box office - HecklerSpray

Resident Evil and 4 Other Movie Franchises That Just Won’t Die

September 19th, 2012 By Chris Starr

AHHHH ZOMBIES!! is my reaction to many horror films, but particularly “Resident Evil: Retribution”, which is the fifth movie based on the video game franchise (that’s more than the truly terrible “Final Fantasy” movies, natch). The reason I’m yelping in horror isn’t because they’ve managed to scare me with good cinematography: it’s because this franchise should’ve died a long time ago.

But like the living undead that populate it and the game it is based on, it simply won’t. The movie studios keep turning out the schlock. Last weekend at least, we proved that just as willingly as zombies will eat brains, humans will eat shit, because Resident Evil was the number one movie at the US box office last weekend, earning $21.1 million.

Vincent Crabbe Jailed After Harry Potter Put A Rioting Spell On His Lardy Arse

March 21st, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Hogwarts bully, Vincent Crabbe, was found guilty of violent disorder at London’s Wood Green Crown Court after he took part in the now annual event, The London Riots. He was seen ‘swigging’ from a stolen bottle of Champagne. Classy.

Crabbe was cleared of intending to destroy or damage property with a petrol bomb he was pictured holding. He was probably going to ‘swig’ that as well. Not so classy.

However, it is rumoured that Crabbe could well be innocent and, in fact, could’ve been under a spell cast by infamous wizard, Harry Potter.

Daniel Radcliffe Metaphorically Beaten With Sticks To Represent Very Real Rejection

February 6th, 2012 By Randy Figgins

The world used to love Daniel Radcliffe.? For he was Harry Potter.?From when he was just a sperm to when he sprouted his first pube Radcliffe made a spectacular living from swanning about shouting dodgy Latin while pointing a twig at things.? And we gobbled it up like the suckers we are.

But no more!

The world has got together and decided to take a giant steaming dump of rejection on Radcliffe’s snowy white shag-pile carpet of self worth.? WE DON’T LOVE YOU ANY MORE MR WIZARD!

Film Review: Attack The Block

August 5th, 2012 By Justrestingmyeyes

Britain’s had a rum old time when it comes to fictional alien invasions. They started early, with steampunk martians getting all up in our Victorian grills before idiotically sneezing themselves to their constituent pieces in War Of The Worlds.

We had a bit of respite in the ’50s as the fashion in the alien travel supplements was to take in the fabulous corn-filled vistas of mid-west America, do some light abducting, maybe probe a farmhand anus or two.

But then that Doctor fellow with the ever-changing, always-irritating face and voice and body and talking popped onto Saturday teatimes and suddenly Britain can’t move for psychopathic pepper grinders and shaggable supermodel siren doctorbots.

2012 Pummels Weekend Box Office Into A Twisted Mess

November 15th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

2012 is the top movie at the weekend box office. And you don’t have to be a genius to work out why.

Two hours of John Cusack almost being smashed to death by falling rocks? Who wouldn’t want to pay good money to see that! Oh, we’re just kidding – 2012 is top of the weekend box office because it deals with the growing worry that the Mayan calendar was right and that the world will end in 2012.

And it probably will. After all, the Mayans were right about men originally evolving from mud, weren’t they? And about rain being a giant flying snake’s dribble. Nice one Mayans, you dead idiots.

Where The Wild Things Are Starts The Weekend Box Office Rumpus

October 18th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Today's edition of the weekend box office countdown is brought to you with a side helping of tremendous bitterness.

You see, the number one movie at the US weekend box office this week is Where The Wild Things Are – one of the films that we've been most excited about this year. And yet we can't see it until almost Christmas. Because it's not being released over here until December. Stupid Britain.

So no Where The Wild Things Are spoilers please. Especially no spoilers about the temperature of the soup at the end of the film. We mean it.

Watchmen Utilises Blue Penis Power To Top Weekend Box Office

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Watchmen is the frenziedly-anticipated, two decades in the making movie adaptation of an alarmingly revered comic book.

So you\’ll never guess what. Watchmen is the top weekend box office movie, outperforming all the other new movies like, um, oh. Watchmen was the only new movie in the US weekend box office this week.

Of course, Watchmen?s weekend box office success was probably down to Zack Snyder, who the Watchmen posters describe as being a ?visionary director?. Proof then that you're a visionary if you can film lots of angry people doing crap in slow motion. Better luck next time, Pythagoras.

High School Musical 3 Still Weekend Box Office Number Blah

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

As well as it being Halloween, this weekend saw the release of all manner of hot Oscar contenders and hugely-hyped comedies.

So what’s number one at the US weekend box office today? A highbrow critical darling? A well-received edgy comedy? Any of the new horror movies? No. It’s sodding High School Musical 3, isn’t it. Again.

That means that the stars of High School Musical 3 are officially bigger than Seth Rogen and Angelina Jolie combined. Perhaps to reassert their popularity, in their next movies Seth Rogen will sing a number of songs about believing in yourself and Angelina Jolie will take a naked picture of herself and post it on the internet. But not the other way round, though – that would be horrible. Angelina Jolie really can’t sing.

Burn After Reading Burns Weekend Box Office (After Reading)

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The Dark Knight had better watch out – come Oscar time the whole world’s going to be in a randy froth about Burn After Reading.

No wonder Burn After Reading is top of the weekend box office today – just look at the pedigree. An Oscar-winning actor, an Oscar-winning actress and the world’s biggest celebrity starring in a movie by the most recent winners of the Best Director and Best Picture Oscars. In fact, never mind the weekend box office – Burn After Reading should be gold-plated and put on God’s mantlepiece forever.

It probably won’t be, because in fact Burn After Reading looks like the sort of self-consciously wacky nonsense that’d go straight to DVD if the Coen Brothers didn’t direct it. But, hey, you can’t argue with a number one spot at the US weekend box office – that’s the Bangkok Dangerous spot, after all.

Bangkok Dangerous Kicks The Poo Out Of Weekend Box Office

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Nicolas Cage apparently lives in Bath, but everyone knows that his real home is the top of the weekend box office. Or a wig shop. Who knows?

Anyway, We’re only telling you this because Nicolas Cage’s new film Bangkok Dangerous is number one at the US weekend box office this week, taking in a mighty seven million dollars. Look, that figure might be 22 times less than The Dark Knight took on its opening weekend, but did The Dark Knight feature a skinny man in a funny wig shooting people in a boat? No, no it didn’t. Point proved.

Bangkok Dangerous‘ weekend box office success makes us think that all Asian movies would do well if they were remade starring Nicolas Cage. Imagine Nicolas Cage eating a live octopus in an Old Boy remake. Or Nicolas Cage kicking over cities in a Godzilla remake. Or a remake of The Ring where Nicolas Cage crawls out of a TV and scares Nicolas Cage to death and Nicolas Cage has to investigate it. Yes!