Palaeolithic megastar Madonna says she wonders what it would be like to be truly ‘loved’. By ‘truly loved’ she doesn’t mean by her legion of overly-loyal fans but by someone with something to lose.

The 53-year-old’s sudden interest in love and human emotion comes as she is marketing her new directorial outing ‘W.E.’ and is not in any way a cynical attempt to garner some headlines for a film that has flown pretty much under the radar up until now.

It’s very important to remember that. These are deep, meaningful emotions from a deep and meaningful woman.

Ms. Ciccone directed and co-wrote the film which chronicles Edward VIII’s romance with American divorcee Wallis Simpson for whom he abdicated the throne in 1936, leaving the far more successful screen king George VI to take over. Thank God he did otherwise Colin Firth might have a significantly smaller trophy cabinet right now.

Still, Madonna is more interested in the pair’s deep love affair, rather than the widely negative reviews that the film has been garnering.

“When she says ‘I wonder what it was like to have been loved that much?’ I think I probably said that to myself.”

Madonna need only read the comments on any of our articles about her to know how much she is loved by a mindless shower of keyboard-mashing imbeciles but she goes on to say;

“Men want power and they will kill to have it. If you look back in history, how many wars have been waged to win the throne? And here’s a man who walked away from that for love. And so for a romantic like me, I would say: ‘Wow, to be loved like that!’ And Wally feels the same way – she wants to be loved like that.”

Poor Madonna doesn’t seem to be getting an adequate level of adoration from her dancer boyfriend. We’re not going to do that ‘gossip writing’ trick of saying how old he is to imply that she’s a cradle snatcher by the way. That’s not who we are. We’ll just say it. He’s 30 years her junior. It’s approaching a Hugh Hefner level of creepiness, that one.

Anyway, Madonna has great respect for the power that King Edward (latterly the Duke of Windsor) gave up to be with Ms Simpson. The star identifies with his actions.

“What Edward gave up was huge, monumental, but I also don’t think that he realised that when he abdicated he was never going to be allowed to come back into the country. I’ve been asked many times if I would give up everything for love. And I think it’s important to understand that with love, and in all relationships, you have to give up something.”

Like a country. Or a career. Or, in the case of her divorce from Guy Ritchie, someone to tell her that her new film was shit. Thankfully though, she didn’t give up on her dream and her negatively reviewed new film W.E. opens in cinemas on Friday. After all, the interview wasn’t done so that she could pour her heart out to the Radio Times, was it?

Aren’t we all lucky people right now? Frankie Cocozza is off the streets for the next few weeks so we can all get over that bad bout of crabs that we can’t seem to shift, Adele has a new boyfriend so we might not have a song that isn’t the worst sort of melancholic bollocks available and Lady Gaga has promised us a new album appearing sometime this year.

She doesn’t have name for it yet, and even if she did, we wouldn’t find out about it until she cryptically posted a video entitled ‘le title prologue’ or whatever bollocks language she thinks is so vogue right now, or has all the World’s press stepping on her toes, dying to get the slightest piece of information out of her tightly wound lips.

And we don’t mean the ones that’s-a on her face.

The subject theme of the album is heavily under wraps, but she’s united the hipster cocks of Downtown New York and all affected gay teens that want everyone to know they’re gay under one merry banner, so who’ll be added to Gaga’s army of Little Monsters? Transsexuals? Unpleasant shop workers? Koalas? Who knows? Well Gaga knows (we hope).

We don’t even have any information about what sort of things she will be including on her album, but a country threeway with William Shatner and Barbra Streisand probably isn’t going to be in there. Unless Gaga the Benevolent wants to throw the only man brave enough to captain the Enterprise against Khan Noonien Singh a bone.

She’s done it before, but do we honestly think that all the pop-slags drinking WKD purple and other such things would have been wearing bows made out of hair if she didn’t do it? Or things with shoulder pads?

Lady Gaga has a lot to answer for, but until extra clauses are put into the Geneva Protocol prohibiting the use of awful synths as methods of Warfare we might never get the answer to those questions. That’d be a great afternoon at The Hague wouldn’t it?

So a new Gaga album is almost imminent. Listening to it won’t be consensual, you’ll feel grubby and dirty afterwards, but the sooner it’s finished the better. Much like sex with Frankie Cocozza. The dirty hair rapist.

Oooh, that Lady GaGa is weird isn’t she? She loves letting us all know how weird she is. Or is it needy? We can’t tell the difference anymore. It’s the fault of emo kids. They turned being odd into a lifestyle choice and now we’re all confused. No. Not that kind of confused.

Not that you care. This is not about us. You want to know about Lady GaGa.

