celebrity break up - HecklerSpray

Mariah Carey Got Her Ass Dumped

October 28th, 2016 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

Remember last month when I wrote that blog about how Mariah Carey flipped the fuck out at her billionaire fiancé James Packer because he put on a Beyoncé song while trying to seduce her which resulted in Mariah throwing his laptop out their hotel window?

Well, you’ll never believe it, but apparently James has since dumped Mariah, which is truly shocking because, as I established in my previous blog on the topic, he was clearly in the wrong in that situation, NOT Mariah. This is some real injustice right here.

I’m Guessing The Drake/Chris Brown Feud Is Back On

December 8th, 2014 By Megan Leitch

Oh, Chris Brown.? Karma is a bitch, and one that doesn’t take kindly to douchebags at that.? After showing the world how shitty of a person and?boyfriend?he is when he decided to kung foo Rihanna’s face,?he continued his streak of being a crappy significant other with his next relationship.? And it seems like the time has come for karma to rear its head.

Not only has Brown’s girlfriend given him the heave-ho, but according to Chris she also cheated one him with one of his sworn enemies.? The same enemy Rihanna also messes around with from time to time.? Full circle, baby.

Ellie Goulding’s Massive Jaw, Now Utterly Single

January 9th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

The Rocky Dennis of pop, Ellie Goulding, has really got something to be justifiably long-faced about – she’s only gone and split up with some boyfriend that we didn’t even know she had in the first place.?

Tragic news.

It transpires that her now-ex goes by the name of Greg James and, remarkably, he’s a Radio One DJ! Nope. Still never heard of him. We’re sure he’ll have a lot of fun playing Goulding’s records in the future when she’s bothering the hit parade.

Muse Split Rumours Were Just An Unfortunate Hoax

November 30th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

At the heckerspray bedsit, there isn't really a lot to look forward to. Life is, for the most part, despairingly grim. We can’t afford to eat. We can’t afford to go on strike. We can’t even manage the payments on our glue habit. It’s awful.

All we have is our dreams. Dreams are free… and really brilliant when you’ve been doing bags of glue for supper.

While our visions are nightmarish, other sleep soundly, dreaming of their heroes. People like Muse. People dream about those bozos. But for us, we dream of their disbandment. Forget the fact they're a terrible concoction of Coldplay and Radiohead, but the unrock ?n roll antics of the band just ain't cool. We thought our prayers had been answered, but alas it was all a lie.

Kim Kardashian And Kris Humphries Are Splitting Up With Yawning Inevitability

September 22nd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

You may have looked at Kim Kardashian’s wedding to Kris Humphries and thought to yourself; ‘Cor. This is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Real love can truly blossom, despite a history of leaked sex tapes and buttock implants.’

You may have thought that because you’re pretty dim. See, we told you ages ago that this marriage would hit the rocks, and quickly.

Not because we don’t believe in love and, indeed, even celebrities can find the real thing… it is more a case of Kardashian not standing a chance. Why? It might have something to do with her incessant need for attention.

Simon Cowell Has A Threesome, Hates Condoms And You Lose Your Lunch

September 8th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Fancy puking your ring up? Then continue reading because we’ve got an image to place in your mind that no amount of brain bleach will remove. This is the kind of thing that will haunt you ’til the day you die.

Simon Cowell has had a threesome.

Imagine that. His flaccid moobs being gently slapped by two separate ladies wearing see-through body stockings with enough hairspray to erase the protective gaseous layers on every planet in the solar system. Just think of that. His todger, flapping around to the sound of an expensive water bed while he mutters his dirty thoughts in their ears. JUST THINK ABOUT THAT.

Justin Bieber Has Been Dumped! Children Around The World Rejoice In Unison

August 22nd, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Nobody told us that Justin Bieber was back on the market via a flurry of texts or messages on Twitter. We had to do some detective work after mopping moisture from our trousers. Not because we were engaging in sexy acts with ourselves, but rather, the supersonic wavelengths shattered our bottle of No Frills gin (paint thinner to you) after the world’s children screamed so loudly that nothing stood a chance.

Of course, tiny pop menses, Justin Bieber, has been the apple of many young girls? eyes and everything seemed fine and dandy as he sang inoffensive songs whilst making barrels of money for record executive who?ve has a greying ponytail older than the little gyrating cash calf.

The one sworn enemy amongst Bieber fans has always been Selena Gomez who was every girl?s idea as a home wrecking bitch. But the clutches of this evil beast has been released and Justin Bieber is now available for us all to throw ourselves at! US FIRST!

Miley Cyrus Likes The Gays Way More Than You

August 1st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Do you like gay people? Perhaps you’re a gay person yourself? Doesn’t matter one jot. That’s because Miley Cyrus likes gay people more than anyone else, ever. How do we know this? Because she’s got a tattoo.

As well you know, young people get tattoos about the things they feel strongly passionate about… the things they will stand-by for life… and boy, Miley means it, maaaaaan.

See, she’s decided to get a tattoo that shows that she supports gay marriage. What have you done? Nothing we bet. Unless you happen to be gay and have got married. Even then, marriages don’t often last as long as tattoos, so even you lose.

Jesse James Is Sorry You’re So Sensitive About Cheating

July 6th, 2011 By Amy Grindhouse

Jesse James is still talking about how he cheated on Sandra Bullock a year ago. It behooves him to talk about betraying his ex-wife for the sake of his book sales. So, his current book tour includes belated apologies and indignant admissions of guilt. However, you may be interested to know, any wrongdoing on his part is in the eye of the beholder and Jesse is only sorry that you’re so sensitive.

There are probably no innocent parties here and we don’t know the full story. There were two people in that relationship.

Until there were suddenly seven more people and Jesse was having sex with all of them. It took two of them to break-up the relationship. Which is, incidentally, roughly how many strippers with whom he cheated.

Fearne Cotton Splits With Her Fiance After He Realises How Ghoulish She Is

May 23rd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

The year is 2011AD and no-one has quite managed to work out what the point of Fearne Cotton is. Even her BBC bosses think she’s useless, but they persist in hiring her under the misguided notion that she appeals to Ver Yoof of Britain.

Even they hate her.

Still, at least Fearne has someone to go home to who will hold her and love her when all around are loudly booing and hissing at her, right? Wrong. That’s because she’s now as single as can be after it was announced that she’s split from her fianc? Jesse Jenkins. Presumably, he’s only just started to hear what people have actually been saying about his entirely hopeless ex.