Remember Tori Spelling? Her dad was a powerful TV man way back when (Love Boat and more) and magically, she ended up with a job on the original Beverley Hills 90210 and… uh… that’s about it.

Now we’ve proved she’s famous enough to talk about (ahem), would you like to see her breasts?

Ah. Ears pricked up now, huh? Well, over the jump, you’ll get to see (we’d better say ‘allegedly’ here) busters and, well, it’s not exactly in the manner which we’re all accustomed to. Get over the jump and see for yourself. Oh. And ‘salami’. Keep that in mind.

So, Tori Spelling’s husband – a man called Dean McDermott – posted a photograph on Twitter (where we got the image from) of his son with a rolling pin on his head. And a dirty spot on their chin too (full marks if that’s the first thing you looked at).

However, in the background, you’ll quite clearly see his wife’s breasts.

Just a quick reminder of salami.

Anyway, this is all a bit peculiar in the realm of leaked photographs of nudey celebrities, but we’re not ones to deny you your thrills, no matter how lame or not-particularly-famous they might be.

So there you have it. Salami.

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Tommy Lee thought he’d done it all.  The drugs, the drink, the Pamela Anderson.

But now one of his employees has gone one better, as photos emerge of him groping up a lady’s big boobs. While flying a blimmin helicopter!

There are some things you do not want to hear over the pilot’s intercom while you’re flying. “Tell Cheryl I love her,” is up there. And now we can add: “Good morning, passengers. My name is Captain David Martz and I am your pilot today. We’re currently flying level at three to four hundred feet, and I’m sucking on a porn star’s tit”.

Pilots face many challenges during the course of their working day: making flight plans, maintaining the aeroplane in a safe and level flying position, deciding whether to have the lark’s tongue or swan’s neck for their cockpit dinner.

Well spare a thought for helicopter pilot David Martz, who has to deal with all of this while at the same time wrestling with a massive pair of pornoknockers. For some reason, photos of this inflight titty-grobbling are causing Martz some problems. Which we don’t get – he’s a hero of the skies as far as we are concerned.

And it seems that the Federal Aviation Authority (the American skypolice) agree with us, because according to TMZ they were “well aware of the escapade and did nothing”. (Not quite true. They actually sent him a cake in the shape of boobies and a letter asking him to “tell us next time you’re gonna do that shit, dude!!!”).

Now the story’s out, though, and the FAA is backpedalling. A spokesthing called McNamara told TMZ that there was“no proof that Martz was flying at the time that the photos were taken”.Whoops. Even Martz himself won’t help them run that line:

“As for McNamara’s claim there was no proof Martz was in the air, you can see the horizon in one of the photos, and you see the airspeed indicator showing the chopper is doing 60 knots (approximately 70 mph). As if that’s not enough, we called Martz this morning and he freely admitted he was flying at the time the photos were taken — he says he was 300 – 400 feet in the air.”

Martz, who handles Tommy Lee‘s chopper when he wants to get it up, gets the last word:  “It’s no big deal. That’s how we roll”.

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Now that another man's unborn baby is living in her stomach, Jessica Alba runs the risk of alienating her biggest market – the horny teenage boy.

And while the pregnancy means that they won't get to see Jessica Alba running around in her skimpies on film for a while, Jessica has thrown them a proverbial bone by talking at length about how big and squashy her newly-engorged boobs are. 

Teenagers, don't wank yourself into a blistered stump just yet – you haven't exactly heard what Jessica Alba has to say yet.

It's hard not to feel sorry for Jessica Alba sometimes. All she wants is to stand out from the crowd but the crowd won't let her. After all, it's not like she's the only pretty, almost-nude girl in Hollywood who churns out films so bad it seems like she's punishing us all for something.

But then Jessica Alba got pregnant – something that finally set her apart from her peers. And then what happened? Every single one of her peers got pregnant, that's what. Now Jessica Alba is back at square one again, having to compete for attention among the likes of Angelina Jolie and Nicole Kidman and Halle Berry and – just to really rub it in – old square-jaw from 24.

So if you were Jessica Alba, what would your next move be? You're right – you'd start banging on about your tits like a woman possessed.

And although Jessica Alba has hinted at her boobies in the past, now it's time for her to describe exactly how massive and round and wobbly and, well, booby her boobies are getting. The Sun reports:

Jessica – who will have her first child with fiance Cash Warren in the spring – said : "I was like: 'Wow, where did these breasts come from?' It was instant. It was great, they're nice, but shocking."

And that's not all – just the other week Jessica Alba was loudly proclaiming that it won't be long until she's got a young mouth clamped to her huge, traffic-stopping, see-them-from-the-moon, marshmallowy boobies:

“Breast-feeding is kind of like the only thing I have been paranoid about – more than giving birth.”

Listen here Jessica Alba – stop it. Stop talking about your boobies. Yes, we know they're gigantic, but we're starting to get the impression that you could somehow manage to shoehorn a reference to your knockers into a serious discussion about international trade deficit, and it's getting old. Enough is enough. Leave your boobies alone.

It'll just make the lecture on how badly the birth messed up your vagina seem less important.

Read more:

'Pregnancy boobs are best' – The Sun