCAINE brilliance, Gary called Janet – and we’re not even shitting you – “A great translator of music.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Which of course we agree with and think is an amazing point amazingly made obviously.

From one great translator of music to another – no no, NOT “Elvis Presley or Little Richard or Jimi Hendrix or John Lennon or James Brown or Joni Mitchell or Aretha Franklin or someone along those lines”, MORONS – we are of course talking about Sade Frankie Cocozza! who came back this week due to unfortunate lack of manslaughter.

But joking aside, this had actually been a tough week for Frankie. Holy coping mechanisms, Batman! If you thought things were bad for Janet this week we literally couldn’t believe our ears were physically attached to the side of our own heads and always have been when we heard about Frankie’s gripes and tribulations the week previous had brought him.

Singing a song, and then not singing that song and then singing a Coldplay song.

Ignoring the fact that Rihanna once used the term ‘Dope Coldplay Track’ – then this is obviously not a very nice thing that happened. We mean, JESUS Gary, Somme much? Cut the guy some slack, he’s only ever felt the warmth of a woman’s touch six times, his heart aches with loneliness. Thankfully for Frankie, he is a really god-awful excuse for a singer, so his version of The Scientist went down amazingly well with literally every one. Don’t you just love a happy ending? At the end of the performance, Gary tried to make a joke that Frankie should have sang I Will Always Love You, Louis and nobody laughed or made any fragment of noise for over 40 minutes. Just incredibly cystitis-y and awkward for everyone. Good.

Johnny Robinson sang I Can’t Get You Out of My Head in a Geisha outfit which wasn’t clinically misjudged or humiliating in the slightest, moreso, the singular best thing we saw on Saturday the 15^th of October 2011 by a MILE. Unfortunately, Gary had to ruin the totz amazing atmos of the performance by chastising Johnny for looking EXACTLY like Aladdin. Hmm. Aladdin, eh. A-la-ddin. Okay, that’s fine. He probably knew what he was talking about.

Next up was of course LIVERPOOL from Liverpool. Liverpool told us all about how being on the X Factor is a lot different to being from Liverpool, but still a good laugh regardless of all the lack of Liverpool by talking to some people who are not from Liverpool. Liverpool then sang Russian Roulette presumably because he is a massive fan of both The Deerhunter, the short lived 2003 ITV1 daytime quiz show with Rhona Cameron, and mid-tempo R&B ballads in F Sharp Minor. Liverpool seemed proper into it, and the judges were all like ‘Why are you looking at us? Do we look remotely musically qualified to judge you people in the slightest? We just really really like morphine to be honest.’ We were going to tell you more about this, but then the big thing with the sjiodijsofdjdfohfd happened and it was really boring and we didn’t want to.

After the break, we’re sure you all remember listening to Rhythamix/Rhythmix/Weetabix/The Remix to Ignition Hot and Fresh out the Kitchen out-funk the FUNK out of Nelly Furtardo’s I’m Like A Bird, which is a song about loving someone so much that you literally feel like a BIRD, but thankfully – cheers to hip hop, the Fresh Prince of Bel-air, black nationalism and all of that sort of thing it is our utmost honour to inform you that the girls managed to sing the song beautifully and well without beating the ugly one to death and chewing on her eight mouths.

Misha “What a lovely décolletage!” Bryan came dressed as EVERYONE’S FAVOURITE QUALITY STREET LOL! Misha, what are you like, with all this talent and hair and vast selection of synthetic polymers! Misha has come a long way from riding an Arriva bus to her hometown of HOLE IN THE GROUND OF LIFE every day back and forth picking up shards of nacre from the rubble of her broken home JUST so she can eat her non-fertilized sturgeon roe properly. We love her. Well, you know. We love her in the sort of way Woody Allen loved adult women.

The Risk showed us plenty of risk with their risky interpretation of that Bruno Mars song – the risk being that the song is SO brilliant, could they overwhelm the audience with happiness TOO MUCH? As it turned out, they didn’t at all. Bit upsetting.

