So dull that even air has been known to ignore and stagnate around him, Robert Pattison is the most baffling superstar ever generated by the various casting couches of Hollywood.

He’s so forgettable that we can’t think of a suitable ending to this sentence.

And now, to add to his impressively tedious acting résumé, he’s going to pollute the world of music with an awful album of his music, created with his sister Lizzy, who sometimes has to be reminded of her extremely famous, but ultimately stiflingly dull brother.

Pattinson, often so criminally boring that his meal decompose in tedium when they’re served to his famous face, started piano lessons when he was three. Apparently, he’s developed an unusual technique on the ol’ ivories as, thanks to Pattz being a thorough charm-vacuum, he’s never played the black keys on a piano because they all saunter off when he approaches them.

And now, along with big sister Lizzy (who performed backing vocals in Twilight), he’s making some album or other… not that anyone buys albums these days.

Should Pattinson’s LP make it to the shops, the very shelves which promote them will probably fall asleep.

Some warty-div who knows him or something, told the Express:

‘Rob has always been so supportive of Lizzy’

‘They’re really close, so it’s nice they are working together.

Dull.

‘He’ll always turn up at her gigs if he’s around, but he’s seriously talented in his own right.’

It’s been written elsewhere that, when Robert was younger, Lizzy found him so unswervingly beige that she used to dress him up as a girl and call him Claudia.

THAT is how boring R-Pattz is.

Robert Pattinson may well be so dull that sometimes, even light itself rejects his presence and that, granted, he’s so riddled with tedium that sometimes his heart forgets to pump his boring blood around his lifeless body…

…but he still manages to pop his doo-dah into the girls. Mystifying.

Of course, everyone has been muttering about Pattz and Kristen Stewart getting it on because, quite clearly, they’re a couple. However, rumour has it that Rob has been flinging his grey peen up the front garden of Twillighter Nikki Reed too! Oh the unbearable horror of it all!

That’s right. Pattinson, who you berks all love so unswervingly that you really should – at some point at least – recognise that there are real life people stood around you all the time who you might want to interact with, may not be the nice boy you thought he was.

The source claims:

[Nikki and Kristen] can’t stand each other,. They don’t even talk anymore. Kristen has never forgiven Nikkie for the fling she had with [her boyfriend Robert Pattinson]. Kristen never confronted Rob about the affair, she just put the blame on Nikki and accused her of pursuing him.

Yeah. That won’t harbour resentment and mistrust will it?

Nikki’s the most down-to-earth actress you’ll ever meet. Kristen acts like she can’t be bothered with fame, yet she lives for all the press about her and Rob. Nikki is very vocal about Kris not being appreciative of her success. Nikki is not one to censor herself to avoid confrontation, and Kristen does not like that.

Of course, bozo Twilighteers won’t believe a word of this and take straight to their badly spelled Twitter accounts to chide Nikki Reed and call her all manner of slut and slag while the world trundles on, completely obvious to these exceedingly boring individuals.

Amazing scenes.

Vacant bundle of grinning sinew, Taylor Lautner, is going to be immortalised in wax at Madame Tussauds. Cue: WE CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE WAXWORK DUMMY AND THE THING THAT STARRED IN ALL THOSE TWILIGHT FILMS comment.

In all seriousness, there will be very little to differentiate between the wax Lautner and the real one.

Look at him. He’s barely human as it is. He’s just a flickering heart and dormant brain set amongst a tower of resin moulded muscles. He’s the closest thing we’ve got to a walking, talking, livin’ sex-doll for depressed, horny fortysomethings.

That said, if you’re one of the legions of shrieking Twihards who look to be graduating from the first throes of masturbating over your Twilight ring-binder, looking toward something you can hump for real without getting anyone arrested for statutory rape, then this waxwork is just the thing!

However, like the depressing chastity of the Twilight films, you’ll have to wait a little while (feel free to scream I WILL WAIT FOR YOU UNTIL THE END OF TIME TAYLOR! at the top of your lungs, if you like).

Lautner’s more-real dummy will be unveiled to the pinging of hundreds of training bras at Madame Tussauds in January.

This all comes on the back of Taylor got his hands and feet set in cement on the Hollywood Walk of Fame alongside Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart.

Alas, concerning the latter, they were so gaspingly tedious that the cement didn’t even part as they put their hands in, too bored to even obey the laws of physics.

Either way, when Taylor’s star wanes, they can just cover it in glue and roll it around the floor of a barber shop until Tussauds end up with a lifelike Chewbacca dummy.