See, G’gaa left, reportedly, “large amounts of blood” in a hotel bath. Is it some Satanic ritual? Did she have a particularly nasty period? Is she really terrible at shaving her legs and back? Let us investigate!

So, Our Lady Of The Gaga shocked a bunch of criminally underpaid staff when she checked out a swank London hotel. They discovered a pool of red liquid in the bath-tub of her suite.

One housekeeper claimed the pop superstar was…

“bathing in blood as part of a Satanic ritual”.

The chances of the truth being as interesting as that are regrettably slim. Either way, the staff member told website Truthquake:

“Lady Gaga left large amounts of blood in the suite during a stay this summer. The incident was reported to the concierge, who was told to put it out of her mind.”

Someone else said:

“All of the hotel’s staff are convinced she was bathing in it or, at the very least, using it as part of one of her new costumes or weird stage routines.”

Yep. She was probably washing her meat-dress in the bath because no-one would dry-clean it for her, for fear of bringing it back medium-rare.

Naturally, this isn’t the first time GaGa has hammed it up with the kooky business. She’s previously spent £30,000 on Electro Magnetic Field detectors to see if she’s being haunted by a dead aunt. She’s apparently had a team of paranormal investigators do hourly sweeps of hotels she’s been at as she’s terrified of evil spirits.

It’s getting wearisome now isn’t it? Hurry up and release a half decent record already!

Lady Gaga is the ideal woman for… well… most gay men in the world. Apart from those who think she’s cynically milking the gay purse for all it’s worth. Of course, there are straight people and lesbians who fancy her as well, but all that doesn’t matter.

Bad news for you guys.

See, it appears that GaGa has sidestepped the whole, tired ‘Hur hur, she’s got a penis’ rumours to ‘Hur hur, she’s riding someone else’s penis’ now as she was spotted on a romantic stroll with a Vampire Diaries star. Presumably, they were both wearing crab-claw shoes and sporting hats made from tumble-dryer drums. Just to avoid being conspicuous you understand.

So who is this fanged hunk? Well, it’s the one and only (no, not Chesney Hawkes) Taylor Kinney. Wait. Weren’t they a punky girlband who were really great in the late 90s?

Probably not.

Either way, GaGa, with her underpants made from cobwebs and a bra made out of wistful memories, was spotted tottering around like a parrot on a perch with Kinney in California at Christmas. Christmas in Cali must be rubbish. All that frost and snow killing the man-planted palm trees. Awful.

Naturally, Queen Ga’ has been linked to The Vampire Diaries star before (some unimportant time in summer) after he played her love interest in the music video for her single You And I. Remember? Us neither.

AND NOW! Whoa. Wait ’til you hear this… they were spotted walking with their arms wrapped affectionately around each other. Entwined. AND walking. At. The. Same. Time. Amazing. Those crab shoes will have certainly helped them to walk sideways as they refused to rip their glare from each other’s crying-with-emotion eyeballs.

This is surely the greatest love-story ever told.

Dear hecklersprayers, this article contains information that may ruin your appetite and could even inflict some serious mental damage, distrust of the female nether-parts up to and including the Predator’s face.

Right, with that legal stuff out the way, it’s bad news for all straight men and gay women out there. Susan Boyle is on the look for a suitable mate.

We can’t actually bring ourselves to speak of the hairiest winner of Britain’s Got Talent in a sexual light. It just seems very, very wrong. Like how you wouldn’t want to know about your grandparent’s sex life, or how your mother explains the first time you find a condom in their bedroom. An uneasy, topsy turvy feeling in your stomach makes you want to vomit enough bile to make Example think ‘Jeez, they’re being a bit harsh.’

So, we’re not going to dwell on the unfortunate facts that come with having a first boyfriend; the heated frisson, the ‘do they/don’t they’, the damp patches on her knickers, and instead think of how happy the stubbly singer will be.

Apparently the hirsute honey isn’t short of offers either. Which must make all of you’s with no girlfriend/boyfriend slightly envious. I mean, if a woman approaching the sweaty depths of menopause with natural hair like that can get someone to boff their brains out, what’s wrong with you?

The stubbly siren is ready to settle down with a lovely fella who looks after her and thinks of her in a nice way. Just like what she did for her mother until she died in 2007. And for a few years after that until she decided to audition for BGT and Simon Cowell ditched her corpse in the usual place: under the stage of Red Or Black?

But who would be a good suitor for the closest thing we’ve got to explain the Missing Link in human evolution? Well, she thinks Donny Osmond is good enough for her. Which is going to stress middle aged women the World over. Perhaps they’ll rise up in a Justin Bieber-style army to find Cowell’s pet pig and string her up. Or maybe just pop down to Waitrose for some prosecco before she picks up the kids in the Range Rover.

