We live in a world where, astonishingly, Mike Tyson is actively encouraged to sing. And not any old tune. We live in a world where Mike Tyson is encouraged to sing The Girl From Ipanema.

We’ve all been waiting for a boxer to go Bossa Nova haven’t we?

Better yet, is that Mike Tyson is a convicted rapist and yet, for some reason, he continues to get work in movies and television. It must be great for Desiree Washington to see him enjoying the life of a celebrity again, right? Anyway, if you want to see him sing, get over the jump.

Of course, Iron Mike has always been a treat for the ears hasn’t he? Just ask Evander Holyfield who got half of his bitten off by Tyson some years ago in a boxing match.

That’s not really what we mean. We’d like to focus on his lisp. If you don’t know the lyrics for the song, Mike sings them something like this:

“Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goeth walking, and when thee passes each one thee patheth goeth “a-a-ah!” When thee walkth thee’s like a thamba that, thwingth tho cool and thwayth tho gentle, that when thee patheth each one thee patheth goeth “aaaaah!”"

There’s also a lovely bit that goes:

“But each day when thee walkth to the thea, thee lookth thtraight ahead not at me”

Anyway, you can watch one of the most dangerous and unsettling men to ever walk the Earth look a bit stupid in a white suit on Brazilian television.

HAVE FUN.

When you were a child, chances are that your dreams of an older you revolved around being an astronaut, a surgeon, a model or something astonishingly vapid which, rightly, saw you roundly mocked by adults when you went to bed.

However, if you’re Michelle Williams, your dream was to attack Mike Tyson in the face ’til bits of it broke off.

That’s right, the Brokeback actress has ‘fessed up that, when she was a smaller version of herself, her dream was to be a professional boxer so she could take on the former heavyweight champion of the world. If his court cases are anything to go off, he may well have been up for battering a girl in the ring.

You heard.

Williams, also a former member of RnB combo Destiny’s Child, wanted to be a boxer when she was little and dreamt about putting some gloves on and continually punching someone until they were unconscious.

She said:

“First I wanted to be a boxer. I don’t know why but I wanted to fight Mike Tyson. That was the dream.”

Thankfully, that nice face of hers remained unpunched as she became an actress. Which you knew, but we need to include things like that to lead to the next section of the article.

Instead, when she was 15, she ran away to become an actress and ended up in maudlin, soul-searchathon, Dawson’s Creek.

“I started doing plays when I was eight. I always wanted to act. At 16, I moved away to Los Angeles. [Emancipation] is basically like divorcing them. You have to prove that you are emotionally and financially stable and independent. You have to have graduated high school and you have to prove that you can live alone.

“I did one commercial at first every six months and that was enough.”

And now she’s all set to play Marilyn Monroe in ‘My Week with Marilyn’ and all that junk.

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Aww! Does everyone remember Iron Mike Tyson? You remember him right? Sure you do! He’s the cuddly, wuddly man with a tiger for a pet and a funny little mouse voice who used to punch people for a living!

Yeah! That guy!

Of course, since his boxing days were over, he went onto do to a whole bunch of wholesome stuff! Most notably, getting convicted of raping a woman, getting a dodgy tattoo around his eye socket and, the worst of all his crimes, starring in dismal film, The Hangover! And now, he’s kissing pigeons and whispering “I wuv you” to them where their ears are supposed to be.

Television is, as we all know, a very moral place. The news the channels carry condemn and hound people who do wrong. It must be really galling for network CEOs to do all that work which is obviously in the interest of us plebs, only to later bankroll projects featuring convicted rapists and lining the pockets of a man who once bit someone’s ear off.

And so, Mike Tyson has a new reality TV show where we get to see him in action as a pigeon fancier.

It’s probably fair to say that this show is a modern equivalent of chucking rotten tomatoes at someone in the stocks. Seeing Tyson cooing at a pigeon isn’t designed to endear us all to him, rather, it opens the floor for mockery and laughter.

Still, they are going to be giving him a wage, so we look forward greatly to network giving Gary Glitter a shot at showing us all just how much he enjoys grooming. We presume that ‘grooming’ means looking after sick horses or combing the fringes of Yorkshire terriers.

Anyway, back to Iron Mike.

We’ll get the chance to laugh at him while he stands neck deep (let us not forget that Tyson is roughly 8 inches tall) in pigeon faeces in a coop while he resembles the Birdman of Alcatraz, prepping his birds for big races.

Tyson says:

“This is something that has really brought meaning to me and my life”

“This is not a hobby. This is something we’re going to do until the day we die. I love being in my pigeon world. It brings me a calm.”

It was in Pigeon World where Tyson threw his first punch when he was a kid.

When some kid twisted the head off one of his birds, a life of punching people in the face was born.

