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Book

Madonna Still Not Admitting Defeat About Her Hopeless Marriage

by Stuart Heritage

Ask anyone – anyone – to tell you a fact about Madonna and they’ll either mention her grotty fanny or her divorce.

OK, maybe not anyone. Ask Madonna and, while it’s entirely possibly that she’ll wheel out a hilarious anecdote about her own vagina, there’s no way on Earth that she’ll bring up her divorce.

That’s because, despite relentless gossip to the contrary, Madonna is still maintaining that she’s not going to divorce Guy Ritchie. And that’s fact. Madonna’s brother, who hasn’t really seen Madonna that much in almost a decade, said so. And facts don’t get any more factier than that.

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Kerry Katona’s Mother: Officially Just As Hideous As Daughter

by C J Davies

Hecklerspray only recently learned that Kerry Katona was actually born – we simply thought she’d congealed, popping up Master-And-Margarita style on the outskirts of some grim Northern town, swathed in chip fat and possessing the piercing dead eyes of a truly soulless abomination.

Nah. Turns out that she has a mum.

Warning: if you’ve just eaten, you may want to avoid reading this report for a short while. On the other hand, if you’re bulimic – and need a horrific mental image to really spur on that gag reflex – please allow us to be of service. Ready? O-kay.

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Geri Halliwell’s New Book Lets Her Babble On Endlessly For Once

by Stuart Heritage

Since that Austrian house of horrors incest sex dungeon was found, parents everywhere have questioned their own parenting standards.

Which is a shame for Geri Halliwell, because her new children’s book is being released today, and reading a Geri Halliwell book to a child is only a couple of notches down from locking them in a cellar for 24 years and getting them pregnant against their will.

We’re joking, of course – Geri Halliwell’s book is just a bit of harmless fun. It doesn’t compare at all. But Geri Halliwell promoting the book by banging on and on and on and on about herself forever? We don’t know about you, but actually that does feel like being raped by your father in an incest dungeon in Austria.

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15-Year-Old Miley Cyrus To Write Her Bra-Heavy Memoirs

by Stuart Heritage

Miley Cyrus has conquered every medium she’s tried; TV, film, music, reputation-sullying internet underwear photos – she’s queen of them all.

But what about the world of autobiographies? Why, no. Of course not. Miley Cyrus is only 15 years old. For Miley Cyrus to write an autobiography at such a young age would be to insult the intelligence of her fans in just about the most unforgivable way possible. That’s something we can all agree on.

Well, all of us except Miley Cyrus and the Disney Book Group, because it’s been announced that the Miley Cyrus memoirs are coming out soon. We’re especially looking forward to the chapter about how, by the age of 12, Miley Cyrus had more money than all of us would ever earn from a lifetime of backbreaking physical labour combined. Fun!

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Nicolas Cage Officially Won’t Kidnap Your Dog

by Stuart Heritage

Of all celebrity feuds, none have been odder than the one between Kathleen Turner and Nicholas Cage about whether or not he stole someone’s chihuahua once.

It was a serious feud, too – after Kathleen Turner accused Nicolas Cage of stealing chihuahuas and drunken driving in her autobiography, Cage took her to the High Court for it.

But now it’s all come juddering to an end, with Kathleen Turner making a public apology for the claims. Thanks heavens – now we can all stop thinking of Nicolas Cage as the man who stole a chihuahua and go back to thinking of him as the man who runs up hills dressed as a bear and punches girls square in the face. It’s his comfort zone, if you will.

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Bobby Brown Not At All Bitter About Whitney Houston, Ahem

by Stuart Heritage

The general opinion of Bobby Brown is that he’s so impossibly unlikeable that it’s beyond the realms of human thought to imagine him being much more of an arsehole.

Kids, he’s done it.