We think that because Donny Osmond isn’t available at the moment, we could come up with three people who would be perfect for her.

Harry from Harry And The Hendersons

It’s a perfect choice for a hairy mythical beast to be the one that makes an honest woman of Susan Boyle. Both are things of legend. They’re both equally as hairy as each other. And Harry has the Hendersons, who wouldn’t mind another surrogate beast roaming around their house, drinking all the milk and getting up to general mischief.

John McCririck from your nightmares

Tell the truth, having Susan Boyle as a love rival to Booby would make an excellent reality TV show. One can sing Nessum Dorma like no other, and the other is Susan Boyle. Instead of The Bachelor’s rose, McCririck could wipe a freshly picked nose baby on his chosen wife.

Trevor Eve/David Essex/Cliff Richard

Any one of these would be a fantastic addition to the celebrity landscape, and on the other hand, would really irritate all our mothers.

As if you couldn’t have guessed, the bushy babe is telling us all this because she has a new album out soon, and wants people to buy it and listen to her Depeche Mode cover. If she does that by slamming her fleecy face in the papers, then so be it!

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Kanye West’s ex-gal Amber Rose is in all kinds of trouble at the moment after some very, very explicit pictures leaked online. They weren’t the only things leaking. The model has now been dropped by her bookers and Nicki Minaj might be pretty peeved too.

The images show Rose butt-naked apart from some expensive looking shoes and… well… y’know… sticking things inside her. This, of course, hasn’t gone down well at all with her employees.

But what’s Nicki Minaj got to do with anything? And yes. We have the pictures over the jump you filthy swine.

Rose says:

“The company that I was working with no longer wants to work with me because of these pics and that prevents me from getting money to take care of my family.

“”Its a messed up situation when someone so evil comes into ur life and tries to destroy it. I know I’m not the only girl in the world that has taken pics like that but they were very private. I’m sorry for letting my young Rosebuds down.”

If you haven’t seen the VERY GRAPHIC NSFW PICTURES (we did that in caps so you didn’t miss it), then our chums Holy Moly have the pictures, hoarding them like mucky uncles. Click here. Aaand we’ve lost all of our traffic. Fantastic.

It appears someone who worked for her is responsible.

“I trusted someone that worked 4 me & allowed them to use my laptop a million times, I caught this person sending my pics to themselves and I fired this person immediately Wiz & I & both of our families have known about this for 2 months now. We tried to prepare ourselves for this day.

Rose has had to deny that she was sending these photos to Nicki Minaj’s boyfriend. Apparently, Minaj has even caught the pair in a hotel room together! THE SCANDAL!

Rose is keen to point out that she didn’t send them to Minaj’s beau.

“These blogs do nothing but try to ruin ppls lives I DID NOT send pics to anyones boyfriend pls stop with the lies. Its so ridiculous… yall been doing this to me for 3 years now it shld be illegal to write fake stories about ppl the media never wants to see anyone happy.”

Not one of you heard that because you’re elsewhere, still looking at the pictures aren’t you?

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You remember Paris Hilton, don’t you? Come on readers. Try a bit harder. She’s that night vision girl that you’ve seen performing fellatio on a man with no personality. No? She’s tall… blonde… denser than the singularity of a black hole? No? Really? She’s the heir to the Hilton hotel chain and- frankly- if you still don’t remember who she is then you might as well click on the little ‘x’ in the corner of your browser and save us all some trouble.

However, after a year spent only riding one penis as though it’s a disappointed bucking bronco, Hilton and her boyfriend of a year and a half Cy Waits have ”amicably” decided to end their relationship.

Still- no relationship really ends amicably, does it? Sure, you can try to remain friends and make sure that the people closest to you don’t have any sense of awkwardness or worse, feel as though they have to pick sides but regardless of these efforts, someone always comes out of it badly and looking like a petty scumbag.

We wouldn’t normally mention that fact but it’s one that might be worth looking back on when we’re still hearing about every minute detail of this poor bugger’s inadequacy in three month’s time.

The 30-year-old socialite and popstar (or so her publicist would have you believe) has reached the mutual decision with her Las Vegas club owner boyfriend Cy. Yes. Cy. Without looking him up, we’re assuming it stands for Cyrus which proves that getting laid isn’t all about your name.

The couple, who were last week said to be “re-evaluating” their relationship, have supposedly made the decision to part ways because “Cy” can’t cope with Paris’ celebrity lifestyle. According to the hecklerspray lawyers, ‘celebrity lifestyle’ should not be taken as being a euphemism for 64 hour gang-bangs in which Paris is the only person who leaves without any traumatic sense of shame.

