Religion is a fascinating thing isn’t it? Whilst Christians, Muslims, Sikhs and the mentalist Scientologists all bicker over who is right, they are united by one thing – practising terrible and archaic teachings.

Practically everything else in the world has developed and modernised, such as transport and communication. We reckon that if Jesus was alive today, he’d have been crucified on a wind turbine.

Whilst the Christian church hasn’t asked us yet, we reckon we could pen a mean 2011 remix edition of the Bible, giving the holy book a connection with today’s modern day mortal. As technical God, editor Mof could rattle off a load of ukulele based hymns whilst the rest of us try to work out how we’d cut the umbilical cord of a baby with a plastic fork. Once the finer details are ironed, feel free to Paypal us your £150 membership fee. Until then, traditional religion will have to do, claiming another celebrity victim, Daniella Westbrook. Sorry, member.

Over in America land, Religion is a massive thing. Almost as big as the waistlines of the people who attend Church services every Sunday. We missed out on that experience when we we’re growing up. Depending on your preference, a sermon conducted by a vicar or priest would tell us stories about massive boats full of animals whilst some bloke did all sorts of crazy magic tricks. Homosexuals are later berated and branded as the devil, all before proceedings are finished.

You’ll go home feeling the like the spirit of the lord has penetrated your soul, whilst some church leaders literally drill their teachings into their long suffering choirboys.

To us, Christianity is kind of like the sauces of Heinz. Not because the red of the ketchup symbolises Jesus’ blood, but because there are so many varieties. From wonky suicidal cults to faith healing, there’s probably an offshoot of Christianity for you. Born Again Christians are a particular breed of people who wake up one day and decide that they want to be happy clappy Bible bashers who either knock on your door for donations or stand in the street proclaiming the world will end in three months time.

This particular group seems to be for the individual who has messed up their life in the past, but wants to make amends. Daniella Westbrook is one such person who did have a prominent role in depressing BBC soap, Eastenders. Playing the role of Sam Mitchell, fame must have gone to her head, and then up her nose as she started tooting cocaine to the point where her nose fell off. However, she now has Jeebus.

Danniella said:

“I have given my life to the Lord. The first time I came to this church, I felt -something so spiritual and amazing, I wanted to cry. After a few visits I found myself walking up to the altar to ask the Lord for forgiveness for my sins.It was an incredible ¬experience. I have realised that there have been things I have struggled with, like guilt, that I would have never found a solution for. Because there are things that a therapist cannot give me – that I can only get from Jesus Christ.”

But surely there is some sort of induction process to make you a proper Born Again Christian? It can’t be easy as just walking in to a Church, knocking back a goblet of wine and dressing in a sheet? Because we’re not religious nutters, we can only imagine that an individual has to lie down on the floor of a church while the congregation wrap potential members in ripped up pages of the Bible until a caterpillar like cocoon is formed. When oxygen is expelled, the cleansing of the person’s soul is complete.

We’ve yet to find God; it seems he/she/it a tricky one to capture. The last time we checked down the back of the sofa, we found a 17p in change and a dried condom. Perhaps God is testing us?

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She may have officially become one of the world’s dullest people, not bothering to get into even the most minor of mishaps, but we’re still sticking with the girl.

Because we like Lindsay Lohan – how could we not? She’s given us so much entertainment, so many words to write and so much vitriolic rage to spew. It’s hard to be really very mad at an old friend.

But it wouldn’t seem that hard for Lindsay’s ‘born-again Christian ex-convict of an absentee father’ (copyright Stuart Heritage 2008), Michael Lohan, to give up on his own flesh and blood for mere ‘religious’ reasons. Big Mike has decided he can’t walk his daughter down the aisle should her rumoured gay wedding come to fruition, as it would go against his born-again Christianity belief system.

You’ve got to love religion. Especially when it’s one that you’ve been turned on to about four minutes ago. Whereas your daughter has been around for most of her life. Can’t argue with the man’s priorities, we suppose.

Michael Lohan has said from the very beginning that he would be fine if young Lindsay were to come out publicly as a lesbian, though that is pretty much a given. When you have a daughter that whores herself off to every man in the world (give or take a few billion), gets boozed up on booze every two minutes and possibly has a sex tape where she’s all naked and stuff, well – there’s a lot he’s had to put up with through the years.

Plus we hear Christians are good at that forgiveness lark, so she’s onto a winner there.

But no, it would seem simply walking his daughter a few steps towards her wedding ceremony would prove too much for daddio. Talking to The Scoop, who happened to be listening for some reason, Michael said this collection of words:

“I haven’t heard anything [about an upcoming wedding] from Lindsay, but if she was marrying Sam, I don’t think she’d ask me to walk her down the aisle. She knows about my Christian faith … she just wouldn’t ask.”

But it’s not all doom and gloom from the big Negative Nancy, who still supports his daughter’s choices in life. Even if he acts like he doesn’t, then tries to put any family members or possible family members through the wringer for his own nefarious ways. Michael Lohan went on to say, most likely continuing by using his mouth:

“I want her to be happy and healthy and stay on the right path. If I discuss her relationship, I say that I want her to be happy.”

It would appear to be pretty clean cut and straightforward for once in the world of the Lohans – she is apparently having a gay wedding, he sees this as being against his beliefs so does not wish to be involved. Fair enough.

But when is he going to admit that the real reason he doesn’t want to walk Lindsay down the aisle is because of what is waiting at the end? Frankly, even hecklerspray would be afraid of the sight of Sam Ronson standing at the other side of a room, looking at you as you slowly approach. She’s even worse when she’s wearing those bloody hats – it’s downright menacing.