In fact, it’s more or less a guarantee that Anne Hathaway will never experience another second of happiness in her entire life. But not if Ellen DeGeneres has anything to do with it – during an interview with her yesterday, Ellen promised that she’d find Anne Hathaway a boyfriend who didn’t con pensioners for a living.

Rumours that all the boyfriends that Ellen DeGeneres will find for Anne Hathaway are just Ellen DeGeneres in a bowtie are as yet unconfirmed.

We all know that Anne Hathaway has trust issues. If she pins her political hopes on a politician, he’ll end up breaking her heart by siding with the crazy old Jesus-nuts. If she trusts a director when he tells her that he wants her for a blockbuster movie, he’ll end up breaking her heart by making Bride Wars.

And if Anne Hathaway gives her heart to a man, he’ll end up breaking that heart and trying to use the remains as capital in some sort of elaborate Vatican-related Ponzi scheme. And Anne Hathaway needs that heart – it’s the only one powerful enough to pump blood around all the different parts of her big face.

But if there’s one person who can identify with Anne Hathaway it’s Ellen DeGeneres. She, too, has loved and lost – although admittedly the thing she loved and lost was a puppy. And she lost it on purpose because it kept shitting everywhere. But that’s beside the point. Ellen DeGeneres is on Anne Hathaway’s side, and that’s all that matters.

Ellen DeGeneres is so on Anne Hathaway’s side, in fact, that she’s made it her own personal mission to find her a boyfriend. And, hey, forget that Anne Hathaway already sort of has a boyfriend a bit anyway – Ellen is going to find her a real man. A real man like Rosie O’Donnell.

OK, not like Rosie O’Donnell at all. But here’s the San Francisco Chronicle with more:

During Hathaway’s appearance on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show,” the host tells the actress: “If you need someone, I will find you a boyfriend. I’m really good at it.” A red-faced Hathaway replies, “Did you see how nervous I just got?” DeGeneres adds, “You don’t even have to date. You can go straight to commitment.”

Now, admittedly, that’s a bit of a gamble. Ellen DeGeneres isn’t exactly consistent when it comes to picking romantic partners for herself, so Anne Hathaway shouldn’t hold her breath – while it’s perfectly feasible that Ellen would pick Anne someone 10,000 leagues above her, like she managed herself with Portia De Rossi, there’s also a pretty good change that she’d end up trying to set her up with lunatic berserko with an alter-ego named Celestia who’s the half sister of Jesus and can talk to aliens. Anne Heche, in other words.

And if that all falls through, there’s always us. We’re much better than Anne Hathaway’s last boyfriend. We’d never dress up as a priest and defraud the elderly. True, that’s because dressing up as the devil and defrauding the terminally ill has proven more effective for us. But let’s not split hairs. Call us, Anne.

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So Jennifer Aniston wasn’t taking any chances when it came to her Marley And Me premiere recently. Although she’s going out with a boy who looks like her nephew, Jennifer Aniston wanted to make damn sure that she wouldn’t go to her premiere alone.

That’s why Jennifer Aniston reportedly got her agents to find some famous actors who’d act as her standby boyfriend if John Mayer dropped out. And, to be fair, they’d all probably be more convincing than John Mayer.

This is a tough month for Jennifer Aniston. Not only is she breaking her back to promote a movie that’s basically Beethoven with all the rough edges smoothed off, but she knows that her movie opens on the same day as The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, the film by her ex-husband Brad Pitt.

To make it harder, Brad’s film is being spoken of as a serious Oscar contender, while Aniston’s film is about a funny dog who poos everywhere. And, to make it harder still, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are currently locked into a kind of high-stakes death-spiral battle for publicity. If Brad Pitt talks about his kids, then Jennifer Aniston has to pretend she wants kids. If Brad Pitt talks about Angelina Jolie, then Jennifer Aniston has to whap her boobies out in a magazine. It’s endless.