According to ‘sources’, “Cy” found it difficult to live his life with her in the spotlight and that’s what caused their split. Ironically, he apparently didn’t realise that going out with a woman who’s famous for being a talentless intellect vacuum might involve a slight invasion of his privacy. The self-same ’source’ told US Weekly:

“They are broken up. It’s sad, she cares about him a lot and thinks he’s a great guy but they really hit a rough patch.”

The pair have been dating for over a year and a half, but Cy was said to be particularly upset about their private lives being shown in her new reality TV show ‘The World According to Paris’ (which absolutely no-one should watch as stupidity is infectious). An insider who is likely to be the same junior publicist as the afore-mentioned ‘source’ said:

“Cy is very upset with the series. He felt that way too much of their private life was shown. When he signed on to do the show, he had no idea the cameras would be so invasive.”

Speaking about their relationship in the weeks leading up to the split, Paris revealed she would get engaged on the series if “Cy” was to pop the question. She said:

“We are so happy. It’s almost been a year and a half now so we’ll see what happens, but the show is going to show everything, so when that happens it will be on the show.”

It could easily be alleged that Paris ended her relationship on the advice of her “people” who would be of the opinion that her splitting up from her current oddly-named beau would add a depth to the series that a dim-witted blonde with all the mental capacity of the Graf Zeppelin could’t muster up off her own back.

Of course- that would be immensely cynical of us, regardless of how true it might be.

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Times are hard for Anne Hathaway – the only man she’s ever loved is in jail for being a dirty Pope-dressing conman.

In fact, it’s more or less a guarantee that Anne Hathaway will never experience another second of happiness in her entire life. But not if Ellen DeGeneres has anything to do with it – during an interview with her yesterday, Ellen promised that she’d find Anne Hathaway a boyfriend who didn’t con pensioners for a living.

Rumours that all the boyfriends that Ellen DeGeneres will find for Anne Hathaway are just Ellen DeGeneres in a bowtie are as yet unconfirmed.

We all know that Anne Hathaway has trust issues. If she pins her political hopes on a politician, he’ll end up breaking her heart by siding with the crazy old Jesus-nuts. If she trusts a director when he tells her that he wants her for a blockbuster movie, he’ll end up breaking her heart by making Bride Wars.

And if Anne Hathaway gives her heart to a man, he’ll end up breaking that heart and trying to use the remains as capital in some sort of elaborate Vatican-related Ponzi scheme. And Anne Hathaway needs that heart – it’s the only one powerful enough to pump blood around all the different parts of her big face.

But if there’s one person who can identify with Anne Hathaway it’s Ellen DeGeneres. She, too, has loved and lost – although admittedly the thing she loved and lost was a puppy. And she lost it on purpose because it kept shitting everywhere. But that’s beside the point. Ellen DeGeneres is on Anne Hathaway’s side, and that’s all that matters.

Ellen DeGeneres is so on Anne Hathaway’s side, in fact, that she’s made it her own personal mission to find her a boyfriend. And, hey, forget that Anne Hathaway already sort of has a boyfriend a bit anyway – Ellen is going to find her a real man. A real man like Rosie O’Donnell.

OK, not like Rosie O’Donnell at all. But here’s the San Francisco Chronicle with more:

During Hathaway’s appearance on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show,” the host tells the actress: “If you need someone, I will find you a boyfriend. I’m really good at it.” A red-faced Hathaway replies, “Did you see how nervous I just got?” DeGeneres adds, “You don’t even have to date. You can go straight to commitment.”

Now, admittedly, that’s a bit of a gamble. Ellen DeGeneres isn’t exactly consistent when it comes to picking romantic partners for herself, so Anne Hathaway shouldn’t hold her breath – while it’s perfectly feasible that Ellen would pick Anne someone 10,000 leagues above her, like she managed herself with Portia De Rossi, there’s also a pretty good change that she’d end up trying to set her up with lunatic berserko with an alter-ego named Celestia who’s the half sister of Jesus and can talk to aliens. Anne Heche, in other words.

And if that all falls through, there’s always us. We’re much better than Anne Hathaway’s last boyfriend. We’d never dress up as a priest and defraud the elderly. True, that’s because dressing up as the devil and defrauding the terminally ill has proven more effective for us. But let’s not split hairs. Call us, Anne.

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Going to a party alone can be hard sometimes – especially if it’s your party and everyone is desperate for you to fail.

