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Book

People In ‘Buying A JK Rowling Book’ Shocker

by Stuart Heritage

We’re not heroin addicts, but if we were – and heroin was made of books about rubbish schoolboy wizards – we’d be screwed.

Because if that was true, then JK Rowling would be our dealer. And Rowling is a mean dealer, too – she’s been withholding our supply, probably until we break down and agree to let her become our pimp or something – but yesterday JK Rowling threw us a lifeline.

Because yesterday JK Rowling released her new book The Tales Of Beedle The Bard – kind of like the methadone to Harry Potter’s hardcore skag – and somewhat predictably it instantly became a bestseller.

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JK Rowling Writes A Book About, Oh, You Guessed

by Stuart Heritage

Ever since the last Harry Potter book came out, there’s been a lack of shamefaced adults reading kid’s books on the tube.

And that’s because now everyone’s reading Twilight instead, despite the fact that reading a staunchly conservative abstinence manifesto dressed up as a slushy emo romance fantasy in front of other adults is far worse than reading Harry Potter.

So hooray for JK Rowling, who tomorrow releases her new Harry Potter spin-off book The Tales of Beedle the Bard, either for charity or to help us identify idiots more easily on the tube. Merry Christmas to you too, JK!

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Amazon Pulls Stupid Scientology Book, Author Blames Stupid Tom Cruise

by Shawn Lindseth

When the powers that be ordered all American readings of Huckleberry Finn be cancelled, the US school system complied immediately. And for good reason too – the western world simply wasn’t ready for its interracial NAMBLA undertones. You know who was ready though? Perverts. But that’s besides the point. Books still get banned you know. [...]

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Maureen McCormick: Here’s The Story Of A Spazzed-Out Druggie

by Stuart Heritage

Looking back, the world fell in love with Marcia Brady because of her adorable hollow eyes and her wholesome trembling hyperactive paranoia.

That’s the reason why everyone’s favourite episodes of The Brady Bunch is the one where Marcia Brady plumbs the squalid depths of addiction thanks to her years growing up in an abusive family, trading sex for drugs and being forced to deal with unwanted pregnancies. And that episode where Marcia Brady gets hammered on Quaaludes in Sammy Davis Jr’s house? Oh Marcia Marcia Marcia.

Wait, they’re not episodes of The Brady Bunch at all – they’re excerpts from Maureen McCormick’s new book, Here’s The Story: Surviving Marcia Brady And Finding My True Voice. You might think that Maureen McCormick has reached a new pitiful low by detailing her battles with depression and drug addiction in a book for cash, but you’re wrong – she’s nowhere near the pitiful low benchmark set by her participation in A Very Brady Christmas.

Looking back, the world fell in love with Marcia Brady because of her adorable hollow eyes and her wholesome trembling hyperactive paranoia. That's the reason why everyone's favourite episodes of The Brady Bunch is the one where Marcia Brady plumbs the squalid depths of addiction thanks to her years growing up in an abusive family, trading sex for drugs and being forced to deal with unwanted pregnancies. And that episode where Marcia Brady gets hammered on Quaaludes in Sammy Davis Jr's house? Oh Marcia Marcia Marcia. Wait, they're not episodes of The Brady Bunch at all - they're excerpts from Maureen McCormick's new book, Here's The Story: Surviving Marcia Brady And Finding My True Voice. You might think that Maureen McCormick has reached a new pitiful low by detailing her battles with depression and drug addiction in a book for cash, but you're wrong - she's nowhere near the pitiful low benchmark set by her participation in A Very Brady Christmas.
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Inside New Britney Spears Book: Just Some Stuff About Her Mum

by Stuart Heritage

On the basis that wearing a nice dress and not crying is the best sign of mental recovery, Britney Spears is clearly back to her best.

So there’s obviously no better time to publish a book about Britney Spears; primarily her struggle with mental illness and her amazing revival. Admittedly it’s still early days – Britney could have a relapse tomorrow and start throwing animals off motorway bridges, rendering the whole book obsolete – but there’s nothing like striking while the iron’s hot, is there?

That’s what Britney Spears’ mother Lynne Spears thinks, because her Britney Spears book Through The Storm comes out next week. Copies have already leaked, and it seems it’s more about what a brave and inspiring mother Lynne is than anything else. Which is true – Lynne Spears has bravely inspired us never to have kids in case we end up raising them as terribly as she’s done with hers.