But at least Jennifer Aniston got a moment of respite at the Marley And Me premiere recently, where she could totally be herself without even having to think about Brad Pitt. Unless, of course, her on/off boyfriend John Mayer split up with her beforehand, in which Jennifer Aniston planned to hyperventilate on the red carpet, hunch into the foetal position and whimper “Oh God no, oh God no, I’m so alone, I’m so very alone” in front of the world’s media.

Or, as a rumoured Plan B, Jennifer Aniston would just get her agents to set up a hokey relationship with whichever unfortunate Hollywood actor happened to nearest at any given moment in time. The LA Times reports:

According to the New York Post, during their split, Aniston’s camp was shopping for a potential date because poor Jen “did not want to be single when her movie opened… A friend of her agent was calling around asking for young men whom they could set her up with,” a source told the N.Y. Post. But the attempt to find a replacement for Mayer failed and — as if by magic — Mayer and Aniston got back together.

Now, OK, yes, if that’s true it does sound toe-curlingly embarrassing for Jennifer Aniston – but it happens all the time in Hollywood. Even Brad Pitt does it. Admittedly instead of getting a friend or his agent to ring round a bunch of actresses and plead with them to pretend to be his girlfriend for one night, Brad Pitt just found a stable partner to mother his children and share his life with. But, you know, it’s close enough.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter how true this rumour is, because Jennifer Aniston will see this story as a victory anyway. It’s accomplished her two prime directives in life – firstly it’s got her name in print again, and secondly it draws attention away from the fact that she’s made a rubbishy-looking film about a dog. Congratulations, Jennifer!

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But he’s not. He’s really not. Miley Cyrus has been on the radio in America defending her alleged new boyfriend Justin Gaston to the hilt, claiming that he’s ‘awesome’ and a ‘really great Christian guy’. And what Miley Cyrus says, we have no option but to believe. Justin Gaston, you’re awesome and a really great Christian guy and we apologise for thinking wrongly of you.

And the fact that on the same day as Miley Cyrus’ interview, pictures were leaked onto the internet of Justin Gaston rolling around on the floor in his underwear with an unidentified woman and giving the camera the finger? Well that’s just awesome and Christian too. We hear that Jesus did a very similar thing once himself, actually.

These days it seems like the thing that teenage girls need to worry most about is church guys getting them pregnant. Actually, the ‘these days’ bit of that last sentence was a bit misleading since God, the original church guy, managed to knock Mary up when she was about 14 years old. High five to God, there, the big omnipotent pervert.

But these days it seems to happen a little bit more often. Who got Jamie Lynn Spears pregnant? A church guy. Who got Bristol Palin pregnant? A church guy. And who does Miley Cyrus appear to be going out with? That’s right, a church guy. That poor girl’s a timebomb.

Lately 15-year-old Miley Cyrus and her 20-year-old underwear model chum Justin Gaston have been inseparable. You can’t say that Justin Gaston is Miley Cyrus’ boyfriend because he’s five years older than her, she’s a child and it’s icky. But you can point out that they never stop hanging out, that they have a shared fondness for being photographed in their pants and that Miley Cyrus’ dad Billy Ray Cyrus has already publicly given his approval to Justin.

So, you know, Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston are more or less boyfriend or girlfriend, but it’s all unconfirmed. It has, however, been heavily alluded to by Miley Cyrus herself during an interview with Ryan Seacrest yesterday, as E! Online reports:

“Everyone started judging us as soon as we started hanging out…  I’ve learned just not to judge anyone and go into our friendship with an open mind and not really worry about the age or anything. He’s a really great Christian guy, which is awesome.” But did she admit they’re actually dating when she was grilled by Ryan? “Maybe, maybe not,” the Hannah Montana star giggled.

And, yes, so what, Miley’s endorsement of Justin Gaston as a great Christian guy might have come at the exact same time that several photos of Justin Gaston larking around inappropriately in his underwear hit the internet. That doesn’t mean anything.

