Hogwarts bully, Vincent Crabbe, was found guilty of violent disorder at London’s Wood Green Crown Court after he took part in the now annual event, The London Riots. He was seen ‘swigging’ from a stolen bottle of Champagne. Classy.
Crabbe was cleared of intending to destroy or damage property with a petrol bomb he was pictured holding. He was probably going to ‘swig’ that as well. Not so classy.
However, it is rumoured that Crabbe could well be innocent and, in fact, could’ve been under a spell cast by infamous wizard, Harry Potter.
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The world used to love Daniel Radcliffe. For he was Harry Potter. From when he was just a sperm to when he sprouted his first pube Radcliffe made a spectacular living from swanning about shouting dodgy Latin while pointing a twig at things. And we gobbled it up like the suckers we are.
But no more!
The world has got together and decided to take a giant steaming dump of rejection on Radcliffe’s snowy white shag-pile carpet of self worth. WE DON’T LOVE YOU ANY MORE MR WIZARD!
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Britain’s had a rum old time when it comes to fictional alien invasions. They started early, with steampunk martians getting all up in our Victorian grills before idiotically sneezing themselves to their constituent pieces in War Of The Worlds.
We had a bit of respite in the ’50s as the fashion in the alien travel supplements was to take in the fabulous corn-filled vistas of mid-west America, do some light abducting, maybe probe a farmhand anus or two.
But then that Doctor fellow with the ever-changing, always-irritating face and voice and body and talking popped onto Saturday teatimes and suddenly Britain can’t move for psychopathic pepper grinders and shaggable supermodel siren doctorbots.
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2012 is the top movie at the weekend box office. And you don’t have to be a genius to work out why.
Two hours of John Cusack almost being smashed to death by falling rocks? Who wouldn’t want to pay good money to see that! Oh, we’re just kidding – 2012 is top of the weekend box office because it deals with the growing worry that the Mayan calendar was right and that the world will end in 2012.
And it probably will. After all, the Mayans were right about men originally evolving from mud, weren’t they? And about rain being a giant flying snake’s dribble. Nice one Mayans, you dead idiots.
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Today’s edition of the weekend box office countdown is brought to you with a side helping of tremendous bitterness.
You see, the number one movie at the US weekend box office this week is Where The Wild Things Are – one of the films that we’ve been most excited about this year. And yet we can’t see it until almost Christmas. Because it’s not being released over here until December. Stupid Britain.
So no Where The Wild Things Are spoilers please. Especially no spoilers about the temperature of the soup at the end of the film. We mean it.
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Watchmen is the frenziedly-anticipated, two decades in the making movie adaptation of an alarmingly revered comic book.
So you’ll never guess what. Watchmen is the top weekend box office movie, outperforming all the other new movies like, um, oh. Watchmen was the only new movie in the US weekend box office this week.
Of course, Watchmen’s weekend box office success was probably down to Zack Snyder, who the Watchmen posters describe as being a ‘visionary director’. Proof then that you’re a visionary if you can film lots of angry people doing crap in slow motion. Better luck next time, Pythagoras.
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As well as it being Halloween, this weekend saw the release of all manner of hot Oscar contenders and hugely-hyped comedies.
So what’s number one at the US weekend box office today? A highbrow critical darling? A well-received edgy comedy? Any of the new horror movies? No. It’s sodding High School Musical 3, isn’t it. Again.
That means that the stars of High School Musical 3 are officially bigger than Seth Rogen and Angelina Jolie combined. Perhaps to reassert their popularity, in their next movies Seth Rogen will sing a number of songs about believing in yourself and Angelina Jolie will take a naked picture of herself and post it on the internet. But not the other way round, though – that would be horrible. Angelina Jolie really can’t sing.
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The Dark Knight had better watch out – come Oscar time the whole world’s going to be in a randy froth about Burn After Reading.
No wonder Burn After Reading is top of the weekend box office today – just look at the pedigree. An Oscar-winning actor, an Oscar-winning actress and the world’s biggest celebrity starring in a movie by the most recent winners of the Best Director and Best Picture Oscars. In fact, never mind the weekend box office – Burn After Reading should be gold-plated and put on God’s mantlepiece forever.
It probably won’t be, because in fact Burn After Reading looks like the sort of self-consciously wacky nonsense that’d go straight to DVD if the Coen Brothers didn’t direct it. But, hey, you can’t argue with a number one spot at the US weekend box office – that’s the Bangkok Dangerous spot, after all.
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