Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
And just when we thought Alex Reid?s career couldn't sink any lower? he announces that he's due to tour the country and strip off in front of hundreds of people night after night.
Fresh from getting engaged to, and talking about wanting babies with, fellow former Celebrity Big Brother alumna Chantelle Houghton, Alex has announced that he's due to star in the play, yes someone?s actually cast him in a play, Wildboyz.
And people say that theatre is too high-brow.
Run for cover! Katie Price (or Jordan if you live in the ’90s) is threatening us all with a new album. Aren’t there war crime tribunals for things like this? Seriously. We need someone like James Bond and some piano wire to sort this, post haste.
We know this because she cruelly asked everyone on Twitter what songs we’d like to hear her singing.
Of course, there were those who asked her to never open her mouth to make any kind of sound ever again, but alas, Price is not a woman who takes no for an answer, as her many, many marriages and babies are testament to.
Here?s some advice. Fashion yourself a miniature love nest in your room, masturbate wrathfully for the next four days, then click the following link.
This link right here.
Yes, that’s right.You physically cannot produce enough paranoia and semen to replicate this video, can you? Well, seeing as you’re all loved out – it is all here, spread out in the This Morning studio. And apparently Ruth Langford?s preferred choice of hair mousse. Whatever. Chantelle Houghton and Alex Reid were never meant to be a couple. This is just a Closer magazine work experience girl typing a caption wrong. This is why communism was ultimately an unsuccessful idea. Most importantly, this is why Katie Price should stop marrying male prostitutes.
Hey everyone, you massive pile of galahs! Pandre Peter Pandre Andre here, and I've been given just enough time by the scummy hoardes at hecklerspray to give something back to you, the people.
That's what I'm all about now. Giving something back. You may have seen my new show on ITV2, that I don't like to talk about, Here 2 Help? That's all about me giving something back as well, to people who are so pathetic and downtrodden that just me giving them one of my special Pandre hugs and lobbing half a ballad at them makes them rise up and walk like Lazarus.
But I don’t like to talk about that show, that’s on every other hour on ITV2. Or talk about how much I love my kids, because I really love my kids. I just want to give some more things back… like tell you how to get a woman to date you!
If the borders of reality and literature were to ever blur by magic and represent members of society, then Peter Andre would be the human equivalent of the Mr. Happy character from the Mr. Men books. You can't pick up a trashy 67p magazine without seeing the ex husband of Katie Price and general lousy pop star slapped across it.
Over on ITV where the bosses are keen to fill their airtime with any old tosh, Andre has been given his own show where he shunts his children around, showing what an adoring parent he is.
Tears literally roll down our cheeks everytime we watch, but we get the impression that the footage will be used as evidence to show he's be a more responsible parent than Katie Price who spends her time running over horses. When Peter Andre isn't kissing bot-bot to the camera, he supposedly has a day job as a singer. Tragically, he's in demand.
Since Catherine Zeta Jones got swallowed up by Hollywood, she stopped being that kinda cute one from Darling Buds Of May and became a husk of a human. It seemed like there was something wrong with her, like Katie Holmes when she married fruitcake Tom Cruise.
Well, turned out there was! No, the Thetans hadn’t mangled her mind with alien talk (well, they might, but there’s nothing much to suggest that currently), rather, it turned out she’s bipolar.
And now she’s got something wrong with her, Michael Douglas – who kept knocking on death’s door for a while not too long ago and is probably a bit put out that his wife is hogging the sickly spotlight – is grinning and all proud of his wife who is approximately a millennium younger than he.
Katie Price aka Jordan is bloody brilliant. Not only is she covered in boobs, has cloven hoofs and a slightly large orange head, she also has a great big gaping hole in the front of her face and sometimes words fly out of it like a perfectly veneered bat cave.
Of course, like any devoted celebrity mother, she keeps her kids grounded and out of the spotlight by putting them directly in front of TV cameras and providing them with several, slightly useless father figures to choose from when they grow up and decide to run screaming from her clutches.
While she’s waiting for the sun’s rays to transform her once and for all into Zelda from Terrahawks, she loves to talk about her sex life and is apparently still shagging her cage-fighting ex Alex Reid with her unholy vag.