So Jennifer Aniston wasn’t taking any chances when it came to her Marley And Me premiere recently. Although she’s going out with a boy who looks like her nephew, Jennifer Aniston wanted to make damn sure that she wouldn’t go to her premiere alone.

That’s why Jennifer Aniston reportedly got her agents to find some famous actors who’d act as her standby boyfriend if John Mayer dropped out. And, to be fair, they’d all probably be more convincing than John Mayer.

This is a tough month for Jennifer Aniston. Not only is she breaking her back to promote a movie that’s basically Beethoven with all the rough edges smoothed off, but she knows that her movie opens on the same day as The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, the film by her ex-husband Brad Pitt.

To make it harder, Brad’s film is being spoken of as a serious Oscar contender, while Aniston’s film is about a funny dog who poos everywhere. And, to make it harder still, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are currently locked into a kind of high-stakes death-spiral battle for publicity. If Brad Pitt talks about his kids, then Jennifer Aniston has to pretend she wants kids. If Brad Pitt talks about Angelina Jolie, then Jennifer Aniston has to whap her boobies out in a magazine. It’s endless.

But at least Jennifer Aniston got a moment of respite at the Marley And Me premiere recently, where she could totally be herself without even having to think about Brad Pitt. Unless, of course, her on/off boyfriend John Mayer split up with her beforehand, in which Jennifer Aniston planned to hyperventilate on the red carpet, hunch into the foetal position and whimper “Oh God no, oh God no, I’m so alone, I’m so very alone” in front of the world’s media.

Or, as a rumoured Plan B, Jennifer Aniston would just get her agents to set up a hokey relationship with whichever unfortunate Hollywood actor happened to nearest at any given moment in time. The LA Times reports:

According to the New York Post, during their split, Aniston’s camp was shopping for a potential date because poor Jen “did not want to be single when her movie opened… A friend of her agent was calling around asking for young men whom they could set her up with,” a source told the N.Y. Post. But the attempt to find a replacement for Mayer failed and — as if by magic — Mayer and Aniston got back together.

Now, OK, yes, if that’s true it does sound toe-curlingly embarrassing for Jennifer Aniston – but it happens all the time in Hollywood. Even Brad Pitt does it. Admittedly instead of getting a friend or his agent to ring round a bunch of actresses and plead with them to pretend to be his girlfriend for one night, Brad Pitt just found a stable partner to mother his children and share his life with. But, you know, it’s close enough.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter how true this rumour is, because Jennifer Aniston will see this story as a victory anyway. It’s accomplished her two prime directives in life – firstly it’s got her name in print again, and secondly it draws attention away from the fact that she’s made a rubbishy-looking film about a dog. Congratulations, Jennifer!

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You might think that, because he’s five years older than her and wriggles about in knickers for a living, Miley Cyrus’ boyfriend is a rum sort.

But he’s not. He’s really not. Miley Cyrus has been on the radio in America defending her alleged new boyfriend Justin Gaston to the hilt, claiming that he’s ‘awesome’ and a ‘really great Christian guy’. And what Miley Cyrus says, we have no option but to believe. Justin Gaston, you’re awesome and a really great Christian guy and we apologise for thinking wrongly of you.

And the fact that on the same day as Miley Cyrus’ interview, pictures were leaked onto the internet of Justin Gaston rolling around on the floor in his underwear with an unidentified woman and giving the camera the finger? Well that’s just awesome and Christian too. We hear that Jesus did a very similar thing once himself, actually.

These days it seems like the thing that teenage girls need to worry most about is church guys getting them pregnant. Actually, the ‘these days’ bit of that last sentence was a bit misleading since God, the original church guy, managed to knock Mary up when she was about 14 years old. High five to God, there, the big omnipotent pervert.

But these days it seems to happen a little bit more often. Who got Jamie Lynn Spears pregnant? A church guy. Who got Bristol Palin pregnant? A church guy. And who does Miley Cyrus appear to be going out with? That’s right, a church guy. That poor girl’s a timebomb.

Lately 15-year-old Miley Cyrus and her 20-year-old underwear model chum Justin Gaston have been inseparable. You can’t say that Justin Gaston is Miley Cyrus’ boyfriend because he’s five years older than her, she’s a child and it’s icky. But you can point out that they never stop hanging out, that they have a shared fondness for being photographed in their pants and that Miley Cyrus’ dad Billy Ray Cyrus has already publicly given his approval to Justin.