And last and by every single means least if we’re talking about scale of cognitive mental disorders was Kitty Brucknell. This week in ITV1′s attempt to stopper Kitty’s cognitive development’s any further, Kitty received warm praise from the one and only BLOG OF BRIAN MAY! Blimey. There we are. The Blog of Brian May. That sounds really all kinds of levels of interesting, doesn’t it? Well, we guess all that HTML from 1998 had to go somewhere. Brian May’s official Blog…  God, if only there was some sort of way of finding out our top five favourite sentences from Brian May’s official Blog…

THE OFFICIAL HECKLERSPRAY GUIDE TO THE TOP FIVE SENTENCES OF BRIAN MAY’S OFFICIAL BLOG!

1. “I was doing E-mails at the time, but my ears pricked up when a young lad sang a song incredibly passionately”

2.  ”I have been quite quiet on the subject of the Badgers recently. I’m sorry.”

3.  ”I will be on the sofa on Friday on the ONE SHOW – introducing a short film we have made on Cows, Bovine TB, and Badgers”

4. Mel C WILL rock you!

5. “Who knows where these huge lumps of machinery will land?! NASA evidently don’t! Fabulous.”

Sorry.. What were we saying?

THE RESULTS

Nu Vibe, despite having an ENTIRELY NEW VIBE were regretfully sent home. Boy, what an intense cesspit of intensity and intense feelings it was. Alongside Nu Vibe in the firing line was The New Germaine Greer Frankie Cocozza, if you could believe such a thing. Frankie and Nu Vibe! WHO WILL KEEP ALL THE SEX IN THE UNIVERSE SAFE NOW? As you can imagine, the sing-off between the two was a physically AND emotionally challenging experience, which is something we all hate. Just ask Taylor Lautner. He found out the hard way.

Yes, the sing off was so greatly filled with anguish, angst and Angus Deaton that Frankie even veto’d singing in favour of developing small amounts of semen at irregular intervals instead. Not a problem Frankie, you carry on. It’s safe, and perfectly natural. Unless of course there’s even a whisper of an outer labia within a five metre radius, in which case use a condom. So, with a heavy heart it was a bawling rohypnol-popping Tulisa that lost one of her acts, but it’s okay Tulisa, because we’re all dying anyway.

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Quick everyone! Raid the cupboard for party poppers and get out your best bunting to decorate the living room. Today sees Freddie Mercury turn sixty five and a day!

However, Freddie is yesterday’s news and has already been forgotten about. But here at hecklerspray, we won’t let a new Google image or Twitter hashtag see his memory simply forgotten.

Just like the whitefro wearing sell-out Brian May, we want to flog the birthday of Freddie Mercury to death. And oh look! Here comes Katy Perry!

That’s right!

Russell Brand’s wife also wanted to make out that she cared about a dead rocker and decided to sing a tribute to the star that definitely doesn’t look like a one take wonder before she went off to have sexy wex with Russelly Wusselly and his long, thin cockywocky.

And here it is.

Out of all the mainstream female performers such as Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry, we find it slightly weird that it wasn’t Lady Gaga paying tribute to the Queen singer whilst dressed as a praying mantis. After all, there’s something about her stage name that suggests she was particularly fond of one of the bands hits. Probably “Don’t Stop Me Now,” seeing she constantly comes up with wacky ways of dressing herself.

The only thing we can thing that links Katy Perry and Freddie Mercury have in common is their supposed bonding in homosexuality. Unless Katy has sculpted her pubic hair to resemble the famous moustache that Freddie spouted. As we all know, Fred was open about his sexual orientation whilst Katy Perry did a whole song about locking lips with other ladies. If Freddie Mercury had released a version with a similar feel, we assume that the lyrics would have gone along the lines of:

“I kissed a boy and I liked it, the taste of his meaty manstick.”

Sadly for Freddie, the bad AIDS got a hold of him, hence the reason he isn’t around with us today. Something tells us that Katy Perry won’t go the whole hog and infect herself with the killer disease to be like her idol. Though some dim-witted Queen fans probably did decide this would be a “cool” thing to do. Kind of like getting a tattoo, but more a ticking time bomb towards death. Still, it beats emulating a Brian May/Anita Dobson haircut as a tribute.