Master of snoozemonies (sorry) Robert Pattinson has said that he would lay down his life if it meant saving the ones he loved. The news comes as hundreds of sharpened spears were found at the home of anti-Twilight campaigner Allan Thorneyflat.

The star of Twilight and forgettable footnote in the Harry Potter series claimed during a TV interview that if it came down to it, he would know what to do prompting thousands of Twihards to question whether Pattinson’s life was really worth all that bother. Here at hecklerspray, we know the consequences of wishing death on someone and in Pattinson’s case, we really, really don’t.

Why?

That’s simple. We have it on good authority that if Robert Pattinson died and was interred in a standard casket in a standard grave (dug to a depth of 7 feet), by the time putrifaction set in his essence would have already killed 90% of the indigenous tree populace in the immediate vicinity. It is projected that by the time his body fully decayed, 86% of the world’s trees would have wilted and died out of sheer boredom.

We don’t want that.

Anyway, the hopefully invincible 25-year-old admitted to Danish TV that he was a chivalrous young man when it came to romance. Speaking from inside an impressive, gilted suit of armour, Pattinson said;

“I think if you love anyone, you kind of feel like that. If you’re in love with anyone, I think the majority of people would say, ‘If I have to die for this person, I will.’”

He won’t if it’s unnecessary though. We imagine that he has a chart of possible outcomes that he keeps close at hand every time he leaves the house. We’ve never seen it but we imagine it looks something like this.

• Mugging – Her.
• Bank robbery – Me.
• Twihards charging down the street in force – Police horse.
• Abducted and held for ransom – Pay ransom.
• 160ft Dragon threatening the city and by consequence Kristen – Me.

It’s probably scrawled on the other side of his “to do” list which has had the same item left on it for years.

• Learn to act.

It has to be real love though. Pattinson believes that you can only truly know you love someone when you’re faced with a straight choice between their death and yours. He added in his droning, monotonous timbre;

“I mean, you don’t really love someone if you’re like, ‘No. Just let them die’.”

That could get really, really awkward. Want to know if Robert Pattinson really loves Kristen Stewart? You know what you have to do. Allan Thorneyflat can’t do it. He’s in jail.

Robert Pattinson is crashingly dull. He’s so dull that rain water has been known to hurl itself into furnaces in a bid to escape his terrific tedium. Rumour has it that R-Pattz is so boring that his blood clots into scabs while still in his veins everytime he wakes.

Once, it has been said, Robert Pattinson made an ocean curdle just by absently staring at it. He’s that yawnsome. Someone told us that a field tried to vomit itself to death while Pattinson was stood nearby.

And would you believe it, he’s actually realised that, once the Twilight saga ends, he could well be without a career as everyone is very likely to forget he exists.

Rob compared the Twilight movie series to a “safety net”, which has so far allowed him to appear in an established series of films without fear of failure.

Not that anyone noticed.

Pattinson told The Observer:

“I had a three- or four-month window between each [Twilight film] during which I could do another job. But whatever I did, I knew that I’d have another Twilight movie on the way, which is theoretically guaranteed to make a lot of money. So I could always afford to fail.”

It’s rumoured that the Observer scribe tasked with speaking to Pattinson passed out through fatigue and died. Just died. Right there in front of Robert Pattinson.

A second writer was drafted in to catch Rob saying:

“If I do decide one day to stop acting, I just hate the idea of people going: ‘Oh, did you ever do anything else besides that Twilight thing?’”

The second writer also ended their life because the clawing suffocation of Pattz beigery enveloped their entire being ’til their lungs just refused to work anymore.

Breaking Dawn – Part 1 is released in cinemas from November 18 WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY AMAZING.

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Are we about to enter a glorious period in human history where we actually find out who Kristen Stewart has been swapping bodily fluids with?! Even though we all assumed it was Robert Pattinson?!

HAVE YOU MANAGED TO STAY AWAKE?

For those now propping their eyelids up with matchsticks, you’ll be fizzing at the gusset to learn that Twilight Kristew (we still do this abbreviating thing don’t we?) has finally admitted something to us after years of being to dull to listen to! She’s FINALLY revealed: “My boyfriend is English.”

Oh god! We can barely take it!

See, despite the fact that everyone (well, anyone stupid enough to show the vaguest of interest in this criminally tedious duo) already assumes that they’re an item, there’s still some press interest on the whole official relationship status.

Hasn’t anyone checked their Facebook profiles?

