You remember Boris Johnson, don’t you? He’s the blonde, mop-headed fool that bumbles his way through life from one gaffe to the next. He’s the Mayor of London too. You know, the one that had to be dragged, kicking and screaming, back from holiday during the riots. He’s a big pal of David Cameron. A lot of people vote for him because they think he’s hilarious. Are you following us here?

Good ol’ Boris knows what the important things are though. Whether it’s getting rid of those frightful bendy buses that interrupt everyone’s chauffeur-driven commute or apologising to stars who have suffered racial abuse at the hands of some lobster-skinned British git-bag that probably makes up most of ol’ Boris’ core vote.

Yes, you may remember us reporting that Kelis was racially abused at an airport when she went to go through passport control and now the singer, famous for bringing boys to the yard using milk-based beverages, has gone into more detail on twitter.

Kelis described her abuser, who referred to her as a slave, as a fat, pink-faced British guy. Boris Johnson’s investigation will likely hit a brick wall as the fat, pink-faced British man merges into the collection of other fat, pink-faced British people sloping around Spanish resorts, desperately trying to find a restaurant that will serve up a Full English and a fight.

Former Bullingdon club member Johnson took to twitter to defend the honour of the British people and reassure Kelis in the process;

“Heard about the treatment you received at a UK airport. Want you to know this is not typical. I’m appalled & I’m on the case.”

Kelis was at pains to point out that it was at a Spanish Airport subsequent to this. However, Boris has apparently shut down all major UK airports while he stumbles around with a child’s magnifying glass looking for clues.

The police are being much more proactive and are looking to speak to this fat, pink-faced British man, whose whereabouts have been unknown since the 2010 General Election. It is suggested that he may be able to assist with their enquiries. hecklerspray couldn’t possibly comment on what that means.

If you see him, don’t approach him. He’s a dick.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Sun is in the sky oh why oh why would I wanna be anywhere else? Sun is in the sky oh why oh why, would I wanna be anywhere else?

These are just some of the lyrics that pop starlet Lily Allen wrote about London town, even though London is a city. But never mind her poor geography knowledge for now; we’ve got bigger problems to concentrate on.

As we’ve all seen in the newspapers, knife crime is currently depressing everyone in the UK and making pensioners believe all the yoof of today will stab them, so thank god that Lily Allen has oddly stepped in to save us all from being stabbed by an eight-year-old for a packet of sherbet. There is a god. And she seems to have three nipples.

Of course, Lily Allen can’t end knife crime on her own. You crazy fool, do you really think she’s going to walk up and down Oxford Street with a banner covering herself saying ‘Put down the knifes or I’ll record another album?’ Don’t be silly – instead she enlisted the help of the newly-elected bumbling mayor Boris Johnson.

She’s now officially been given the title of ‘first lady of cutting edge coolness’. Between them, they plan to combat the alarming rate of stabbings in London. Hopefully, they’ll both realise that there are other towns and cities in England and offer advice to those peasant places, too.

Writing on her blog, Lily initially said the following about the latest epidemic that is only really just being picked up by the media:

“We need a knife amnesty, we should put on a big concert to raise awareness and stop the violence. Boris, if you’re listening, call me man!”

Either very keen to meet her or completely strapped of any ideas of his own, the pair met for a consolation over Coco Pops and Ribena. After finishing the meeting with the singer, Boris Johnson commented:

“I welcome any constructive suggestions on combating knife crime and Lily Allen has already proved her commitment to help address this problem. I welcome her proposals and am keen to explore further how she can help us address this serious and distressing problem.”

We’re unsure if a concert is to be put on, but we do know that violent-sounding bands like 36 Crazy Fists, Death Cab For Cutie and Swedish electro outfit The Knife wouldn’t be invited to play. That would be so like totally ironic!