To mark the memory of Freddie Mercury turning sixty five and-a-bit, we might run a special feature tomorrow, but written in pure Spanish, in tribute to his Barcelona record. This might involve us having to learn the language, or reverting to the classic British tradition of communicating with foreigners by SHOUTING AND POINTING AT STUFF.

Meanwhile, Katy Perry will be looking out for when for the birthday of Martin Luther King so she can say he inspired her to have a dream and release bland music.

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For reasons we don’t rightly care about, Queen and Freddie Mercury have been honoured with a Google Doodle. It probably marks the first time Fred avoided a dentist appointment.

Either way, this tribute only serves to remind us of why Queen are such a loathsome group. And there’s a lot… A LOT… to dislike about stupid Queen.

And Queen have been irritating the world, decade after infuriating decade, unwilling to quietly slope away and leave our ears and eyes in peace. Queen: Let us count the ways in which we truly hate you.

1. Their Music

While there’s a couple of bearable Queen singles, for the most part, they created the most bloated, pointlessly overblown stadium pap ever created. You can see the ghost of this waddling rock nonsense in the likes of the also-abject Muse. Onanistic guitar solos topped pompous, cod-operatic pop created by the least likeable men in rock music. Bohemian Rhapsody is only fondly thought of because of Wayne’s World. Killer Queen is only liked because it’s Beatlesy. No-one likes anything else they ever did because it’s poorly executed grandstanding fluff.

Freddie’s solo stuff was miserable too. His duet with Montserrat Caballé are cloying stabs at being taken seriously, while his awful ‘Living On My Own’ and cover of ‘The Great Pretender’ should be flogged in public squares for ear-torture. ‘We Will Rock You’ is to rap, what Peter Andre’s ‘Mysterious Girl’ is to reggae. To quote a friend of hecklerspray, they are indeed, Sparks – for cunts.

2. Queen Fans

Humourless, jumpy and defensive are the blithering twits who follow the ghost of Freddie Mercury. Thousands of sleepy villages and towns celebrate their Queenery by dressing up in faux-bondage gear and fellas drag-up like the ‘I Want To Break Free’ video, while drinking weak lager and trying to dance to Queen’s rhythm-vacuum music. Essentially, they’re worse than the grindingly dedicated Smiths fans.

3. Nevermind Apartheid, Here’s Queen

Remember when South Africa was really racist? Remember that? Black people were rounded up like dogs and shipped off to desperate townships while fat Dutchmen laughed their pink arses to the bank? Remember that? No-one liked that did they? Everyone hated it so much that there was a giganto trade embargo that took place, trying to force the hand of those making the decisions.

Then Queen came along, shrugged their shoulders at a very large and handsome cheque and promptly played a show at Sun City, slap bang in the middle of the horror. Of course, the band hit back at critics by stating that they were playing music for fans and not politicians, and that they didn’t believe that pop-culture and politics need cross swords because, despite evidence to the contrary, they were playing for integrated audiences. Yeah. People in townships could afford the cover price of Queen tickets.

4. The Continual Grave Robbing Of Freddie Mercury

Hey! Freddie’s dead! He’s now a pop-martyr. Of course, the group got their heads together and decided that they should completely flog Mercury’s corpse until their arms got tired. And so, they toured with That Guy from Free, all the while, giving their best Princess Diana Eyes to camera, saying that it’ll never be the same without Freddie, but y’know, we like money more. The fans, of course, bought the whole ‘we want the music to stay alive’ angle, hook, line and sinker.

5. They Objectified Women

Bleurgh. Queen weren’t keen on womenfolk. When they’re not making glib comments about girls’ bottoms, tying mothers down, they were sticking naked women on their covers. Not only that, but in the ‘Jazz’  LP, they thought it would be okay to have a poster that featured a load of naked women riding around on bikes. The dirty gets. You can see it here, just to be horrified of course.

6. Brian May’s Hobbies

Brian May, other than being in Queen and generally plundering Freddie’s cadaver for mortgage payments, is… and this is quite a list… a Tory (despite campaigning for a hunting ban), an astrophysicist, a clog enthusiast, a collector of Victorian stereotography, a contributor to The Sky At Night and plays his guitars with a sixpence. Also, he married Anita Dobson (Angie from Eastenders) because she looked exactly like him.

