And Angelina Jolie was a busy woman to begin with anyway – deliberately enraging Jennifer Aniston can be a full-time job, you know – so rather than keep juggling everything until she keeled over exhausted, Angelina Jolie has chosen to make a few sacrifices.

In short, Angelina Jolie has decided to stop breastfeeding her two new twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline because giving milk to two babies at once is apparently incredibly hard. We should point out that Angelina Jolie isn’t a bad mother for not breastfeeding her kids – in fact, we think they’ll grow up just fine on their new diet of Mountain Dew and uncooked beef cartilage. It certainly never did us any harm.

No wonder Angelina Jolie looks so drawn and tired these days – it seems like if she wants anything done right she has to do it herself. Like furthering the Jolie-Pitt brand, for example. This week Angelina Jolie had chosen to have a break and let Brad Pitt go on TV to stoke up some deliberately controversial headlines about them, and what’s the best he could come up with?

That one of his daughters likes to be called John. That’s rubbish. Angelina Jolie goes out, busting a gut by threatening to quit acting or talking about her infant son’s knife fetish, and that’s all you can think of? Really Brad, would it kill you to admit that you never loved Jennifer Aniston? Huh? Or make up a story about how Pax Thien likes to blow up cows with a bazooka? Huh? These headlines won’t write themselves, you know.

So Angelina Jolie has decided to take things back into her own hands by telling the world that, after three months of trying, she can’t be arsed to breastfeed her newborn baby twins any more. According to the San Francisco Chronicle:

The actress admits she had to stop feeding newborns Knox and Vivienne after three months because she was exhausted. Jolie told GMTV, “It was about as much as I could do. There’s this football hold — it’s a lot harder than it looks in the books. I did that a few times. I would take turns. It just takes a long time.”

Look, Angelina, it’s OK. Nobody thinks you’re a bad mother for not breastfeeding your children. Just admit that the whole football hold thing was a lie and that you stopped breastfeeding out of spite because neither Knox Leon or Vivienne Marcheline made the 10 Hottest Tots list yesterday and we’ll forgive you.

It’s not Angelina Jolie’s fault that breastfeeding became too hard for her – she’s got so many children that she’d need to be caged up and fed a continuous diet of grass like a industrially-farmed cow to produce enough milk to feed them all, and if she did that then she’d never have the time to make films like Wanted or Changeling. Which, actually, we’d be alright with.

Besides, if Angelina Jolie had breastfed the twins in front of her adopted kids, it would have only angered and confused them. And the last thing that anybody wants is to wake up in the middle of the night to find a six-year-old Cambodian kid biting on one of your tits, right?

And anyway, it’s not as if Angelina Jolie didn’t give breastfeeding a go. We’ve all seen the magazine cover of Angelina Jolie breastfeeding her twins, haven’t we? And thanks to that cover Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline will now get to grow up getting all the humiliation of being publicly breastfed, but without having to consume any of those boring old nutrients. Everyone’s happy.

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That should be applauded – it’s easy to forget that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are real people. As such they need to protect their privacy with as much vigour as they possibly muster. There are some things that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have to keep for themselves, and we should respect that.

Unless, you know, Angelina Jolie’s got a new film coming out, in which case it’s perfectly OK for Brad Pitt to take a picture of her with a baby’s mouth clamped around the end of her boob and then sell it to W magazine for cash as a covershot. That’s right kids – those Angelina Jolie breastfeeding photos you’ve been anticipating with equal horror and arousal are finally here.

For a couple so entrenched in their own desperate need for privacy that they’ll either call the secret service or get you beaten up if you stray too close to either of them, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have made some real schoolboy errors when it comes to protecting themselves lately.

Firstly, it was revealed that Angelina Jolie’s arm has been tattooed with the birth coordinates of all her children – letting all the world’s stalkers know that a game of Baby Treasure Hunt is just one grisly non-consensual amputation away – and now Angelina Jolie has decided to pose for the most unprivate photos possible without someone hiring an endoscope first. That’s right – it’s Angelina Jolie breastfeeding.

On the cover of this month’s W magazine, Angelina Jolie can be seen with her top pulled down and a tiny hand partly obscuring her breast. We’re assuming she’s breastfeeding one of her new twins, anyway – there’s an equal chance that the photos are a document of Angelina Jolie trying to revive Jeremy Beadle’s dead body by shoving her tit in his face.