After all, innocently exploring your sexuality in photo-form is just a perfectly natural part of growing up. And so is using your relative maturity to trick teenage millionaires into falling in love with you, then getting them pregnant, marrying them, divorcing them and taking half of their money. But that’s something that we’ll probably get to in the next couple of months.

And, of course, that was Justin Gaston – the 20-year-old undercracker model who might very well be Miley Cyrus’ special and conspicuously older boyfriend. It’s not really a surprise that Justin Gaston didn’t go to Miley Cyrus’ birthday party – he’s too old for Disneyland and was probably doing something cool like riding a motorbike or drinking cider at a bus stop or something.

But Miley Cyrus’ dad Billy Ray Cyrus doesn’t mind. He’s heaped praise on Gaston despite his no-show. And so would you too, if you knew that pretending to enjoy the fact that your little girl is probably in some kind of relationship with a full-grown man was the only thing stopping said little girl from financially abandoning you the second she turns 18.

The big Miley Cyrus 16th birthday party in Disneyland on Sunday had just about everything you could wish for. Fireworks, thrill rides, celebrities, a short set by Miley Cyrus herself, the profoundly depressing realisation that you could work 24 hours a day for the rest of your life and still not earn what Miley Cyrus does in a month and – in Billy Ray Cyrus’ performance of Achy Breaky Heart – a couple of minutes to sneak off to the toilet.

But Miley’s party did lack one thing, and that was romance. We’re going to put that down to the absense of Justin Gaston – the fully-grown underwear model who Miley Cyrus seems to have developed some sort of romantic attachment to.

Now, we know what you’re thinking. The reason that Justin Gaston didn’t go to Miley Cyrus’ birthday party is because, prior to the party, Billy Ray Cyrus took him to one side and threatened to smoosh his skull into goo with half a brick if he even so much as thought about touching his special little daughter, but that’s not the case at all.

Actually it turn out that Billy Ray Cyrus is quite the fan of Justin Gaston. We already knew that he introduced Justin to Miley Cyrus, but he’s followed that up with even more effusive praise. Fox News reports:

“He is a great guy, a really talented guy,” Billy Ray said of Gaston, adding that he is great company for his daughter.

That’s not very comprehensive, Billy Ray Cyrus. Do you think you could back that up with another statement? Perhaps one that’s completely out of touch, has nothing to do with Justin Gaston and seems to bewilderingly paint yourself as some kind of world-healing Jesus figure?

“It’s our family going full circle. Being here with these fans is an appropriate way to celebrate. It’s the fans that our show is all about. It’s what our music is all about. Touching people’s lives worldwide and these are the people right here.”

OK, that’s better. Thanks.

Anyway, it’s not hard to see why Billy Ray Cyrus and Justin Gaston get along so well. They both love country music, for example, and they’re both Southern-born, God-fearin’, rootin’-tootin’, tobacco-chewin’ rednecks cowboys. Plus they’re roughly the same age, obviously.

And, what’s more, it must really take the heat off dealing with your girlfriend’s new boyfriend to know that no matter what filthy, depraved stuff he gets up to, he’ll never quite be as creepy around her as you are.

But not if you’re Billy Ray Cyrus. If you’re Billy Ray Cyrus then your 15-year-old daughter will never introduce you to her 20-year-old underwear model boyfriend. That’s because if you’re Billy Ray Cyrus, your 15-year-old daughter is Miley Cyrus and it’s you who’ll introduce her to the aforementioned 20-year-old underwear model.

That’s right – it turns out that Billy Ray Cyrus is responsible for hooking Miley Cyrus up with her new, much older, mostly naked boyfriend Justin Gaston. Normally we’d suggest that Miley Cyrus’ ex-boyfriend would be feeling pretty inadequate because of this, but given our suspicion that Miley Cyrus’ ex-boyfriend was actually Billy Ray Cyrus anyway, we’ll probably just leave it.

We’re going to let you into a little secret. We always thought that Billy Ray Cyrus was a little bit stupid. Maybe it was his awful haircut, or maybe the way he consistently mispronounced the word ‘lips’ as ‘layps’ when singing Achy Breaky Heart, or maybe even our possibly imagined fondness of his for wearing leather waistcoats with nothing underneath. We just don’t know.

