break - HecklerSpray

Everyone Now Quite Desperate For Katy Perry And Russell Brand To Split

December 29th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Hey! Did you hear about Russell Brand and Katy Perry spending Christmas away from each other? They haven’t been married very long have they? You’d think they’d want to spend the festives (aka Some Time Off Work) together, right?

Well, aside from the myriad of perfectly legitimate reasons why this happened, they’re quite obviously splitting up.

Why? Because that’s what everyone wants. Basically, they’ve got the temerity to appear rather fond of each other. Mercifully, there’s a source on-hand to tell us all otherwise, which is incredibly convenient.

Black Eyed Peas Splitting Up After Completing Mission To Ruin Music Forever

November 23rd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Have you noticed a trend in pop that sees artists sampling any old shit, rather than sourcing something that works right for a song? Eminem sampled Haddaway, Derulo used ‘Day-Oh (The Banana Boat Song)’ and Cher Lloyd unironically sang the tune from ‘Oh My Darling, Clementine’.

Who is to blame for this? The Black Eyed Peas, that’s who. Have you heard their use of ‘The Time Of My Life’? Crow-barred, lowest common denominating nonsense to provide modernity to familiarity, thereby, maximising sales and opportunities to get played at weddings and bar mitzvahs.

And now, having fully completed Operation Spoil Music For Everyone, they’re able to take a nice long break, knowing that their work is done. Seriously. They’re totally splitting up.

Kylie Minogue’s Sister Gets Replaced By Someone From N-Dubz On X Factor

May 16th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

We feel sorry for Dannii Minogue: she's never really had it as good as her older sibling. Kylie has been given all of the bigger, better and catchier pop hits, she looks better and oddly, Kylie has been given her own range of car adverts which don't make any sense. Perhaps Simon Cowell gave Dannii the X-Factor job out of pity. Or he lost a bet.

Even though the actual show hasn't started, X-Factor has bored us rigid already. Cowell has buggered off to launch it in America while Cheryl Cole finally was announced as judge after the American authorities turned a blind eye to her conviction of assault. Arguably, the shows two biggest judges have gone Stateside, leaving Kylie Minogue’s sister and Louise Walsh to crush the dreams of thousands.

Only problem is that says before filming starts, Kylie Minogue’s sister has left the show. Surely this couldn't be a PR stunt?

N-Dubz Announce Split, Sadly Not Forever

May 9th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

As we get older, we often have to re-educate ourselves with all of this modern speak that the youth of society spit from their mouths. To us, being ?from the streets? meant you were a homeless person who fished around in bins for scraps of food, stunk of ammonia and generally harassed people for a spare 20p for cider or drugs. Generally, tramps weren't embraced with kisses and cuddles.

But, times changed and now if you are ?from the streets?, it doesn't mean you're a homeless sort. Instead it's the polar opposite as you're considered a hip young thing who has grown up in areas of extreme poverty and witnessed all sorts of shocking events ? like people tripping over cracks in the pavement.

Annoyingly, there is a growing trend for people to commit what they've seen to record. N-Dubz in particular have done this and pestered the ears of thousands. Our prayers have been partly answered as the band have announced a temporary split, hooray!

Shania Twain Taunts Us By Nearly Quitting Music After Throat And Emotions Fail Her

May 4th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Shania Twain once told us that ‘the best thing about being a woman is that you get to have a little fun.’ Of course, men have fun too. And when men and women have fun together, everything is just great, right?

Wrong. You see, in this case, ‘a little fun’ happened to be Shania’s husband – Mutt Lange – sticking his member inside Twain’s best friend in the whole world. “That don’t impress me much, uh-uh-uh-ooow“, Shania probably said at the time she found out about it all.

The fallout of this heartbreak left us all tantalisingly close to Shania giving up on music completely, never again subjecting us innocents to the appalling, vomiting country-pop smashes that briefly took over the universe like some kind of sonic herpes.

Joe Jonas Is Not Gay And Has Split Up With Ashley Greene (Cue Slurs)

March 18th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene have, crushingly, called time on their romance. What will us plebs aspire to now in matters of the heart. For here, we lie jaded, broken and listlessly twitching on our knees, wondering if true love even exists anymore.

It is gone, blown away on a cruel, tender breeze along with our hopes which are fading like the last lingering flickers of the day as the sun sets in all of our hearts.

And Joe Jonas (who may or may not be pictured right, we’ve no idea which clone we’ve featured) is totally not a great big gay. Okay? He’s not. He’s really not a massive gay. Just to clear that up.

Man The Helplines! The White Stripes Split-Up!

February 3rd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

On hecklerspray, we like to take the piss out of people and bands, even if we like them. All in the name of writing some jokes. However, when it comes to the White Stripes, it’s kinda hard to mock them, even though we’re not fans.

This is most troubling.

Alas, Jack and Meg White have decided to call it a day and draw the curtain on The White Stripes, leaving us with only the very boring option of sneering about it or saying something like “Hur hur! MOR rubbish!” when they clearly weren’t. Will we find something funny to say before this article is out?