Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Kate Upton is trying to become a “serious” actress.? She hopes to achieve this?by playing a ditzy dumb ass blonde because that’s exactly the kind of roles that have made Meryl Streep who she is, and everyone knows a good actress always allows herself to be type-casted.
Now she has decided to take it up a notch in her quest for respect and is shit talking the 2 things that have made her famous.? And I am not talking about her brains and talent.
Ladies and Gentlemen, there is one rule that is to be strictly adhered to by the breakfast news watching masses. Susanna Reid?s breasts are not to be criticised, for they have done nothing wrong.
Reid has recently been criticised for showing too much cleavage whilst presenting flagship morning show, BBC Breakfast. Many an hour has been spent by perverted men nationwide staring down at her chest instead of up at her face where important facts are delivered directly to camera in an ever so playful manor.
The Buxom Breakfast host is to take over as the show?s main presenter, following its move from London to the BBC?s Media City studios in Salford, which we've reliably been informed lies somewhere outside of the M25.
Remember Tori Spelling? Her dad was a powerful TV man way back when (Love Boat and more) and magically, she ended up with a job on the original Beverley Hills 90210 and… uh… that’s about it.
Now we’ve proved she’s famous enough to talk about (ahem), would you like to see her breasts?
Ah. Ears pricked up now, huh? Well, over the jump, you’ll get to see (we’d better say ‘allegedly’ here) busters and, well, it’s not exactly in the manner which we’re all accustomed to. Get over the jump and see for yourself. Oh. And ‘salami’. Keep that in mind.
Here at hecklerspray we love to get involved in the great big sexism debate that rears its head every time Editor Mof slaps one of the female writers on the arse and tells them that they’re doing a great job “for a bird”. After that, the ensuing three day wildcat strike by our female staff will come to an end and everything will return to normal. Until next week.
It will come as no surprise to many of our readers that things don’t actually go that way at all and that it is the male writers who live in fear of their colleagues sexually harassing them while belting out ‘Swagger Jagger’ by Cher Lloyd at the tops of their voices. We don’t dare call it caterwauling because they can and will slash our faces.
The hecklerspray bedsit is a liberated feminist zone… of fear.
Nicki Minaj got everyone outraged when her left nipple leapt up and freed itself from the shackles of her clothing on Good Morning America. And now, former Destiny Child Kelly Rowland has joined the nipple slip club.
That’s right. Her boobs have popped out.
During a routine at a concert in West Orange, New Jersey, Rowland’s top – which was already pretty revealing (showing off some serious underboob) – rode up and unveiled her breasticles for everyone to see. And yes, you can gawp at them over the jump.
Denise Richards is a woman created by teenage boy’s minds. That’s exactly why Charlie Sheen shacked up with her. And of course, what with Richards being the world’s greatest wit, she has a lot to say about her appearance.
Basically, she’d like to make the arrested developed among you excited by talking about her boobies and the fact she was a lesbian briefly.
Next, she’ll be talking about how much she likes playing video games and having sex with jobless layabouts with bad acne who live off 10p crisps.
The lies with which Heidi Montag is filled are the softest known to man. So, when you give her a squeeze, you can’t tell she’s fake. Realising that her star has lost its luster, Heidi has taken to flat-out embellishing about her disfigured form in order to remain in the media. And, because we’re a giving bunch, we’re going to oblige my mocking her.
Heidi hasn’t been in the news much, for the better part of a year. The last thing she really did was mutilate herself, of her own free will, on the operating table, while bemused photographers from an American magazine watched on. Pretty much, that was the last thing she did, except fake a divorce and fake the release of a sex tape, to keep herself in the tabloids.
It’s a pretty sad state of affairs that that’s what it takes to remain on television. At least the Kardashians were willing to take one in the eye for the team and be a little more open about their lack of talent. It’s the smoke, mirrors and subterfuge that’s bothersome with Heidi.
Since Christina Aguilera flubbed the American National anthem at the Super Bowl, starred in the impressively eventless Burlesque and got arrested for being more drunk than Oliver Reed’s liver, she’s not been too much fun.
In fact, she’s been something of a bore. Instead of properly going off the rails, she’s turned into a little walking book of calm, sounding for all the world like a quack that appears on Geraldo or something.
And so, despite the fact we’ve all seen her boobs in Those ‘Leaked’ Naked Photos, Xtina decided to be incredibly serious and overwrought about the fact her tatas nearly fell out of her dress, repeatedly, while appearing on the show, The Voice.?
What’s the best way of getting pointless rags like us to write about you? Create a dazzling work of art? Nope. Try again. Deliver a devastating performance which will change the way people regard the noble art of acting? Don’t be stupid. The best way to get noticed by us is either to go mental, take loads of drugs or getting your baps out.
Seeing as Kim Kardashian is currently of no fixed talent and doesn’t seem to have a penchant for hallucinogenic drugs, she’ll have to rely on her breast region.
And she’s lived down to expectation by getting them about underneath a see-through top, just so we can all sneer at her and secretly keep staring at them while fiddling with our bits.
