Fancy puking your ring up? Then continue reading because we’ve got an image to place in your mind that no amount of brain bleach will remove. This is the kind of thing that will haunt you ’til the day you die.

Simon Cowell has had a threesome.

Imagine that. His flaccid moobs being gently slapped by two separate ladies wearing see-through body stockings with enough hairspray to erase the protective gaseous layers on every planet in the solar system. Just think of that. His todger, flapping around to the sound of an expensive water bed while he mutters his dirty thoughts in their ears. JUST THINK ABOUT THAT.

Cleaned the vomit from your mouth yet?

Good.

See, while Cowell was talking to not-actually-that-shocking-a-shock-jock Howard Stern, the Pop Culture Mogul talked about his past dalliances and the turbulent state of his current engagement tofiancée Mezhgan Hussainy.

At the moment, he’s got no idea whether they’re still engaged. When asked, he said

‘not sure’

Annoyed by the convo, Cowell spoke of being betrothed in past tense and grumpily said that he wouldn’t be talking about it any further.

Spokesman Max Clifford says:

‘He likes to keep (his relationship) private. In terms of the relationship, it is long distance. He is back in England at the moment, and when he goes back she will be doing things. When he goes back to the States, she will be doing stuff. To my knowledge they are not having any problems.’

Applying the rule of Anything Max Clifford Says Is Likely To Be The Polar Opposite Of What’s Going On, we can assume that Cowell is indeed having problems and that he isn’t in England and that Simon Cowell is in fact a woman.

Or something.

Still, you want to know about the threesome. Simon confessed to having one years ago, as well as having a date with Denise Richards while she was heavily pregnant with Charlie Sheen’s child.

Talking about his disgusting ménage-a-trois, he said:

‘A threesome? Yeah, years and years ago… I mean a long, long time ago, I was with these two girls and ended up in bed. It was cool. It was a lot of fun.’

And dating Richards, a former Bond girl no less:

‘We arranged to meet at a hotel polo lounge. She turned up eight months pregnant and had a dog in her handbag.’

A dog. In a handbag. Did she have kittens in her coat pockets and a lizard secreted in her colon too? Hollywood is weird.

Cowell also isn’t a fan of condoms either. Apparently, they’re

‘something you wore when you were 17 or something’.

‘There are other alternative methods’

Push your boobs together, because Cowell is coming! Oh, X Factor USA starts on September 21 at 8pm on Fox.

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Nobody told us that Justin Bieber was back on the market via a flurry of texts or messages on Twitter. We had to do some detective work after mopping moisture from our trousers. Not because we were engaging in sexy acts with ourselves, but rather, the supersonic wavelengths shattered our bottle of No Frills gin (paint thinner to you) after the world’s children screamed so loudly that nothing stood a chance.

Of course, tiny pop menses, Justin Bieber, has been the apple of many young girls’ eyes and everything seemed fine and dandy as he sang inoffensive songs whilst making barrels of money for record executive who’ve has a greying ponytail older than the little gyrating cash calf.

The one sworn enemy amongst Bieber fans has always been Selena Gomez who was every girl’s idea as a home wrecking bitch. But the clutches of this evil beast has been released and Justin Bieber is now available for us all to throw ourselves at! US FIRST!

Gomez’s romance with the seven year old dwarf singer, angered his tiny milk-teeth grinding fans. They really didn’t take kindly to their crush being taken away from them. As such, comedic messages of badly spelled hate were sent her way: Was this the reason that Selana kicked Bieber’s barely developed bottom to the curb?

Somebody muttered:

“She doesn’t feel Justin is quite mature enough yet to be in a long-term, stable relationship. She’s in the market for someone a little older and more worldly-wise and she was as unhappy about Justin’s friendship with bad boys Chris Brown and Sean Kingston.”

Friends with Sean Kingston and Chris Brown? Alarm bells would start ringing in any sane minded persons head. After all, we all know that part human, part muppet creation Sean Kingston has the uncanny ability to try and crack open his brains on Miami bridges.

As for Chris buck toothed Brown? We guess that Selena Gomez is one of the few ‘celebs in America to realise that punching someone in the race, regardless of their gender or status shouldn’t be allowed to regain popularity. But if smashing a chair through a window when asked questions about domestic assault makes you LOL, then Chris Brown must make a lot of people happy.

After a cup of hot chocolate, a cuddle with his blanket and kissing practice with his hand, Justin Bieber will bounce back to seduce some lucky child. If Michael Jackson was still with us, we’re sure an invite to Neverland would have already landed on his doormat.

