And because of this, Paul McCartney’s concert tonight in Israel is shrouded with danger. Islamic extremists are apparently so determined to kill Paul McCartney tonight that nobody is taking any chances – which is why 5,000 bodyguards have been hired to surround Paul McCartney at all times during his visit. That’s even more that George Bush needed.

The message of this is clear – although he takes the death threats incredibly seriously, Paul McCartney will not deprive the Israeli people of his music. The other message, of course, is that Paul McCartney’s got so many bouncers around him at the moment that there won’t be anyone working the door of your local nightclub tonight, so you could probably get away with jeans and trainers if you wanted.

Paul McCartney has played some important concerts in his life – Shea Stadium, The Super Bowl, Red Square – but none have been quite as important as tonight’s concert in Tel Aviv. That’s because religious extremists didn’t decide to promote any of the other concerts by promising that Paul McCartney would get blown up by the middle of the second half.

Islamic fanatics have threatened to kill Paul McCartney if his concert tonight in Israel goes ahead. You see, to them Paul McCartney is the ultimate icon of western opulence and his death would be as heavily symbolic to the world as the events of 911. Also, they’re totally pissed off that Paul McCartney never responded to their letter asking if they could use Wonderful Christmastime as their theme tune.

But Paul McCartney has refused to cancel tonight’s concert, believing that not singing C Moon to a load of middle-aged Jewish people would literally be as bad as dying anyway. So McCartney’s decided to do the next best thing instead – he’s hired 5,000 bodyguards. The Mirror reports:

The vast security for Sir Paul McCartney’s Tel Aviv concert tonight even dwarfs the protection given to President Bush when he visited Israel. A 5,000-strong security team will ensure Macca, 66, is watched around the clock in the wake of death threats from Islamic fanatics. A massive security army guarding Macca includes 20 agents from Israel’s elite Mossad intelligence organisation as well as officers from Britain’s MI6.

He’s just playing it safe, of course – Paul McCartney doesn’t need all that security. He has his own ways of stopping the terrorists, like launching into a 20-minute version of Hey Jude so utterly tedious that it’ll knock any religious extremist into a deep slumber for up to a week. He could achieve a similar effect by playing any song from his last three albums, but the risk is just too high – these fanatics aren’t people you’d want to anger, remember.

And anyway, we’re only assuming that Paul McCartney will be playing the concert tonight. For all we know he could be sending on a stand-in in his place. For all we know that could be your nan up on stage tonight. Don’t pretend you could tell the difference.

Terrified that Britney Spears will either try to swim for freedom or end up gnawing on a turd like a squirrel with a nut if she's left alone in a bathroom for too long, Jamie Spears has reportedly made sure that bodyguards accompany her on every toilet trip.

It's not a job we'd care to do – standing around in a tiled room listening to the sound of Britney Spears groaning and straining for a shit – but if it's a toss-up between that or listening to Blackout again, we'd happily sign up for crapper duty.

Never let it be said that Britney Spears isn't educational. This year alone Britney Spears has taught us so much – like the correct way to barricade yourself topless into a bathroom with a child and convince everyone that you're about to kill yourself – but mainly we now know what it means to be Gravely Disabled.

That's how Britney Spears was medically classified during her stay in the psychiatric hospital earlier this month, and it means you can't be trusted to dress or feed yourself. But that's about it, because it seems as if you can be trusted to teach kids how to dance to Madonna songs. But you can't wee in a toilet by yourself. That's one hell of a complex sliding scale system and we're not even going to pretend to try and understand it.

Anyway, our point is that Britney Spears isn't allowed to go to the toilet without a small army of bodyguards following her around and making sure that she doesn't do anything stupid, like try and drink out of it like a cat or whisper secrets into it and only call it Jonathan. The New York Post reports on Britney's visit to an LA restaurant with her dad on Saturday:

The group sat at a table to eat, but Spears hardly touched her lobster burger, preferring butter-fried frites and Tater Tots. When she got restless, her bodyguards, stationed at several places throughout the eatery, jumped into action. "She continuously got up from the table to go to the bathroom or hang out at the bar and smoke a cigarette," our spy said. "Bodyguards followed her to the bathroom and bar." Another snitch who saw Spears leave noted, "She took a coffee cup from the restaurant with her."

Actually, it makes perfect sense for Jamie Spears to want to keep a close eye on Britney like this, because it's still early on in the recovery process for her and she's still highly unpredictable.

In fact, maybe Jamie Spears should go one step further and start hauling Britney around in an oversized animal-carrier. It sounds drastic, but it's not like Britney Spears would be cooped up in it for 24 hours a day. She'd be let out for exercise, albeit with an exploding collar around her neck that'd blow up the second she even started to talk in a weird British accent. But if a messy exploded skull is what it takes to get Britney Spears back to normal, that's what Jamie Spears should be prepared to do.

Read more:

Britney Watch – Page Six