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Brad Pitt

The Art of Punching Above Your Weight, Starring Billy-Bob Thornton

by Ian Dransfield

The king of punching above his weight has attempted to strike another blow for weird-looking men everywhere. Yes, Billy-Bob Thornton has made claims that Angelina Jolie may come crawling back to him at some point, once she’s done with her relationship with that Brad Pitt character. We’re not sure when that will be, mind, as [...]

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Angelina Jolie’s Slave Has Evil Media-Deceiving Twin

by Shawn Lindseth

It’s been a long couple of weeks for Angelina Jolie. Not only has she given birth to twins (one of them with the spine on the outside), but she’s also uncovered a previously unknown breed of dinosaur in her new French backyard, and her food cravings just before birth caused her to break through a bakery’s glass window pane and eat the little man she found in there frosting cakes.

Except for the man she ate none of that’s true, of course, but it really doesn’t matter. If Angelina’s assistant has free reign to invent stories for the press than so do we. Or should we say her fake assistant.

Yes, Jolie’s got some woman posing as her assistant going about issuing press statements construed primarily of falsehoods and deceit – that’s where the recent untrue news Jolie gave birth in France came from.

Such horrific lies! Now that’s our kind of woman.

It’s been a long couple of weeks for Angelina Jolie. Not only has she given birth to twins (one of them with the spine on the outside), but she’s also uncovered a previously unknown breed of dinosaur in her new French backyard, and her food cravings just before birth caused her to break through a bakery’s glass window pane and eat the little man she found in there frosting cakes. Except for the man she ate none of that’s true, of course, but it really doesn’t matter. If Angelina’s assistant has free reign to invent stories for the press than so do we. Or should we say her fake assistant. Yes, Jolie’s got some woman posing as her assistant going about issuing press statements construed primarily of falsehoods and deceit – that’s where the recent untrue news Jolie gave birth in France came from. Such horrific lies! Now that’s our kind of woman.
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Angelina Jolie Thuds Out Those Unborn Babies Of Hers

by Stuart Heritage

Hoist the flags and sound the trumpets – Angelina Jolie has either given birth to twins or farted really, really loudly!

Reports are flooding in that Angelina Jolie has given birth to twins in France. However, right now nobody seems to know how unpregnant Angelina Jolie actually is because, while the reports are mostly convincing, it appears that Angelina has given the twin girls vaguely sensible names. And if we know Angelina Jolie, we know that she’d rather stab a baby in the face than give it a name that she hasn’t just made up from a random combination of letters on a whim.

Anyway – Angelina Jolie! Babies! Birth! Let’s go!

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We Know The Gender Of Angelina Jolie’s Pregnant Stomach-Children

by Shawn Lindseth

We heard of a woman once who was pregnant, and two weeks into her second trimester her doctor realised it was just with a cantaloupe she’d swallowed whole some months before. It sat idly in the belly because her stomach juices made it swell too big for her intestinal track.

Needless to say she delivered by cesarean and both mother and melon are doing well. The younger of the two is reportedly in kindergarten right now – and having considerable trouble learning to count.

We heard of another lady that once pooped out a handgun.

What we’re getting at here is if you’re a woman and you find your belly sick and swollen, you can never tell what’s inside you. Except for Angelina Jolie. She knows for a fact what’s in her – gender and all.

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Angelina Jolie’s Chubby Ankles Spark Pregnancy Health Scare

by Paul Sorrenti

Voluptuous skeleton Angelina Jolie and boyfriend Bradley Pitt considered making an emergency landing as they flew to Los Angeles from the set of his latest film.

That kind of makes it sound like they were flying the plane themselves; they weren’t, but feel free to imagine they were.

Hecklerspray imagines that they were flying the plane because the pilot got so shocked, being in the company of their resistless-sexiness, that he had a heart-attack and, as they were the only two on board, Brad the slightly more male, Brad is forced to take the wheel, looking sexy as he does so, whilst Angelina tries to regain her composure, looking sexy as she does so then, as they realize they literally have no idea how to fly a plane, hurtling toward a mountain peak, they rip each others clothes off and synchronise their climaxes with the horrific explosion.

