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Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt Duffed Around By His Own Security

by Stuart Heritage

Brad Pitt doesn’t have many requirements when choosing security – it’s nice if they’re physically intimidating and it helps if they know who Brad Pitt is.

Because if they don’t, there’s quite a big chance that something weird will happen. Something like the events of Monday night, in fact, when – at a preview of his new film The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button – Brad Pitt was grabbed and shoved around by a security guard who mistook him for a photographer.

Although manhandling the star you’ve been hired to protect at his own movie preview in a venue covered with several giant posters of his face might seem like the mother of all etiquette violations, we can’t really blame the security guard here. After all, Brad Pitt had grown a moustache for the preview, and therefore the guard probably thought he was being bumrushed by Private Walker out of Dad’s Army.

Brad Pitt doesn't have many requirements when choosing security - it's nice if they're physically intimidating and it helps if they know who Brad Pitt is. Because if they don't, there's quite a big chance that something weird will happen. Something like the events of Monday night, in fact, when - at a preview of his new film The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button - Brad Pitt was grabbed and shoved around by a security guard who mistook him for a photographer. Although manhandling the star you've been hired to protect at his own movie preview in a venue covered with several giant posters of his face might seem like the mother of all etiquette violations, we can't really blame the security guard here. After all, Brad Pitt had grown a moustache for the preview, and therefore the guard probably thought he was being bumrushed by Private Walker out of Dad's Army.
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Jennifer Aniston On Angelina Jolie: Essentially “WOOOARRRGH!”

by Stuart Heritage

Jennifer Aniston isn’t someone you mess with, unless you enjoy four years of nothing followed by one sentence in a magazine.

Just look at Angelina Jolie. She wronged Jennifer Aniston in the most hurtful way possible, by stealing Brad Pitt from her on the set of Mr & Mrs Smith, and now, several years later, Jennifer Aniston has decided that she’s spoiling for a fight. In the new issue of Vogue, Aniston has described Angelina Jolie as “really uncool.”

These words are bound to upset Angelina Jolie, especially since Jennifer Aniston wasn’t even talking about the Brad Pitt thing – instead she was describing Angelina’s Dunlop trainers, 1980s adoption of the failed Betamax video system and her abiding love of the music of Jamiroquai. Lord knows how Angelina Jolie will react to this – chances are she’s going to write the word ‘SKANK’ on Jennifer Aniston’s geography coursebook or something.

Jennifer Aniston isn't someone you mess with, unless you enjoy four years of nothing followed by one sentence in a magazine. Just look at Angelina Jolie. She wronged Jennifer Aniston in the most hurtful way possible, by stealing Brad Pitt from her on the set of Mr & Mrs Smith, and now, several years later, Jennifer Aniston has decided that she's spoiling for a fight. In the new issue of Vogue, Aniston has described Angelina Jolie as "really uncool." These words are bound to upset Angelina Jolie, especially since Jennifer Aniston wasn't even talking about the Brad Pitt thing - instead she was describing Angelina's Dunlop trainers, 1980s adoption of the failed Betamax video system and her abiding love of the music of Jamiroquai. Lord knows how Angelina Jolie will react to this - chances are she's going to write the word 'SKANK' on Jennifer Aniston's geography coursebook or something.
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Angelina Jolie Will Marry Brad Pitt Just To Shut The Kids Up

by Stuart Heritage

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s attitude to marriage is simple – only gay marriage or Jennifer Aniston being really narked off will allow it.

Or at least that’s what we thought. Now, as part of her confusing ‘go against everything she’s ever said, done or thought’ promotion for The Changeling, Angelina Jolie has admitted that she will inevitably get married to Brad Pitt, but only to stop her children from pestering them for a wedding.

