boring - HecklerSpray

Twilight: Breaking Dawn 2 Trailer Released (We’re The Same Boring Temperature Now)

March 26th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

OH MY OMG! We can barely contain our gawping tedium at the news that the first footage from the final instalment of the Twilight saga has debuted online! It has Robert Pattinson in saying the least romantic thing in the world in it!

However, this film is all about?Bella who is played by Kristen Stewart.

In this stupid installment, Bella becomes a vampire, which of course, means she gets the chance to do something that all actors aspire to do – stare menacingly at a deer. Click over to watch the trailer.

Robert Pattinson Shoots His Own Hand And Has Sex Like A Barnyard Animal

March 22nd, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Robert Pattinson? Shooting his own hand off? Surely any right-minded bullet would be too bored in his presence to actually get the gumption to pass through his doughy flesh? Alas, this is the movies where all manner of unlikely things happen!

That’s right – in new flick Cosmopolis, R-Pattz?shoots a Jesus hole in his hand, stabs someone in the eye socket and has lots of sex.

Great news if you’re able to stay awake while he’s on-screen that is.

Piano Dies Of Boredom In Robert Pattinson’s Presence

March 21st, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Kristen Stewart has reportedly bought Robert Pattinson a ?50,000 piano as a surprise. Sadly, the surprise didn’t even vaguely register on Rob’s impressively motionless, grey face. Rumour has it he’s so dull, that he hasn’t blinked in over a decade.

OK! magazine report that Kristen (Robert’s on-screen wife in Twilight) marked the couple’s three-year anniversary by splashing her cash on a top-notch piano.

Alas, music itself is said to have been found on a ledge, threatening to kill itself because the tedium of Pattinson’s company was too much to bear.

Keanu Reeves, The Most Interesting Man Alive, Announces New Bill & Ted Film

March 6th, 2012 By Kris Silver

It's a cold, dark night, the air is still and silent and an eerie calm falls across the leafy street you see before you. Suddenly, you hear a crackle, then a spark of light. Your heart skips a beat; the adrenaline starts to kick in, what was that?

A deafening crash of thunder fills your ears as a bright light emerges from the ground. What's happening? You're heart is racing. Is that a? phone box? WHAT IS GOING ON!

Before you know it, a figure emerges, are they going to kill you, or just probe you? You try to run, but you're too paralysed with fear to move. The figure lurches into the light as you're heart prepares to explode in your chest.

Robert Pattinson And Christina Ricci ‘Naked Most Of The Time’

February 20th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

What do you do when you have absolutely no faith in your own abilities or the films you star in? Why, you throw as much nudity at it as humanly possible! And that’s exactly what’s happening with Christina Ricci and Robert Pattinson in their new film, Bel Ami.

This, of course, is a two-pronged attack – Ricci will appeal to thirtysomethings who are under the belief that they fancy someone ‘a bit different’ while Pattinson is a banker for those wanting to milk the piggybanks of tweens who are just discovering their own genitals.

Basically, this film may fail in the box office, but it’ll flood Tumblr with a million well-lit naked .gifs. That’s how we measure success now, right?

Robert Pattinson States The Insultingly Obvious For Everyone!

February 8th, 2012 By Randy Figgins

He’s got creepy beady eyes and the skin tone of a bad waxwork model.? And the expressive acting of a bad wax work model.? And always seems to be standing awkwardly… like a bad wax work model.

Robert Pattinson, human or wax work, is mind bogglingly famous, the sort of famous that makes teenage girls soil themselves in excited glee at the sound of his name.? Which is odd for someone so incredibly dull.

Showing himself to be surprisingly aware of the world outside of his corner Madame Tussauds Pattinson has made the least shocking revelation ever to make headlines.? The statement also runs the risk of bursting his own fame bubble as his fans realise just how unremarkable he his.? Unremarkable and likely to melt in hot conditions.

Lana Del Rey: Doesn’t Really Care About Music At All, But Expects You To

January 26th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Years ago, a smarter scribe than this wrote of ‘air-conditioner music’, which is to say, music stopped putting something into a room and instead, started trying to remove it. And removing everything out of a room, apart from the earless saps who buy it, is Lana Del Rey, the most tepid popstar in history.

She’s Dido, only NME approved.

And Lana doesn’t really like music. Why should she? She’s a spoiled little rich girl who doesn’t have to worry about striving to make great art or towering pop. In fact, so insincere is Del Rey that she’s constantly thinking about walking away from music. She simply can’t be bothered.

Oh No! Robert Pattinson To Make Rubbish Music On New Album!

January 3rd, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

So dull that even air has been known to ignore and stagnate around him, Robert Pattison is the most baffling superstar ever generated by the various casting couches of Hollywood.

He’s so forgettable that we can’t think of a suitable ending to this sentence.

And now, to add to his impressively tedious acting r?sum?, he’s going to pollute the world of music with an awful album of his music, created with his sister Lizzy, who sometimes has to be reminded of her extremely famous, but ultimately stiflingly dull brother.

Robert Pattinson Wafting His Glans At Twilight Co-Star That Isn’t Kristen Stewart

December 22nd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Robert Pattinson may well be so dull that sometimes, even light itself rejects his presence and that, granted, he’s so riddled with tedium that sometimes his heart forgets to pump his boring blood around his lifeless body…

…but he still manages to pop his doo-dah into the girls. Mystifying.

Of course, everyone has been muttering about Pattz and Kristen Stewart getting it on because, quite clearly, they’re a couple. However, rumour has it that Rob has been flinging his grey peen up the front garden of Twillighter Nikki Reed too! Oh the unbearable horror of it all!

Taylor Lautner To Be Encased In Wax For Molestation Purposes

December 2nd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Vacant bundle of grinning sinew, Taylor Lautner, is going to be immortalised in wax at Madame Tussauds. Cue: WE CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE WAXWORK DUMMY AND THE THING THAT STARRED IN ALL THOSE TWILIGHT FILMS comment.

In all seriousness, there will be very little to differentiate between the wax Lautner and the real one.

Look at him. He’s barely human as it is. He’s just a flickering heart and dormant brain set amongst a tower of resin moulded muscles. He’s the closest thing we’ve got to a walking, talking, livin’ sex-doll for depressed, horny fortysomethings.