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Book

Nicolas Cage Sues Kathleen Turner Over Dog-Stealing

by Stuart Heritage

To people of a certain age with very specific brain malfunctions, Nicolas Cage and Kathleen Turner are the epitome of sex and grace. So it’s a shame they’re out to get each other.

Fed up with a passage in her autobiography claiming that he’s not only a drink-driver but a brazen chihuahua-thief, Nicolas Cage has decided to sue Kathleen Turner for everything she’s got – which at the last count totalled three boxes of Serial Mom VHS tapes, some elastic-waisted jeans and half a packet of Lockets.

Still, Kathleen Turner should count herself lucky that Nicolas Cage is only suing her – it’s only common decency that’s stopping him from jumping into his old bear suit and smacking her right in the face.

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You! Write The New James Bond Theme!

by Stuart Heritage

You heard right – there’s a competition to write the theme-tune to the new James Bond.

Relax, nobody wants you to write the theme-tune to new James Bond film A Quantum Of Solace – the least rhymable 007 movie since 1977′s The Spy Who Loved Oranges – but the new James Bond book Devil May Care. Interested? Then read what we’ve just been sent:

Musicians and James Bond fans across Britain have the rare chance to be a part of 007′s iconic history as Penguin announces its search for the theme tune to Devil May Care, the eagerly awaited new Bond novel written by Sebastian Faulks. From today visitors to uk.myspace.com/devilmaycarebook have the chance to create an original piece of music for the new Bond book which is published on 28th May, the centenary of Ian Fleming’s birth. The winning track will become the book’s official theme tune and will be featured on the Devil May Care audio book, published on the same day. This will be the first theme tune to accompany a James Bond book and will later be available as a free digital download.

OK, it’s not quite as prestigious as writing the theme-tune to a James Bond film, but this is clearly an opportunity not to be missed; Devil May Care rhymes with everything. Breville-Made Hair, Level-A Bear, Dishevel Day Fair, Bevel Clay Square – see? Everything.

If you do fancy having a pop at this songwriting challenge, remember that your entries have to be in by February 25. And if you could fit in a verse about finding out about the competition on a blog called hecklerspray that can sort of be quite good every now and then, we’ll love you forever.

Read more:

Devil May Care MySpace Competition

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Jay Leno Wins Joke-Based Lawsuit, Remains Woefully Unfunny

by Stuart Heritage

You should never rip off one of Jay Leno’s jokes – mainly because it’s bound to be so unfunny that you’ll lose your job, be dumped by your girlfriend and end up dying alone on the streets.

But also there’s a chance that Jay Leno will sue you and win. And that’s what’s just happened. Jay Leno has just won a lawsuit against Judy Brown, who published compendiums containing jokes stolen from his routines.

And as a result Judy Brown will have to publish something less funny instead, like… nope, there isn’t any less funny than one of Jay Leno’s jokes.

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JK Rowling Wants To Write One More Harry Potter Book

by Stuart Heritage

Ever since Harry Potter was conceived, JK Rowling has insisted that his story was only seven books long – except that now it’s over she’s starting to wonder if it could stretch to eight.

By writing the final Harry Potter book at some point over the last 12 months, JK Rowling scored herself a runner-up spot on the Time Person of The Year List – she would have come first if it wasn’t for that bloody Vladimir Putin – and that seems to have made her wonder out loud about writing another Harry Potter book. Don’t get too excited, though, because the new Harry Potter book is at least a decade away – coming after the final Harry Potter movie, the opening of the Harry Potter theme park, the Harry Potter On Ice tour and the vastly unsuccessful Harry Potter Sings Julio Iglesias CD of Spanish language seduction ballads planned for March 2014.

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New JK Rowling Book Bought With More Money Than Sense

by Matthew Laidlow

Because it’s Christmas time, it’s time to wander around the high street like everyone else to try and buy presents for your cherished loved ones.

Well that’s a lie – actually you have to purchase stuff for relatives you see once every three years who still call you Jimmy by mistake and who keep on getting you a Now compilation CD because they think its “cool”. Anyhow, at the end of December your bank balance is as dry as the turkey your mum serves up on Christmas day and you don’t have any money to go out on New Years Eve even though everything is overpriced and generally shit anyway. However, somebody out there has too much money. Instead of lending us a tenner so we can do better than buying supermarket-brand aftershave for our dad, they’ve only gone out and spent $4 million dollars on the JK Rowling book.

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Britney Spears’ Ma Writes Ill-Judged Parenting Guide

by Stuart Heritage

As humans, it’s only natural that we look at Britney Spears from time to time and think “Golly, someone really did a bang-up job of raising that little delight to be a well-rounded and conscientious member of society.”

However, our feeling of admiration at the exemplary way that Britney Spears was raised into the angel she is today is often tempered with a deep burning resentment at the fact that, no matter what we do, we’ll never be able to bring up our children to be anywhere near the glowing standard of saintly humanity that Britney Spears has set. So we can’t believe our luck that Britney Spears’ mother Lynne Spears is all set to publish Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World next year. It’s basically a how-to manual for anyone who wants to raise their kids to be just like Britney Spears. We’re especially looking forward to the chapter about pushing your young child relentlessly through the machinations of fame at the obvious cost of her mental safety.

No, wait, that’s the whole book. Our mistake.

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