A beautiful gown can only distract from the wrinkly face and bloated thighs for so long, which means Hollywood’s elite have to pull out all the stops in their search for physical perfection.

Of course, they will spend endless hours in the gym and getting poison injected into their faces in the build-up to the big night. But there are some actresses who are prepared to go that extra step.

In fact, there are some actresses – and we are not naming names here – who would bathe in cow vomit if they thought it would get them on the front cover of Vanity Fair.

Be afraid, be very afraid…

5. Injecting bacteria into your armpits and breasts

Now, sweating bullets – it’s a really common problem. We all do it. Especially you, yeah, you over there! And you! Bloody hell! Ewwww. Anyway, in a hot theatre, it’s an even bigger problem – and sometimes a good deodorant will not do the job – it says here. But have you ever thought about injecting some bacteria into your armpits? No? Well, why not? It’s the latest fashion and about eight to 10 injections should have you smelling like… well, we hate to imagine.

OK, so it’s actually Botox. But that’s just a trade name, right? In fact, we know some other names for it – such as ‘fatty poison’. Sounds nice, doesn’t it? The treatment costs altogether around £500. But, hey, if it stops you sweating on those nice gowns and saves you a fortune in those dry cleaning bills, it’s worth it. You can also make your breasts look bit more ‘youthful’ by having them done too.

Cosmetic dermatologist Dr Patricia Wexler explained: “It works the same way as your face. It paralyses the muscles, pulling your breasts down and therefore pulling them back up.” Right, we are really not sure how that works, to be honest, but if it makes our girlfriends’ breasts look more ‘youthful’, then we approve.

4. Face scrubs made out of diamonds

Madonna, Drew Barrymore and Gwyneth Paltrow apparently swear by this. Costing £1,000 per facial, it is one of the most popular pre-Oscar rituals among Hollywood’s elite for ensuring your skin looks radiant and spot-free. Take note Cameron Diaz.

It includes a diamond scrub to get all of the crap out of your skin, a green tea mask and red-and blue UV light therapy afterwards.

3. Drinking the oddest mixture of ingredients ever

Like lemonade? Ever thought of adding cayenne pepper, maple syrup, saltwater and laxative tea to it? No, we didn’t think so. But some celebs will happily gulp this down in the build-up to the big event. Called the Master Cleanse, it’s certainly guaranteed to cleanse you of everything, including the will to live. Actresses desperate to do some last-minute dieting will happily fast on this for a week.

Ok, so they don’t drink all of the ingredients together (the saltwater and laxative tea are separate) but it still sounds pretty disgusting. The idea is to kill your appetite, but it sounds like it actually could finish you off completely. Other celebrity diet secrets include eating baby food and eating salad doused in vinegar. Yuck!

2. Having eyelashes which are made out of cute, little, furry animals

Minks, squirrels and foxes… it seems no furry creature is safe from the clutches of actresses looking to get an edge in the eyelash department. J-Lo started the trend when she glued red fox fur to her lashes at a recent Oscars – and everyone since has been trying to ‘outfox’ her since.

A few years back, make-up artist Valerie Sarnelle turned up the heat by creating thick and furry mink and squirrel false eyelashes. They came in blacks, browns and blondes. We have no idea where she got a blonde squirrel, by the way.

Madonna recently wore lashes made of mink fur and diamonds. They cost £5,000 and you can use them five times. Of course, the squirrels would have at least died happy in the knowledge that their sacrifice was worth it if it meant a Hollywood A-lister’s eyes looked nice at the after-party bash. It makes you wonder what’s next. I wonder if badger balls would make great breast implants. Actually, we should not even plant the idea in their heads.

1. Turning their heads into a cross stitch pattern

Never mind putting stitches in your head, they need their heads examined for even contemplating this. Called the One Stitch Facelift, it involves a plastic surgeon putting one stitch on either side of the head to lift up the loose folds of skin.

The incredibly popular procedure, pioneered by Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeon Dr Renato, is apparently favoured by clients in their late 30s. He said: “The effect is more subtle than a facelift.”

