Breaking Dawn - HecklerSpray

Twilight: Breaking Dawn 2 Trailer Released (We’re The Same Boring Temperature Now)

March 26th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

OH MY OMG! We can barely contain our gawping tedium at the news that the first footage from the final instalment of the Twilight saga has debuted online! It has Robert Pattinson in saying the least romantic thing in the world in it!

However, this film is all about?Bella who is played by Kristen Stewart.

In this stupid installment, Bella becomes a vampire, which of course, means she gets the chance to do something that all actors aspire to do – stare menacingly at a deer. Click over to watch the trailer.

Oh No! Robert Pattinson To Make Rubbish Music On New Album!

January 3rd, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

So dull that even air has been known to ignore and stagnate around him, Robert Pattison is the most baffling superstar ever generated by the various casting couches of Hollywood.

He’s so forgettable that we can’t think of a suitable ending to this sentence.

And now, to add to his impressively tedious acting r?sum?, he’s going to pollute the world of music with an awful album of his music, created with his sister Lizzy, who sometimes has to be reminded of her extremely famous, but ultimately stiflingly dull brother.

Robert Pattinson Wafting His Glans At Twilight Co-Star That Isn’t Kristen Stewart

December 22nd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Robert Pattinson may well be so dull that sometimes, even light itself rejects his presence and that, granted, he’s so riddled with tedium that sometimes his heart forgets to pump his boring blood around his lifeless body…

…but he still manages to pop his doo-dah into the girls. Mystifying.

Of course, everyone has been muttering about Pattz and Kristen Stewart getting it on because, quite clearly, they’re a couple. However, rumour has it that Rob has been flinging his grey peen up the front garden of Twillighter Nikki Reed too! Oh the unbearable horror of it all!

Taylor Lautner To Be Encased In Wax For Molestation Purposes

December 2nd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Vacant bundle of grinning sinew, Taylor Lautner, is going to be immortalised in wax at Madame Tussauds. Cue: WE CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE WAXWORK DUMMY AND THE THING THAT STARRED IN ALL THOSE TWILIGHT FILMS comment.

In all seriousness, there will be very little to differentiate between the wax Lautner and the real one.

Look at him. He’s barely human as it is. He’s just a flickering heart and dormant brain set amongst a tower of resin moulded muscles. He’s the closest thing we’ve got to a walking, talking, livin’ sex-doll for depressed, horny fortysomethings.

Robert Pattinson Would Bore Himself To Death For Love

November 30th, 2011 By Michael Park

Master of snoozemonies (sorry) Robert Pattinson has said that he would lay down his life if it meant saving the ones he loved. The news comes as hundreds of sharpened spears were found at the home of anti-Twilight campaigner Allan Thorneyflat.

The star of Twilight and forgettable footnote in the Harry Potter series claimed during a TV interview that if it came down to it, he would know what to do prompting thousands of Twihards to question whether Pattinson’s life was really worth all that bother. Here at hecklerspray, we know the consequences of wishing death on someone and in Pattinson’s case, we really, really don’t.

Why?

Boring Robert Pattinson Is Worried His Rubbish Career Will Be Over When Awful Twilight Ends

November 10th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Robert Pattinson is crashingly dull. He’s so dull that rain water has been known to hurl itself into furnaces in a bid to escape his terrific tedium. Rumour has it that R-Pattz is so boring that his blood clots into scabs while still in his veins everytime he wakes.

Once, it has been said, Robert Pattinson made an ocean curdle just by absently staring at it. He’s that yawnsome. Someone told us that a field tried to vomit itself to death while Pattinson was stood nearby.

And would you believe it, he’s actually realised that, once the Twilight saga ends, he could well be without a career as everyone is very likely to forget he exists.

Kristen Stewarts Hints That Her Boyfriend Might Be The Boring As Hell Robert Pattinson

October 5th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Are we about to enter a glorious period in human history where we actually find out who Kristen Stewart has been swapping bodily fluids with?! Even though we all assumed it was Robert Pattinson?!

HAVE YOU MANAGED TO STAY AWAKE?

For those now propping their eyelids up with matchsticks, you’ll be fizzing at the gusset to learn that Twilight Kristew (we still do this abbreviating thing don’t we?) has finally admitted something to us after years of being to dull to listen to! She’s FINALLY revealed: “My boyfriend is English.”

Oh god! We can barely take it!

Bruno Mars To Ensure That Twilight Breaking Dawn Will Be Most Hateful Film Ever Made

September 28th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

What’s worse than faux-broody simpering glittercock vampires? Bruno Mars, that’s what. He’s far, far worse. He’s magnolia emulsion personified. He’s about four inches tall with three feet of hair and has answered the question nobody wanted answering: Who is the next Jack Johnson?

And thanks to fate being more cruel than a clone army of Mugabes, somehow both of these shuddering worlds of colostomy have collided.

That’s right – the Twilight Breaking Dawn (Part 1) soundtrack will be lead by Bruno Mars, complete with put on emoting and grotesque politeness, thinly masking his ghoulish contempt for the earholes of the world.

Robert Pattinson Won’t Be Making Our Ears Endure His Music, Mercifully

September 21st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

So-boring-that-the-concept-of-time-slows-around-his-tedious-frame Robert Pattinson, is a man loved by those who like to stare into the void. His hollow face exudes an air of nothingness, not seen since we got into a staring competition in a morgue.

Such is Pattz baffling popularity, there’s people who hang on his every yawn. No matter what he does, there’ll be those clambering to get at it and devour it like rabid toddlers with sharpened milk-teeth.

In fact, people are keen to digest things he’s not doing. The latest thing he isn’t doing is a record, and everyone can’t wait to not hear it!

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Trailer Is Here! And It’s Really Rather Boring!

September 14th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are not merely boring people… they’re also pretty lousy actors too! And the new Twilight: Breaking Dawn trailer is here to showcase just that!

Like a teenage drama group trying to perform some heaving bosomed period drama with all the subtlety of a condom jammed up your nostril, there’s a lot of brooding going down.

Shall we gawp at it?