“That was the first time I threw a punch”

“This is an amazing opportunity, to show why I love these birds and how great this sport is. The pigeons are always loyal and loving. And racing pigeons is on a different level but is as competitive and intense as boxing.”

God. This is tragic isn’t it?

Even we don’t have the heart to continue this line of mockery. He was a superhuman boxer once and now, look at him. A convicted rapist who only has pigeons for friends. It’s gut wrenching.

*downs bottle of strychnine*

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What do you get if you cross a patriotic British boxing Muslim, a warped owl-faced England hating clerical Muslim, and a Tory MP?

You guessed it; 3 morons.

Let us begin with the warped, owl-faced England-hating clerical Muslim. His name's Omar Bakri Mohammed, he's estimated to be about 50 years old and comes from Syria. Omar, currently exiled in Lebanon after having been deported from the UK for being a rather naughty individual indeed – he once described the 9/11 hijackers as the 'Magnificent 19' (very funny, Omar, but the joke will be on you when you discover that 19 central characters is gonna be tough to cram into 120 pages of script; there's a reason why we in the west chose 7. Well, it was because we stole it off Kurosawa, but that's an entirely different matter, Omar, the point we're getting to follows shortly after these brackets) – has accused Amir Khan of being a prick, basically.

Just read what the cheeky git is quoted as saying from his hideaway in Beirut, according to that beautiful daily source of news, The Sun:

 “So now for him (Amir, lovely Amir) to be wrapping himself in British flag is another sign of somebody who is completely jahil (ignorant). You give him the excuse of ignorance for living among the kuffar (non-believer). So you can’t call him kuffar but you can call him jahil and deviant person. Amir Khan is not a good example for Muslims. He wears shorts with the Union Jack. That is a sin. He should not be wearing the flag because sovereignty is for God. His only allegiance should be to the Prophet Mohammed. The ideal situation would be to have a Muslim team not registered to any state so he can represent the Islamic community.”

Presumably with Mohammed's face stretched across Amir's arse instead? Oh oh! Retract, retract! It's gone, it's not there, the sentence has been retracted, all logic suggests otherwise but we ask you to take a leap of faith brothers; it isn't there.

Anyway, so Omar's calling Amir like totally jahil, but he aint no kuffar. He's a bit jahil of his kuffarins, and that's forgivable, are we keeping up? Good, time for moron number 2!

His names Andrew Rosindell, he's a Tory, he's 42 and he has decided he should probably make a comment on the comments. He said:

“I'd love to see the two of them slugging it out. I’ll be cheering for Amir. What Bakri said is appalling. A sportsman represents his country. He is British first and Muslim second — and can be both. Amir is a positive role model to the young. Bakri is an unsavoury character whose words should be discounted.”

So Andrew is saying that it absolutely isn't a sin for Amir to be wearing Union Jack shorts, it is in fact wicked that he does that, and that before Amir's allegiance to almighty Allah (there is no god but him, apparently, and he should know) who promises to reward good little boys with presents not even the most spoilt child would dare to ask for on his list to Santa - 'I'd like a PS3, a pony, and a harem of gagging-for-it virgins please, Mr Claus' – before all that, comes a far more pressing allegiance to the UK, which does at least deal with his welfare in the real world (but what is real, right philosophy graduates?).

And like Andrew says, it's possible to be both a Muslim and a British patriot, and that's just what Amir Khan, 21, from Bolton, our 3rd moron of the day, is.

Some people would argue that each person is an individual and that it's foolish to take any pride in being born in a country of which you had no choosing, or shot from a vagina with a religious outlook you held no sway over, as you and your stupidly fertile child mind are unable to prevent these jahil/ignorant adults ploughing whatever nonsense they so wish into you.

But to be fair to Amir, can we really blame him for being what he's become? Perhaps we, like Omar before us, should forgive him for his ignorances as he lives among the 'other' people, which for us would be the non-kafarians and the patriots. Did he have any chance being reared by these people? Does anyone, ultimately, have any control over the person they become? There's no time to speculate, so let's presume we do, in which case sort it out Amir!

You work hard for race relations, and you succeed, but you don't have to dance around in your Union Jack pants to gain white people's love. It may work for the Tories, but when was pleasing the Tories a good thing? Not in hecklerspray's lifetime and never again, right kids? Lead the revolution Amir. Throw those pants into the bin, get Benneton to make you a multicoloured pair and lead us into the crystal enlightenment of a colour-blind, hecklerspray tinted future.

Just look at Ali; he told Michael Parkinson and the whole country that the white man was the devil, and we still hold back the tears every time we see him trying not to drop his latest 'sporting achievement' award onto the floor.

Read more – The Sun – Bakri Slur On Boxer Amir

Read more – BBC news – Profile: Omar Bakri Mohammad