Actually, the Angelina Jolie breastfeeding photos are kind of tasteful – which is a profound disappointment to anyone hoping they’d involve Angelina spinning round on a plinth squirting warm jets of milk out of her nipples into the open mouths of all her children sitting in a circle beneath her – and breastfeeding activists have welcomed the photos with the open arms and milky stains leaking through their T-shirt that you’d expect from them, as AP reports:

“Breast-feeding in public reveals a whole lot less than what has been revealed on the red carpet. … I think we do need more role models like Angelina Jolie willing to be photographed and say, `Hey look, it can be done, it oughta be done,’” said La Leche spokeswoman Jane Crouse.

Of course, it’s wonderful that Angelina Jolie is breastfeeding her new twins. Breastfed children have less risk of developing childhood leukaemia, insulin-dependent diabetes and respiratory infections, plus breastfeeding has shown to improve a child’s neurological development. That is unless your mum decides to take a photo of you gobbing all over one of her tits for the cover of a magazine, because long-term that’s probably an expressroute to you being sort of neurologically effed.

Also, we’re not exactly sure how these Angelina Jolie breastfeeding pictures will affect the ongoing biological/adopted Jolie-Pitt civil war? Will the adopted children be jealous of Vivienne and Knox because they never got to suckle on Angelina Jolie’s teat? Will the twins be jealous of the adopted children because they won’t have widely-published breastfeeding photos come back to haunt them at school, ultimately leading to them gaining the unshakable nicknames Tittysuck and Boobychew? It’s hard to tell.

Still, Angelina Jolie’s breastfeeding shots have taught us all an important lesson here – that Angelina Jolie’s got a film coming out soon, and that she really wants you to go and see it.

Because, apparently, somebody actually thinks that. There’s currently a huge investigation going on in America after a photo of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding with a boob exposed was apparently copied several times with the intention to post them onto the internet or sell them for profit. And since Jamie Lynn Spears is under the age of 18, the thief could technically be hauled up on a pornography charge.

We think we should probably point out at this juncture that the allegedly stolen photo is of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding her baby, and not of Jamie Lynn Spears being breastfed by her own mother. We know that Jamie Lynn Spears is only young, but that’s no excuse for weirdness.

You know what gives us the horn? Pictures of sexually-irresponsible teenagers having their knockers chewed on by babies. Phwoar.

Of course, we’re joking. If we had to make a list of all the sexiest things in the world, that scenario we just described would be right near the bottom, sandwiched right between ‘your nan doing a striptease to Push It by Salt-N-Pepa‘ and ‘1950s production line videos about minced beef’. But it sounds as if there’s one stone-cold lunatic in the world that does find the idea of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding sexy and, worse still, they think that others might as well.

You see, when she’s not writing notes that make her mother cry or failing to be empathetic towards other sexually-clumsy teenagers, Jamie Lynn Spears has a baby to raise. And, as everybody knows, part of raising a baby as its mother involves jabbing your tit in its mouth from time to time to stop it crying.

And, of course, part of raising a baby as its father involves taking photos of the mother with her tit out, even though you’re basically mugging her of her precious dignity, and then getting the photo printed at Wal-Mart fully aware that several other people will see your teenage girlfriend’s breast in the process and possibly make copies of that breast and try to illegally distribute it for fun and/or profit.

In that case, Jamie Lynn Spears’ boyfriend Casey Aldridge is doing a bang-up job, because a photo of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding that was taken on his camera and printed at a local Wal-Mart could have been duplicated several times by an employee, sparking a federal pornography investigation. The Sun reports:

Casey took a memory card of 12 family pictures to be developed at his local Wal-Mart in Louisiana. In the offending snap, Jamie Lynn’s left breast is exposed as she feeds daughter Maddie. Because she is under 18, selling the pictures, or buying them, could constitute a violation of federal laws prohibiting pornography – even though they weren’t taken for sexual purposes.

Whoever allegedly made copies of these Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding photos must be terrified at the moment – going to jail is bad enough, but going to jail because you got aroused by the sight of 17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears’ dribbly tit, and knowing that you’ll have to use the phrase ‘Jamie Lynn Spears’ dribbly tit’ when explaining your gap in employment during all future job interviews, is bound to put the fear of God into you.

But this story isn’t anywhere near as bad as it seems. For instance, Jamie Lynn Spears hasn’t lost the photo of her breastfeeding her baby, she just mistaken allowed it to possibly be copied by someone. And, so long as she still has the original photo, and therefore still has something to show her baby’s appalled friends in years to come, all’s not lost.