Which is why we’re now going to talk about the latest TV appearance by Peter Andre, where he gets all boo-hooey and says he’s all about his kids and stuff, and then completely fails to see the connection between apologising for his life in the spotlight then announcing he has a new reality show currently filming.

What a tool.

See? We’re not just mean to Katie Price.

Though she is a giganto-titted monstrosity of Lovecraftian proportions.

Following Jordan’s appearance alongside the slithering mass of matter playing itself off as human (known by many as Piers Morgan), we all secretly hoped this would be the end of things.

In fact, it wasn’t a secret hope at all. We just wanted this parade of monumental stupidity to end before we decided to end ourselves.

Unfortunately, the Australian with an IQ almost equal to that of a glass of water decided he should have his say and – true to the character he’s been portraying to the media – Peter Andre was a big ball of crying, caring, “honest” mess on This Morning.

“Honest” of course, because we have minds of our own and can see straight through any bag of carefully-managed PR “emotion” these celebrity types try to throw our way.

While we’re all for the whole “not talking about Katie Price in a bad way” angle and the whole “she shouldn’t really have gone on about the miscarriage on telly, as that’s a bit private” spiel, we can’t help but think he should have just shut up and cried a bit more at that point.

But bless the Aussie fool, for he doesn’t exactly help himself.

After the line of:

“It’s our fault… I know I’m going to make mistakes. Sharing your life so publicly can be a mistake.”

You would think Peter Andre would then learn to keep schtum and not flap his natterhole about anything else which could possibly harm his case. Well…

In fact, there’s no point in trying to put it any better than it’s already been done – read this sentence by the kids at Digital Spy, take it in and really think about what it says:

Andre added that he is now focusing on his children, his new album and his recently announced reality show, which began filming three weeks ago.

We’ll be honest, it’s not that hard to see what we’re getting at here, but we do know some of our readers struggle with basic literacy.

Peter – you come across like a mentally-deficient puppy, so it’s hard for even hecklerspray to hate you, which is why this comes from our barely-beating, shrivelled and calloused heart: stop the madness, retire from the public eye, get a job in a pub and bring up the kids to avoid this shit.

Though that would mean we’d have less to write about…

Can you guess which side Katie Price (or “Jordan” if you prefer her hooker name) being interviewed by Piers Morgan (or “Twat” if you prefer his real name) would fall into?

But what if we throw in the fact that poor Katie broke down in tears during the interview, making out as if she were the victim to Peter Andre’s evil ways?

Then it would be secret option three: you’re only hurting yourself and my god we wish Piers Morgan would just die.

In an interview set to air on the channel that knows not how to make good telly – ITV1 – Katie Price talks to Piers Morgan and… good god he’s a disgusting weasel of a man.

We mean, she’s bad enough and it isn’t like Peter Andre is much better – the man is a simpleton – but Piers Morgan? Honestly. Whelks have more appealing personalities than that gutterscum. He’s so much of a prat Jeremy Clarkson punched him in the face – when one of the biggest anuses on TV hits you, you know you’re doing something wrong.

Where were we?

Ah yes – so Peter and Katie split up, then there was some ruckus about who gets the kids, when they get them and blah blah blah then some other meticulously-managed PR-shit came about and lo, the two were still featured all over every magazine in the world.

It’s hard to care.

A source said some words which someone took down and eventually got said words to Digital Spy:

“Katie is fed up with the public backlash against her. Unfortunately though, her version of events is rather different to Pete’s.”

Let’s do some scientific-type study here then. Her version of events is probably different because she’s out on the lash all the time, getting her well-worn vagina out for all asunder and making new potholes in the street every time she drunkenly trips up.

Or at least that’s what we’d guess.

Katie Price may be a ridiculous-looking hag of a woman, Peter Andre may be… well – what is he, really? And as for the kids, well, they’re probably going to be messed up when they’re older, let’s be honest.

But Piers Morgan? Why, oh why…

We’re just throwing that out there in case the Drudge Report, E! Online or the National Enquirer want to run with it as a headline. Not interested? Perhaps they would be if they knew we used two different jelly flavours – one of them mint. Also we unconventionally spread it on there with the back of a spoon.

Still nobody interested? Its free you know – we don’t want a cut or anything. Just take the story. You could use the headline hecklerspray double jellies its morning toast with spoon from filthy sink pile.

That’d be far more interesting than the story most of them are running about the Paris Hilton/Benji Madden break-up. C’mon you websites – think of the increased internet traffic!

Good news for anybody who’s longed to date either a helium-filled heiress or a semi-famous guitarist who looks like he sweats a lot. Paris Hilton and Benji Madden have split. Our sources tell us its because Paris finally realised why her boyfriend’s lips were covered in fur the night ‘coyotes’ ate her dogs a few months back.

Our source also tells us the two have already moved on. Benji is dating a young woman in line to inherit several Red Roof Inns, and Paris is in a very real relationship with a Burger King grease trap. That second one even comes with baby rumours.

Us Magazine has a slightly different account of things:

“Paris Hilton and Benji Madden called it quits Tuesday after nine months of dating, a rep for Hilton confirms exclusively to Usmagazine.com. “Even though they are still in love, they felt it would be better to just be friends,” a source close to Hilton, 27, tells Us. The reason for the split? “Benji was overprotective and controlling. He doesn’t get along with any of her friends,” the source tells Us. “Friends thought Paris had changed since being with Benji and she wants to be herself again.”"

That plus Paris had always thought she was dating the bassist from Green Day. When she learned the truth she was done with the lie. Probably.