Of course, to make them have a trace of interest (seriously, these two are as thrilling as mop buckets) Rob and Kristen have never admitted that they are more than just friends. We say they’ve never admitted anything, but they may have, but everyone keeps falling asleep in their presence.

However, one plucky scribes who works for esteemed tome, Glamour Magazine, managed to stay concious and capture Kristen saying:

“So much of my life is so easily Googled.”

“I mean, it’s like, ‘C’mon guys. It’s so obvious.’ But this subject, I don’t think you realise what a big deal it is for people. Well, it is a big deal. And right now, even me talking about it like this is a big deal. They would be, ‘Oh. My. God.’ There would also still be a 50/50 split. Some people would still be, ‘See, told you they’re not together.’”

“I don’t worry about it at all. It’s just one of those things. I’m selfish. I’m like, ‘That’s mine!’ And I like to keep whatever is mine remaining that way. It’s a funny little game to play and it’s a slippery slope. I always say to myself I’m never going to give anything away because there’s never any point or benefit for me.”

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

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What’s worse than faux-broody simpering glittercock vampires? Bruno Mars, that’s what. He’s far, far worse. He’s magnolia emulsion personified. He’s about four inches tall with three feet of hair and has answered the question nobody wanted answering: Who is the next Jack Johnson?

And thanks to fate being more cruel than a clone army of Mugabes, somehow both of these shuddering worlds of colostomy have collided.

That’s right – the Twilight Breaking Dawn (Part 1) soundtrack will be lead by Bruno Mars, complete with put on emoting and grotesque politeness, thinly masking his ghoulish contempt for the earholes of the world.

Mars will be singing a song called ‘It Will Rain’, which is a great artistic statement you’ll inevitably agree. Bruno Mars may not be able to do a thing about the rain itself, but he has an umbrella… an umbrella that he’ll invariably try and tap off with you beneath.

It doesn’t stop there either.

The Joy Formidible, The Noisettes and Iron & Wine will be submitting tracks to the chastityflick. In the case of the latter, we’ll get to hear music so limp that it can barely form a sound at all, thanks to being so very, very earnest and shy.

Hateful, hateful stuff.

If you’re stupid enough to buy the deluxe version of the soundtrack, your ears will be treated to a song by the spiteful Hard-Fi too.

Meanwhile, the spineless of the world will all huddle ’round each other and cry into each other’s laps as they’re overcome with the overwrought emotion of it all.

Honestly. Go kill yourselves if you’re not already undead.

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So-boring-that-the-concept-of-time-slows-around-his-tedious-frame Robert Pattinson, is a man loved by those who like to stare into the void. His hollow face exudes an air of nothingness, not seen since we got into a staring competition in a morgue.

Such is Pattz baffling popularity, there’s people who hang on his every yawn. No matter what he does, there’ll be those clambering to get at it and devour it like rabid toddlers with sharpened milk-teeth.

In fact, people are keen to digest things he’s not doing. The latest thing he isn’t doing is a record, and everyone can’t wait to not hear it!

See, there’s been reports flying around with all the vim and vigour of week-old gravy settling in a jug, noting that Pattinson is going to release an album of his music.

Apparently, he was torn between acting badly and singing badly. However, he’d found a window to put together a guitar-based record in the next few weeks, just before he has to do the promotional shift for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1.

And just imagine what his music would sound like. Plodding earnestness over tediously picked acoustic guitars, all offered under the vaguest of mumbles, barely registering into a suicidal microphone.

Alas, Pattinson’s rep was on-hand to deliver the good news:

“The report is untrue. He is not working on an album right now.”

Right now? JESUS! That means that the whole thing isn’t being ruled out!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are not merely boring people… they’re also pretty lousy actors too! And the new Twilight: Breaking Dawn trailer is here to showcase just that!

Like a teenage drama group trying to perform some heaving bosomed period drama with all the subtlety of a condom jammed up your nostril, there’s a lot of brooding going down.

Shall we gawp at it?

You may already know that this new film sees the marriage of Stewart’s Bella and Pattinson’s Edward. You can probably guess that Lautner takes his shirt off at everyone given moment too.

And you’ve probably assumed that there will be vampires kicking werewolf gangs in the face in some weird woodland homoeroticism.

Did you know about Edward and Bella having a half-vampire/half-human baby?

Is the film trying to create a character that’s as lifeless and tedious as Robert Pattinson is in real life?