7. Even John Deacon Hates Them

John Deacon, the bass player and sometime songwriter in Queen, hates Queen. Talking about his chums decision to record with Robbie Williams for a cover of ‘We Are The Champions’, he sneered: “I think they’ve ruined it”. He also chose not to be present when Queen were inducted into The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 2001. He also chose not to join in with the collab with Paul Rodgers. A source close to hecklerspray said that Deacon has said “I’m just waiting for Queen: The Lunchbox”.

8. Queen: The Musical

Get that? We live in a world where it is completely acceptable to have a musical based on Queen. Not our monarch, but a back-slapping bunch of divs who peddled some of the worst music ever cut to wax. And so, is a humble account of a band rising to fame? Not a chance. Apparently, the music of Queen saves the world. These guys are more deluded and self-centred than Michael Jackson and R Kelly put together.

9. Ben Elton

Worse still, the musical was written by Ben Elton. BEN ELTON! Queen have made a musical with Ben bloody Elton!

10. This.

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The American Idol final is gone. Gone but not forgotten. Following the victory of Kris Whateverhisnamewas, the shock is still palpable.

But don’t think that fallen American Idol loser Adam Lambert won’t have the last laugh. Kris Allen may have won the battle, but Adam Lambert has won the war – Adam Lambert’s going to be the new singer of Queen!

Except he isn’t. Brian May mumbled something about it recently, which means that Adam Lambert will probably end up being the fourth male lead in the pan-Siberian touring version of We Will Rock Rock You in about 15 years’ time. Fact.

Adam Lambert’s stunning American Idol defeat last week has forced America to face up to some serious questions. Questions like ‘Was Kris Allen’s victory a sign of institutionalised homophobia in America?’, ‘Really? It was? Do any of you even know how the music industry works?’ and ‘Does it even matter anyway? It’s not as if we’re ever going to hear another peep from either of them ever again, is it?’

But just because he ended up flaming out of American Idol at the last hurdle, the tremendous – some might say froth-mouthed and utterly terrifying – support that Adam Lambert has gained along his journey can only help his chances of achieving the success he so obviously craves. Especially since one of his supporters is none other than Brian May from Queen.

That’s RIGHT! Brian May LIKES ADAM LAMBERT! And he’s in QUEEN! And Queen are 1) all about annoyingly over-theatrical songs, 2) at their best when fronted by a berserk egomaniac and 3) completely unable to recognise when they should quit. And ADAM LAMBERT IS ALL OF THOSE THINGS! ADAM LAMBERT IS GOING TO BE QUEEN’S NEW SINGER! SQUEEEEE!!!

Except, wait, no. Just because a moron on the internet said that they’d quite like it if Adam Lambert became the new Queen singer, it doesn’t mean that it’s true. In fact, Brian May says he hasn’t even spoken to Adam Lambert about the possibility of it becoming true, as he told Rolling Stone:

“Amongst all that furor, there wasn’t really a quiet moment to talk. But [drummer Roger Taylor] and I are definitely hoping to have a meaningful conversation with him at some point. It’s not like we, as Queen, would rush into coalescing with another singer just like that. It isn’t that easy. But I’d certainly like to work with Adam. That is one amazing instrument he has there.”

So who knows? It might work out. After all, Adam Lambert and Queen share the same flair for grating flamboyance, and Adam’s certainly got the range to sing all of Queen’s greatest hits, like the one about seeing a little silhouetto of a man, or the one about bicycles, or the one about dying of AIDS. So it might work out.

Or, alternatively, maybe Queen realise that without even Paul Rogers to prop up their creaky old nostalgic karaoke machine, the only chance they have of selling concert tickets is to rope in whoever happens to be popular on YouTube at any given moment. And that might work out, too, until Adam Lambert gets sacked after a fortnight so that Susan Boyle can have a go. And then Keyboard Cat. And then, if there’s any justice in the world, this chap.

Which we’d be more than OK with, by the way.

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