That’s it. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have definitely split up. Definitely. There’s incontrovertible proof.

What? A confirmation? A formal confirmation of the split by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie themselves? Don’t be silly. But we don’t need a formal confirmation when we’ve got proof this watertight – Brad Pitt has just bought a house. A house with a cave attached.

And, yes, look, we know that Brad Pitt has bought several homes in the past, and none of the previous ones seemed to signal a romantic split from Angelina Jolie of any kind, but you’re missing the big picture here. This one has a cave. A cave, damn it! Remember when you spent $700,000 on a house with a cave last time you split up with your girlfriend? This is EXACTLY THE SAME THING.

You’ll notice that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have yet to formally respond to this weekend’s reports that they’re about to split up. This means one of two things. Either a) Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie aren’t splitting up and they refuse to dignify these obviously fabricated reports with a response, or b) they hate each other so much that they can’t discuss the wording of the response without angrily smashing crockery over the other one’s head.

However, signs aren’t good. This week a celebrity magazine declared that Angelina Jolie had a vodka-fuelled affair with her dialect coach from Salt, even though she didn’t actually have a dialect coach for Salt. And, worse still, it turns out that Brad Pitt has just spent $700,000 on a house with a cave in it. What does this mean? Well, let’s run through the options:

1) Brad Pitt likes architecture and found the property fascinating from a design perspective.

2) Brad Pitt knows that, despite the recession, property still remains a solid investment.

3) Brad Pitt hates Angelina Jolie so much that he rushed out and bought the first house he could find, just so it meant not having to look at her stupid idiot face for any longer than he absolutely needed to.

4) Brad Pitt is going to become a superhero, tasked with the burden of saving Hollywood from the creeping shadow of crime. Buying the cave was stage one of this plan; part two will involve convincing the local police commissioner to flash a silhouette of a grotty beard into the sky at the first flash of trouble.

But, as far as The Daily Mail is concerned, it definitely means that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie properly hate each other’s guts:

Brad Pitt has secretly purchased a bachelor pad to help him sort out his split from Angelina Jolie, it was reported yesterday. ‘The house oozes character,’ said a source. ‘Brad has had his eye on it for some time but he decided now was the right time to buy. He needs somewhere quiet that doesn’t have memories of Angie and where he can be alone and think about what he does next.’

That said, we’re still not convinced. We still need to see some concrete proof before we believe that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie really are done for – like if Angelina Jolie goes and buys some cushions or a hat stand or something. Then we’ll know.

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If any of you hear a soft squeaking noise today, ignore it – it’s just Jennifer Aniston polishing her genitals.

Or maybe not. Maybe it’s Brad Pitt‘s ratty beard bristling with discomfort. Or all of the Brangelina kids whining “Why mummy? Why?” at Angelina Jolie in all of their respective languages. Oh, who are we kidding? It’s definitely Jennifer Aniston buffing her tumpsy.

And she’s wise to because, if reports are to be believed, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have split up. Of course, sources close to the couple have denied the rumours, but let’s ignore them. Because, people of Earth, it looks like your chances of copping off with either Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie have just risen from ‘impossible’ to ‘statistically inconceivable’. Result!

Every fairytale has to come to an end eventually. Admittedly most tend to come to an end with ‘and they all lived happily ever after’ rather than ‘they decided to split up, and briefly considered exploring the legal ramifications of sending their kids back to the third world or offloading them onto Madonna or whatever’, but that’s Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for you. Theirs was never a traditional fairytale.

For instance, in most fairytales, the charming prince doesn’t have a mangy old beard. And the princess doesn’t only make films about either crying or explosions. And they usually feature actual dwarves, instead of a spectrum of non-unionised toddlers plucked from the poorest corners of the world. But anyway, we digress. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are reportedly splitting up. Here’s how the News Of The World broke the story yesterday:

Dynamite legal papers secretly signed by the couple this month detail how all their homes and assets will be carved up… Preparations for a split began in early December when “Brangelina” visited a top Los Angeles divorce firm to begin thrashing out the deal. An announcement of their separation is expected to be made soon.