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Do you like gay people? Perhaps you’re a gay person yourself? Doesn’t matter one jot. That’s because Miley Cyrus likes gay people more than anyone else, ever. How do we know this? Because she’s got a tattoo.

As well you know, young people get tattoos about the things they feel strongly passionate about… the things they will stand-by for life… and boy, Miley means it, maaaaaan.

See, she’s decided to get a tattoo that shows that she supports gay marriage. What have you done? Nothing we bet. Unless you happen to be gay and have got married. Even then, marriages don’t often last as long as tattoos, so even you lose.

So how has Miley shown her support for the homosexuals of the world? Has she written a heartfelt diatribe against the naysayers and had some strapping woman ink it onto her young back?

Absolutely not. She’s got herself an equal sign on her finger.

Now we think of it, this could be a declaration of love for mathematics. Wait! Here comes Miley to clear it all up for us idiots.

“ALL LOVE is equal”

That’s the statement Cyrus made on twitter alongside a photo of her tattoo.

Of course, with her having a lot of rednecks and Disneyites following her, it didn’t wholly go down too well. This saw her venting spleen.

“Where does it say in the bible to judge others? Oh right. It doesn’t. GOD is the only judge honey. ‘GOD is love.’”

She of course means: God is made-up. But whatever. And she does have a point though. While you see Christians berating the gays of the world for committing a terrible sin, you never see them berating obese people for indulging in gluttony do you? Those that covet their neighbours junk get off without much chiding too.

Could it be that the Christians of the world have a penchant for hypocrisy?

Anyway, we shouldn’t take this too seriously because Miley has the words “Just Breathe” on the left side of her chest, possibly as an instruction for staying alive, which is sensible advice for the incredibly dimwitted.

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Jesse James is still talking about how he cheated on Sandra Bullock a year ago. It behooves him to talk about betraying his ex-wife for the sake of his book sales. So, his current book tour includes belated apologies and indignant admissions of guilt. However, you may be interested to know, any wrongdoing on his part is in the eye of the beholder and Jesse is only sorry that you’re so sensitive.

There are probably no innocent parties here and we don’t know the full story. There were two people in that relationship.

Until there were suddenly seven more people and Jesse was having sex with all of them. It took two of them to break-up the relationship. Which is, incidentally, roughly how many strippers with whom he cheated.

No one’s ever really at fault when a marriage breaks down. Apparently. So Jesse has spent the last 12 months writing and promoting a book about cheating on and humiliating an Oscar winner for any other bastards who want to do the same.

Asked by a journalist whether he’d entirely emotionally moved on and detached from cheating on Sandra, Jesse responded simply, ‘Yeah, I’m cool.’ He’s ‘Cool’ with moving on from Nazi strippers and a burning sensation when he pees.

Oh, good.

Probed further, as to whether his life fell apart after the scandal or whether he was ever heckled by passersby, he replied that everyone loved him. Like, everyone. Only we in the media mocked him because we are, apparently, the only ones with any perspective. ‘I never got one negative comment. Not from anyone,’ insisted Jesse. ‘The only people that said negative stuff to me were paparazzi and they were like being paid to do that.’

We’re the only people who’re habitually pointing and laughing at his goober face, whiny voice, and thin excuses for philandering. We need our own book tour where we can promote Team Hecklerspray and blame our readers for the crotch rot and constant itching in tender places.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, who is currently having an affair behind the backs of the many ‘spray writers she’s told she’ll marry, the heartless sow.

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The year is 2011AD and no-one has quite managed to work out what the point of Fearne Cotton is. Even her BBC bosses think she’s useless, but they persist in hiring her under the misguided notion that she appeals to Ver Yoof of Britain.

Even they hate her.

Still, at least Fearne has someone to go home to who will hold her and love her when all around are loudly booing and hissing at her, right? Wrong. That’s because she’s now as single as can be after it was announced that she’s split from her fiancé Jesse Jenkins. Presumably, he’s only just started to hear what people have actually been saying about his entirely hopeless ex.

That’s right. Fearne – who has all the personality of a blown light bulb – is no longer to be married, which is sad for her as she wouldn’t shut up about it around the time of the Royal Wedding, a ginormous event that was mystifyingly covered by the presenter with her flickerless, corpse eyes.

She met Jesse in 2008 while someone was daft enough to pay for Cotton to film in the US and, last year, they decided to get engaged. We assume that Jenkins went down on one knee and stared expectantly at Cotton for roughly 8 hours before the Radio One DJ finally stopped saying “classic” and “legend”, and realised what was going on before saying “Oh! I’ve seen this in films! What do I say?”

