Immensely tepid Katie Melua has postponed her tour. Why? Becuase she needed to ‘cool off a bit’. Now, considering that Melua is about as searingly hot as a week old cup of tea, if she cooled down any further, the world would be in serious danger of another ice age.

But alas, Katie has admitted to having ”a bit of a breakdown” after her last turgid album was released. It was suspected that this was brought on by her realising that she possessed one of the blandest talents in human history.

So bland is Melua’s talent that she’s creatively eclipsed by the man who first put those plastic things on the end of shoelaces, or the guy who is paid to type all the names in on football computer games.

Melua said, forcing people to jolt up after nearly nodding off in her presence:

“I had a bit of breakdown. Last year was time to cool off a bit. I think what happened was a culmination of everything that’s gone on over the past seven years. Pretty much.”

And while her criminally musicless fans just can’t wait to get some Melua live action in their almost redundant ears, she’s not especially looking forward to this imminent tour.

“At the moment, I just want to get the tour done. I really felt like I had to do this. It’s a testament to myself to get it over and done with because it was so harrowing having to postpone the gigs last year.”

Harrowing? What, like a concentration camp is harrowing? Or, like rearranging work obligations is ‘irritating’? Either way, at least the notion that her music is impressively disposable is slowly dawning on her.

“I need to realise it’s just a job, and it doesn’t have to eat you alive. Yes, it’s a great position to be in, but it doesn’t mean you have to drive yourself crazy with hard work. I need to just enjoy it a bit more.”

She’s about to tour, the dates are online elsewhere and you shouldn’t care one jot if you have at least one rudimentary ear hole.

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Spring is in the air, those gloomy winter days are behind us for another year and we can look forward to all of the joys that the sunshine brings: flowers blooming, birds singing and, most importantly, BOOBS!

That’s right, it’s the time of year where celebrity clothes disappear at the same rate as clouds.

This week we’ve been treated to many a celebrity disrobing, so we’ll break them down one by one… over the jump you penises.

Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey:

Right, none of us actually care about what Nick Cannon’s love gun looks like, so we’re going to focus on his naked missus, Mariah.

Mimi has decided to strip off for various magazine covers (and some of those classy black and white pictures that apparently don’t count as porn) to show off her pregnancy bump, because that’s beautiful or something.

We here at hecklerspray aren’t as convinced, we’d much rather have seen her in the altogether before she was knocked up, but maybe that’s just us.

Kaley Cuoco:

She’s the one from the Big Bang Theory. When we initially heard that there were pictures of some lass from something called the Big Bang Theory with her knickers down we had pictured something completely different.

But we’ll give Kaley top marks for trying anyway, even if the picture was sold to us under false pretences.

Bridget Moynahan:

Her picture in the annual nude issue of Allure magazine (which is also the source of Kaley Couco, Keri Hilson and Ashley Tisdale’s naturist debuts) is lovely, but if we’re honest we have no idea who she is.

According to Wikipedia she’s some sort of model and actress who used to be married to an American football player.

Well… good for her.

Keri Hilson:

This is another picture from the rather grotty looking pile marked nice but of unknown origins. Hilson is an American R&B singer apparently, but we can’t really vouch for that.

All we can tell you is that we’re glad they went with her for this photo shoot and not Adele, because while Adele’s voice is beautiful you have to admit she has a bit of the Beth Ditto thing going on.

Ashley Tisdale:

Ms. Tisdale is the one from High School Musical who no one really paid attention to because Vanessa Hudgens was more attractive and a better actress/singer (which, when you think about it, says a lot more about Tisdale than it should).

Anywho, even though our Ashley looks good with her arse out, we can’t help but feel that this is just a cheap attempt to get as much attention as Vanessa does whenever she releases nude pics of herself.

The problem is that Vanessa is more willing to go down the hardcore route, which doesn’t leave Ashley with much of chance of being glanced at now, does it?

It might be worth mentioning that these are all professionally shot pictures, so there’s no chance of you gawping at nipples or anything naughty in the pictures (unless we’re talking about Vanessa ‘hardcore’ Hudgens), which is most likely the only reason you read this article anyway.

We probably should have put that at the start of the article. Sorry.

Pervert.

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Katie Holmes may well have finally escaped from the clutches of Tom Cruise, if reports in some glossy yank rag are to be believed.