On the basis that wearing a nice dress and not crying is the best sign of mental recovery, Britney Spears is clearly back to her best. So there's obviously no better time to publish a book about Britney Spears; primarily her struggle with mental illness and her amazing revival. Admittedly it's still early days - Britney could have a relapse tomorrow and start throwing animals off motorway bridges, rendering the whole book obsolete - but there's nothing like striking while the iron's hot, is there? That's what Britney Spears' mother Lynne Spears thinks, because her Britney Spears book Through The Storm comes out next week. Copies have already leaked, and it seems it's more about what a brave and inspiring mother Lynne is than anything else. Which is true - Lynne Spears has bravely inspired us never to have kids in case we end up raising them as terribly as she's done with hers.
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Lynne Spears Literally Sells Literary Daughter

by Shawn Lindseth

If hecklerspray’s mother’s only chance at a decent pension was to write a tell-all book about raising us to adulthood, there’d probably be an entire chapter dedicated to the time an iguana latched onto our nethers during a Caribbean camping trip, and kept its jaw firmly locked all the way back to the mainland.

It got us in an outhouse. We should have brought a flashlight.

Also there’d be a chapter about how that reptile-hanger-onner had us tied up in Customs for a day and a half. If this book actually happens, don’t anybody read it. We’d simply die.

When Britney Spears gets a tell-all book penned by her mother, it doesn’t get to have any lizard encounters included unless its about dancing with them in those new fangled southern churches. What it does get, however, is vivid accounts of Brit-Brit drinking at 13, drugging at 15, and watching her virginity sail over the horizon on the guardrail of a decrepit family tree house.

The tree house bit is probably not an actual excerpt.

If hecklerspray's mother's only chance at a decent pension was to write a tell-all book about raising us to adulthood, there'd probably be an entire chapter dedicated to the time an iguana latched onto our nethers during a Caribbean camping trip, and kept its jaw firmly locked all the way back to the mainland. It got us in an outhouse. We should have brought a flashlight. Also there'd be a chapter about how that reptile-hanger-onner had us tied up in Customs for a day and a half. If this book actually happens, don't anybody read it. We'd simply die. When Britney Spears gets a tell-all book penned by her mother, it doesn't get to have any lizard encounters included unless its about dancing with them in those new fangled southern churches. What it does get, however, is vivid accounts of Brit-Brit drinking at 13, drugging at 15, and watching her virginity sail over the horizon on the guardrail of a decrepit family tree house. The tree house bit is probably not an actual excerpt.
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Tom Cruise Causes Sleeper Puns to Take Over the Internet. We’re Not Happy.

by Ian Dransfield

Tom Cruise is continuing his run of trying to make people think he’s less of a massive mental, religious freak. First he stopped jumping around like a particularly stupid chimp, he stopped going on about Scientology in public – though he did see some of his private video collection released, much to the delight/terror (delete [...]

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Heath Ledger’s Death Nothing to do With the DEA Anymore

by Ian Dransfield

The DEA investigation into the death of Heath Ledger has been closed with a great deal of secrecy, confusion and ‘embarrassment’ all round. Yes, it would seem that everyone involved in the investigation – which covered the whole of the US – can breathe a sigh of relief, as they will not have to present [...]

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Screech To Write The Saved By The Bell Tell-All You Never Wanted

by Stuart Heritage

Poor old Dustin Diamond. His fellow Saved By The Bell alumni have all moved on – Elisabeth Berkley has her nudity and Mario Lopez has his gratuitous self-love, for example – but he hasn’t.

But don’t feel sorry for Dustin Diamond because he’s doomed to spend the rest of his life stereotyped into a perpetual inescapable vacuum where he’ll only be known as Screech from Saved By The Bell to everyone he ever meets all the time forever until he dies, because some good has come out of it.

Dustin Diamond, you see, has decided to use his notoriety to pen a no-holds-barred Saved By The Bell tell-all book that’ll chronicle the cast’s naughty shenanigans in a frank and shocking manner. Honestly? We’re underwhelmed. Now, if there was a Hangin’ With Mr Cooper tell-all book coming out…

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Sean Connery Is A Bit Of A Git To His Son

by Stuart Heritage

Sean Connery would be rubbish on Grumpy Old Men – but stick him in a show called Compulsively Aggressive Old Men Full Of Blind Hatred For Humanity and you’re away.

Or at least that’s the theory. Having made enemies of his friends, neighbours and everyone who’s ever seen Zardoz from start to finish, Sean Connery has now apparently turned on his son Jason.

According to a book written by his ex-wife Diane Cilento, Sean Connery’s tricks have included removing Jason from his will and threatening to kill him during an argument about his name. Apparently it was all an effort to get Jason to stand on his own two feet, and it worked – without Sean’s help Jason would have never founded the My Dad’s A Miserly Bald Sod Who Inexplicably Wants Me Dead support group. Thanks Sean!

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