But we were wrong. Billy Ray Cyrus isn’t stupid at all. Billy Ray Cyrus is a red-hot progressive. You can tell that just by the way he’s raised Miley Cyrus.

For instance, when Miley Cyrus split up with whichever one of The Jonas Brothers she was with, Billy Ray Cyrus yelled “Don’t worry honey, he was just a boy. I’ll find you a MAN!” and ran off to try and find a nice-looking 20-year-old stud with morals loose enough to allow him to take payment from standing around in his knickers all day to ease his little girl’s broken heart.

And that’s how Justin Gaston came to be. You see, when we reported yesterday that Miley Cyrus had a much older boyfriend, we assumed that Billy Ray Cyrus would be furious. But he’s not, because he was the one who set the pair of them up. OK! reports:

Allen Osborne, says Billy Ray thinks very highly of Justin. “He doesn’t drink. He doesn’t smoke. He’s a very up-and-up guy.” {A source said] “Miley and Justin were really playful with each other. And for being with her parents, they were extremely touchy-feely. Miley had her hands on Justin’s stomach. They definitely seemed like a couple. Her parents really gave them space.”

You see, Billy Ray Cyrus has nothing to worry about. Just because Justin Gaston is legally an adult whose girlfriend is legally a child, he doesn’t drink or smoke so nothing funny’s going to happen. And it’s not as if Miley Cyrus knows anything about sex anyway, is it? She hardly goes around bragging of her love of Sex And The City while posing in a series of risque photos on the internet, is it? Oh…

Also, we’re sure that Billy Ray Cyrus’ acceptance of Justin Gaston has absolutely nothing to do with Miley Cyrus being the primary breadwinner in the Cyrus household and having enough money to have her dad kidnapped and beaten if he ever voices an opinion on her love life. Nothing at all.

In fact, 15-year-old Miley Cyrus has got quite the wishlist when it comes to her boyfriends. Firstly you can’t be intimidated by Miley Cyrus’ fame and wealth. Secondly you have to be as gormlessly God-fearing as she is. And thirdly, if you’re so much older than her that it’s a little bit creepy and you use your body as a sexual object for a living, then that’s great too.

So, with that in mind, say hello to Miley Cyrus’ new boyfriend – he’s Justin Gaston, he’s 20 years old and he’s an underwear model. If this hasn’t ended in tears by this time next year, then we’re afraid we’ll have to go away and question everything we thought we knew about the universe.

There was always one girl at school with a boyfriend who was much older than her, wasn’t there. And he was always a bit creepy looking, covered from head to toe in coldsores, had a logic-defying speech impediment, smelt like dirty petrol and was basically an episode of Jeremy Kyle in the making.

Now, we’re obviously not comparing Miley Cyrus to the girl from school just because she’s got an older boyfriend. That would be ridiculous. Miley Cyrus doesn’t even go to school.

But apart from that, who knows. You see, Miley Cyrus has found love with a chap called Justin Gaston. And it seems like they’re still at that adorable stage where they’re just finding out their differences. For instance, Justin Gaston is old enough to vote and Miley Cyrus isn’t even old enough to drive, Justin Gaston has brown hair and Miley Cyrus’ hair is closer to auburn, Justin Gaston is an adult and Miley Cyrus is a child. You know, stuff like that. It’s romantic.

But despite all these many, many superficial differences, Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston do share a couple of very important things in common. Firstly, their love of music is profound and almost spiritual and if flows throw them like the essence of life itself. And secondly, they both love jigging around in their pants for photographers.

Miley Cyrus you know about – she’s worn an inappropriately small amount of clothes on the cover of a glossy magazine and more internet photos than you can shake a stick at. But Justin Gaston does it just as much, too – he’s an underwear model, you know.