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Look! LOOK! Look at the faces of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart! Stare at them. Try and force the image to stay in your mind. You can’t, can you? You’ve forgotten what they look like already, even though you’re still staring at them!

Jesus H. Balls, these people are dull. They’re criminally dull. They’re so dull that they could have sex in the street and everyone would mistake them for a sleeping policeman.

Want proof? Robert Pattinson has taken Kristen Stewart on a date. A date in Barnes in Surrey. To a cafe. What a wretchedly tedious couple they are.

See, most famous people do outlandish things to keep us plebians entertained. They fly helicopters under bridges and have sex on beds covered in cocaine and rose petals. They make these grand gestures because they’re bored of their own wealth, enabling us to look on aghast and agog.

However, RPattz and Kristew are as thrilling as an ad-break on QVC. They’ve got all the vim and vigour of a sleeping chestnut.

The most thrilling news from this gaspingly despairing duo is that Pattinson decided to go back to Barnes where he grew up and point at things, saying ‘I used to stand there. Sometimes for a whole hour’ and ‘I knew someone who nearly went into that newsagents.’

Apparently, they donned disguises (yeah right – they obviously blended in with the uninspiring backdrop just fine) to go to see his old primary school.

Amazing.

One onlooker, who vaguely recalls someone hanging around, said:

“Rob wanted to show Kristen everything about where he’d grown up.

“He even took her to the local cafe where he used to hang out and his old boozer.”

Next week: Pattinson slowly looks up from a fork of unflavoured noodles and nearly says something about the temperature of them before lowering his head and quietly blowing on them while Kristen Stewart stands motionlessly by the window

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Robert Pattinson. A man so boring that he can stare at a bag of peanuts and they’ll wither into Sun-Pat before his lifeless eyes. A man so criminally dull that air turns stagnant when he wakes up in the morning.

And so, in a bid to show us that he has some personality, he’s gone and done a good deed.

While in Los Angeles – the town where even the roads are made out of a silicon – R-Patz bought a tramp an acoustic guitar, leaving the tramp glaring at this hollow figure thinking ‘money, food or Special Brew would’ve been nice, you ingrate.’

It appears that the Twilight star noticed that a homeless man didn’t have a guitar. Everyone else walking by noticed the more pressing issue of the vagrant not having a house either, but hey ho.

And so, ever thoughtful, Rob went to a nearby music store and bought a red electric guitar. Realising that the homeless man didn’t have an amp, or indeed, any plug sockets in which to power the thing, he went back and bought an acoustic.

Holidaymakers Luke Jones and girlfriend Kirsty Rowlands recognised Pattinson and said:

“Robert quickly went back to his car and drove off. The busker was totally shell-shocked. He had no idea who Robert was – I think he thought the guitar was stolen.”

Of course, the vagrant in question can only remember the guitar. It is rumoured that he found Pattinson so terminally boring that he daydreamed that the guitar simply presented itself to him, floating on some particularly unremarkable air which may or may not have had the whiff of chastity vampire about it.

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Oooh! Wedding dresses! They’re amazing aren’t they! The average woman will buy three in her lifetime, tying the knot with men who are wise enough to hire something and give it back without forking out all that hard-earned money (which of course, they’ll spend on their mistresses).

And the wedding that real saps are aching for is the pretend one that will take place in the next Twilight film! It’s going to be amazing seeing two lifeless turds being joined in some unholy matrimony.

But what about the dress? What does a corpse bride wear? In the case of Kristen Stewart’s character in Breaking Dawn, she’ll be sporting a Carolina Herrera gown, which probably means something to the terminally single who compile worrying dream-wedding scrapbooks. AND YOU CAN WEAR A CORPSE WEDDING DRESS TOO!

When Breaking Dawn, Part One is released on November 18th, you divs will be able to buy an exact copy of the ‘Edwardian-inspired’ dress.

Edwardian, in this case, could mean that it is shaped exactly like Edward Woodward.

Some prick called Alfred Angelo will be exclusively selling the official replica dress in his stupid Signature shops in the USofA and whichever cynical independents stock it in Europe, enabling you to dress up like Bella Swan while you cry, alone, in your grotty house covered in Robert Pattinson posters.

Don’t worry. You can have a honeymoon with the glittery Twilight vibrator which someone made a while back, which you pop in the fridge before using so you can really know what necrophilia feels like.

Your life is just fantastic.

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Look. Look at Robert Pattinson. Jesus Christ. How boring can a human be? He’s so terminally dull that light often refuses to reflect off him, leaving him a walking shadow, slowly chewing sandwiches that contain nothing more than margarine and tedium.