Eventually, after lengthy discussions, Jesse convinced her to get engaged to him, leaving Fearne to roam the Earth constantly reminding everyone that absolutely everything was “legendary”, including her woeful investigative journalism shows where she met luminaries such as Peaches Geldof.

Sadly, this break-up seems to be a rather clean one.

A spokesperson said:

“Sadly their relationship came to a mutual end last month. There is no-one else involved.”

Alas, that isn’t true. There was someone involved. Fearne Cotton was involved. And like all things involving Fearne Cotton, it was destined to result in disappointment.

Still, at least she can now focus on being a thing that barely occupies a pair of wellington boots over the TV coverage of the festival season.

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Levi Johnston is the master of the art of trolling. It appears his sole aim in life is to annoy supreme pencil neck, Sarah Palin, ’til she reaches the point of explosion. Of course, when she finally KABOOMS, the sky will be thick with impotent rage and garbled words spelled out like the sky has been attacked by a dyslexic skywriter.

Better yet, is that Palin can’t really do much about it because Levi is the father to her grandson. He’s always going to be part of the Palin family.

So imagine the next time they awkwardly meet up, when Levi announces that he’s writing a tell-all book about Palin and her mental, trigger happy family!

And why is Levi writing this book?

“For me, for my boy Tripp and for the country.”

How noble! So what is the book going to be called? ‘Living With The Palins’? Or maybe ‘Inside The Political Storm: Sarah Palin & Me’?

Absolutely not. That’s not nearly funny enough. Levi’s book is to be called ‘Deer in the Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin’s Crosshairs’! HAHAHA!

We can only hope the dust-jacket features some shoddy photoshopping, with Levi’s head on a deer body with Sarah in a bikini firing rounds into the ground.

Johnston says:

“I want to tell the truth about my close relationship with the Palins, my sense of Sarah and my perplexing fall from grace — how I feel and what I’ve learned”

Or, in English, he’s going to be taking the rise out of all the Palin family, including the prancing ex, Bristol. The publishers are promising that the whole thing is going to be a hoot to read, filled with funny anecdotes.

Seeing as Levi recently bared all for Playgirl, we wouldn’t bet against it. We can only hope that it’s filled with libellous anecdotes and hilarious asides about Palin flying into apoplectic rages when she can’t work out how to set the timer on her video player.

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In about fifteen years, we’ll all look back, scratch our heads and wonder why we spent so much of our lives on Twitter. As times change, everything gets replaced with a slicker, faster and generally better version.

Originally we had MySpace where we could create epileptic backgrounds, but once people got sick of being spammed by rubbish bands, everybody jumped over to Facebook. You know, that one Justin Timberlake made a film about or something.

Twitter is nothing more than a condensed version of Facebook, minus the dodgy games that are created by hackers to steal your bank information. Nearly everybody is on Twitter, from your local butcher telling you what’s been freshly slaughtered, or some sleb plugging something they’re involved with. One person who’s been off Twitter is loveable Disney breakaway brat Miley Cyrus but we can all happily rejoice knowing that Miley is back on Twitter! This is bigger news than the Royal Wedding.

So how can you get in on the act of finding out what colour Miley Cyrus painted her nails or when she messaged another famous person? It’s almost like playing a game of hide & seek, as typing in @mileycyrus proves unsuccessful. Instead you’ll have to point your browser towards @gypsyhearttour. Initially, this caused us a bit of confusion, as far as pseudonyms go this a bit of a strange one. Fair enough she has a tour to promote, but why “gypsy heart?”

Perhaps there’s a more logical and responsible explanation? Recently, Channel 4 in the UK rolled out a show called ‘My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.’ The programme was designed to give the viewer a glance in to the world of a community that many aren’t familiar with. Instead of the show being a cultural learning curve, most people on Twitter decided to berate and mock the people featured. Perhaps Miley Cyrus felt sorry for the travelling community and named her show after watching the series.

Instead of simply returning to the service, Cyrus had to make a big song and dance about the whole thing:

“I do not tweet, I do not social network, I try to stay out of it. I complain enough about people knowing too much about my private life, so to go out there and exploit myself would be silly and hypocritical.”

Miley Cyrus is taking charge of this account and not leaving it up to the work experience kid at her record label to manage. Even though she’s already gotten the hump about divulging information that’ll cast her in to the limelight, we expect her to harp on about all sorts of pointless crap including tales of “how awesome the crowd was last night” and tales of her saying “I swear my kitty just did a big yawn. LOL.” Cyrus has even constructed a plan for her Twitter account which consists of:

“Goal 1. Get 1,000,000 followers! Goal 2. Make #RADIATELOVE a trending topic!”

