Hear that sound? That’s the sound of a million 14-year-old boys crying into their pile of crusty tissues.

Megan Fox is married. According to reports, Megan Fox secretly got married to Brian Austin Green in Hawaii last week. We’re not sure why, but maybe Megan Fox wanted to get married to celebrate the release of her latest film Jonah Hex. Which would be perfect, really, because who wouldn’t want to be reminded of monumental, all-consuming failure every time they look at their wedding ring?

Still, one thing’s for sure – Megan Fox is off the market. Teenage boys, we hate to break this to you, but you’re just going to have to find another dead-eyed robot girlfriend to masturbate to. Sorry.

It goes without saying that Brian Austin Green is the love of Megan Fox’s life. Always has been and always will be. Well, you know, apart from the gaping 15-month chasm between the time that Megan Fox realised that she didn’t love Brian Austin Green and the time when she begrudgingly took him back a little while ago.

But forget all that, because Megan Fox has just got married to Brian Austin Green in Hawaii, and that means that she’ll never be able to leave him again. Never ever. Unless they hire divorce lawyers, of course, but how’s Brian Austin Green going to afford those? Nobody even knows what he does. But we digress. The New York Daily News reports:

The “Transformers” hottie quietly exchanged marriage vows with her long-time beau, actor Brian Austin Green, in a secret ceremony in Hawaii late last week. “They had a fairly large wedding, but there were clearly more security people than guests,” a source told Star magazine. “It was very hush hush. Everyone was sworn to secrecy.”

We know what you’re thinking. You’re remembering that, during her time apart from Brian Austin Green, Megan Fox told the world that she would never get married because she’s not the marrying type. But now for some reason she is married. Maybe, just maybe, Megan Fox should think about also telling the world that she’ll never play a convincing role in a critically respected and commercially successful film. The way her career’s going at the moment, it couldn’t hurt.

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Megan Fox knows that her appeal lies solely in the fact that she looks exactly like a mid-price inflatable sex doll.

And if, for any reason, she stopped being sexy – or at least stopped looking like a police sketch artist’s representation of what a sexy girl probably looks like, which is more accurate – then Megan Fox’s entire career would wither up and die.

So to help herself out a little, Megan Fox has decided to tell the world that she’s never getting married. Which is a bit of a bummer because Megan Fox has apparently just got engaged again. Whoops.

Despite reports to the contrary, Megan Fox isn’t sexy. She seems so precision engineered to give teenage boys permanent stiffies – she likes cars! She goes to Comic-Con! She once had a lesbian infatuation with a stripper! She has a freakishly elephantine mouth! Her surname could only be more Dickensian if she was called Megan Jollyknockers! – that we’re convinced that Megan Fox will one day unzip her skin and reveal herself t0 be Ashton Kutcher playing a horrific Ed Gein-style prank on the world. When that happens, after Kutcher has been kicked to death by the readership of Maxim magazine out of a collective sense of violent post-masturbatory guilt, it’s really going to take the shine off our day.

But despite being so unattainably perfect that she may as well be a clump of masonry or a tourist map of Antwerp or whatever for all the good it’d actually ever do anyone, people still find themselves invested in Megan Fox’s personal life. Specifically, they’re invested in how single Megan Fox is at the moment.

Because right now, it’s pretty hard to tell. For a while back there, Megan Fox had been engaged to Brian Austin Green, who many of you will recognise as the luckiest anonymous actor in the whole wide world. However, Megan and Brian’s relationship took a knock a couple of months ago when Megan Fox dumped Brian Austin Green and moved out of their house. If that piece of news passed you by, it doesn’t matter – apparently Megan and Brian recently got back together, got engaged again and have started looking for a new house.

And that’s it – Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green will get married and have children and everything will be peachy. Because that tends to be the knock-on consequence of getting engaged, right? Well, apparently not if you’re Megan Fox. Megan has told Extra:

“I’m not going to be married — I’m not the marrying type, and I know what your next question is going to be — you’re going to ask me, ‘Why are you engaged if you’re not the marrying type?’ I am impulsive and I love my boyfriend, but I have no plans of getting married any time soon.”

Why is Megan Fox stalling so much on the marriage issue? It could be that her recent split from Brian Austin Green has made her cautious of commitment. Or it could be that she thinks she’s too young to settle down. Or, who knows, it could be that Megan Fox knows perfectly well that she has all men so firmly in her pocket that if she declared in an interview that her biggest turn-on was the sight of grown men driving a tractor over their own testicles while being attacked in the face by a venomous snake, YouTube would become so overloaded with videos of that exact thing that it’d catch fire and burn down.

On reflection, it’s probably the first one.

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The lady from Transformers has announced that her engagement is over. We suggest all 14-year-old boys take a moment to breathe before reading any further.

Statfacts: 44% of people watching the Transformers movie wanted to run their fingers through Shia LaBeouf‘s beautiful hair. 48% wanted an hour alone with Megan Fox, a cupful of honey and Megan Fox’s four most beautiful girlfriends. The other 8% wanted to become a Decepticon and shoot their history teacher up his bum.

Congratulations, 48%, your dream edges closer to reality.

Megan Fox has about four hundred tattoos, including some pretentious poetry, a dead lady’s face, more pretentious poetry and the name of her fiancee. One of these tattoos is this morning looking around nervously and getting together a hurried resume.

Metaphorically, you understand. At least we hope so, because the thought of tattoos with moving eyes and the ability to type is even creepier than Michael Jackson’s collection of self-reverential art.

Anyway, point is this: Megan Fox has dumped her fiancee, which at least means she can now focus all of her energies into crafting a really intricate and moving depiction of the struggle between mankind and machine which may actually be how life on this planet one day ends. Or, you know, stand around screaming while some cars get blown up. It’ll be that one, won’t it?

After being engaged for more than two years, the would-be Lara Croft and will-be Mikaela Banes has decided she’s had enough of Brian Austin Green hanging round, feeding off her fame and not taking the bins out when he said he was going to. So she’s dumped the poor spod. An insider tells Us magazine:

The relationship had run its course. It’s completely amicable and they are remaining friends. They are now both focusing on their careers.

Well that’s fine for you Megan Fox, with your contract to a successful movie franchise and your stripper girlfriends, but what about Brian Thingy Something? He’s already hit the highpoint of his career, and that was playing the guy who stuffed Screech into a locker on Saved By The Bell, The College Years.

Remember when you used to go round to his parents house with him and they would ask you who the young chap was you’d brought with you? That is his life from now on.

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