There are close to seven billion people on Earth right now. Stalkers aren’t exactly tripping over each other for fresh victims.

And yet Brady Green still stalked Tyra Banks. He could have tried stalking anyone else – someone who can only articulate their feelings without using a series of preposterous facial expressions, perhaps, or someone who seems pleasant – but no. Brady Green decided to stalk Tyra Banks, and now he’s been convicted.

Alright, technically Brady Green was convicted of stalking, harassment, criminal trespass and attempted aggravated harassment, but that’s only because you can’t be convicted of having dreadful taste in women.

We don’t want to labour the point here, but why would you stalk Tyra Banks? Honestly, why? The way we see it, you’re only going to get one of two responses from her.

Fail in your creepy attempts to woo Tyra Banks and all you’ll get from her is an earful of shrill abuse. Succeed and you’ll be forced to listen to her bleating all kinds of poxy self-help nonsense about how much she values your ability to validate her feelings for the rest of your life. Choosing between the two of them would be like choosing between sandpapering your eyeballs or sandpapering your nutsack.

But, in retrospect, we suppose that stalkers aren’t especially known for their clarity of thought. And that’s why Brady Green deserves our pity. The only crime that Brady Green was guilty of was to be in love with Tyra Banks. Unless you count following Tyra Banks around everywhere and threatening to slash the throat of one of her assistants, because technically they’re also crimes that he’s guilty of. People reports:

Supermodel Tyra Banks’s stalker Brady Green was convicted of stalking, criminal trespass and attempted aggravated harassment Thursday morning at Manhattan’s criminal court. Though the crime carried a possible 90-day jail sentence, Burke did not sentence the defendant to any jail time, instead instructing his lawyer, Jeffrey Berman: “Put Mr. Green in a location where he can thrive. And that location is not likely to be the city of New York.”

A location where he can thrive? What a foolish thing to say. By far the thing that Brady Green is most famous for at the moment is stalking Tyra Banks, so where’s the best place for him to thrive? That’s right, Tyra Banks’s knicker cabinet. Is that really such a good idea? Is it? Because it sounds like a recipe for disaster to us.

Anyway, at least now this stalking ordeal is over for Tyra Banks and she can get on with her life as normal. Obviously by ‘as normal’ we mean ‘presenting the next season of America’s Next Top Model from within the confines of a foot-thick crystal sphere that comes with its own oxygen supply’ but whatever.

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A man purported to be Tyra Banks' stalker has been freed by police a day after getting arrested – but don't worry, because he sounds a bit crap.

Brady Green is accused of constantly leaving phone messages for Tyra Banks, sending her flowers and letters and turning up at her TV studio unannounced. Which, you know, is hardly sending her dildos or drawing threatening cartoons of her.

Worryingly, though, Brady Green is back on the streets after police charged and released him. Obviously the sensible thing would have been to lock him away in a nuthouse because, seriously, we didn't think anyone liked Tyra Banks at all, let alone enough to actually follow her around and stuff.

There's a fine line between being a fan of a celebrity and being a stalker. Ask for an autograph and you're a fan, but ask for a cheek swab so you can try and create little genetic replications of them and suddenly you're a stalker. If you send fanmail you're a fan, but seal the envelope with jizz and you're a stalker. Two lessons we won't be making again, and we'd like to take this chance once again to apologise wholeheartedly to Shakira.

Sometimes a stalker is quite clearly defined, like when they send you boxes of dildos or try to explode airports in your name, but what if someone just sends a few letters and bunches of flowers and phones you a bit and follows you around with a big bag full of magazine clippings of you and letters to themselves chronicling all the various unsuccessful times they've tried to contact you? Does that make them a stalker?

Apparently it does, because that's what one Tyra Banks fan has been doing and he got himself arrested for it, as E! Online reports:

A Georgia man accused of stalking the supermodel chat-show host was arrested last Tuesday after paying multiple unwanted visits to the New York studio that houses Banks' show… Cops were called to the studio and escorted Green off the premises; however, Green was spotted back outside the studio just three hours later. Cops once again returned to the scene, this time making the arrest. Green, who according to the New York Post first told police he was homeless, was charged with two counts of stalking, harassment and criminal trespass. He pleaded not guilty to all three charges in Manhattan Criminal Court the following day and was subsequently released by the judge on his own recognizance.

And it looks like Brady Green's days of stalking Tyra Banks are over, because he'd been hit with an interim restraining order to keep him away from her until his case comes up. And he wouldn't want to get in trouble.

We're no experts but, having watched Tyra's eccentric crackpot style of hosting of America's Next Top Model, we can't for the life of us work out why anyone would want to stalk her – unless of course they're conducting a scientific experiment to see what happens when someone as weird as Tyra Banks comes face to face with someone as weird as someone who'd want to stalk Tyra Banks. If that's the case, it's a good job Tyra and Brady never met – it'd probably open some hellish space/time wormhole that'd destroy the world or something.

Anyway, Brady Green didn't deserve to meet Tyra Banks because he obviously went about stalking Tyra Banks all wrong. Flowers and letters are for idiots – if you want Tyra Banks to like you, you just need to tell her that you don't think she's very fat. Forget meeting her, she'll probably want to get married to you after that.

Read more:

Alleged Tyra Stalker Back on Streets – E! Online