Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
There's isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish that Mr. T was there to guide me?when I’m confronted with one of life?s problems??But here I am, nailed to the brittle cross of adulthood left screaming to the heavens, ?Mr. T, Mr. T, why have you forsaken me?? ?Because Mr. T was once there to aid me as well as others in our youth with the myriad of troubles we encountered.
Sometimes a book is so seminal that any talk of a sequel is shot down in a series of fan-based derogatory comments about the author wanting to suck on someone?s nipples or wanking at the altar of capitalist pigs.
As Enid Blyton could testify to if she were here today. Sometimes they work, and sometimes they are the worst thing since bread came brown.
Well Stephen King, him what wrote all those famous horror books, has unveiled a chapter of his upcoming sequel to The Shining. As we all know, The Shining is the one with the little boy who has powers, not the one with the girl who loses her loaf when she gets her first period. Or the one with the killer car.
Jarvis Cocker is something of a national treasure. There’s no John Peel to represent the nerdy music enthusiasts, so the Pulp frontman has somehow found himself filling in for Peel, a man who also wasn’t particularly happy with being the focal point for other, likeminded losers.
However, there’s bad news of sorts.
Jarvis Cocker is ostensibly quitting music because he’s gone and got himself a 9-to-5 job. No, honestly. This isn’t a joke. What job? Well, the kind of job that will make everyone coo ‘Oh Jarvis, you are brilliant aren’t you?’
We might have confused some of you hip modern readers with the above headline. What the gubbins is this book thing we're talking about? You may have heard about one of these strange objects but aren't these strange creations just items that appear in museums and old fashioned buildings known as libraries?
These days, traditional print media is being replaced by glass and electronics courtesy of iPads and Kindles. All this basically means, is that, if posh people get in to fights, they can glass someone with an educational device.
However, in the olden days, Enid Blyton wrote things that ended up on ‘paper’. And she was rather successful. She was one of the most famous children?s storytellers who ever lived and she's estimated to have sold around 500 million books around the world. A new work entitled Mr Tumpy’s Caravan might provide a moment of nostalgia for those who read her works when growing up.
The big news this week is that Jessica Simpson can read. You heard. She’s been taking classes in how to become a functioning human after she realised that her fame would be fleeting if she relied solely of her looks.
Oh, and let us not forget her singing voice. Pahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Sorry. Now that Jessica Simpson is a proper bookworm, she’s? gravitating to real wordy affairs like the backs of oestrogen pill packets and the front of Pepsi cans. Better yet, she’s sharing her love of words with her fianc? Eric Johnson.
Have you seen Gossip Girl? Do you hate it? Then it really doesn’t make sense for you to read this article does it? You really are toweringly dim aren’t you? Anyway, those of you left who LURVE Gossip Girl, or indeed, just like trying to win free things, your luck is in!
The picture to the right of this article, coupled with the words you read in the headline, should tell you that you can win some Gossip Girl goodies. Goodies, in this instance, means a bunch of Gossip Girl books and a signed DVD for the first two seasons. If you’re British, ‘seasons’ means series.
If you’re American, you can’t enter anyway… and the DVD probably wouldn’t work on your DVD player. Anyway! Want to win stuff? Then, as ever, click over the jump for the details and such.
Sex and The City was a sitcom or something.
We never watched it, but it appears the main plot was bestiality based, as every episode contained 60 solid minutes of different men totally doing a big-nosed horse named Carrie.
Like we said, we never watched it.
Its target audience was perverted middle-aged women. It was so popular it spawned a movie that we think was about Spider-Man riding Carrie in several derbies, claiming swift victories everywhere they went. We never saw that one either.
Well if you loved the TV show, and you loved the movie – then you are totally gonna dig the two pre-teen Carrie-based books that are getting smeared all over Barnes & Noble really soon. That’s right – there are some novels about to come out about Carrie’s sexy adventures in high school.
Chapter one is about a horny janitor. Sorry to ruin plot.
Generally speaking, the cast of The Hills are such a bundle of obnoxiously overprivileged mimsies that they seem incapable of wiping their own bottoms by themselves.
But there’s always an exception to the rule, and in this case it’s Lauren Conrad. True, she might spend her entire life trapped in an oblivious richie rich bubble – a bubble that most sane people would like to take a flaming cricket bat to – but you can’t say that Lauren Conrad doesn’t possess basic English skills.
That’s because Lauren Conrad has just signed up to write three young adult fiction books that she totally would have been asked to write anyway even if she wasn’t on TV all the poxy time. We don’t know about you, but we think that these Lauren Conrad books are going to be the best young adult fiction books written by a woman we’ve never heard of from a TV show that we actively dislike ever. Yay for books!
Triple-nippled pop Cabbage Patch Kid Lily Allen has been named as one of the judges of next year's prestigious Orange Broadband Prize For Fiction.
Understandably, this news has shocked the higher echelons of the literary world, who think that the Orange Prize judging panel should be made up of people who have actually written books rather than Lily Allen, a girl whose greatest literary achievement was rhyming the words 'door' and 'crackwhore' in a song once. But that's just the expected knee-jerk reaction – actually Lily Allen is surprisingly well-read and happily lists her favourite books as "Hary Poter 1, Harri Pottur 2, Haryy Puttr 3, Arri Potoor 4 and Epistolarity: Approaches to a Form by Janet Gurkin Altman."
No, our mistake. That last one should read "Hurriy Botturr 5."
The good people of Rotherham know all about famous people – after all, the town is responsible for producing not just Jive Bunny and the Chuckle Brothers but the fat bloke from Hi-de-Hi, too.
However, that's all been blown out of the water now that Dolly Parton has bewilderingly decided to use Rotherham as the UK launchpad of her new pre-school literacy drive. From now on, thanks to Dolly Parton's good work, every child born in Rotherham will receive one book a month until they are five. Sounds like a good idea, but it really isn't – what Dolly Parton doesn't know is that Rotherham is also the UK base for the Children's Picture Books For Packets Of Hard Drugs trading foundation, along with being a crucial annex of the worldwide Stack Kid's Book On Top Of Each Other Until We Get High Enough To Kill God campaign. Poor Dolly Parton, she's just a patsy in all of this.
