The thing about terrorists is this – sure, they’re more than happy to sit giggling in a small room with a flaming gay Austrian for hours on end, but if you put it in an international film, darn it all, they are gonna have to save face.

And when we say save face, we mean they’re gonna have to kill Sacha Baron Cohen. After all, in his Bruno movie he somehow made them all look homo friendly – and something like that could lead to a lot of teasing at the next militant Muslim extremist Christmas gala.

That Bruno movie is doing incredibly well at the box office. Why just this week alone it’s made over $100,000 – and that’s the kind of money that makes Hollywood sequel hungry. Lucky for them, then, the next Bruno film seems to be writing itself. The basic plot is that Sacha Baron Cohen gets his head gruesomely cut off on camera while masked weenies stand around in the background shouting about how Buddha is great. Or whatever. This is perfect for movie-goers that like it heavy on the drama.

Of course for a third film we’d have to either stitch together a story line from deleted scenes or hollow out Sacha’s head to use like a hand puppet. We could maybe let the Jim Henson people do it or something. Imagine if the head tried to join a convent? Classic Baron Cohen!

Now that we’ve got such a sturdy back up plan, maybe it’s not such a bad thing that according to ABC News:

“A Palestinian group that the U.S. State Department has on its terrorist list reportedly has the comedian in its sights after he featured the organization in his current film Bruno in which he plays an openly gay Austrian television host. “We reserve the right to respond in the way we find suitable against this man (Cohen),” the Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigades said in a statement released to WorldNetDaily.com, an independent news Web site.”

Now those terrorists just need to calm down – they could learn a lesson or two from Paula Abdul – she hasn’t threatened to kill anybody since she got taken. Cohen doesn’t seem worried about his would-be assassins though. When asked for a response, he said simply:

“Well I hope the terrorists being embarrassingly shown is such a poor light will inspire them to tame their nuclear ambitions, and to worship the Almighty in a less violent, yet still respectful manner.”

Noble. If it’s true that is Noble, Cohen.

The terrorist group – well their name is Al Aqsa, and they claim to have broken up slowly over the past two years. Exact reasons have never been given, but inner-circle mumblings seem to indicate a member or two wanting solo careers. How exactly they ended up on camera is unclear, but what’s important is they all seem to have equally good acting chops. Let’s clean them up, teach them how to read scripts and get them married off to Jennifer Aniston.

We hear repeatedly that she’s on the market.

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Yes, the latter has once again happened, with Cohen’s Bruno being sued for allegedly hurting a woman in a bingo hall quite badly.

Normally this would bring cries of derision from hecklerspray, but this time it looks a bit different…

Where normally Sacha Baron Cohen is sued for having a sense of humour, mocking idiots and preying on those with deep-seated resentment of “the blacks” “the jews” or “the foreigns” (or is simply punched in the face), this time – if early indications are anything to go by – there may be legs on the case.

During filming for the upcoming Bruno movie Cohen visited a bingo hall in Palmdale, California, back in 2007. While he had been billed as a celebrity guest, his presence probably didn’t go down too well – if it did, it would be a bit of a shit film, let’s be honest.

No, what allegedly happened was that Sacha/Bruno was involved in an altercation with the bingo caller – one Richelle Olson – which (allegedly) left her so dazed that she ended up collapsing and hitting her head on a concrete slab. Allegedly, this has (allegedly) left her disabled, has made her lose a great deal of weight and has generally made her life a lot worse, pushing her to sue for unspecified damages.

Allegedly.

What isn’t alleged is what Olson herself said of the allegedly fateful day, which was as follows, according to (*shudder*) The Daily Express:

She accuses the star of using “vulgar and offensive language” when he took the stage to call the numbers during the bingo game, and when she tried to snatch the microphone from him she alleges a “physical struggle ensued.”

The legal papers allege Cohen “offensively touched, pushed and battered” Olson, causing her to fall to the ground.

She goes on to accuse several camera operators, who were filming the event, of rushing onto the stage where “defendants attacked (her) for a period of one to five minutes to intentionally create a dramatic emotional response… while (they) recorded her humiliation and embarrassment.”

It all sounds pretty horrible, to be fair, but at the same time it’s hard to take any of these cases seriously when the vast majority of them are nothing but embarrassed morons feeling bad that they’ve been shown up. Time will tell if this is one of those cases or if it carries on and leads Sacha Baron Cohen to rethink how far he goes with his film stunts.

It probably won’t, let’s be honest here. Lawsuits will have been expected from day one, especially after the three billion other ones (eight was an overstatement) that came along in the wake of Borat. And lest we forget, this is a man who is willing to bleach all of his body hair for a laugh.

Ich vas wrong when I thought that Sacha Baron Cohen’s camp crusader, Bruno, would be a slice of cringe-worthy crap.

The Cambridge educated comedian is back on form after Borat and causes a storm of trouble as a gay Austrian fashionista. Censors in the US are not amused and consider his homosexual humour to be ‘over the line’.

So far they’ve rated Bruno NC-17, which means the film may not see a commercial release but is guaranteed to be good.

