Have you ever looked at Simon Cowell and thought to yourself; ‘I’d like to get a load of plastic explosives and blow him and his botoxed face off the face of the Earth, just for giggles’?

Well, that’s exactly what Cheryl Cole did yesterday. Remarkably, she did it with the help of the British Army.

We don’t remember seeing Simon Cowell’s face on the infamous War On Terror playing cards though. Paula Abdul, yes, but no Cowell.

The Army, who clearly hate the music that Simon Cowell has unleashed on the world, got their explosive experts to give Cheryl the opportunity to blow up the music mogul.

Cole, while over at Camp Bastion, was thrilled to get the chance to blow something to kingdom come.

Sadly, it was only a dummy of the X Factory Foreman.

Cole apparently said:

“His head needed to be a lot bigger and the trousers could have done with being a lot higher.”

“It was nice to hold the cards for a change. This moment will live in my memory for a long time! They sprang it on me. I had no idea Simon the dummy was going to be blown up. It was good to see everyone having a laugh.”

Yeah. Blowing stuff up is a laugh! We can’t fault that line of thinking.

Unless, of course, you’re blowing up a busy shopping street with a lunchbox filled with explosives strapped to your stomach. That’s marginally less fun.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Tuesday 30th November. At 3.30pm reports of a ‘suspect package’ in London’s Hammersmith started appearing on the internet. Possible bombs in the nation’s capital have never been comedy gold, so we wouldn’t normally mention it were it not for the fact that it all ended happily – except for the foolish bugger who left his luggage unattended – and that the whole incident was covered minute-by-minute by troglodyte comedian Bill Bailey.

That’s right. Not Sky News, who normally LIVE for potentially bloodthirsty, fear-mongering fodder like this. Not the BBC, but cave-dwelling king of whimsy Bill Bailey, who for three hours selflessly gave the world live updates via Twitter from his office at the scene.

And also gave the world three hours off from his increasingly wearisome jokes about ‘orcs’ and ‘klingons’.

You heard us. The entire crisis received world-class news coverage from a bewildered comedian who resembles Captain Caveman’s dad.

At roughly 3.30pm Bill tweeted

‘suspect package incident’ in Hammersmith- cops akimbo – we’ve been coralled indoors. Will keep you posted

Followed shortly after by the deeply unamusing news

Loud explosion heard at end of Ham/smith Grove – streets still empty

Fortunately it turned out to be a controlled explosion and that the threat was in fact minimal to non-existent.

Throughout all this, Bill valiantly kept the world up-to-date with the progress of the bomb squad, the sniffer dogs and which taxi offices were still open before declaring it ‘all clear’.

None of which we can really rip into, as – if it had been us on the scene – we’d have been hiding under our desks shaking like a shitting dog.

What have we learnt from this? For starters, the astonishing news that Bill Bailey has an office, which just seems weird.

And that the world has obviously gone stark staring bonkers.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

10 – That’s the main problem with cats nowadays. No Queensburys…

9 - But what about revenge castration? – Coed

8 – Want to celebrate Christmas with knitting? OK! - Instructables

7 - Quite a brilliant nationwide art installation that you can help with. Honestly, it’s a lovely idea – Britglyph

6 - Hip-hop albums done in Lego. Nobody knows why – Format

5 - Missed that Britney Spears documentary from a few weeks ago? Want to watch all of it now? Really? Oh, OK - Joost

4 -Female serial killers are so adorable, aren’t they? – Mentalfloss

3 - It’s Christmas, so let’s, um, smash up a bomb with a mallet? - Biertijd

2 - Deconstructed Disney. And it’s marvellous – Drawn

1 – 15 ridiculous women. Not a letdown – Jezebel

Stalkers, it's time to raise your game – boxes of dead flowers and jizz-covered photos just won't cut it anymore, not now that Jodie Foster's stalker wants to blow up some airports.

OK, before we get too ahead of ourselves, let's make it clear that the man in question is only Jodie Foster's alleged stalker and that he's only been arrested on suspicion of threatening to blow up just one airport in a handwritten letter.

But either way, Jodie Foster gets all the luck, doesn't she. Never mind blowing up an airports, we'd be happy enough if someone just wanted to trump in a monkey's eye to prove their love for us.

Sometimes you just need Jodie Foster to show you how things are supposed to be done. Not all things, admittedly, just how to be a lesbian and scoring yourselves some top-grade wicked creepy stalkers. But that's enough for now.

Because in that last field alone Jodie Foster is world-class. Forget about throwing rocks into people's gardens or mailing lavender-coloured sex aids to prove that you like someone, when Jodie Foster gets a stalker they'll literally shoot the president of America in the stomach to prove it. That's what happened in 1981 when John Hinckley Jr tried to assassinate Ronald Regan in a bid to impress Jodie Foster, anyway. Flowers would have probably been more appropriate in hindsight.

And if one deranged stalker wasn't enough, it looks as if Jodie Foster has got another one. A man named Michael Smegal was yesterday arrested and charged with mailing a bomb threat – he too once had a thing for Jodie Foster as eFluxMedia reports:

Smegal had sent a hand-written letter to Van Nuys Airport and other local airports containing bomb threats, as well as references to Academy Award-winning actress Jodie Foster. Federal prosecutors said it was very similar to about 100 other letters mailed to people in the Los Angeles area since September 2007.  According to an affidavit by Boston FBI agent Joseph H. Altman, the letter that led to Smegal’s arrest yesterday had been addressed to Van Nuys Airport on Dec. 6; a single sheet of paper was found in the envelope which bore no return address, with the hand-written message “Jodie Foster S” and “going to be a gas bomb this building,” the Globe reports.

Why did Michael Smegal want to blow up an airport? Simple, according to an alleged confession it was because he though that the Screen Actors Guild had offices there, and he wanted to punish it for disparaging remarks it had apparently made about Jodie Foster. 

Now he's been arrested, though, Michael Smegal faces 10 years in jail. It's thought that threatening to bomb an airport only carries a maximum sentence of 18 months in jail, but having more than a small amount of passing professional respect for Jodie Foster carries and eight and a half-year sentence, so it all adds up.

But, really, who knew that Jodie Foster had such a furiously obsessive fanbase? To be honest we're a little scared of posting anything disparaging about Jodie Foster now, in case she has a secret third nutty stalker stashed away somewhere. So, for the record, we liked Jodie Foster in Silence Of The Lambs. And Panic Room. And Inside Man. And The Br… The Bra.. The Br… no, we can't do it. The Brave One was a bag of old cocks. Please don't bomb us, loopy Jodie Foster fans.

Read more:

Alleged Stalker of Jodie Foster Arrested for Bomb Threat – eFluxMedia