Take it from us love; at least four hecklerspray writers have been trying to make #cake a trending topic on Twitter but with no sodding luck. You’ll never do it, keep searching for that rainbow, or use some a sprig of that gypsy lucky heather you’ll be flogging on tour to make all your dreams come true while you’re dressed like a meringue.

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The world is a confusing place isn’t it?  So many puzzling questions left unanswered, that even the hecklerspray writers are unable to sleep at night.

When we should be having midnight feasts and pillow fights, we’re pacing the sticky floors of our bedsit, desperately looking for answers to questions like: ‘Why does anyone under the age of dead listen to Ronan Keating?’ or ‘What possessed Brian Harvey to eat THREE baked potatoes before driving over himself?’.

However, there is one thing we can categorically say we’re not in the slightest bit uncertain about. WE ARE REALLY GLAD WE’RE NOT MILEY CYRUS.

Let’s face it, having to go through life knowing that you were created from Billy Rae Cyrus’s line dancing ejaculate must be self-harmingly painful enough, but to be then faced with the knowledge that not only is there a great big blow up doll out there with your name on it (literally), it’s flying off the shelves in record time and men are no doubt singing ‘Best of Both Worlds’ while humping your effigy stupid.

The ‘Finally Miley’ doll costs around £17 and apparently has ’3 achey love holes’  to stick things in.  Kevin Johnson of Pipedream Products said:

“We are completely sold out already – it’s been on the market for less than 48 hours”

Someone should really take Justin Bieber’s credit card away from him.

We thought this might make Miley reach for the bong but instead she’s decided to get angry and sue the pants off the company who made this wipe clean monstrosity.

Johnson said something about that too:

“We haven’t received a cease and desist letter from her attorneys yet, but I have seen those rumours circling online”

“That probably means it will happen soon enough”

Probably but until that day there’s plenty of time to some damage to a Miley doll and let’s be honest, it’ll still be far less damaged that the real one.

We blame Billy Rae Cyrus. Not just for this.

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Just the other day, we were putting together a list of the most individual singers and musicians who are currently involved in the music scene. How about The Rolling Stones? Nah, they’re just walking corpses. Lady Gaga? Pft, she spends too much time ripping off Madonna and designing stinging nettle dresses.

You know who topped our list? The totally awesome Miley Cyrus!

We’ve got all her albums, singles and even have her autograph inked on our bum cheeks. She’s so influential, that we’re smoking a bong of salvia right now! But not everything the life of Miley Cyrus is sweet and rosy. The world class singer has issues with fame grabbing singers such as Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black who posted clips on YouTube to gain fame. They definitely didn’t work as hard as Miley who had the benefit of having a father with a world renowned terrible single and getting her own TV show courtesy of Uncle Walt Disney.

Oh dear Miley, it appears that despite your ropey, barely-legal photoshoots, fame and fortune, you haven’t quite mastered what the word irony means. As we tragically know, her father Billy Ray Cyrus sang about his achy breaky heart. She should have learned that a lack of understanding about the word irony runs in the family as her dad’s heart got all sore and broken when he got involved in divorce proceedings.

Mily Cyrus is desperately trying to establish as herself as a sophisticated female actress and get away from the cute and innocent Disney image that’s attached to her. Unlike Vanessa Hudgens of High School Musical fame, she hasn’t gone and taken pictures of her waps and later found them leaked across the internet. Nor has she gone down the road of once child star Lindsay Lohan by getting constantly drunk, doing drugs, going to rehab, crashing cars, sniffing a few more drugs and accused of pinching jewellery.

The easiest way of looking cool, edgy and hipster is to just mouth off. After all, isn’t that what Twitter and Facebook are for? The loyal fan base of Miley Cyrus will lap up her every word. It’s always easy to pick on someone who’s a similar size to you, or as we look at it, equally annoying. When asked about fellow musicians Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black, Miley said:

“It should be harder to be an artist. You shouldn’t just be able to put a song on YouTube and go out on tour.”

OMG1!!11! Miley Cyrus is a total hater. How can she not appreciate the feel good anthems of the four year old Justin Bieber or the internet’s greatest discovery, Rebecca Black?

We see a vicious Twitter turf war breaking out with lovers and haters looking to tweet condensed messages of fury and bile. All three should recreate a classic encounter like the Battle of Hastings where all each respective side can charge at each other, using sharpened CD cases to gouge the other person’s eye or testicle.

We’re team Rebecca Black all the way. Girl got mad skills.

There’s nothing quite as depressing as seeing a divorced father in action and Billy Ray Cyrus is doing a grand job of being a constant source of maudlin fun. He’s a walking microwave meal for one. The poor sod.