The Star is reporting that the Tomkat experience is over and no longer a thread to the rest of us with their weird placenta eating ways. You can’t really blame them for thinking that though, what with the recent fad for celebrity separations garnering copious column inches in the run up to Christmas.

When you think about it, that’s just plain depressing.

According to the front page of the Star, which is all anyone can really stomach reading, the police had to be called after Holmes had some sort of nuclear apocalypse style meltdown and that she’s now resting up at home with Mummy and Daddy Holmes. But not just any Daddy Holmes, no, DIVORCE LAWYER DADDY HOLMES, who sounds like a third rate WWE wrestler from the mid-90s.

Naturally Holmes and Cruise’s people are denying the rumours, saying that the report is a work of pure fiction and that the couple are just living separate lives.

However, as all good conspiracy theorists will tell you, the media is crawling with Scientologists trying to prevent you from learning the truth.

In fact, most of the hecklerspray team is comprised of Scientologists and Lizard People, attempting to distract you while our brethren slowly take over the world by making atrocious films and discrediting David Icke.

It is probably worth pointing out that the Star has run this accusation of the Tomkat phenomenon blowing up around us alongside stories of Johnny Depp flirting with 19 year olds and Ashton Kutcher getting caught up in a murder scandal.

So it is quite clearly a load of bollocks, unless the Star happens to have some of the best journalists in the world who have all managed to unearth groundbreaking stories on the same week. But really, how likely is that?

No, it looks like Katie Holmes is still shackled to her husband and his midichlorians, thetans and STD sound-a-like life forces, all the time staring at that e-meter in the corner, wondering if it truly captures the extent of her feelings.

What would Xenu do?

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The past 12 months has been weird for Cheryl Cole. She’s got malaria, which no-one ever gets because it’s a bloody tropical disease… and she got divorced from her husband… which in fairness, is very common in this country.

Neither of these things are particularly pleasant to go through, so when prodded and poked by a man with a face that looks like it is made from suet, there’s a good chance all the pain and anguish will rise up through your eye-sockets.

And that’s exactly what happened when Cheryl did an interview on TV show, Piers Morgan’s Life Stories.

If that isn’t enough, she’s got to put up with Louis Walsh every bloody week. We’ll let you decide who is the little bitch of the two.

But poor ol’ Cheryl has been left crushed by Ashley Cole and his wandering genitals. The popster told Piers Morgan, increasing looking like a pillow case with a face drawn on it, that her split from England footballer had left her heartbroken.

Not literally. That’s a different thing called ‘a heart attack’.

She managed to keep pretty quiet about the whole split while it was going on, which some may suggest is ‘dignified’. Others may proffer that the reason she kept quiet is because she was holding out for the biggest payout on the interview.

She’s now ready to talk and we’ll get to see the tiny tears on Life Stories which will air on October 23rd.

She explained:

“Looking back on it, I feel numb. We had a great marriage and a fantastic wedding day but I don’t know where it went wrong. To this day I still question that.”

Maybe Ashley Cole is so toxic that when you fall in love with him, you catch a disease like malaria.

What actually happened was that she got it from a trip to Tanzania and a mosquito decided that she looked like she might be a good person to bite.

Of course, the mosquito in question went onto become something of a celebrity in Africa, where it now has it’s own chatshow where it gurgling the blood of television stars and pulls funny faces before delivering the punchline “this show sucks!”

Melodramatically, Cole said that she felt so ill as a result of the disease that she thought she was going to die.

She said:

“It was touch and go for 24 hours. It was serious. I actually thought I was going to die.

“All I thought was that if I was going to die, please let it be soon.”

No comment.

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Some advance warning: in 52 weeks’ time, just stay in your house – Mindy McCready’s going to do something mental.

Honestly, it’s true. Almost exactly a year ago to the day, country singer Mindy McCready was arrested for apparently beating her mother up, and now she’s been admitted to rehab following a nervous breakdown and possible overdose.

McCready’s breakdown comes after the revelation that she’s had a 15-year affair with US sports star Roger Clemens. So what can we expect from Mindy McCready in July 2009? It’s a tricky one to predict – mother-punching and nervous breakdowns are notoriously hard to top. We don’t think she’s abused any animals so far – maybe that’s an avenue.