With her new-found spare time we bet ol’ PH will start working more on her coyote home-defence system. What seems to keep the beasts the most at bay so far is songs about best friends, and the projected image of all five The Simple Life seasons filling the entire south wall of her mansion.

As for Benji, who is best known for being named after a dog from the seventies, well we don’t know what he’ll do. Just please nobody let him console himself with a guitar. No need to bring down everybody, fella.

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It’s not that we didn’t expect him to go down that route, but it does still irritate when it actually happens. After all, he is still a dull nobody that would have faded into obscurity had he kept his mouth shut about the relationship and consequent split.

So obviously he’s gone for the old ‘talk about her to the press in an annoying fashion, just so people don’t forget who I am for at least two extra weeks, and places like that amazing hecklerspray.com will write about me again’ route that so many ineffectual Z-listers opt for.

Well we won’t, John Mayer. We wo… oh. We have. Bugger.

See, after the breakup – no, not the movie with Jennifer and another of her exes Vince Vaughn – Mayer decided to talk to anyone who would listen, spunking his intimate knowledge around as many media outlets as he knew would report it. And some that wouldn’t.

Speaking to reporters in the street, apparently, Mayer said:

“There’s no lying, there’s no cheating, there’s no nothing. Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I have ever met. People are different, people have different chemistry. I ended a relationship to be alone, because I don’t want to waste somebody’s time if something’s not right.”

Well isn’t that just sweet, eh? It’s obviously as dull and middle of the road as we expected from the king of mediocrity, but at least there’s no real venom in it. We can sleep soundly at night. Though it is still the rampant fame-hungry behaviour of a man desperate to cling on to some of the limelight that fleetingly glanced across his brow for such a short amount of time.

And it did clearly irritate Jennifer Aniston, if those magical sources we love so much are to be believed. Speaking to the press, one ’source’ said these words, and by the looks of things they were frothing at the mouth when they did so:

“Jennifer will never kiss and tell, but it’s she who ended the relationship. John’s childish behaviour only confirms she was right to dump him. Now he’s acting like a spoiled child. Expect Jennifer to behave like a lady.”

The righteous fury didn’t end there though, and the source (of rage) went on:

“Jennifer was tired of paying for everything. Cobwebs come flying out of John’s wallet when he opens it. John liked living like a movie star when he was with her. Jennifer would never say anything, but you could tell it irritated her.”

Which probably means Jennifer had to pay for this meal that we reported on in such world-changing fashion oh so long ago. We do remember seeing Mayer pat his pockets and shrug his shoulders when the bill arrived, showing the international sign language for ‘whoopsie – me gone dun and forgot mah wallet!’.

Well John – you’re going to have to pay for your own meals now. Take that!

As if covering the near-endless slew of nearly naked pictures of a 15-year-old isn’t bad enough, now the media feels compelled to report on the fact that two 15-year-olds used to go out with each other. For a bit. And young Hannah Montana has gone and told us all about it. And hecklerspray apparently feels the need to talk about it.

If there was an ounce of dignity left in the world, this ‘news’ is surely the swansong for that poor little blighter. It never stood a chance.

Yet there it is, splashed all over the entertainment press: “Miley Cyrus: Breaking Up With Nick Jonas Was Hard” or the much more tempting: “Miley Cyrus: ‘Maybe I’ll End Up Marrying Nick Jonas’” – every publication getting in its own two cents on the matter, covering a two year relationship between two very young teenagers.

And this is news. That people want to read.

Can someone wake us up from the medically-enforced coma we’re about to put ourselves in when the world stops being so clinically insane, thanks.

You can understand the thinking behind the story when you go to its source – it comes from a magazine called ‘Seventeen’, the type aimed at young teenage girls. Miley Cyrus is sure to be something of a hero to these girls and her talking about a relationship she was in – one that went wrong no less – is sure to give her kudos with the whole ‘relatability’ angle. Fair enough.

There was even a quote from Miley herself talking about it, and it’s just as flowing and eloquent as you would expect from a tweeny prat like her:

“[Nick and I] became boyfriend and girlfriend the day we met. He was on a quest to meet me, and he was like, ‘I think you’re beautiful and I really like you.’ And I was like, ‘Oh, my gosh, I like you so much.’”

If that’s not enough pure, distilled fact in your face for you then don’t worry – she went on:

“Nick and I loved each other. We still do, but we were in love with each other. For two years he was basically my 24/7. But it was really hard to keep it from people. We were arguing a lot, and it really wasn’t fun.”

Why in the name of all that isn’t awful in this world (an ever-decreasing amount of things) does she think she’s anything other than just a kid? Why is she spouting pseudo-psychological bullshit akin to that coming from a 35-year-old career divorcee? Why can’t she just shut up and get on with her dancing?

And, probably most importantly: why in the name of all that is considered right, moral and not-at-all-stupid-and-pointless was this re-reported on anything approaching the ‘adult’ media? Surely anyone that actually wants to read this stuff is a little bit weird, and probably the kind of person that shouldn’t be allowed to look at kids in the first place?

But hey – as always, we can’t blame the media, because it’s the plebs out there that shape the way they report, and if there weren’t a market for it, they sure as hell wouldn’t print it.

It appears to be yet another pile of this overbearing cynicism that was all too apparent in the Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt kid’s photos story, and frankly it annoys us this early in the morning.

Hopefully we can go back to some light-hearted character assassination later today, but for now hecklerspray will just sit, stewing, trying to hold back the chunks of bile-encrusted rage-vomit from hitting the screen or staining the desk.

Oh, and: good morning!