Hey! You know who is so sexy it hurts? No. Seriously. So sexy that every alluring move of any body part results in absolute agony? Yeah. That sexy. Really violently sexy. Eruptingly sexually sexy?
Bradley Cooper!
Yeah. You thought we were going to say Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt or George Clooney didn’t you? You may have even thought about the amazingly gormless looking Ryan Gosling. BUT NO! Sexier than all of those put together, sexier than a French accent, sexier than a well-lit porn film is Bradley ‘Sexiest Man On Earth’ Cooper! Who-per?
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Imagine the fun you could have standing over Renee Zellweger and Sandra Bullock while they both sit before each other, taking it in turns to cry and do their best impression of melancholy. Just imagine!
Well, that’s what has been happening as Renee took her peculiar face to Bullock’s house and let all the water fall out of it.
They probably said things like “men are so not worth it”, before toying with the idea of some sorrow induced mock-lesbianism, but never actually getting round to it because neither actress has any sort of sexual allure or prowess. As such, they probably watched a film and ate cheap Chinese food from those cartons you’ve seen in films.
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Renee Zellweger, a woman who looks as though she has a tiny black hole at the centre of her face which is slowly drawing all her features together, has this week been seen out of her house on her own despite being a celebrity!
Being at our core, a gossip site, we too will manage to drag a few hundred words out of a woman going to get something to eat but without bringing you the gawdy pictures of her taking down an antelope and rending it limb from limb before roaring at the assembled paparazzi.
Okay. We might have made that part up but it’s a damn-sight more exciting than a story about yet another Hollywood actress splitting up with yet another Hollywood ‘super-hunk’ in an event that is no more remarkable than seeing ‘Spray editor Mof Gimmers nipping down to the shop to buy milk and getting distracted by kicking a puppy to death.
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The A-Team is like Mr T himself: It may look and sound ridiculous, but it just works – sort of.
Believe me, I really did not want director Joe Carnahan’s (Smokin’ Aces, NARC) movie revamp of the popular 80s TV show to work. It is an awful thing to admit, but I was actually looking forward to saying some nasty things about it.
That’s because to me The A-Team is more than just a rubbish children’s show in the 80s – it was a childhood obsession. Messing with The A-Team is like messing with my childhood. They were the 80s’ equivalent of the Fab Four. Every boy my age dreamt of being a Hannibal, a BA Baracus, a Face or a Murdoch.
Why I wanted to be a mental patient I am still not entirely sure about, but you get the idea.
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Jennifer Aniston’s co-stars have every right to be scared. Star in a film with Jennifer Aniston and one of two things will happen.
Number one – you’ll do an Owen Wilson and attempt suicide. Number two – you’ll end up getting romantically entangled with her. We honestly couldn’t say which one of these sounds worse.
Luckily Bradley Cooper didn’t have this dilemma – he’s reportedly having it away with Jennifer Aniston, possibly right now. In fact, Bradley Cooper is being called Jennifer Aniston’s new Brad Pitt – so we’re especially looking forward to the moment where he leaves her for someone younger and prettier.
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