And so, it comes as little surprise that he hasn’t been chosen to rock ‘n’ roll corpse, Jeff Buckley in a biopic about his life.

It is very likely that casting types repeatedly fell asleep when reading Pattz’ CV, smacking their heads on the desk so often that they’re all now in a special Pattinson Coma Ward in a Los Angeles hospital.

Apparently, someone found a bit of paper saying that the Twilight hunk-piece really, really wanted to play Jeff Buckley, but Robert’s handwriting is also crashingly boring, leaving those who read it feeling like they’ve already died. It was only when someone read a half written text message concerning this information did this fact get out.

Instead, producers gave the gig to relative unknown, Reeve Carney, simply because they could remember him at all.

Buckley’s mother and executive producer for the movie, Mary Guibert, confirmed:

“We are over the moon that Reeve has agreed to take on this challenging role.”

“He’s been getting ready for this all his life. It certainly doesn’t hurt that he looks so much like Jeff.”

Reeve, of course, played Spiderman/Peter Parker in the Broadway production of Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark. This means he’ll have first hand knowledge of people having near-fatal accidents when drawing up inspiration for the drowning scene when Buckley went from being ‘kinda alright’ to ‘legend’.

Meanwhile, Pattinson is standing in for a water cooler in an office in Prestatyn.

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Remember Robert Pattinson? Apart from those of you who become aroused at the very sight of his perfectly square face, chances are, you barely recall him because he’s just so amazingly dull. So dull that no-one has ever heard the end of one of his sentences. Ever.

The only thing of note is that everyone assumes that he’s in a relationship with the also criminally dull Kristen Stewart.

He’s never confirmed or denied this, which has left bleating writers from glossy magazines thrilling about a potential love like it’s the greatest love-story ever told, despite the fact that neither of them have really warranted our interest… and that includes that awful chastity vampire-fest, Twilight.

And now, in a bid to wake us all up from our tedious slumber, R-Pattz has muttered something out of that near-motionless mouth of his that he probably is in a relationship with the also irritatingly nicknamed K-Stew.

During the panel event at Comic-Con, Rob and Kristen cuddled/fell asleep and propped each other up and photographers surrounded them.

At some point, someone noticed that he said:

“Kristen only watches the cooking channel. She has a TV in the make-up trailer.”

Someone then wrote it down on a pad with the addendum of ‘Maybe they’re in a relationship? Find out’.

Alas, when he added:

“Having the cooking channel on all the time in every room.”

…the entire throng slumped to the ground and didn’t wake up for a whole 48 hours. The assembled press were only aroused when someone sent in Ryan Reynolds who irritated them all into being awake again.

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Its a good job that Robert Pattinson is good-looking. He wouldn’t be famous otherwise would he? Here, we have a young man with all the personality of a whisk and the acting prowess of a SCART lead. Yet, time and time again, he’s rumoured to be having it away with some pretty thing behind Kristen Stewart’s back.

This time, the rumours surround someone called Caitlin Cronenberg. She’s the daughter of movie director David Cronenberg, which must be nice for her.

And while this rumour kicks in, a million teenage gussets dampen at the sight of Pattinson covered in goo… all over that oddly assembled face of his… just imagine licking it off. WWWWURRRRRGH! SEXUAL FEELINGS IN OUR LEGS!

Of course, the whole story is complete bunkum. Pattz hasn’t been “cozying up” to Cronenberg’s seed. And while she may look like Kristen Stewart, what with having similarly coloured hair and a kinda similar face (look here if you want), it would appear that this is just an affair in the minds of those who can’t bring themselves to face the crushing banality of Robert Pattinson’s life.

In fact, even the thickest gossip columnist (Hi there! We know you’re reading this because you keep stealing our stories!) wouldn’t be able to justify an affair out of this. That’s because Caitlin is on record – with loads of ‘sources’ backing it up – as being the kind of girl who constantly chunners on about her wonderful, wonderful boyfriend.

This pretty much means that we’ll all have to go back assuming that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are still going steady in a really tedious manner. Naturally, we’ll assume that they’re arguing all the time and sleep in separate beds and whatnot.

It’s only a matter of time before we all club together and start the ‘marriage of convenience’ rumours and start presuming that Pattinson is gay. Which he probably isn’t, mainly thanks to him being utterly sexless.

Still, at least there’s some pictures knocking around of Pattinson covered in pie.

That’s nice isn’t it?

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