Hear that sound? That’s the sound of a million 14-year-old boys crying into their pile of crusty tissues.
Megan Fox is married. According to reports, Megan Fox secretly got married to Brian Austin Green in Hawaii last week. We’re not sure why, but maybe Megan Fox wanted to get married to celebrate the release of her latest film Jonah Hex. Which would be perfect, really, because who wouldn’t want to be reminded of monumental, all-consuming failure every time they look at their wedding ring?
Still, one thing’s for sure – Megan Fox is off the market. Teenage boys, we hate to break this to you, but you’re just going to have to find another dead-eyed robot girlfriend to masturbate to. Sorry.
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Megan Fox knows that her appeal lies solely in the fact that she looks exactly like a mid-price inflatable sex doll.
And if, for any reason, she stopped being sexy – or at least stopped looking like a police sketch artist’s representation of what a sexy girl probably looks like, which is more accurate – then Megan Fox’s entire career would wither up and die.
So to help herself out a little, Megan Fox has decided to tell the world that she’s never getting married. Which is a bit of a bummer because Megan Fox has apparently just got engaged again. Whoops.
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The lady from Transformers has announced that her engagement is over. We suggest all 14-year-old boys take a moment to breathe before reading any further.
Statfacts: 44% of people watching the Transformers movie wanted to run their fingers through Shia LaBeouf‘s beautiful hair. 48% wanted an hour alone with Megan Fox, a cupful of honey and Megan Fox’s four most beautiful girlfriends. The other 8% wanted to become a Decepticon and shoot their history teacher up his bum.
Congratulations, 48%, your dream edges closer to reality.
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Hear that sound? That’s the sound of a million 14-year-old boys crying into their pile of crusty tissues.