Of course, he’s limping around, hauling his lonely posterior to anyone who’ll listen because it is better than talking to the four walls of his very empty house.

With this desperate plea for affection, Billy Ray has been giving interviews and talking about his personal life in such detail that it seems like we’re mere seconds away from him showing us the poo he did this morning, before he puts it back into his pocket and has a little cry.

The main crux of his wallows focus on his relationship – or lack of it – with his famous daughter, Miley Cyrus. He opened up in an interview with GQ, giving everyone the impression he was about to don a superhero outfit and stand on a building, Fathers For Justice style.

As a result, he’s been roundly ridiculed by his family, which has seen him backtracking on US television.

After slating Disney for melting Miley’s brain, he’s now on record saying that he loves them and in fact, not in any way responsible for Miley’s recent behaviour which some say is indicative of someone going off the rails, while others think she’s just acting her age.

Either way, Billy is all about wanting to make it up to Miley.

“I look back and I did kind of approach being a dad like being a friend, my kids need a dad and I can promise I’ll come back in and do the best I can do.”

“I still want to be Miley’s friend. I want to be the person she wants to talk to. I love her more than life itself.”

“I think most importantly, Miley has a great heart and she is very intelligent she will make good choices … I trust Miley.”

He trusts that, should she do bongs filled with salvia, he’ll get to see it second hand when someone sticks it on YouTube. Again.

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Imagine the fun you could have standing over Renee Zellweger and Sandra Bullock while they both sit before each other, taking it in turns to cry and do their best impression of melancholy. Just imagine!

Well, that’s what has been happening as Renee took her peculiar face to Bullock’s house and let all the water fall out of it.

They probably said things like “men are so not worth it”, before toying with the idea of some sorrow induced mock-lesbianism, but never actually getting round to it because neither actress has any sort of sexual allure or prowess. As such, they probably watched a film and ate cheap Chinese food from those cartons you’ve seen in films.

Of course, Zellweger has just broken up with some character called Bradley Cooper, so she needed someone to comfort her while she did a cry. Sandra is the perfect choice because she’s just had a high-profile divorce from Jesse James after he stuck his penis into a string of women that weren’t Sandra Bullock.

Together, the pair will have no doubt bonded over the fact that they’re both from Texas and invariably mused about the potential of giving the electric chair to their exes.

Their dirty, rotten, no-good exes.

That’s because the rumours floating around Hollywood are that Bradley Cooper, star of the dismal ‘The Hangover’ managed the near-impossible by having sex with someone behind Renee’s back. That’s two whole women in the world willing to have intercourse with someone who starred in The Hangover.

Amazing.

Better yet, one of the rumours is that Cooper had sex with Sandra Bullock. How fantastic is that?

A friend of Renee’s says:

‘She tried to make it work, but in the end it was too hard. Her friends feel bad it ended, but she’s okay’.

‘She hasn’t been working because she wanted to really put time and energy into the relationship and now she’s going back to work’

This means there’ll probably be Bridget Jones 3 then. Gah.

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Renee Zellweger, a woman who looks as though she has a tiny black hole at the centre of her face which is slowly drawing all her features together, has this week been seen out of her house on her own despite being a celebrity!

Being at our core, a gossip site, we too will manage to drag a few hundred words out of a woman going to get something to eat but without bringing you the gawdy pictures of her taking down an antelope and rending it limb from limb before roaring at the assembled paparazzi.

Okay. We might have made that part up but it’s a damn-sight more exciting than a story about yet another Hollywood actress splitting up with yet another Hollywood ‘super-hunk’ in an event that is no more remarkable than seeing ‘Spray editor Mof Gimmers nipping down to the shop to buy milk and getting distracted by kicking a puppy to death.

Her former ‘beau’ Bradley Cooper (him out of the A-Team) was also seen stunting about the world looking forlorn and love-sick this week which must categorically prove that breaking up in Hollywood’s just worse than anywhere else because there’s always a camera around to capture your pathetic bleating and moaning into your Blackberry.

But of course, there’s very little of that actually going on here.

No tawdry kiss-and-tell stories, no massive front page spreads in glossy cloisters of human despair talking about how much they hate one another and if they’re ever in the same country together then the entire earth will implode into the same black hole which is currently enveloping Zellweger’s face. No. Nothing. Just a woman out eating a bit of brunch and buying a book while listening to two different MP3 players.

This is hardly the outlook that we want from our celebrities. If they don’t fall into some kind of week-long grief coma which only ends with them coming out to sit in a chat show and sob into their hands in some rehearsed puppet show engineered by a publicist then we’re not interested, are we?

How dare they not give us the story we want? Oh well, we’ll just have to make something up…

…Oops.

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