We might be wrong here, but we’re starting to get the impression that Mindy McCready is the next step in human evolution. She’s like a walking, talking pocket-sized version of hecklerspray. Seriously, think of any story we’ve ever covered and Mindy McCready’s already been there.

Christian Bale allegedly slapping his mother about? Mindy McCready was there a year ago. Madonna allegedly having an affair with a famous sportsman? Mindy McCready’s apparently been doing that for 15 years. Jamie Lynn Spears’ youthful sexuality? Believe what you read and you’ll see that Mindy McCready has done that too, and with the sports star we were just talking about.

Going to rehab like every other celebrity that’s ever lived? Turns out that Mindy McCready is already on the case as well.

But maybe we should spool back a little. If you’re not a country fan – and we’re guessing you’re not because you can read – then maybe you only know Mindy McCready as the drug-abusing motherslapper country singer. When, in actuality, there’s so much more to her than that – she’s a drug-abusing motherslapper country singer who admits to an affair with baseball player Roger Clemens that started when she was 15.

Never the most stable of individuals – she’s got a suicide attempt, a jail sentence and an engagement to Superman under her belt already – the discovery of her secret affair with Clemens sent Mindy McCready over the edge. And that’s why she’s in rehab. People reports:

After a trip to the emergency room in Tennessee, country singer Mindy McCready entered rehab for undisclosed reasons, her rep tells PEOPLE. “Mindy McCready did receive emergency care at Vanderbilt University Medical Center,” says her rep. “Other issues made it prudent for her to seek longer-term and broader-based treatment.”

It’s not been made clear what Mindy McCready is actually in rehab for – if it’s to fix all of her problems then we might not see her again for a decade or two.

So let’s hope that Mindy seeks treatment for the problem that’s caused the most pain in her life first. It’ll be a painful journey, and sometimes she’ll regret even embarking on it, but if she knuckles down and absolutely dedicates herself to it, perhaps one day Mindy McCready will have beaten her addiction to being a country singer.

You know, this morning we suddenly thought "What if all this psychiatric treatment makes Britney Spears normal again? Will our stockpiled pithy wisecracks go to waste?"

And then we discovered that Kirsten Dunst is apparently on the verge of a giant Britney-style nervous breakdown.

It's the cosmic balance in action. Britney gets better, Kirsten Dunst goes a bit batshit. By God, Vanessa Hudgens must be praying that Kirsten Dunst never gets better.

Scientists and physicians have spent centuries trying to get the bottom of mental illness by studying the various ticks and traits that add towards an accurate diagnosis. But they missed one very obvious symptom – if you ever find Johnny Borrell from Razorlight even slightly attractive, then you're clearly as loopy-doolally batshit cuckoo as they come. 

Kirsten Dunst was once Johnny Borrell's girlfriend. So, you know, already it's not looking great for the girl. 

And now it seems that the repressed psychological wounds that come from having a boyfriend who prances around in a pair of his mum's white jeans all day have started to kick back. It's been reported that Kirsten Dunst looks set to become the next celebrity to have a full-on wibbling breakdown. PageSix reports:

Kirsten Dunst's strange ways have tongues wagging that she's "on the verge of a breakdown." The starlet came late, left early and "acted erratic" during a recent event at Sundance, according to insiders. The source added that friends of the actress made apologies on her behalf, saying, "Kirsten is not in a good place right now."

Well, obviously Kirsten Dunst wasn't in a good place if she was in Utah. She was at a place where midgets attack cars, for crying out loud. But as for her frame of mind, who knows? The Sundance appearance was Kirsten Dunst's first appearance for a number of weeks, so nobody is sure if her behaviour was genuinely worrying or just a spot of moviestar dickery in action.

Although Kirsten Dunst's representatives have claimed that she's not mad or heading for a breakdown, she's definitely raised eyebrows in the past. Just last year Kirsten was threatening to quit acting because some people didn't like a film she was in. While that sort of hyper-sensitivity makes us think that Kirsten Dunst could be a likely target for a breakdown, you shouldn't really equate making badly-received films with emotional breakdowns.

Because if you did, Jessica Alba would be the maddest bastard on the whole effing planet.

Read more:

Dunst on Verge of Trouble – Page Six