How has Billy Ray Cyrus responded to the news that his 15-year-old little girl has started seeing a 20-year-old who never wears any trousers? Simple – he’s dragged everyone down to church, as People reports:

On Sunday, Justin Gaston, a model and aspiring country singer, attended church in Pasadena, Calif., with the Hannah Montana star and her family. According to Cyrus’s rep, Gaston, 20, is “a friend from Nashville… He’s visiting L.A. for the week.” A source close to Miley says, “They’ve been spending a lot of time together while he’s in town.”

Of course church is the best place to take Miley and Justin. Everybody knows that taking your little girl’s older boyfriend to church is the best way to keep everyone on the straight and narrow. Unless your daughter is Jamie Lynn Spears or Bristol Palin, that is, but let’s ignore them.

We will say one thing to Justin Gaston, though – don’t you dare go round playing with little Miley Cyrus’ heart. Not because we’re worried that you’ll upset her, you see. It’s just, if you do, she’s easily rich enough to have you killed.

No one ever thinks that last one is for real, so the answer is always ‘yes’. But, a poor hotel worker man has to look that question square in the face now that he is dating Heather Mills, and she’s rather delighted about it all.

Yay! It’s a rare night when we aren’t tossing in turmoil over Heather Mills’ happiness.

Heather Mills isn’t just an activist for defenseless edible creatures, or a former model especially popular with the seeing-impaired demographic, but she’s also, of course, Paul McCartney’s ex-wife, who was awarded a paltry £24 million in the divorce.

She’s also a woman that screeches like a banshee when she gets upset, but that doesn’t mean she’s not looking for love.

So, we submit to you, the impartial jury, what man would not want to get with that? What man? Every single man anywhere ever, actually, except for this one guy, Jamie Walker.

No, you don’t know him, and neither do we. The only reason you should care is that six months from now when you hear about a new reality show coming out featuring Heather McCartney and her man-accessory picking our dressy prosthetic legs for a forthcoming charity auction, you’ll have a vague recollection of him, and it will bring you fond memories of us, as well as save you an internet search.

Anyway, Heather dug him up at the Tenerife Hotel she was staying at with her unfortunately-named daughter, Beatrice. This Jamie character is pretty much the exact opposite of Paul McCartney. He’s 36 years old, brawny, muscular, hasn’t been a member of The Beatles, and reportedly doesn’t have two coins to rub together between shifts handing out towels to rich divorcees at the pool.

It appears Heather isn’t put off by his lack of fortune, though. She knows what’s really important: his rockin’ bod. A so-called “friend” of Heather’s had this to say:

“Heather is completely infatuated with Jamie. He is a gym junkie and Heather has been boasting his body is so much fitter than Paul's.”

In other news, this year’s Master of the Obvious award goes to Heather Mills for her poignant observations between the physique of her 66-year-old ex, and her current 36-year-old hunk of man candy. We will re-broadcast her acceptance speech once we have slowed it down and lowered the pitch so that dogs aren’t the only ones who can hear it.

You name it – singing, acting, humanitarian work, naming her children, breathing – you can guarantee that whatever Geri Halliwell does it’ll annoy the shit out of you. And that’s fine for us to say. It’s not like we’re Geri Halliwell’s boyfriends or anything, we don’t have to like her.

Geri Halliwell’s boyfriend, though, is supposed to like her. So it’s a shame, as Dietpixie reports, that Geri annoys him just as much as the rest of us:

Apparently, Ginger Spice goes through a punishing two-hour daily workout every day to stay in shape. But this is starting to grate on new bloke Ivan Velez, who despite being a professional dancer just doesn’t understand why Geri Halliwell devotes so much time to it. A friend of the couple said: “Ivan is extremely fit but does not dedicate his life to body-toning the way Geri does. He complains that her house is like a boot camp. Geri has been involving him in stretching sessions after her rigorous routines and has made him go on long bike rides and early morning runs.”

Of course that’s annoying. He’s a man. It’s annoying enough when your girlfriend makes you take the binbag out, but it’d be nothing compared to being forced to ride a bike all over the place. And that, in turn, would be nothing compared to being forced to ride a bike all over the place by Geri Halliwell. Ugh.