So, you know, Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston are more or less boyfriend or girlfriend, but it’s all unconfirmed. It has, however, been heavily alluded to by Miley Cyrus herself during an interview with Ryan Seacrest yesterday, as E! Online reports:

“Everyone started judging us as soon as we started hanging out…  I’ve learned just not to judge anyone and go into our friendship with an open mind and not really worry about the age or anything. He’s a really great Christian guy, which is awesome.” But did she admit they’re actually dating when she was grilled by Ryan? “Maybe, maybe not,” the Hannah Montana star giggled.

And, yes, so what, Miley’s endorsement of Justin Gaston as a great Christian guy might have come at the exact same time that several photos of Justin Gaston larking around inappropriately in his underwear hit the internet. That doesn’t mean anything.

After all, innocently exploring your sexuality in photo-form is just a perfectly natural part of growing up. And so is using your relative maturity to trick teenage millionaires into falling in love with you, then getting them pregnant, marrying them, divorcing them and taking half of their money. But that’s something that we’ll probably get to in the next couple of months.

Just about the whole world went to the great big hideously expensive Miley Cyrus Disneyland 16th birthday party – with one notable exception.

And, of course, that was Justin Gaston – the 20-year-old undercracker model who might very well be Miley Cyrus’ special and conspicuously older boyfriend. It’s not really a surprise that Justin Gaston didn’t go to Miley Cyrus’ birthday party – he’s too old for Disneyland and was probably doing something cool like riding a motorbike or drinking cider at a bus stop or something.

But Miley Cyrus’ dad Billy Ray Cyrus doesn’t mind. He’s heaped praise on Gaston despite his no-show. And so would you too, if you knew that pretending to enjoy the fact that your little girl is probably in some kind of relationship with a full-grown man was the only thing stopping said little girl from financially abandoning you the second she turns 18.

The big Miley Cyrus 16th birthday party in Disneyland on Sunday had just about everything you could wish for. Fireworks, thrill rides, celebrities, a short set by Miley Cyrus herself, the profoundly depressing realisation that you could work 24 hours a day for the rest of your life and still not earn what Miley Cyrus does in a month and – in Billy Ray Cyrus’ performance of Achy Breaky Heart – a couple of minutes to sneak off to the toilet.

But Miley’s party did lack one thing, and that was romance. We’re going to put that down to the absense of Justin Gaston – the fully-grown underwear model who Miley Cyrus seems to have developed some sort of romantic attachment to.

Now, we know what you’re thinking. The reason that Justin Gaston didn’t go to Miley Cyrus’ birthday party is because, prior to the party, Billy Ray Cyrus took him to one side and threatened to smoosh his skull into goo with half a brick if he even so much as thought about touching his special little daughter, but that’s not the case at all.

Actually it turn out that Billy Ray Cyrus is quite the fan of Justin Gaston. We already knew that he introduced Justin to Miley Cyrus, but he’s followed that up with even more effusive praise. Fox News reports:

“He is a great guy, a really talented guy,” Billy Ray said of Gaston, adding that he is great company for his daughter.

That’s not very comprehensive, Billy Ray Cyrus. Do you think you could back that up with another statement? Perhaps one that’s completely out of touch, has nothing to do with Justin Gaston and seems to bewilderingly paint yourself as some kind of world-healing Jesus figure?

“It’s our family going full circle. Being here with these fans is an appropriate way to celebrate. It’s the fans that our show is all about. It’s what our music is all about. Touching people’s lives worldwide and these are the people right here.”

OK, that’s better. Thanks.

Anyway, it’s not hard to see why Billy Ray Cyrus and Justin Gaston get along so well. They both love country music, for example, and they’re both Southern-born, God-fearin’, rootin’-tootin’, tobacco-chewin’ rednecks cowboys. Plus they’re roughly the same age, obviously.

And, what’s more, it must really take the heat off dealing with your girlfriend’s new boyfriend to know that no matter what filthy, depraved stuff he gets up to, he’ll never quite be as creepy around her as you are.

The day most men are introduced to their 15-year-old daughter’s 20-year-old underwear model boyfriend is usually they day they go bald and/or start sniffing glue.

But not if you’re Billy Ray Cyrus. If you’re Billy Ray Cyrus then your 15-year-old daughter will never introduce you to her 20-year-old underwear model boyfriend. That’s because if you’re Billy Ray Cyrus, your 15-year-old daughter is Miley Cyrus and it’s you who’ll introduce her to the aforementioned 20-year-old underwear model.

That’s right – it turns out that Billy Ray Cyrus is responsible for hooking Miley Cyrus up with her new, much older, mostly naked boyfriend Justin Gaston. Normally we’d suggest that Miley Cyrus’ ex-boyfriend would be feeling pretty inadequate because of this, but given our suspicion that Miley Cyrus’ ex-boyfriend was actually Billy Ray Cyrus anyway, we’ll probably just leave it.

