That’s because, ladies, we’re sorry to admit that George Takei has got married. Your dreams of Mr Sulu appearing at your doorstep on a white steed to whisk you away to a life on unparalleled luxury are worthless now, because this weekend George Takei got married to a very lucky lady by the name of Brad Altman.

Huh, Brad Altman. That’s a funny and oddly-masculine name for a lady to have. In fact, looking at George Takei’s wedding pictures, his new wife bears an uncanny resemblance to a balding grey-haired man in his mid-fifties. Poor woman. Still, she must be great in the sack to snag a pussy-magnet like George Takei, so who are we to judge.

Oh, alright. Look, we know George Takei is gay. How could he not be? His most famous, career-defining role was as an overdramatic spacemen who wore campy, brightly-coloured unitards – and we all know that everyone who does that is clearly as gay as can be. Everyone. Everyone.

But before he announced his homosexuality to the world a couple of years ago, George Takei had managed to do a pretty incredible job of fooling the world, by living in perfect happiness with his boyfriend for over 20 years. Fiendish, fiendish man Takei.

However, you can’t say that of George Takei any more, because he no longer lives with his boyfriend. No, now George Takei lives with his husband, because he and Brad Altman got married last night in a Buddhist ceremony in Los Angeles so perfect that not even an unexpected slick of Lieutenant Uhuru’s disgusting conjunctivitis gunge could derail it. People reports:

“All I can remember is what the priest said,” Takei told PEOPLE after the ceremony. “That this moment will never happen again. It’s something to savor.” “I was fighting back the tears,” said Nichols, who played Uhura on the Star Trek series. “But they came oozing out anyway. I’m so happy that they’re both able to legally proclaim their commitment to one another after spending the past 21 years together.”

We’re sure that George Takei and Brad Altman will love married life because, as demonstrated when they announced their engagement, the two of them are in love. Completely in love. The kind of love that makes everyone who’s not them secretly wish they one of them would fall down a hill and shatter their pelvis, just because it’d make them shut up about how much they love each other, if only for a second. It’s sweet, really.

But anyway, as well as being a lovely ceremony between a loving couple, George Takei’s marriage to Brad Altman also had a deeper meaning. No, not that civil partnerships between loving homosexual couples can no longer be denied, but that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson can kiss it if they think they can beat George Takei to all the exclusive magazine gay marriage photoshoot cash. Ah, romance.

Which is why everyone should prepare themselves for the holy grail of honeymoon sex tapes. Or, to be more precise, the holy grail of honeymoon sex tapes featuring a 71-year-old Asian man humping his 54-year-old husband with every ounce of strength left in his feeble body. That’s right – George Takei fron Star Trek is getting married!

News of George Takei’s wedding comes hot on the heels of California overturning its ban on gay marriage. And, as happy as we are that George Takei can formalise a relationship he’s had for 21 years, maybe this new law will make it easier for other closeted gay actors to finally come out and stop living a lie. That’s right, Doogie Howser, we’re looking at you.

If you’re a 71-year-old who has to spend most of his free time trundling around awful godforsaken small-town sci-fi conventions answering questions about a TV show you stopped making almost 40 years ago, you could probably do with a little happiness in your life.

And that’s it’s so nice that George Takei – Mr Sulu from Star Trek – is now allowed to get married to his boyfriend of 21 years, Brad Altman. Hot on the heels of Ellen announcing her upcoming marriage to Portia de Rossi, George Takei has also seized on California’s new ruling to overturn the ban on gay marriage and announced his own impending wedding as well. E! Online reports:

“This is something we’ve been passionately committed to, so, no, there’s no cold feet,” Takei told E! News today. Altman proposed last Thursday, shortly after the California Supreme Court struck down a state law banning same-sex unions. “I was planning on asking Brad, but he got down on one knee, and, of course, I said, yes,” Takei said. “I told Brad, ‘You beat me to it.’ “

We know – crazy huh? Who’d have thought that big macho beer-chugging blue collar monster truck enthusiast George Takei was gay. Especially when he goes around posting burly clumps of undoubtedly heterosexual words on his website like this:

For now, Brad and I are enjoying the delicious dilemma of deciding where, when, and how we will be married. Marriage equality took a long time, but, like fine wine, its bouquet is simply exquisite.

Oh, we’re just kidding – of course George Takei is gay. He’s been openly gay since 2005, although he obviously did an exceptional job of hiding his homosexuality prior to that by living with the same man in a loving relationship for almost two decades. Who could have seen through a disguise like that?

Weird how the stars of Star Trek turned out, though, isn’t it? Captain Kirk started pissing crystals, Scotty’s ashes got lost up a hill and now Mr Sulu is marrying a man. The shocks just keep coming. They’ll be telling us that Uhura’s one of those black people next.

Read more:

Star Trek Star Boldly Goes Where Ellen Goes – E! Online