Articles tagged with: Books
Sex and The City was a sitcom or something. We never watched it, but it appears the main plot was bestiality based, as every episode contained 60 solid minutes of different men totally doing a big-nosed horse named Carrie. Like we said, we never watched it. Its target audience was perverted middle-aged women. It was so popular it spawned a movie that we think was about Spider-Man riding Carrie in several derbies, claiming swift victories everywhere they went. We never saw that one either. Well if you loved the TV show, and you loved the movie - then you are totally gonna dig the two pre-teen Carrie-based books that are getting smeared all over Barnes & Noble really soon. That's right - there are some novels about to come out about Carrie's sexy adventures in high school. Chapter one is about a horny janitor. Sorry to ruin plot.
Generally speaking, the cast of The Hills are such a bundle of obnoxiously overprivileged mimsies that they seem incapable of wiping their own bottoms by themselves. But there's always an exception to the rule, and in this case it's Lauren Conrad. True, she might spend her entire life trapped in an oblivious richie rich bubble - a bubble that most sane people would like to take a flaming cricket bat to - but you can't say that Lauren Conrad doesn't possess basic English skills. That's because Lauren Conrad has just signed up to write three young adult fiction books that she totally would have been asked to write anyway even if she wasn't on TV all the poxy time. We don't know about you, but we think that these Lauren Conrad books are going to be the best young adult fiction books written by a woman we've never heard of from a TV show that we actively dislike ever. Yay for books!
Triple-nippled pop Cabbage Patch Kid Lily Allen has been named as one of the judges of next year's prestigious Orange Broadband Prize For Fiction.
Understandably, this news has shocked the higher echelons of the literary world, who think that the Orange Prize judging panel should be made up of people who have actually written books rather than Lily Allen, a girl whose greatest literary achievement was rhyming the words 'door' and 'crackwhore' in a song once. But that's just the expected knee-jerk reaction - actually Lily Allen is surprisingly well-read and happily lists her favourite books as "Hary Poter 1, Harri Pottur 2, Haryy Puttr 3, Arri Potoor 4 and Epistolarity: Approaches to a Form by Janet Gurkin Altman."
No, our mistake. That last one should read "Hurriy Botturr 5."
The good people of Rotherham know all about famous people - after all, the town is responsible for producing not just Jive Bunny and the Chuckle Brothers but the fat bloke from Hi-de-Hi, too.
However, that's all been blown out of the water now that Dolly Parton has bewilderingly decided to use Rotherham as the UK launchpad of her new pre-school literacy drive. From now on, thanks to Dolly Parton's good work, every child born in Rotherham will receive one book a month until they are five. Sounds like a good idea, but it really isn't - what Dolly Parton doesn't know is that Rotherham is also the UK base for the Children's Picture Books For Packets Of Hard Drugs trading foundation, along with being a crucial annex of the worldwide Stack Kid's Book On Top Of Each Other Until We Get High Enough To Kill God campaign. Poor Dolly Parton, she's just a patsy in all of this.
Aside from outing wizards and rolling around naked in a in a dump-truck full of money cackling at God, JK Rowling hasn't found a whole lot to do with her time since she put the finishing touches to Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows.
Actually that's not strictly true - since Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows was completed, JK Rowling has written a set of fairytales. But these are fairytales with a difference, because a) they've been hand-written by JK Rowling, b) they were mentioned in Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows and c) instead of being published they're going to be given away and auctioned off for charity. And they'll be the absolute last word on Harry Potter, except for the last two films, the merchandise, the theme park and the forthcoming sculpture of Harry Potter that JK Rowling is having carved into the moon along with the legend "I'm a lot richer than you, you know. Love JK" written in Garamond - the fanciest font.