Anyway, what’s all this about Geri ’staying in shape?’ Did you see that last Spice Girls video? She looks like 20 walnuts and a roving hernia wrapped in veiny clingfilm. We’re not even sure that is a shape, to be honest.

Read more:

Geri Halliwell’s fitness obsession really annoys her new man – Dietpixie

First her father Emilio dies suddenly of pneumonia at 58 years young – a truly traumatic experience that no daughter should have to go through.

It’s in times like these we turn to the ones that love us the most for support; our family; our friends; our dashingly handsome Glaswegian boyfriend called Gerard Butler.

Oh, no, wait – screw that last one, because it turns out he’s left her to mourn here alone. And as we cry away a river of pain, the uncaring media report sightings of him publicly tonguing some Z-list TV celebrity.

Fucking men!

Stories are never black and white though and for all we know Cameron could just be a supremely irritating person to be around now.

Especially now Gerard’s left her, which has multiplied the mourning.

“Oh, I don’t want to have sex right now, my dad’s dead, waaah waaah”. If you were as handsome as Gerard Butler, could you put up with that? We only live once – as Emilio’ll testify – can we really be expected to dilly-dally around with upset loved-ones?

The mourning could go on for months, years even! And when you stop to consider there’s six million sperm as sought-after as Gerard’s, all of them eager to burst into the world, can we really blame him?

Of course we can, he is utter scum – unless he isn’t.

According to the Mirror:

“While Cam mourned her dad, the PS I Love You star was seen swapping saliva with Cheryl Burke – a pro on US TV show Dancing With The Stars.The couple were fawning all over one another at a bash thrown by US Weekly mag at Beso restaurant in LA. We’re told: ‘He was in the VIP section when Cheryl came up to him. After some banter he gave her a passionate snog in front of everyone’.”

Cheryl Burke – didn’t she used to present Record Breakers? What’s he thinking? We’d put up with a lifetime of Cameron mourning if the alternative was shagging that has-been – even if Kriss Akabusi was geeing us on from the sidelines, which he almost certainly would be.

Actually, who are we kidding, that would be amazing. There’s nothing like a motivational talk from Kriss Akabusi to help maintain an erection. Alwiigght!

So can we really blame Gerard for his philanderings? Let us not forget either that Gerard is playing a sloppy second to Justin Timberlake, officially the world’s greatest lover (it says so in all his songs).

So, although on first look it seems that Gerard Butler is a horrible human being, when you think about how irritating Cameron could be right now, multiplied by the opportunity to get some Kriss Akabusi voyeurism in your world, to-the-power-of Justin Timberlake’s ubercock, it all adds up to, well – only the most mental mathematician could find an accurate answer to that.

We’ll just have to make the educated guess that he’s probably a bastard.

Read More -Hollywood actress Cameron Diaz splits with Gerard Butler – Mirror

In a relationship? Valentine's Day will make you grumble about spending £1.70 on a card. Single? Valentine's Day will make you feel worthless and unloved. Bai Ling? Valentine's Day will make you steal magazines and batteries to the value of $16 from an airport store before you're caught and arrested.

Bai Ling – star of no good films ever – was arrested for shoplifting on Wednesday, and she blames it on splitting up with a boy right before Valentine's Day. Makes sense – sometimes the only things that can mend a broken heart are some celebrity magazines and batteries to the value of $16.

We've never really written about Bai Ling before, but that's because we weren't even sure if she qualifies as a celebrity. Yes, Bai Ling may have been in such cinematic masterpieces as Wild Wild West and Taxi 3 - which cinematically puts her up there with Dame Helen Mirren – but, well, we've just never really seen the point of her other than a funny a haircut and the slight idea that she looks a bit dirty.

And then Bai Ling went shoptlifting for some rubbish items and blamed it on a boy who made her sad. Welcome in, Bai, welcome in.