That’s not to say that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are definitely splitting up, though – a source close to the couple has dismissed the rumours as untrue. However, because we can’t rule out the possibility that the source was Jon Voight – a man who makes a habit of haplessly burbling on about whatever happens to cross his mind at any given point in time – we’re going to ignore it.

So why are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie splitting up? The celebrity magazines have been chucking out reasons for months now – including whispers of fights, infidelities and family squabbles – with the latest one involving Brad Pitt staging a six-hour intervention to try and get Angelina Jolie to seek treatment for depression. All feasible, we suppose, but we think everyone’s missing the bigger picture here.

Remember, Brad Pitt has got a beard that looks like the harrowing results of an ‘eat a bowl of dry pubic hair without using your hands’ competition gone horribly wrong. That in itself is grounds for divorce, surely. For the love of God, won’t somebody think of the children?

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Daniel Edwards is a weird art-perv. In fairness, most art is based on someone being a perv.

The Venus de Milo is the voyeuristic peerings by a man staring at a woman coming out of the shower and Tracey Emin‘s tent was a list of all the men foolish enough to bear down on her knuckle shaped skull. So yeah, it’s no surprise that Daniel Edwards likes making art that makes his trousers plump.

Previously, he’s made sculptures of Suri Cruise‘s first turds and a baby crowning out of Britney Spears‘ twat. Now, he’s gazing at Hollywood’s first couple – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

Naturally, a realistic representation that features Brangelina should feature them doing something they do all the time… a timeless pose… something that has already lived in our memories, borne out and tangible. That of course, means an arresting image of Brad bumming Angelina, who just so happens to have a puke-inducing toast rack rib cage and a bird on her shoulder, looking at her featureless, alien waps.

Of course, we can’t chastise a piece of art for not being realistic – Pablo Picasso didn’t exactly make facsimile images of the world. However, as this is hardly surreal, you could easily argue that the artists may as well have got a couple of vagrants off the street, shaved their bodies, got them drunk to the point of listlessness and suspended them in frozen, cartoon-esque quick-drying cement and made them stick their genitals in each other whilst nailing a thrust to one of their shoulders.

It goes without saying that the artists themselves have been flowery about the whole thing and in a statement, boked:

“The ‘Brangelina’ sculpture is destined to exist forever, the way Brad and Angie’s relationship will persist in peoples’ memories. Theirs is the Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton romance of our time. I believe every home in America should become an ‘honorary home’ to our Superstars, in order to connect celebrities and regular people in spirit.”

Spirit in this case, presumably being a case-load of No Frills vodka from Kwik Save.

So there we have it folks. Art and pop-culture colliding head-on to recreate the furious wank-dreams of psychopath, starring a cadaver tomb-raiding the colon of Skeletor’s sister and her massive, formless jugs. Brian Sewell is currently inventing a new emotion to deal with this pus-inducing monstrosity.

This was a guest blog by the mighty Mof Gimmers from Electricroulette. Fact.

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Roseanne Barr isn’t really known for being particularly funny, but this time she’s managed to make us all laugh.

See, there are times when celebrities get angry at other celebrities – they usually mean a few cross words and not much else. We smirk at these times. We enjoy. We forget.

Then there are times when a celebrity unleashes a furious rant at other celebrities – and this is exactly what Roseanne Barr has gone and done, and in whose direction?

Why, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, of course. The easiest of the targets, as we all know too well.

The internet is a wonderful thing – once we would have to wait for weeks or even months to hear of the spats between two sets of people we don’t know and are unlikely to ever meet. Now, thanks to the popularity and ease of use of blogs, we get to know about even the smallest of arguments straight from the horse’s mouth.

Or Roseanne’s mouth, which – let’s be honest here – isn’t particularly horsey. More beastly.

Yes, she who was on that there Roseanne programme has gone and vented her spleen about the king and queen of celebritydom, starting out on estranged grandpappy Jon Voight but soon moving on to Brad and Angie, slating them for their adoption practices, their charity donations and their political opinions – or lack thereof.

