Kate Bush is releasing an album and everyone is getting very, very excited. It’ll be out in November and will be called 50 Words For Snow. A Christmas album no less. How very, very thrilling.

That said, it may as well be called ’50 Words For Lazy’ as Kate isn’t exactly known to have a particularly good work ethic.

After a run of LPs in the late 70s and 80s, Kate put her feet up and released 4 albums (including this new one) in nearly 20 years. That’s impressively bone idle. And so, this got us thinking: Who are the laziest people in music? Which bands are so workshy that they can’t even be bothered to release music to their adoring fans?

Considering The Beatles released 12 albums in 7 years (and kinda went about changing the face of popular culture as they went along), it’s astonishing that so many bands and artists agonise over their LPs to the point that they can’t ever get ’round to releasing anything.

Artists spend far too much time pondering and staring out of windows waiting for their muse to strike. Not like The Fall. They’ve released 18 albums in the past 30 minutes alone.

It’s quite pathetic really (mind you, writers are far worse).

And so, let’s have a look at some of the most lethargic, lazy-ass bands from the annals of popular recorded music.

Guns n Roses

GnFR are one of the most slovenly groups to ever waddle around the stadium of rock. In their 24 years they’ve released a paltry 6 albums, leaving fans waiting aaaaaaaaaaaages to hear the tripe that turned into Chinese Democracy. Worse still, in that time where they were more prolific, they released LPs filled with cover versions. If Axl Rose spent more time being a musician, rather than trying to pick fights with his own reflection and everyone else, while getting braided hair and growing ill-advised beards, he might’ve actually got some work done.

Portishead

In 17 years, Portishead have only managed 3 proper albums. Of course, with their image being that of shy, retiring, sensitivity, this reclusiveness only adds to their mystique for fans. Mystique is one thing… having more records to enjoy listening to is entirely another. Dossing swine.

Massive Attack

Another Bristolian outfit, Massive Attack just can’t be bothered doing any work. In 20 years, they’ve squeezed out a pitiful 5 albums. Maybe they should lay off the weed and try kicking each other up the arse once in a while.

Vashti Bunyan

Vashti Bunyan, considered by many to be something of a female Nick Drake (only without the suicide) is an impressively lazy woman. She recorded her first LP in 1970, and then left it ’til 2005 to record a follow up. So, at present, that’s two albums in 41 years. Worse still, both albums aren’t nearly as good as record collector types make out.

My Bloody Valentine

In 23 years, MBV have managed to release a whopping 2 whole albums. Of course, one of them nearly bankrupted Creation Records (it would’ve saved us from a fate worse than Oasis if it had). Valentines honcho Kevin Shields really doesn’t know how to work quickly. He’s musical dole scum, and we mean that in an endearing way.

Boston

Boston, in 35 years, have honked up a measly 5 albums. They must really, really love a lie-in.

Sex Pistols

The Sex Pistols released 1 proper LP in 37 years. There’s people who will argue that they imploded before they got rubbish, but look at how many compilations and lousy cash-grabbing tours they have completed since then. Of course, being odious punks, they can pass the whole thing off as some kind of art-school prank. That’s how people like John Lydon can get away with doing anything he wants, even if it’s appearing on reality TV and starring in commercials on TV. He’s essentially Britney Spears with better excuses.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

You may think that UFO’s are a new phenomenon. You may also think that snakes make good pets and vegetables without ranch dressing are delicious. Well you are wrong across the board – especially about the snakes. Anything that may crush you and then swallow you whole doesn’t belong in an aquarium.

But the topic of the day is, of course, North America’s first sighting of an Unidentified Submerged Object. Granted, the object didn’t stay submerged. It broke the water’s surface and flew around in front of lots of people many times over a three week period, but the only explanation given at the time was necromancy.

Just you chew on that for a minute.

It started with a tragedy – and by tragedy we don’t mean the ‘your roommate finished off your milk’ type – we mean it was a full blown people-died type tragedy. In 1644 Boston, a ship blew up. Five men died. 16 days later madness ensued. It started like this (from CelebrateBoston.com):

“Exactly 16 days after the blowing up of Capt. Chaddock’s ill-fated ship and crew, and just at ‘the witching hour of midnight,’ as Shakespeare calls it, ‘when churchyards yawn and hell itself breathes forth contagion in the air,’ three men in a boat, coming toward Boston—a strange hour for reputable puritans to be so far from home—saw two bright lights rise out of the water, at the place where the vessel had been blown up, just off the [old] North Ferry slip.