Watch Cohen defend himself from dildos, adopt an African child (he names him OJ) and turn a fashion show into a spectacle as he dons a velcro jumpsuit. He manipulates a pack of gun-toting, gay-hating rednecks, causes outrage in a room full of fat black women and turns up to army training clad in Dolce & Gabbana. Shock, outrage and public anal sex comes to silver screen along with another stupid accent that will last for years.

As expected, the Ali G actor never misses a chance to poke fun at his own religion and gets a pack of orthodox Jews to chase him down the street. Sacha Baron Cohen is an international pariah once again, Don’t miss him.

[story by Alex de Moller]

She’d charge $12 a pop to watch, and when enough people were gathered around she’d let the beasts out of their cages. Those pandas are savage animals too – we saw them skin a guy once. It was a half-dead senior citizen, but a guy nonetheless.

But all that was when the pandas were younger. With the passing of time came panda-related geriatric problems. Also with the passing of time came a strange gay-panda love affair. It was actually horrific – not that anything’s wrong with that.

That experience is why we feel we can relate so well to a whole bunch of people in Arkansas. They showed up for a vicious cage fight, and what they got instead was two grown mean undressing each other in a flurry of lust and passion.

And you know who people are blaming? Borat. We mean Bruno. People are blaming Bruno.

Picture it – you spent all day polishing your finest brass knuckles until they gleam just so in the sunlight. You practice knee kicks on your wooden karate thingy for over an hour and you inject several numbing agents into both your face and groin.

When it’s time for the bout, you step into the ring full of confidence. Your opponent winds up, you brace for the impact, but instead of hitting you he licks your neck a whole bunch and tells you there are flowers from him back in your locker. You casually thank him, and notice for the first time that his eyes are the perfect shade of blue.

That was all from page three of our brother’s autobiography – word for word. The following four chapters are more of the same – it’s pretty redundant, actually. He calls it science fiction, and he’s still looking for a publisher.

Sacha Baron Cohen may have read some of it. We’re far from sure about that, but CNN explains our suspicions:

“Crowds in Arkansas came for the lure of cage fighting and $1 beer, but police say what they got instead was men ripping each others’ clothes off and kissing — a stunt suspected of being orchestrated by Sacha Baron Cohen of “Borat” fame. We had a contract for cage fighting. We were deceived,” said Dwight Duncan, president and CEO of Four States Fair Grounds in Texarkana, where the first of two Arkansas fights raised suspicions last month.”

Outside of Soho, San Francisco, and the lavender apartment our third step-dad eventually moved into, the cage-match crowd isn’t generally the sort that would take kindly to passionate displays of homosexuality where their stomach-jabs and face-punches are supposed to be.

That’s why immediately following the match, every male that looked effeminate within a five mile radius was rounded up, taken to a local park and tickled for no less than 20 minutes – which is ironic, as we’ve heard that’s kind of ‘a thing’ in those circles.

It’s just what we heard.

But that isn't the case at all – there are still some unwitting stars of Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan who have only just got round to suing the makers of the movie for the way they were led to appear in it. The latest Borat-suer is driving instructor Michael Psenicska, who is seeking unspecified damages from producers. It's an important lawsuit, too, because it means that almost everyone who appeared in the Borat movie has now tried to sue – and it'll be a clean sweep once we've convinced those two Jewish cockroaches from the guest house scene that they were unfairly represented.

As funny as it was at the time, Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan has just caused nothing but trouble since it was released. If Borat was never released, for example, then maybe Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson would still be together, plus Borat wouldn't have been punched in the face so many times by angry drunkards.

But most of all, without Borat there'd be no pile after pile of tedious lawsuits from people who gave their consent to appear in the film without realising that it was actually a comedy. So far Borat creator Sacha Baron Cohen has been sued by Romanian dildo-hand villages, the insufferable gang of frat boys from the movie, a man who ran away from Borat and someone who wasn't even in Borat but could have been.

And now to that list we can add Michael Psenicska, who made up this portion of the Borat movie…

According to reports, Michael Psenicska is suing Sacha Baron Cohen, One America Productions and 20th Century Fox for the way he says he was misled into giving his consent to appear in the movie along with the emotional harm he continues to experience, presumably from swarthy eastern European men who want to become his boyfriend. 

However, 20th Century Fox isn't having any of it, and says that Psenicska is only suing the movie because it made a lot of money at the box office:

"The fact is that Mike Psenicska gave the producers his consent. He signed a release and we have an agreement. Now, 2 1/2 years after giving his consent, and more than one year after the movie was released, Mr. Psenicska has decided to file a lawsuit, citing the financial success of the film, in spite of our agreement."

Where the lawsuit goes from here is anybody's guess, but for everyone's sake we hope that Michael Psenicska is unsuccessful. After all, if he were to win damages it would set a precedent that everyone else who Sacha Baron Cohen has ever even spoken to would follow. And that'd probably change the dramatic structure of the forthcoming Bruno film, too – from another satirical look into the heart of America to 90 minutes of a man dressed in a vaguely homosexual way sitting on a sofa by himself in silence.

Read more:

Another unwitting "Borat" cast member files lawsuit - Reuters