Look at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Look at them. Have you ever seen a couple more obviously in love?

Think carefully before you answer that. Because, should you suggest that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie aren’t in love, they’ll sue you. They’ll sue you just like they’re suing the News Of The World, which last month reported that Brad and Angelina were on the brink of a split. This means that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are together and happy and that they’ve never been so in love.

That said, we do have our suspicions. Does Angelina Jolie really love Brad Pitt? After all, he has got a beard that makes him look like he rubbed glue onto his face and then performed cunnilingus on a succession of hairy Mongolian pensioners. We’d find it difficult to love someone with a beard like that. That’s all we’re saying.

A lot of people are bound to be disappointed that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie aren’t splitting up. For example, it means that Madonna will no longer be able to sneak in and buy up all of their children for a knock-down rate. And Jennifer Aniston won’t get to bob up and down in Brad Pitt’s eyeline, constantly winking and pouting at him like a faulty Jim Henson puppet in an attempt to win him back. And Brad Pitt himself won’t shave off his beard to increase the chances of him landing a new girlfriend, which will be a disappointment to everyone who owns a working set of eyes.

But there’s nothing we can do about that, because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie definitely aren’t splitting up. And, what’s more, they’ll sue anyone who says they are. A couple of week ago, the News Of The World claimed that Brad and Angelina were splitting up, and had consulted a divorce lawyer even though they’re not actually married.

Because of this, the rumour mill then went into overdrive – claiming that Angelina was depressed and that Brad had cheated and that Brad had bought a batcave for himself and that Angelina was going to rebound by purchasing a new baby from Uzbekistan and naming it Xanax Bibble. We may have made one of those up. But, anyway, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were so outraged by the report that they’ve decided to sure the News Of The World. The LA Times reports:

“The News of the World has failed to meet our clients’ reasonable demands for a retraction of and apology for these false and intrusive allegations which have now been widely republished by mainstream news outlets,” a lawyer working for the couple in London said in a statement. “We have advised them to bring proceedings, which they have now done.”

And, just to prove that the report was nothing but lies, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie turned up to the Super Bowl together on Sunday and conspicuously smooched all the way through it. Some are claiming that this was just a PR stunt on their part to divert everyone’s attention from the gaping cracks in their relationship, but we’re not so sure. They seemed fairly convincing and, having seen several films starring Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in our time, we know that ‘convincing’ isn’t something either of them achieve very often.

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That’s it. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have definitely split up. Definitely. There’s incontrovertible proof.

What? A confirmation? A formal confirmation of the split by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie themselves? Don’t be silly. But we don’t need a formal confirmation when we’ve got proof this watertight – Brad Pitt has just bought a house. A house with a cave attached.

And, yes, look, we know that Brad Pitt has bought several homes in the past, and none of the previous ones seemed to signal a romantic split from Angelina Jolie of any kind, but you’re missing the big picture here. This one has a cave. A cave, damn it! Remember when you spent $700,000 on a house with a cave last time you split up with your girlfriend? This is EXACTLY THE SAME THING.

You’ll notice that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have yet to formally respond to this weekend’s reports that they’re about to split up. This means one of two things. Either a) Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie aren’t splitting up and they refuse to dignify these obviously fabricated reports with a response, or b) they hate each other so much that they can’t discuss the wording of the response without angrily smashing crockery over the other one’s head.

However, signs aren’t good. This week a celebrity magazine declared that Angelina Jolie had a vodka-fuelled affair with her dialect coach from Salt, even though she didn’t actually have a dialect coach for Salt. And, worse still, it turns out that Brad Pitt has just spent $700,000 on a house with a cave in it. What does this mean? Well, let’s run through the options:

1) Brad Pitt likes architecture and found the property fascinating from a design perspective.

2) Brad Pitt knows that, despite the recession, property still remains a solid investment.

3) Brad Pitt hates Angelina Jolie so much that he rushed out and bought the first house he could find, just so it meant not having to look at her stupid idiot face for any longer than he absolutely needed to.

4) Brad Pitt is going to become a superhero, tasked with the burden of saving Hollywood from the creeping shadow of crime. Buying the cave was stage one of this plan; part two will involve convincing the local police commissioner to flash a silhouette of a grotty beard into the sky at the first flash of trouble.

But, as far as The Daily Mail is concerned, it definitely means that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie properly hate each other’s guts:

Brad Pitt has secretly purchased a bachelor pad to help him sort out his split from Angelina Jolie, it was reported yesterday. ‘The house oozes character,’ said a source. ‘Brad has had his eye on it for some time but he decided now was the right time to buy. He needs somewhere quiet that doesn’t have memories of Angie and where he can be alone and think about what he does next.’

That said, we’re still not convinced. We still need to see some concrete proof before we believe that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie really are done for – like if Angelina Jolie goes and buys some cushions or a hat stand or something. Then we’ll know.

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There are currently three schools of thought regarding Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. One is that their marriage is in trouble.

The second is that their marriage is fine. The third – the school we subscribe to – goes like this: shut up about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie shut up shut up shut up make it stop make it stop oh God why won’t you make it stop shut up.

So, to clear up the rumours for good, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have spent an evening smooching for photographers in Cannes. Which theory did this prove? All of them, technically.

Over the years, we’ve come to expect a lot from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – be it their continued smash-and-grab trolley dash of an adoption strategy, or the birth of The Most Beautiful Human On Earth, or – at the very least – a relentless, petty dismissal of Jennifer Aniston‘s worth as a human being.

But lately Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have given us none of this. They haven’t even instructed their bodyguards to rough up some photographers in a fit of power-crazed Roman Emperor-style bloodlust lately. Honestly, it’s like the fight’s gone out of them.

However, if you read any of the one-word weekly women’s magazines like Heat or Look or OK or Guff or Clodge or Spaz or Gurrrrrrr, then you’ll know exactly why this is – it’s because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are splitting up. No, really, they are. They’re definitely splitting up because they work too hard and Brad Pitt’s parents still like Jennifer Aniston and one of them wants more kids and the other one doesn’t and they’re definitely splitting up. You know, just like how they were definitely splitting up in 2006.

In truth, nobody knows if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are splitting up. And this is down to the simple fact that if you are in any way personally affected by the private life of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie then you deserve to have your genitals smashed into pulp with a hammer to stop you spreading your inherent stupidity down to future generations.

But despite this, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have spent an evening in Cannes awkwardly snogging like a couple of socially-incompetent 13-year-olds at a school disco, just to prove that they can still just about stand each other. The Sun reports:

At the aftershow party they gave every impression of togetherness but there appeared to be awkwardness between them. They sat together and Angie put her hand on Brad’s thigh yet he is seen looking away and appears distracted. Then at one point Brad looked as if he went to kiss his partner – and she seemed to pull away.

So what does this mean? Were Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie making a hamfisted stab at romance in an attempt to prove their detractors wrong? Or did the glare of the world’s press simply ruin their mojo? If you ask us – and you should – then our timely and scholarly response would be this: shut up shut up shut up stop going on about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie all the titting time shut up shut up look we’ve got our fingers in our ears we can’t hear you LALALALALALALA shut up shut up.

Which, we think you’ll find, is fairly comprehensive.

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