They made the still more inexplicable [observation] that the two lights assumed the form of a man, and sailed leisurely off over the water to the south, keeping but a short distance from the shore, till it reached a point now occupied by Rowe’s Wharf, at the foot of Franklin St., where it vanished as suddenly as it had appeared just 15 minutes before.”

Of course this then became the talk of the town – and then other people began to see the lights. The same website goes on:

“A week after the event just described, the old records say, ‘the twin lights were seen again by many,’ but this time they arose off Castle Island, and after traveling through the air just 12 minutes, vanished at the spot where the remains of the ship were resting. The restless spirits of the deep continued to make things satisfactorily terrifying for those who were ‘out late ‘o night’ along the waterfront.

“On one occasion, the story was, that at 8 o’clock, a light resembling the moon rose from the water at the wreck, sailed through the air till it was over the highest point of ‘Nottle’s Island,’ now East Boston—but then uninhabited, and an ideal place for ghostly gambols—and there it was met by its twin light, the two suddenly merging into one, then parting, and thus continuing uniting and separating, as if in playful mood, many times, all the while ‘shooting out sometimes flames and sometimes sparkles.’ Finally, uniting permanently, the big illuminated disc floated off behind the hill on ‘Nottle’s Island,’ disappearing from sight of the wondering eyes of Bostonians.”

There were disembodied voices too. Weird, right? Well we get this straight from the John Winthrop‘s journal:

“Was about eight of the clock in the evening, and was seen by many. About the same time a voice was heard upon the water between Boston and Dorchester, calling out in a most dreadful manner, ‘boy, boy, come away, come away’: and it suddenly shifted from one place to another a great distance, about twenty times. It was heard by divers godly persons. About 14 days after, the same voice in the same dreadful manner was heard by others on the other side of the town towards Not ties Island.”

Was it a ghost? How was the voice connected to the lights? Who was the boy that was supposed to come away? What were the flames and sparks shooting off the lights? Remembering that the definition of USO is ‘Unidentified Submerged Object’ is pretty much a necessity for this old tale. Nobody knows what it was.

It’s not a straight forward underwater UFO like the one we told you about all those years ago. In fact, just to make things even stranger, this weird 1644 short-lived epidemic was blamed on a dead necromancer back in the day. He was one of the five in the initial ship explosion, as far as we can tell.

We’re just going to blame all the Boston tea. That just feels right to us.

Now, we know what you're thinking – why would a girl as chaste and innocent and shy as Paris Hilton get her boobs out in a nightclub?

And the answer is, we just don't know. But still, Paris Hilton did in fact accidentally get her boobs out in a Boston nightclub just after being made Woman Of The Year by the Harvard Lampoon. Poor Paris must have been mortified to fall out of her dress in front of all those people.

But fortunately Paris Hilton was performing Stars Are Blind at the time, so at least nobody noticed her indiscretion because they were all too busy vomiting and screaming in pain and bleeding out of all the holes in their faces.

Interesting what makes the news, isn't it? Take Paris Hilton, for example. Her album was a flop, her new film is a flop, she hasn't got a TV career any more to speak of and she seems to mainly spend her days getting naked in deserts. Nothing that Paris Hilton ever does should be in the news, let alone this.

Paris Hilton showed a bit of nipple when her top came down in Boston last week. And now you can see pictures of it on the internet.

Yes, that'll be the same Paris Hilton who has pretty much already jammed up the internet with naked pictures of herself stuffing a man's erect penis into her gob like a hungry schoolboy. But that's nothing, because now you can see the top of her tit, too, you lucky scamps. The Sun reports that Paris gave her impromptu booby dance after winning the Harvard Lampoon's Woman Of The Year award last week:

Confident Paris reckons she's pretty good on the mic, stepping up on stage to give fans a rendition of her previous single Stars Are Blind… However partygoers were left more dazzled by the blonde socialite's bouncing bangers then her cutesy voice. One said: "Paris certainly knows how to put on an eye-popping show. It was all a little cringey as she belted out her single as she danced on stage, but the highlight was definitely seeing Paris' boobs."

Imagine that being the highlight of your evening – seeing a couple of millimetres of Hiltonipple 20 feet away. God knows what'd happen if the fan ever learnt how to type 'Paris Hilton sex tape' into Google – he'd probably have some kind of debilitating stress-related hernia.

It's been a busy weekend for Paris Hilton all in all, really – there was the fight with Lindsay Lohan, the pitiful underperformace of her new film and now this burst of semi-nudity. But it might have crocked her in the long-term – how on Earth is she ever going to be able to top this?

Maybe it's time for Paris Hilton to pull out the big guns. Yes, we're suggesting that she wets herself in another taxi.

Read more:

Paris Hilton boobs in Boston – The Sun 

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