Palaeolithic megastar Madonna says she wonders what it would be like to be truly ‘loved’. By ‘truly loved’ she doesn’t mean by her legion of overly-loyal fans but by someone with something to lose.
The 53-year-old’s sudden interest in love and human emotion comes as she is marketing her new directorial outing ‘W.E.’ and is not in any way a cynical attempt to garner some headlines for a film that has flown pretty much under the radar up until now.
It’s very important to remember that. These are deep, meaningful emotions from a deep and meaningful woman.
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Aren’t we all lucky people right now? Frankie Cocozza is off the streets for the next few weeks so we can all get over that bad bout of crabs that we can’t seem to shift, Adele has a new boyfriend so we might not have a song that isn’t the worst sort of melancholic bollocks available and Lady Gaga has promised us a new album appearing sometime this year.
She doesn’t have name for it yet, and even if she did, we wouldn’t find out about it until she cryptically posted a video entitled ‘le title prologue’ or whatever bollocks language she thinks is so vogue right now, or has all the World’s press stepping on her toes, dying to get the slightest piece of information out of her tightly wound lips.
And we don’t mean the ones that’s-a on her face.
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Oooh, that Lady GaGa is weird isn’t she? She loves letting us all know how weird she is. Or is it needy? We can’t tell the difference anymore. It’s the fault of emo kids. They turned being odd into a lifestyle choice and now we’re all confused. No. Not that kind of confused.
Not that you care. This is not about us. You want to know about Lady GaGa.
See, G’gaa left, reportedly, “large amounts of blood” in a hotel bath. Is it some Satanic ritual? Did she have a particularly nasty period? Is she really terrible at shaving her legs and back? Let us investigate!
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Lady Gaga is the ideal woman for… well… most gay men in the world. Apart from those who think she’s cynically milking the gay purse for all it’s worth. Of course, there are straight people and lesbians who fancy her as well, but all that doesn’t matter.
Bad news for you guys.
See, it appears that GaGa has sidestepped the whole, tired ‘Hur hur, she’s got a penis’ rumours to ‘Hur hur, she’s riding someone else’s penis’ now as she was spotted on a romantic stroll with a Vampire Diaries star. Presumably, they were both wearing crab-claw shoes and sporting hats made from tumble-dryer drums. Just to avoid being conspicuous you understand.
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Dear hecklersprayers, this article contains information that may ruin your appetite and could even inflict some serious mental damage, distrust of the female nether-parts up to and including the Predator’s face.
Right, with that legal stuff out the way, it’s bad news for all straight men and gay women out there. Susan Boyle is on the look for a suitable mate.
We can’t actually bring ourselves to speak of the hairiest winner of Britain’s Got Talent in a sexual light. It just seems very, very wrong. Like how you wouldn’t want to know about your grandparent’s sex life, or how your mother explains the first time you find a condom in their bedroom. An uneasy, topsy turvy feeling in your stomach makes you want to vomit enough bile to make Example think ‘Jeez, they’re being a bit harsh.’
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Kanye West’s ex-gal Amber Rose is in all kinds of trouble at the moment after some very, very explicit pictures leaked online. They weren’t the only things leaking. The model has now been dropped by her bookers and Nicki Minaj might be pretty peeved too.
The images show Rose butt-naked apart from some expensive looking shoes and… well… y’know… sticking things inside her. This, of course, hasn’t gone down well at all with her employees.
But what’s Nicki Minaj got to do with anything? And yes. We have the pictures over the jump you filthy swine.
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You remember Paris Hilton, don’t you? Come on readers. Try a bit harder. She’s that night vision girl that you’ve seen performing fellatio on a man with no personality. No? She’s tall… blonde… denser than the singularity of a black hole? No? Really? She’s the heir to the Hilton hotel chain and- frankly- if you still don’t remember who she is then you might as well click on the little ‘x’ in the corner of your browser and save us all some trouble.
However, after a year spent only riding one penis as though it’s a disappointed bucking bronco, Hilton and her boyfriend of a year and a half Cy Waits have ”amicably” decided to end their relationship.
Still- no relationship really ends amicably, does it? Sure, you can try to remain friends and make sure that the people closest to you don’t have any sense of awkwardness or worse, feel as though they have to pick sides but regardless of these efforts, someone always comes out of it badly and looking like a petty scumbag.
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Times are hard for Anne Hathaway – the only man she’s ever loved is in jail for being a dirty Pope-dressing conman.
In fact, it’s more or less a guarantee that Anne Hathaway will never experience another second of happiness in her entire life. But not if Ellen DeGeneres has anything to do with it – during an interview with her yesterday, Ellen promised that she’d find Anne Hathaway a boyfriend who didn’t con pensioners for a living.
Rumours that all the boyfriends that Ellen DeGeneres will find for Anne Hathaway are just Ellen DeGeneres in a bowtie are as yet unconfirmed.
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