Apparently Bail Ling was due to fly from LA to Albuquerque for a film on Wednesday, but she was collared by a gift shop employee for trying to leave without paying for two celebrity magazines and two packets of batteries. True, it's not quite as decent airport entertainment as wetting yourself or vomiting champagne all over the place, but it's a start.

However, we shouldn't look upon Bai Ling's arrest as a bad thing, because we have much to take from it. Firstly, she looks on the verge of tears in her mugshot, which is a refreshing departure from arrested celebrities looking all adorable, and secondly, Bai Ling has the universe's best excuse for the arrest, as E! Online reports:

The 37-year-old actress and scenester exclusively tells E! News that she split with her new boyfriend Wednesday before she was scheduled to fly from LAX to New Mexico to begin shooting a film, turning it into an "emotionally crazy" day for her. She was dealing with the "huge problem of breaking up [before] Valentine's Day" when she was arrested for shoplifting, Ling said, adding, simply, "Wrong boyfriend."

It's actually quite sad, really, and we wish our emotionally-detached hearts were more like Bai Ling's, and that the visceral pain of a break-up could only be soothed by wandering into a gift store and trying to hamfistedly nick a bunch of stuff. So, yes, Bai Ling has our pity.

Enough pity to make us watch one of her films? No. We're not fucking mental.

Read more:

Bai Ling Blames Bust on Breakup - E! Online 

How wrong we were – it turns out that Jessica Alba is also pretty good at ferocious anger, too. Apparently pregnancy hormones have sent Jessica Alba so mental that she keeps throwing her boyfriend Cash Warren out of their house.

At least Jessica Alba is blaming it on the pregnancy hormones, but she should be more honest – if we'd let a man called Cash knock us up we'd be pretty bloody livid too.

Smart girl, Jessica Alba. She knows that she can't be the only pregnant celebrity on the scene, or – thanks to Halle Berry – the most ridiculously swollen pregnant celebrity. But Jessica Alba can be the most needlessly talkative pregnant celebrity.

Even though she's only been pregnant for about five minutes, Jessica Alba has announced her pregnancy, declared how much she enjoys being pregnant, expressed her fear of breastfeeding and remarked on what lovely big boobies she's got. And now it's time for Jessica Alba to explain her hormonal rage in forensic detail.

Jessica Alba, you see, has kicked her boyfriend Cash Warren out of their house twice now. AHN reports:

"I think I threw him out of the house twice already since I've been pregnant. He's like, 'Are you just pregnant? I hope you're just pregnant and acting crazy,' and I'm like, 'It has nothing to do with that.' Little things make me so mad. He calls five minutes later than he said he was going to. You get so emotional when you're pregnant, and so irrational. It's totally dumb."

But while it's easy to put her dysfunctional behaviour down to a surge of pregnancy hormones, Jessica Alba might be affording it a bit too much of the blame. Because this whole 'kicking out and getting back together' thing isn't limited to her pregnancy – Jessica Alba dumped Cash Warren a month or two before he knocked her up. At this rate we'll be surprised if they even lasted until Easter.

But forget that, because Jessica Alba is barrelling through the pregnancy side-effect list so quickly that she's going to run out of stuff to blab about by the time she finally gives birth. So what next? An interview dedicated solely to all the haemorrhoids that have started jutting out of her anus? A press conference about the exact dimensions of poo that got evacuated in the last stage of labour?

Well, this is Jessica Alba we're talking about, so yes. Both of those things.

Read more:

Jessica Alba Admits To Kicking Boyfriend Out Of House – AHN 

According to reports, Britney Spears split up with Adnan Ghalib after angrily accusing him of only being with her to boost his career. Ludicrous, we know – we all knew about Adnan Ghalib for months before this Britney Spears malarkey because, um, no wait, sorry, we were thinking of Abu Ghraib. Crossed wires. Sorry.

Anyway, let's feel sorry for Britney Spears – we really thought that this time she'd found everlasting love with that creepy guy who makes his living by stalking Britney Spears with a camera.