Of course, the last time you saw something like that work in the movie business was Frankenstein. However, such a subtle effect apparently won’t work on women in their 40s, who have to resort to far more outlandish and ultimately more grotesque techniques at the hand of the plastic surgeon’s scalpel – the Volumeric Face Lift.

So what is it? Ok, well basically it involves taking fat from the abundant supply of fat around the patient’s stomach and injecting it under the eyes, cheeks and between the nose and mouth. OK, pass the sick bag.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

And this ability has ultimately been Sharon Stone’s undoing. Sharon Stone lost custody of her child recently, with one of the justifications being that Sharon’s eight-year-old son had feet that smelt like putrid bum death, and she wanted to cure this with regular Botox injections into his feet.

However, Sharon Stone has denied wanting to Botox her son’s feet, calling it a ‘complete fabrication’. But on the other hand, she did give him a browlift to stop his sweaty armpits and a brand new set of 36DD plastic boobies to try and offset his chronic farting, so who knows.

Say what you like about Sharon Stone – that she’s capable of astounding cultural insensitivity or that when she dies the picture in the obituary will be of her genitals – but you can never say that she doesn’t care about her son.

Sharon Stone has always wanted what’s best for eight-year-old-Roan. Just look at his feet for example – although he’s only eight, sometimes it looks like Roan has the feet of a nine or sometimes even nine-and-a-half-year-old. And, oh, don’t get us even started on the smell. Roan’s feet constantly smell like – and this isn’t an exaggeration – a thousand dead animals in a swimming pool full of vomit next to a sewerage treatment plant in Africa at midday.

But, as Sharon Stone knows only too well, the best cure for both of these complaints is Botox. She knows this, we’re guessing, because Botox is what keeps people from realising that a) she’s actually 94 years old and b) her face smells uncomfortably of toilet. Ergo, it makes perfect sense that Sharon Stone wanted to Botox her son’s feet to stop them smelling.

This ingenious plan backfired somewhat, however, when the judge overseeing the custody battle over Roan between Stone and ex-husband Phil Bronstein caught wind of it – along with the way that Sharon Stone also invented a nonexistent spinal complaint for Roan as well – and whipped custody away from Sharon Stone as quick as can be.

You have to feel a little bit sorry for Sharon Stone at this point – who knew that regularly injecting a child’s feet with a form of botulism toxin to stop a naturally-occurring condition equated with bad parenting? – but Sharon Stone has now denied that she ever wanted to Botox anyone’s feet anyway, sort of. E! Online reports:

“This week it was reported in connection with Sharon Stone’s custody dispute that she wanted to have her 8-year-old son undergo Botox treatment at this time for his feet,”  attorney Marty Singer said. “Sharon Stone never made this statement. It is a complete fabrication.”

And that’s true. Sharon Stone didn’t make this statement at all – the judge overseeing Sharon Stone’s custody hearing made this statement, presumably on that basis that there was some form of evidence for it.

But anyway, at least this is all over now, and everyone can go back to normal. Except for little Roan, who’ll now have to grow up with the world thinking that his feet smell like gutrot. But he’ll get the last laugh – one day he’ll seek his revenge by penning a Mommie Dearest-style movie about his bewildering childhood.

True, nobody will watch it because the entire cast will have had their faces Botoxed into complete immobility for verisimilitude’s sake, but that’s something to deal with when it happens.

Of course, once those things were obtained we’d dote on them, treating them each individually with great love and deep respect at least until age six, when their value in the middle east really peaks.

Speaking of which – thanks for the price guide, Amir, but do you have one in the King’s English?

If you think that’s bad – you should see Sharon Stone’s parenting. She wants to pump her child so full of Botox that his seams start to burst. That’s why a judge just banished her to only seeing him two weekends a month or something.

It is a scientific fact that if the Chinese had properly Botoxed the ground in their country, that earthquake that mercilessly slaughtered them a while back would have been much more fluid in its rumbling. Also it would have been far more enjoyable. Fun even.

Likewise, if Stone had soaked all of her fur-based clothing overnight in tubs filled with Botox, then said attire would likely glow with a radiance it hadn’t known since it was living in its glory. Its glory was probably on a multi-cage mink farm, but you get what we mean.