It just goes to show how persuasive a small army of multinational children can be. If they can make Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married, just think what else the Jolie-Pitt kids could achieve if they harnessed their pester power properly. They could even aim for the impossible. You know what we mean – if they all work in unison, they could convince Angelina Jolie to make a film that doesn’t stink like acorpseful of turds for once.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's attitude to marriage is simple - only gay marriage or Jennifer Aniston being really narked off will allow it. Or at least that's what we thought. Now, as part of her confusing 'go against everything she's ever said, done or thought' promotion for The Changeling, Angelina Jolie has admitted that she will inevitably get married to Brad Pitt, but only to stop her children from pestering them for a wedding. It just goes to show how persuasive a small army of multinational children can be. If they can make Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married, just think what else the Jolie-Pitt kids could achieve if they harnessed their pester power properly. They could even aim for the impossible. You know what we mean - if they all work in unison, they could convince Angelina Jolie to make a film that doesn't stink like acorpseful of turds for once.
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W: Now With Babies Chomping On Angelina Jolie’s Knockers

by Stuart Heritage

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie moved to Europe partly to escape the slavering media attention they have to deal with all the time in America.

That should be applauded – it’s easy to forget that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are real people. As such they need to protect their privacy with as much vigour as they possibly muster. There are some things that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have to keep for themselves, and we should respect that.

Unless, you know, Angelina Jolie’s got a new film coming out, in which case it’s perfectly OK for Brad Pitt to take a picture of her with a baby’s mouth clamped around the end of her boob and then sell it to W magazine for cash as a covershot. That’s right kids – those Angelina Jolie breastfeeding photos you’ve been anticipating with equal horror and arousal are finally here.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie moved to Europe partly to escape the slavering media attention they have to deal with all the time in America. That should be applauded - it's easy to forget that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are real people. As such they need to protect their privacy with as much vigour as they possibly muster. There are some things that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have to keep for themselves, and we should respect that. Unless, you know, Angelina Jolie's got a new film coming out, in which case it's perfectly OK for Brad Pitt to take a picture of her with a baby's mouth clamped around the end of her boob and then sell it to W magazine for cash as a covershot. That's right kids - those Angelina Jolie breastfeeding photos you've been anticipating with equal horror and arousal are finally here.
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Stop Everything Now: Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Return To USA

by Stuart Heritage

Hey, everyone! Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have arrived in America for the first time since the birth of their twins!

This is very important news, and we’ll tell you why soon. Anyway, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie arrived in New York for the first time since the birth of their last children so that Angelina can promote her new movie The Changeling.

We said we’d tell you why it was so important that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were returning to America, didn’t we? Well, alright, we will – it’s important because, um, well, Brad Pitt is, um… and Angelina sort of… no. We’ve got nothing. Literally nothing. Maybe they left the gas on or something. We genuinely couldn’t care less.

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Brad Pitt Hurls All His Money At The Gays

by Stuart Heritage

Brad Pitt is a gay-friendly actor, partly because of his understanding and support of the gay community, and partly because he got his bum out in Troy.

And now the gay community needs Brad Pitt more than ever. Remember how the gay marriage ban was overturned in California recently? Well, that might be overturned soon, and the gay community is worried about the proposed overturn of the overturn. That’s why Brad Pitt has donated $100,000 to fight the overturn. Not because he’s sensitive to gay issues, but because he’s sick of everyone saying the word ‘overturn’ all the poxy time.

So, having fixed Africa, New Orleans and now civil unions between homosexuals, Brad Pitt can move onto tackling his most serious issue yet – the way that sometimes you buy a CD and the teeth that are supposed to hold the CD in place have broken and the CD slides about all over the place. We’re with you all the way, Brad.

Brad Pitt is a gay-friendly actor, partly because of his understanding and support of the gay community, and partly because he got his bum out in Troy. And now the gay community needs Brad Pitt more than ever. Remember how the gay marriage ban was overturned in California recently? Well, that might be overturned soon, and the gay community is worried about the proposed overturn of the overturn. That's why Brad Pitt has donated $100,000 to fight the overturn. Not because he's sensitive to gay issues, but because he's sick of everyone saying the word 'overturn' all the poxy time. So, having fixed Africa, New Orleans and now civil unions between homosexuals, Brad Pitt can move onto tackling his most serious issue yet - the way that sometimes you buy a CD and the teeth that are supposed to hold the CD in place have broken and the CD slides about all over the place. We're with you all the way, Brad.
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Burn After Reading Burns Weekend Box Office (After Reading)

by Stuart Heritage

The Dark Knight had better watch out – come Oscar time the whole world’s going to be in a randy froth about Burn After Reading.

