Not so long ago Kanye West performed a set at the Bonnaroo music festival that didn't go so well, possibly because he kept his crowd waiting for eight hours before finally dragging himself onstage at about 4:30am. And since Kanye West is a sage so wise that he rivals all of history's greatest thinkers, he's taken to the internet to construct a well-considered explanation for the mix up.

Just kidding – Kanye West's gone batshit! Properly, 94-exclamation-marks-in-a-row batshit. All-capital batshit. Confused, badly-formed batshit that doesn't make any sense. Hecklerspray commenter batshit. We're scared.

Kanye West is a man you can't help but admire. It doesn't matter how conceited you are or how much power you have, chances are you've probably experienced self-doubt at some point in your life. Even if it happened for a millisecond while you were playing Jenga drunk in boxing gloves during an earthquake, you probably at least have some idea of what self-doubt feels like.

Not Kanye West. It's Kanye West's job to strut around like a ninny telling everyone how brilliant he is at everything. Hold an awards ceremony – even if it's a local village fete awards ceremony for especially large marrows – and you can guarantee that Kanye West will storm the stage and start bitching about how his marrows are undeniably superior to all other marrows past or future. He unironically dresses up as Jesus, for god's sake. The man's a flipping treasure.

Having said that, there are one or two people who'd disagree. Like, for instance, the entire crowd of people who went to see Kanye West's recent performance at Bonnaroo. As previously reported, Kanye West was due on stage at some point around 8:15pm, only to eventually start his set at 4:30 in the morning in front of a handful of bleary-eyed insomniacs who were only hanging about to shout "Kanye sucks!" a lot anyway.

Now, Kanye West has heard this criticism over his Bonnaroo performance, and it's hurt him. He's so hurt that he's decided to write a blog entry detailing his feelings in painful detail. In capital letters. With excessive punctuation. And he probably growled a lot as he was writing it, although that's just a guess. 

The full blog entry is too mind-bogglingly long to publish here in full, and also there's a good chance that it'll destroy your brain forever if you were to try reading it all in one go, so here's a few (genuine) choice snippets:

This Bonnaroo thing is the worst insult I've ever had in my life. This is the most offended I've ever been… this is the maddest I ever will be.  I'm typing so fucking hard I might break my fucking Mac book Air!!!!!!!!

JUST SAY THIS OUT LOUD IN  A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE, "KANYE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT GIVING A GOOD PERFORMANCE."  CAN ANYONE HONESTLY SAY THAT ?????????

PEARL JAM ENDED ONE HOUR LATE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AT THAT POINT WE'RE RACING AGAINST THE SUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The main thrust of Kanye West's argument seems to be that, since his tour is named Glow In The Dark, it should be dark when he performs. At 8:15 when he was scheduled to go onstage it wasn't dark, so Kanye shifted his set to around 2am. But then it took longer than expected to set up his preposterously overblown set, by which time it was 4:30am and getting light again.

It's not Kanye West's fault that his Bonnaroo set went down like a lead balloon, you see, it's night's fault for not being long enough. We await night's apology with bated breath.

Incidentally, this cock-up has already inspired Kanye West's next tour concept – he's going to call it the Shouting In Front Of Several Tired And Disgruntled Hippies tour. It just seems like it'd be a better fit.

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Untitled – Kanye West

Kanye was quite busy though, apparently. He made his congregation wait an hour and a half before he showed his face. In his defense, maybe he was flossing or something after a day of eating only Mike & Ike’s. If you’re gonna get your dentals sufficiently clean that would really take at least an hour.

But the fans didn’t care, and some of them may have even regretted not buying that 50 Cent album instead back when the race was on.

We’re just kidding about that actually – for that to happen he’d probably have to show up late and fire a machine gun into a crowd of babies. Seriously – desperate measures would be needed. Still – the crowd almost stormed the stage by all reports.

The life of a musician is filled with difficult things – like, for instance, having people apply hair gel to every individual strand instead of just lumping it on there like a pauper. No doubt that’s what Kanye was doing backstage while he made a crowd of anxious fans wait an entire hour and a half before he’d grace the stage.

Or maybe he was back there still mourning his mother, who died in the seventies or something but was a really terrific woman while she was here on earth. The waiting crowd had things to do though – like buy a $15 hot dog on a stick, tip an outhouse due to extremely high bottled-water prices, or die under the noon-day sun from a combination of massive drug use and dehydration.

The BBC gives us specific details:

“Festival spokesman Ken Weins said the delay was caused by having to take apart Pearl Jam’s set – after the band finished an hour late – and loading up Kanye West’s equipment, which depicted him as a space traveller whose ship crash-lands. West had originally been scheduled to appear at 2015 on Saturday evening, but he had specifically requested the late night slot. Later on Sunday, pedal steel guitarist Robert Randolph criticised West on stage for disappointing his fans, inspiring more “Kanye sucks” chants.”

Well, we’re not sure we’d perform without our crashed spaceship either. It’s sort of a security blanket. Plus, you could probably use its battery to charge your microphones or something. Imagine that? It’s probably clean energy too – those angry hippies should have taken that into consideration instead of throwing glow sticks on the empty stage and making out with your fat, ugly, toothless girlfriend that probably hadn’t showered since early Tuesday.

That’s right – you reading this, guy? Clean your stupid girlfriend!

Read More:

Late Kanye West Told He Sucks By US Festival Crowd – Gigwise