But no; it were just a swollen ankle injury that got swollener in the sky.

Voluptuous skeleton Angelina Jolie and boyfriend Bradley Pitt considered making an emergency landing as they flew to Los Angeles from the set of his latest film. That kind of makes it sound like they were flying the plane themselves; they weren’t, but feel free to imagine they were. Hecklerspray imagines that they were flying the plane because the pilot got so shocked, being in the company of their resistless-sexiness, that he had a heart-attack and, as they were the only two on board, Brad the slightly more male, Brad is forced to take the wheel, looking sexy as he does so, whilst Angelina tries to regain her composure, looking sexy as she does so then, as they realize they literally have no idea how to fly a plane, hurtling toward a mountain peak, they rip each others clothes off and synchronise their climaxes with the horrific explosion. But no; it were just a swollen ankle injury that got swollener in the sky.
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Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie’s Kids All Hate Each Other

by Stuart Heritage

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have easily got the most beautiful family on Earth, and that’s the way it’ll stay until Zahara has clawed out Shiloh’s eyeballs and stomped on them.

Yes, that’s right – all of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s kids hate each other to pieces. Literally to pieces – it’s like living with a gaggle of midget Naomi Campbells.

According to reports, Angelina Jolie’s adopted brood have started a flurry of three-on-one attacks on her biological daughter Shiloh Nouvel. But Angelina likes nothing more than a fair fight, which is why – rather than the twins everyone expects – Angelina Jolie is actually gestating two fully-armed mecha-warriors from the future up her vagina to help level the playing field. To level it with plasma cannons.

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Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie Wedding: Officially Booty-Cheddar

by Stuart Heritage

The world wants Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to get married so badly that it’ll pretty much believe anything.

Like that Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie wedding that was supposed to have taken place in New Orleans on Saturday, for example. You know, the one that never happened.

Star magazine, which claimed Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married on Saturday, has now admitted that the whole report was a bunch of cobblers all along. The Pitt/Jolie non-wedding is pretty much good news for all sorts of reasons, though. Not only will it allow for another furiously inept media scrum the next time Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie don’t get married, but – girls – this means that you can start kidding yourselves that you have a shot at Brad Pitt again! Exciting!

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Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Getting Married! Once They’ve Stopped Fighting!

by Stuart Heritage

Reports of a wedding between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are always on and off – but now the wedding is definitely on. Unless it’s off.

Apparently Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been planning a wedding for some time now, which would be great, except for the giant screaming tantrums they keep having at each other because they can’t agree on where to have it.

According to Star magazine, Brad Pitt wants the wedding to take place in New Orleans, while Angelina Jolie would prefer to have it in France. There’s an obvious compromise to all this, of course – Brad and Angelina should meet in the middle, right in the centre of the Atlantic ocean, 1,500 miles out to sea. We’ll even provide the concrete shoes if they ask us nicely.

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Angelina Jolie/ Jennifer Aniston Punch-Up: A Miserable Let-Down

by Stuart Heritage

Low-key nominees, strike-wrecked scripted banter – honestly, the only thing about the Oscars we were excited about this year was the thought of Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston clawing each other’s eyes out in public.

And it didn’t pissing happen.

Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston were due to come face to face at an Oscars party for the first time since Brad Pitt ditched one for the other. But Angelina Jolie avoided the clash by doing what we in the trade like to refer to as ‘pussying out’. Sad for us, but imagine how Jennifer Aniston feels – she’s spent the last month solidly pumping iron to get ready for the encounter. And she never even got to use that fleet of specially-trained winged monkeys, either.

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Brad & Angelina: Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt Is One Of Us! One Of Us!

by Stuart Heritage

The whole world, whether it’s ready to admit it or not, wants to be part of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s family so much it hurts.

And here’s the best part – given that Angelia Jolie now adopts children faster than the global birthrate, eventually we’ll all be absorbed into the Jolie-Pitt rainbow army. True, Angelina will force us all to change our names to something like Kakapow Flubnub to fit in with the others, but it’ll be worth it.

Until that day, though, we’ll just have to watch Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s last adopted son Pax Thien with quiet admiration, because he’s just formally become a Jolie-Pitt. He’s our tiny Vietnamese hero.

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