Whatever area of Britney Spears' life you look at, you're sure to find a dirty great mess. Professionally? A half-arsed comeback performance and some equally half-arsed promotion for an album that sounds like it was performed by the speech program on an Amiga 500 have kicked that in the head.

Personally? Britney's family is too busy looking after her pregnant schoolgirl sister to pay her any attention, she's been banned from even seeing her own children – and now Britney Spears has split up with her boyfriend Adnan Ghalib too, leaving her with nobody to cry and babble and shriek at. What's a girl to do?

According to The Mirror, this is why Britney Spears finished with Adnan Ghalib:

Britney Spears has dumped Brit photographer lover Adnan Ghalib after furiously claiming he was exploiting her to boost his career. The break-up is so bitter she is alleged to have taken out a restraining order against the Brummie. Pop wreck Britney, 26, is fuming that she has been conned into appearing in photos for his paparazzi agency.

We're particularly upset about Britney Spears splitting up with Adnan Ghalib because we honestly thought that he was the one. He's certainly been the most high-profile of Briney's post-Federline boyfriends, easily blowing that bloke she puked over out of the water and knocking that man who says he filmed himself having sex with her into a cocked hat.

We don't know about you, girls, but Adnan certainly ticked all our boxes. He's tall, rich, has a speaking voice eerily similar to that of Adrian Chiles, and is prepared to shop naked pictures of his girlfriend around high-profile media outlets for his own financial gain. And Britney Spears split up with him? Britney Spears is an idiot.

But, really, how could a relationship between Britney Spears and a member of the paparazzi ever survive? It's exactly like Romeo and Juliet, only a version where Romeo makes his living by crouching down on pavements hoping that he'll be able to take a picture of Juliet getting out of a car without any knickers on and Juliet has a disturbing history of threatening to kill people with the same job as Romeo, and attacking their cars with umbrellas, and releasing singles exclusively about what a bunch of shits all of Romeo's colleagues are. But aside from that, it's probably identical.

And, yes, Romeo and Juliet does end with a suicide. So, like we said, probably identical.

Read more:

Britney Spears dumps Brit photographer Adnan Ghalib – Mirror 

Well, OK, they're not strictly naked Britney Spears pictures, because Britney's wearing a T-shirt. But it's a wet T-shirt. Well, it's soggy. Slightly damp. OK, so an Australian magazine has basically just bought some pictures of Britney Spears in a slightly damp T-shirt. Happy now?

After everything she's been through – the fighting, the room-barricading, the stretcher-strapped hospital visit, the psychological tests, being banned from seeing her children, all that nonsense with Dr Phil – Britney Spears is probably at her lowest, weakest and most hopelessly vulnerable at the moment. 

So, hey, who's for some naked Britney Spears pictures?

The internet, as it's sometimes prone to be, is awash with stories that Britney Spears' paparazzo boyfriend Adnan Ghalib has been snapping all kinds of naked Britney Spears pictures with the intention of selling them to a British tabloids for $5 million. That'd be great – naked popstar pictures are the very reason why the internet was invented – but for three problems:

1 - We've all seen pictures of Britney Spears' naked vagina anyway.

2 - As such, most people would rather sandpaper their eyes than look at naked Britney Spears pictures these days, and

3 - They aren't actually naked pictures of Britney Spears, or anyone else.

What they are, apparently, are pictures of Britney Spears in a soggy T-shirt sucking a lollipop. And you're right to involuntarily shudder with dread, because the Britney Spears pictures are supposed to be so awful that nobody has even come close to reaching the asking price for them.

Apparently the 'naked' Britney Spears photos were eventually licensed to an Australian magazine for a measly $57,000 – roughly what Britney Spears earns in two and a half days.

So that's it. Looks like it was all nothing more than a false alarm. It's probably just as well that they weren't nude Britney Spears photos, because we had the sandpaper in our hand and everything, and we weren't going to be talked down this time.

Read more:

Britney Spears nude photos sell for $57,000 – Showbiz Spy