Oh, and she’s only gone and included a passage that very much stands out as something a hecklerspray writer would be proud to unleash on the world.

On the other hand, it does make Roseanne seem utterly, utterly mad and throws the whole matter into question. If it were a reasoned and generally normal person making this post then maybe there would be more credibility behind it, but as it stands, it’s a mad old woman being a bit mad and old.

But who cares? It’s a funny rant! And it went a little something like this:

“jon voight your evil spawn angelina jolie and her vacuous hubby brad pitt make about forty million dollars a year in violent psychopathic movies and give away three of it to starving children”

Take into account this is printed verbatim, warts, lack of punctuation and all. But Rosey went on and unleashed this beaut, which has to go down as one of the finest sentences a comedian in the decline of her career has said about two top-of-their-game A listers:

“trying to look as if they give a crap about humanity as they spit out more dunces that will consume more than their fair share and wreck the earth even more. (just sayin’).”

It’s got venom, it’s got righteous fury and – best of all – it’s got a half-arsed, abbreviated semi-withdrawal at the end of it. That’s a sentence of kings, really. It demands respect while spitting out fury. But did it stop there? Did it bollocks. The ex-fake wife of John Goodman was obviously just hitting her (typing) stride:

“do you not know that the african daughter you hold in every picture had parents who suffered and died because of the republican party’s worldwide economic assault on africa over the last few decades since reagan?”

Obviously she went on even more, confusing us just as much as she made us splutter our Coco Pops all over our fancy new keyboard, but the choicest pick has to come from how she signs the post off:

“Ps….it might be good for your asian and african children’s self esteem to know you support a brown man for the leader of the free world.”

We can’t help but be conflicted about the whole thing. On one hand it’s utterly hilarious, on the other she does need to take a step back to take another look, calm herself down and probably have a nap, as she seems a bit cranky.

Either way, Roseanne Barr has amused hecklerspray for the first time in our life – marrying Tom Arnold didn’t count, that was a cheap shot – and that’s got to be worth at least something.

Read the Rest of it Here:

Roseanne’s blog

When Angelina Jolie's impending twins finally spill out, they will likely be accompanied by sunbeams and rainbows.

The whole world waits on edge, listening intently for the double baby-wail emanating from some crummy French town.

Everyone, no doubt, will demand to see pictures – and all magazines everywhere know this.

That's why there's such an intense bidding war going on.

And if you're the mag that offers the most money, you get the pics – along with a strange stipulation.

You could never print the term Brangelina behind your glossy cover again.

hecklerspray has been selling pictures of its kids since way before it was cool. Why, a headshot of our darling Wednesday fetched us almost ten dollars once – almost enough to pay for the two dozen multi-colored barrettes we had to buy for the shoot. We're not bragging about that, we just want everyone to know that financially we're wizzes.

Then celebrity baby pics turned into a fad, and even B-movie background characters tried hocking their spawn.

The golden pony of all baby pics though has got to be the two Angelina Jolie is about to simultaneously spit out while holding Brad Pitt's hand that isn't operating a hospital-room remote control.

So far bidding for them is around the $16million mark. The Pitt-Jolies are no fools. They know exactly how badly magazines want them – and that's why they've declared that contractually, the winning bid can never use the term 'Brangelina' again.

TMZ says:

"A source in the know tells TMZ that one of the conditions of getting the J-P twins' first pictures is that the winning mag is forbidden from using 'Brangelina'. Multiple sources tell us the couple hates the moniker — but no one more than Angelina."

Well, that'd be no loss to us. Our bidding participation ended at the $25 dollar mark, so we'll not be legally obligated to cease with all Brangelinas, but come August 4 we were gonna start referring to them as 'the Booger-lickers'.

It actually sounds good once you to use it in context. 'The Booger-lickers are starring in another movie together,' 'the Booger-lickers are having another French baby,' or 'the Booger-lickers have been voted America's hottest parents by Elle magazine.' See that? It's got zip.

Most of us don't get the reference, it's just something Stu announced at a fairly recent board meeting.