Death-threats have dogged Caroline Flack since everyone found out she’s allegedly been shagging Harry Styles from One Direction. Fans are furious and the rest of the world is doing small vomits in their mouths.
That’s because Harry Styles is a veritable child. He’s 17 and she’s 408 years old.
Of course, the Xtra Factor host isn’t phased by all the wrung hands, furrowed brows and deafening dry-heaves. That’s because she’s apparently already had sex with Olly Murs, which is worse than enjoying intercourse with Robert Mugabe and Genghis Khan’s corpse.
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Xtra Factor host Caroline Flack has finally broken her silence over bouncy haired One Direction singer Harry Styles, in an attempt to end minutes of speculation over whether she was lustfully gnawing on his teenage bones like a dirty puma.
After receiving death threats from hormonally unbalanced One Direction fans on Twitter warning her to steer clear of Styles, Flack decided to come clean about the whole thing and make them even angrier.
Apparently people get angry about grown women dating teenagers or something.
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Uh-oh! Caroline Flack is getting received death threats from Harry Styles’ fans after it was revealed that the pair have been on some dates. What is it with young women and their penchant for sending death threats?
WHY HAVEN’T WE HAD ANY? DO WE HAVE TO HAVE SEX WITH A YOUNG MAN TO DO SO?
On that point, it appears hecklerspray is the only publication willing to point out that it is incredibly sinister the way adult women feel it is perfectly fine for them to fap over a bunch of 10 year old singing boys. Never mind death threats, how about some police involvement here?!
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Boyband no-hopers Westlife announced their intention to split up yesterday, astonishing a nation that had long since forgotten that the third-rate Boyzone-wannabees even existed.
Ignoring the current music fad of reforming (we’re looking at you, Steps. And, to a MUCH lesser extent, you, Stone Roses) the PoundLand Take That have decided they’ll buck the trend and actually call it a day. Tiring, no doubt, as they are of being mistaken for well-groomed squinty brick-layers with as much collective recognisability as the bloke who ‘does the tampons’ down our local.
And, we imagine, are finally admitting the fact that without gurning, pan-faced buffoon Brian McFadden they are as nothing. Not that they’re bitter about that. Oh no.
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One Direction fans really are something to behold, they can almost out crazy the cult of Beliebers in terms of random Twitter outbursts about anything and everything their icons do.
OMG! HARRY IS PICKING HIS NOSE! I TOTES LOVE HIM!
That’s the sort of thing you can usually expect from them. But now they’ve hit a new low and actually managed to ruin the launch of a brand new top of the range DSLR camera from imaging giants, Canon. Read More >>>
Not a minute goes by when someone doesn’t throw themselves out of a window and onto a concrete pavement because they just failed an audition to be in the next great boyband.
As they hurtle towards a very sudden, and very bloody, death, names of the greatest performers flash through their embittered and mutilated minds. Minds that have been destroyed by their lust for fame. Names like Gary Barlow, Robbie Williams, Jimmy Constable from 911, Jade from Damage, all the gay guys in Upside Down, Jason Orange. All the people they could have been. Damn it, all the people they SHOULD have been
But now they’re dead, splattered on people’s shoes. Destroyed.
To honour these poor withered souls, we decided to compile the GREATEST BOYBAND EVER. Wethinks it would look a little something like this.
Pavement-Boy, we hope you’re reading from Heaven.
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