We’re going to let you into a little secret. We always thought that Billy Ray Cyrus was a little bit stupid. Maybe it was his awful haircut, or maybe the way he consistently mispronounced the word ‘lips’ as ‘layps’ when singing Achy Breaky Heart, or maybe even our possibly imagined fondness of his for wearing leather waistcoats with nothing underneath. We just don’t know.

But we were wrong. Billy Ray Cyrus isn’t stupid at all. Billy Ray Cyrus is a red-hot progressive. You can tell that just by the way he’s raised Miley Cyrus.

For instance, when Miley Cyrus split up with whichever one of The Jonas Brothers she was with, Billy Ray Cyrus yelled “Don’t worry honey, he was just a boy. I’ll find you a MAN!” and ran off to try and find a nice-looking 20-year-old stud with morals loose enough to allow him to take payment from standing around in his knickers all day to ease his little girl’s broken heart.

And that’s how Justin Gaston came to be. You see, when we reported yesterday that Miley Cyrus had a much older boyfriend, we assumed that Billy Ray Cyrus would be furious. But he’s not, because he was the one who set the pair of them up. OK! reports:

Allen Osborne, says Billy Ray thinks very highly of Justin. “He doesn’t drink. He doesn’t smoke. He’s a very up-and-up guy.” {A source said] “Miley and Justin were really playful with each other. And for being with her parents, they were extremely touchy-feely. Miley had her hands on Justin’s stomach. They definitely seemed like a couple. Her parents really gave them space.”

You see, Billy Ray Cyrus has nothing to worry about. Just because Justin Gaston is legally an adult whose girlfriend is legally a child, he doesn’t drink or smoke so nothing funny’s going to happen. And it’s not as if Miley Cyrus knows anything about sex anyway, is it? She hardly goes around bragging of her love of Sex And The City while posing in a series of risque photos on the internet, is it? Oh…

Also, we’re sure that Billy Ray Cyrus’ acceptance of Justin Gaston has absolutely nothing to do with Miley Cyrus being the primary breadwinner in the Cyrus household and having enough money to have her dad kidnapped and beaten if he ever voices an opinion on her love life. Nothing at all.

Being Miley Cyrus’ boyfriend must be horrible – you’d be constantly fighting the urge to slap Billy Ray Cyrus’ silly face every time you saw it.

In fact, 15-year-old Miley Cyrus has got quite the wishlist when it comes to her boyfriends. Firstly you can’t be intimidated by Miley Cyrus’ fame and wealth. Secondly you have to be as gormlessly God-fearing as she is. And thirdly, if you’re so much older than her that it’s a little bit creepy and you use your body as a sexual object for a living, then that’s great too.

So, with that in mind, say hello to Miley Cyrus’ new boyfriend – he’s Justin Gaston, he’s 20 years old and he’s an underwear model. If this hasn’t ended in tears by this time next year, then we’re afraid we’ll have to go away and question everything we thought we knew about the universe.

There was always one girl at school with a boyfriend who was much older than her, wasn’t there. And he was always a bit creepy looking, covered from head to toe in coldsores, had a logic-defying speech impediment, smelt like dirty petrol and was basically an episode of Jeremy Kyle in the making.

Now, we’re obviously not comparing Miley Cyrus to the girl from school just because she’s got an older boyfriend. That would be ridiculous. Miley Cyrus doesn’t even go to school.

But apart from that, who knows. You see, Miley Cyrus has found love with a chap called Justin Gaston. And it seems like they’re still at that adorable stage where they’re just finding out their differences. For instance, Justin Gaston is old enough to vote and Miley Cyrus isn’t even old enough to drive, Justin Gaston has brown hair and Miley Cyrus’ hair is closer to auburn, Justin Gaston is an adult and Miley Cyrus is a child. You know, stuff like that. It’s romantic.

But despite all these many, many superficial differences, Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston do share a couple of very important things in common. Firstly, their love of music is profound and almost spiritual and if flows throw them like the essence of life itself. And secondly, they both love jigging around in their pants for photographers.

Miley Cyrus you know about – she’s worn an inappropriately small amount of clothes on the cover of a glossy magazine and more internet photos than you can shake a stick at. But Justin Gaston does it just as much, too – he’s an underwear model, you know.

How has Billy Ray Cyrus responded to the news that his 15-year-old little girl has started seeing a 20-year-old who never wears any trousers? Simple – he’s dragged everyone down to church, as People reports:

On Sunday, Justin Gaston, a model and aspiring country singer, attended church in Pasadena, Calif., with the Hannah Montana star and her family. According to Cyrus’s rep, Gaston, 20, is “a friend from Nashville… He’s visiting L.A. for the week.” A source close to Miley says, “They’ve been spending a lot of time together while he’s in town.”