No wonder Burn After Reading is top of the weekend box office today – just look at the pedigree. An Oscar-winning actor, an Oscar-winning actress and the world’s biggest celebrity starring in a movie by the most recent winners of the Best Director and Best Picture Oscars. In fact, never mind the weekend box office – Burn After Reading should be gold-plated and put on God’s mantlepiece forever.

It probably won’t be, because in fact Burn After Reading looks like the sort of self-consciously wacky nonsense that’d go straight to DVD if the Coen Brothers didn’t direct it. But, hey, you can’t argue with a number one spot at the US weekend box office – that’s the Bangkok Dangerous spot, after all.

The Dark Knight had better watch out - come Oscar time the whole world's going to be in a randy froth about Burn After Reading. No wonder Burn After Reading is top of the weekend box office today - just look at the pedigree. An Oscar-winning actor, an Oscar-winning actress and the world's biggest celebrity starring in a movie by the most recent winners of the Best Director and Best Picture Oscars. In fact, never mind the weekend box office - Burn After Reading should be gold-plated and put on God's mantlepiece forever. It probably won't be, because in fact Burn After Reading looks like the sort of self-consciously wacky nonsense that'd go straight to DVD if the Coen Brothers didn't direct it. But, hey, you can't argue with a number one spot at the US weekend box office - that's the Bangkok Dangerous spot, after all.
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Jennifer Aniston Has Dinner With Brad Pitt! Dinner! Possibly!

by Stuart Heritage

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston may have had a secret dinner together, so you know what this means – Jennifer Aniston actually eats stuff. Weird.

According to reports, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston met up in secret during the Toronto Film Festival, where Brad Pitt is promoting Burn After Reading and Jennifer Aniston is promoting her recent break-up with John Mayer or a new haircut or something. Seriously, we haven’t bothered to check.

Anyway, this Brad Pitt/ Jennifer Aniston dinner might not have happened – in fact, it’s more likely that Brad and Jennifer went to great lengths to studiously avoid each other – but let’s report the dinner as fact anyway. That way we might anger Angelina Jolie enough to stop thumping out a baby with a stupid name every couple of minutes. We’re doing you a favour, really.

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston may have had a secret dinner together, so you know what this means - Jennifer Aniston actually eats stuff. Weird. According to reports, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston met up in secret during the Toronto Film Festival, where Brad Pitt is promoting Burn After Reading and Jennifer Aniston is promoting her recent break-up with John Mayer or a new haircut or something. Seriously, we haven't bothered to check. Anyway, this Brad Pitt/ Jennifer Aniston dinner might not have happened - in fact, it's more likely that Brad and Jennifer went to great lengths to studiously avoid each other - but let's report the dinner as fact anyway. That way we might anger Angelina Jolie enough to stop thumping out a baby with a stupid name every couple of minutes. We're doing you a favour, really.
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Brad Pitt Briefly Mentions Twins, Everyone Literally Goes Mental

by Stuart Heritage

Brad Pitt should be busy promoting his new movie, but he’s not because he said four words that sent the entire world into a giant dribbly tizzy.

“The twins are fine.” That’s it. That’s what Brad Pitt said. The four most important words ever spoken by a human being. “The twins are fine.” Thank god, Brad Pitt has finally grown enough balls to publicly admit that the twins – while not ecstatically happy with their lives – are at least free of any major diseases, abnormal growths or traces of profound clinical depression.

That’s provided that Brad Pitt was talking about his two newborn baby twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline, of course. He might have been discussing The Proclaimers. We honestly can’t be bothered to check.

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Matt Damon Has Another Kid: Hasn’t Sold it Out Yet

by Ian Dransfield

Matt Damon has gone and done that thing where he gets a woman pregnant and she shoots out his spawn a few months later. Had a kid – that’s the one. We even told you about the pregnancy, as we’re nice. This newest one brings his tally up to three of the little blighters, meaning [...]

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