Perhaps Stone doesn’t know it yet – but Botox could be the answer to all of her worries. Actually, maybe she does know it. We actually have no idea what kind of things are getting tossed around her grey matter up there – except for maybe a rudimentary Basic Instinct 3 outline. And possibly wondering what it’d be like to lick an in-store pumpkin she hadn’t yet paid for. Also maybe she wonders why her school-age son’s feet already seem to have so many frown lines and brow furrows. We really don’t know.

But a certain judge sure seems to have a grasp on her mental goings-on. It’s the judge that recently took Stone’s parental rights (or most of them) and poured them all over her ex-husband. His highness the judge didn’t do it without reason though – he did it because Stone wanted to fill her son’s feet with Botox. E! Online says:

“Specifically, [The Judge] took issue with Stone’s mothering prowess and apparent overreaction to [her son's] complaints. “Mother alleged Roan had a spinal condition,” the judge noted. “There was no evidence to support this allegation.” And this doozy: “Mother suggested that Roan should have Botox injections in his feet to resolve a problem he had with foot odor.”

We know Stone, we know. It’s gotta be hard living in California with a child that can’t wear anything open-toed without you having to lug around one of those oxygen tank things to keep you breathing OK. They make them with wheels you know. You wouldn’t have to carry it.

But obviously something’s gotta be done – and might we suggest that the ’something’ you try be Saran Wrap. It won’t stop your troubles, but it’ll sure contain them.

And it’ll show the judge you can be a parent without inflicting cosmetic surgeries onto your child.

We hear that’s a real plus in most family courts.

She may as well hang it up though, because now she looks exactly like a large-browed bat. It's unknown whether or not she flies around blindly eating insects at night, but if what her face looks like now means anything, then surely she does. Plus, through most of Bewitched we think she had a squished mosquito stuck to her enamel.

Nicole Kidman looks like a hideous clean-shaven bat. She really does. Don't be down on us for saying it – we're just passing along news. It's a doctor what said it. Then we realised it was true.

Now we're not talking about conventional American sporting equipment here – we mean Kidman looks like one of those furry flying lizards that sucks your blood if you fall asleep at a night-time picnic. This isn't necessarily a bad thing though – at least now she can replace Heath Ledger in the third Batman movie. It'll save the studio a fortune on makeup, and honour the dead actor's greatest role. Batman. Batman was Heath Ledger's greatest role. It's not out yet but we feel the odds of this being true are more than astronomical.

A little hint for the caterers of Kidman's future movies – lay out a bunch of melon. Bats have historically craved the sweet, sweet nectar of a ripe melon – and they always flock to it. You'll see.

Now we're not the only one's who think Nic's face has been horribly morphed – in fact we're not the first ones to think it either. Dr Martin Braun is the one that said it first:

"Nicole seems to get her Botox done two or three weeks before a big event, so when she for instance, goes up on stage to collect her Academy Award she looks frozen and strange. She looks like a bat with too much of an (outer) brow lift. The middle of the brow's been dropped. She's crying when she accepts her Oscar, but nothing is moving."

Braun failed to mention exactly which genus of flying mammal the actress looks like, but we think it's the leaf-nosed bat, which is actually the only bat we've ever found ourselves the least bit attracted to. Sigh. It's just so dainty, sexy and small. Perhaps this bat-likeness is what Kidman's been striving for all along. It explains the time she wanted to simultaneously fly in every single helicopter down-under in a sky lit only by the palest moon. Or possibly at some other time. It also explains why Tom Cruise used to pepper himself with beetle innards and a spritz of cantaloupe juice before the evening's retirement. We heard that's why their marriage didn't work.

We didn't really hear that. Now in closing let us just say that looking like a bat isn't the worst thing in the world. After all, we loved one once. Her name was Ruby and she was eaten by cave snakes during a reshoot for that Planet Earth documentary.

That was the hardest day of all.

Read More:

Botox Expert: 'Kidman Looks Like A Bat' – Digital Spy