Of course church is the best place to take Miley and Justin. Everybody knows that taking your little girl’s older boyfriend to church is the best way to keep everyone on the straight and narrow. Unless your daughter is Jamie Lynn Spears or Bristol Palin, that is, but let’s ignore them.

We will say one thing to Justin Gaston, though – don’t you dare go round playing with little Miley Cyrus’ heart. Not because we’re worried that you’ll upset her, you see. It’s just, if you do, she’s easily rich enough to have you killed.

You know when you fill out a job application and you have to answer questions like: 'Have you ever been convicted of a crime?'; 'Would you be willing to submit to random drug testing?'; and 'Would you be willing to feign attraction to a volatile, squeaky-voiced woman with three remaining limbs who will likely take her drawers off to get you not to eat meat?'

No one ever thinks that last one is for real, so the answer is always ‘yes’. But, a poor hotel worker man has to look that question square in the face now that he is dating Heather Mills, and she’s rather delighted about it all.

Yay! It’s a rare night when we aren’t tossing in turmoil over Heather Mills’ happiness.

Heather Mills isn’t just an activist for defenseless edible creatures, or a former model especially popular with the seeing-impaired demographic, but she’s also, of course, Paul McCartney’s ex-wife, who was awarded a paltry £24 million in the divorce.

She’s also a woman that screeches like a banshee when she gets upset, but that doesn’t mean she’s not looking for love.

So, we submit to you, the impartial jury, what man would not want to get with that? What man? Every single man anywhere ever, actually, except for this one guy, Jamie Walker.

No, you don’t know him, and neither do we. The only reason you should care is that six months from now when you hear about a new reality show coming out featuring Heather McCartney and her man-accessory picking our dressy prosthetic legs for a forthcoming charity auction, you’ll have a vague recollection of him, and it will bring you fond memories of us, as well as save you an internet search.

Anyway, Heather dug him up at the Tenerife Hotel she was staying at with her unfortunately-named daughter, Beatrice. This Jamie character is pretty much the exact opposite of Paul McCartney. He’s 36 years old, brawny, muscular, hasn’t been a member of The Beatles, and reportedly doesn’t have two coins to rub together between shifts handing out towels to rich divorcees at the pool.

It appears Heather isn’t put off by his lack of fortune, though. She knows what’s really important: his rockin’ bod. A so-called “friend” of Heather’s had this to say:

“Heather is completely infatuated with Jamie. He is a gym junkie and Heather has been boasting his body is so much fitter than Paul's.”

In other news, this year’s Master of the Obvious award goes to Heather Mills for her poignant observations between the physique of her 66-year-old ex, and her current 36-year-old hunk of man candy. We will re-broadcast her acceptance speech once we have slowed it down and lowered the pitch so that dogs aren’t the only ones who can hear it.

When was the last time you saw Geri Halliwell do something that wasn’t annoying? You can’t remember, can you, because Geri Halliwell has never done anything that isn’t annoying.

You name it – singing, acting, humanitarian work, naming her children, breathing – you can guarantee that whatever Geri Halliwell does it’ll annoy the shit out of you. And that’s fine for us to say. It’s not like we’re Geri Halliwell’s boyfriends or anything, we don’t have to like her.

Geri Halliwell’s boyfriend, though, is supposed to like her. So it’s a shame, as Dietpixie reports, that Geri annoys him just as much as the rest of us:

Apparently, Ginger Spice goes through a punishing two-hour daily workout every day to stay in shape. But this is starting to grate on new bloke Ivan Velez, who despite being a professional dancer just doesn’t understand why Geri Halliwell devotes so much time to it. A friend of the couple said: “Ivan is extremely fit but does not dedicate his life to body-toning the way Geri does. He complains that her house is like a boot camp. Geri has been involving him in stretching sessions after her rigorous routines and has made him go on long bike rides and early morning runs.”

Of course that’s annoying. He’s a man. It’s annoying enough when your girlfriend makes you take the binbag out, but it’d be nothing compared to being forced to ride a bike all over the place. And that, in turn, would be nothing compared to being forced to ride a bike all over the place by Geri Halliwell. Ugh.

Anyway, what’s all this about Geri ‘staying in shape?’ Did you see that last Spice Girls video? She looks like 20 walnuts and a roving hernia wrapped in veiny clingfilm. We’re not even sure that is a shape, to be honest.

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Geri Halliwell’s fitness obsession really annoys her new man – Dietpixie