You know how you think that Bobby Brown was the wife-beating idiot who helped plunge Whitney Houston into a spiral of hard drug addiction? Didn’t happen. Bobby Brown has written a book where he claims that Whitney Houston was the one who introduced him to all the drugs. Which all seems so obvious now – what was Whitney Houston’s pre-Brown dancefloor-filler My Name Is Not Susan if not the desperate shriek of a burnt-out husk debilitatingly hooked on delicious antifreeze?

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Olsen Twins Write Book That No Sensible Human Will Read

by Stuart Heritage

Ever wondered who’s influenced the Olsen twins the most? No, us neither – move along.

No, wait, come back. Just because you don’t care who influenced the Olsen twins, we don’t care who influenced the Olsen twins and we’d be frankly stunned if even the Olsen twins cared who influenced the Olsen twins, the Olsen twins are writing a book all about the people who have influenced them.

The book – tentatively titled I Totally Like That, You Know, Old Film Guy Who’s, Like Dead And Stuff – doesn’t have a release date. But that doesn’t matter, because if you’re thinking about buying the Olsen twins’ book, we’ll come and beat you up.

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Zsa Zsa’s Husband: ‘See? Anna Nicole & I Totally Did It In This Book I Wrote’

by Shawn Lindseth

First off, let us just say that Larry Birkhead is a hack. We don’t find it a coincidence that Dannielynn’s DNA magically turned out to match his – no not by a long shot.

Her true father, the mighty and good Prince Frederic Von Anhalt, had a piece of his posterity ripped away from him when Birkhead somehow harnessed the power of science to biologically change every single chromosome in Dannielynn’s body moments before a father-determining court inquisition. It was quite rude, actually.

Most of the world fell for this – not us though. There was never any doubt in our mind that when Freddy wasn’t stuffing romance down the throat of thousand year old Zsa Zsa Gabor, he was spraying down Anna Nicole Smith like a beagle in heat.

You don’t believe him? Well he’s putting out a book to prove it.

A book we said – one with words and what-not.

First off, let us just say that Larry Birkhead is a hack. We don't find it a coincidence that Dannielynn's DNA magically turned out to match his - no not by a long shot. Her true father, the mighty and good Prince Frederic Von Anhalt, had a piece of his posterity ripped away from him when Birkhead somehow harnessed the power of science to biologically change every single chromosome in Dannielynn's body moments before a father-determining court inquisition. It was quite rude, actually. Most of the world fell for this - not us though. There was never any doubt in our mind that when Freddy wasn't stuffing romance down the throat of thousand year old Zsa Zsa Gabor, he was spraying down Anna Nicole Smith like a beagle in heat. You don't believe him? Well he's putting out a book to prove it. A book we said - one with words and what-not.
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Jordan’s Dreary Drug Tale Not About Cocaine, Apparently

by Stuart Heritage

Being involved in a marriage primarily because it furthers you as a brand and gives you more shitcake anecdotes to fill your endless mind-numbing autobiographies with must be quite hard.

So it’s no surprise that Jordan got smashed on drugs not so long ago and wound up contemplating suicide.

But here’s the thing – although she’s admitted drug use, Jordan won’t say what drug she took. But she has ruled out cocaine, which means that Jordan wanted to kill herself after a binge on either heroin, prescription pills, non-prescription pills or Fisherman’s Friends. And when was the last time you saw Jordan with a cold, huh?

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OMG: Jordan Book Launch XXX Nipple Slip Excursion Etc

by Paul Sorrenti

OMG guys, OMG!!!! OK, let’s all calm down. We know it’s hard! (No pun intended – OMG – we actually did intend that pun!! OMG what are we like!?!?) But let’s all take a breather and compose ourselves.

Tits!! Sorry.

Tits. Sex! TITS SEX TITS BOOBS! No! Really sorry guys!

OK. Phew.

Right, we really have calmed down now. Sorry about all that but, taking it as read that you, dear reader, are human and are aware of the potent brain retarding powers of the sexual image, then you can no doubt fully empathise with hecklerspray’s frat boy like reaction to the extraordinary nipple sighting of one of Britain’s most respected authors, Katie Price, at her latest book launch.

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