There are currently three schools of thought regarding Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. One is that their marriage is in trouble.

The second is that their marriage is fine. The third – the school we subscribe to – goes like this: shut up about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie shut up shut up shut up make it stop make it stop oh God why won’t you make it stop shut up.

So, to clear up the rumours for good, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have spent an evening smooching for photographers in Cannes. Which theory did this prove? All of them, technically.

Over the years, we’ve come to expect a lot from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – be it their continued smash-and-grab trolley dash of an adoption strategy, or the birth of The Most Beautiful Human On Earth, or – at the very least – a relentless, petty dismissal of Jennifer Aniston‘s worth as a human being.

But lately Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have given us none of this. They haven’t even instructed their bodyguards to rough up some photographers in a fit of power-crazed Roman Emperor-style bloodlust lately. Honestly, it’s like the fight’s gone out of them.

However, if you read any of the one-word weekly women’s magazines like Heat or Look or OK or Guff or Clodge or Spaz or Gurrrrrrr, then you’ll know exactly why this is – it’s because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are splitting up. No, really, they are. They’re definitely splitting up because they work too hard and Brad Pitt’s parents still like Jennifer Aniston and one of them wants more kids and the other one doesn’t and they’re definitely splitting up. You know, just like how they were definitely splitting up in 2006.

In truth, nobody knows if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are splitting up. And this is down to the simple fact that if you are in any way personally affected by the private life of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie then you deserve to have your genitals smashed into pulp with a hammer to stop you spreading your inherent stupidity down to future generations.

But despite this, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have spent an evening in Cannes awkwardly snogging like a couple of socially-incompetent 13-year-olds at a school disco, just to prove that they can still just about stand each other. The Sun reports:

At the aftershow party they gave every impression of togetherness but there appeared to be awkwardness between them. They sat together and Angie put her hand on Brad’s thigh yet he is seen looking away and appears distracted. Then at one point Brad looked as if he went to kiss his partner – and she seemed to pull away.

So what does this mean? Were Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie making a hamfisted stab at romance in an attempt to prove their detractors wrong? Or did the glare of the world’s press simply ruin their mojo? If you ask us – and you should – then our timely and scholarly response would be this: shut up shut up shut up stop going on about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie all the titting time shut up shut up look we’ve got our fingers in our ears we can’t hear you LALALALALALALA shut up shut up.

Which, we think you’ll find, is fairly comprehensive.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!